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 The Best Poop Reports Of 2005Posted 12.20.2005 by Dave (11538)
So many cramps endured. So many pants soiled. So many toilets unintentionally visited by the ghost of Jackson Pollock. I don't know how many stories PoopReport published in 2005 -- I haven't learned the new system well enough to figure it out. At least two hundred. Probably more. I have updated this site almost every weekday for the last year, each day publishing a new poop story contributed by PoopReport's vast legions of loyal fecal aficionados. Of those 200+ stories, we were given the job to pick the best.
An impossible task. I and a few other PoopReporters poured through these 200+ stories that made it from my inbox and into the an(n)als of history. This year-end retrospective was overwhelming. I thank each and every PoopReporter for their contribution in 2005; the stories get better and better. This list invariably left out more than a few worthy submissions, and for that I apologize. No one is ever fully happy with these year-in-review thingies. I picked six stories that represented -- to me -- the pinnacle of the PoopReporting form. I pulled them from the toilet and laid them each on the kitchen table humbly; from this presentation, I asked you to pick the best of the best. Five returned to our collective and glorious cesspool; the sixth is now bronzed and hung above the mantle. (Don't worry, I cleaned the kitchen table.)
Congratulations to Murf for his amazing, unforgettable tale of anguish and humiliation. We at PoopReport will forever honor him. We will pass his story on to our sons and daughters. His example will help shape future generations. Murf, Poopreport.com, America, and the whole world thank you. As I write this, my inbox has fifty-five stories awaiting publication -- fifty-five that I've selected from the dozens of (mostly terrible) stories sent to me every week as worthy of publication on this site. Some of them have languished in my inbox for months, and will never see the light of day. Alas, that is the nature of PoopReporting: like a flotilla of healthy, fiber-filled grogans, the ones that rise to the top do so on the greasy backs of those below. Please enjoy 2005's other standout submissions, as printed below. Take them slow and pass each one at a deliberate pace -- they are each one a wonderful memory of 2005, and each one should serve only to whet your appetitive further what 2006 will bring us. You feel that rumble in your stomach? That low-pitched shudder that makes you wonder if now might be a good time to pick up your newspaper and sojourn to the nearest facilities? That audible gurgle emanating from your large intestine and moving through your body like a handyman pounding thoughtfully on different points of a wall, checking for weak spots? That, my fellow PoopReporters, is anticipation. See you in 2006.
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