Fecal transplants more successful through the outie hole

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After surviving a near-fatal car accident, beautiful young Kaitlin Hunter found herself battling a devastating bacterial infection in her colon that also threatened her life. The good bacteria in her innards were wiped out along with the bad ones, and she ended up with a life-threatening colony of Clostridium difficile (C-diff). A colony of this bacteria can end up enjoying the habitat of "up your ass" and wrecking havoc on your health in general.

There have been a few cases in which feces, preferably from a family member, have been pumped down into the stomach by way of a feeding tube inserted through the nose to help recolonize normal gut flora. Pardon me for a moment while I say, "ewwwww," although I suppose having shit squirted into your nose would be preferable to death. This procedure is not always successful as many good bacteria can be easily destroyed by stomach acids.

Dr. Suku George, young Kaitlin's attending physician, brainstormed the problem and came up with the idea to perform a fecal transplant through the opening that is more normally associated with feces: the anus or, in simple layman's terms, the asshole. Permission was granted for Dr. George to perform this turd transplant, and a specimen was obtained from Kaitlin's mother. After having been diluted with water to an appropriate consistency--I hope they tossed the blender afterward--the medical merde was pumped into Kaitlin's colon by way of a colonoscope normally used in colonoscopies.

The procedure was a resounding success and has now been added to the repertoire of other gastroenterologists. There is hope that in the near future a more desirable form of microbe colonization will be developed than a turd in a blender. Perhaps a suppository laden with good bacteria that can be easily inserted into the old balloon knot.

Doctors are learning that while they can be lifesavers, antibiotics are not always good news. In any event I am very happy for Kaitlin and wish her a long and happy life.

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5 Comments on "Fecal transplants more successful through the outie hole"

runninggrrl2's picture
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Unfortunately, C-diff is a lot more common than you'd think--especially in hospitals and nursing homes. I'm actually sort of excited about these fecal transplants...it'd be so fantastic if we could wipe out C-diff just by giving someone a poop enema. It's very difficult to treat with antibiotics.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I have been thinking about this process of a fecal transplant and a serious question has arisen in my mind. First a fact; we are all disgusted by the farts of others but most of us actually enjoy, or at least have no problem with, the aroma of our own wind.

If the fart that blasts from our rectum is produced by the fermenting food that was actually processed in the bowels of another will our olfactory center detect it as friend or foe?

A good thing about the fecal transplant is that I personally would have no qualms about donating, even to someone I didn't really like. There are several on poop report to whom I would be happy to donate a whole slop jar full of shit to help alleviate their misery. I would even blend it into a nice slurry, in their blender of course, and whistle cheerfully while I poured the pureed poo in a funnel stuffed up their arseholes.

I am a bighearted man.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

runninggrrl2's picture
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Oh yes...there are several people that I work with who I would LOVE to give some of my poop. I'd actually like to shove it in there myself, but there are probably rules against that ;)

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Speedpooper's picture
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First off, "REALLY??!?" Someone came up with the idea of a turd transplant, and his first instinct was to cram it down your nose???? Really?? Not only did this guy not think of using the butthole, but thousands of medical professionals for years just kept right on puree'ing turds and cramming them down people's noses, without the most obvious of all better solutions occurring to anyone until years later??? Bleargh! I need to be hired as a consultant to review all medical procedures and find out what bafflingly obvious things these trained professionals have missed.

Secondly, if anyone really needs a turd transplant, I think that I'm capable of launching one at a high enough velocity to just shoot right into someone's butt, as long as they are positioned appropriately. I am Speedpooper, after all. I wonder if I can get a license to perform this very narrow scope of medicine without having to spend years and years in medical school?

Edited for typo

the thin brown line's picture
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Well Speedpooper, you can always volunteer for the fecal matter transplant study and write about it.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.