The 2006 Poop Report of the Year

// 27 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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So this is the first year that I'm doing the nominees for Poop Report of the Year. The pressure is on -- and although it's not coming from my colon, I feel a bit like the biggest ass explosion of my life is preparing to turn my pants into Three Mile Island. I'm not entirely as good at illustrious speech-writing as Dave is, but I will say this much: I have been visiting PoopReport faithfully for five years now, and have read dang near all the stories on this site. I'm poop jaded. From crapping in the catbox, to shameless families, to ruining a first date, to colostomy bags, to crappy hotels, to a load of crap in a Ferrari, I've read it all. Needless to say, it takes a lot to impress me, let alone make me fall off my chair and laugh "like an epileptic in a strobe light factory" (to steal a line from one of PoopReport's most spectacular writers).

What really made the stories below stand out is that they can be described in one word: epic. These stories are like the fabled two-foot bowl curler, or the fart that shakes the windows, or the poop that reeks so awfully that the stench resides on your nosehairs for three days. You don't forget them, and you can (and often do) recount them in vivid detail to your friends. They come back to you when you find yourself in not-so-funny situations, and help you laugh through them. Many PoopReporters may find themselves aspiring to write more stories like these.

I daresay, though, that if every story could be called epic, these would still stand out. Some of these PoopReporters went out of their way to bring us these fine stories. Some of these PoopReporters disappeared from the public (brown) eye for a few months, only to reintroduce themselves with a spellbinding tale they had no doubt been working on for some time. Others recount situations so unimaginably hilarious that we can't believe they could really happen -- but we have to believe them because only a real experience could be so fantastically written.

Ultimately, with the help of some other fine PoopReporters and feedback from the forums, I've gotten the list down to six nominees. Here they are, in no particular order. (Write-in votes for Bilgepump can go in the comments section.)

Don't vote now. Take your time. Read each one again. Digest them. Evaluate the writing style and appreciate the craft. And then make your decision:

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There can only be one winner. But that doesn't mean we can't all feel good -- and that there can't be some honorable mentions. Maybe that foot-long hot dog with which you clogged the bowl wasn't the most spectacular turd ever, but it was still pretty damn good. So here are some other stories that made a, um, splash in 2006:

Thanks to every PoopReporter who submitted a story in 2006. Looking forward to more in 2007!

27 Comments on "The 2006 Poop Report of the Year"

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Wow, talk about a tough choice. Even though I remembereed them all, I went back and read them all this morning anyway. Classic, one and all.

I vote for Logjam's Vaseline story. Not only is it the best, but it also has what is possibly the best comment on a story - Bunga Din's deep analysis of Zeppelin lyrics. Nothing like busting out a one-finger bag and listening to "Stairway to Heaven" over and over again.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I too voted for LogJam but my choice was One Day in 1963. So many elements in this story were hilarious as well it's educational and in my opinion the best written story of the year. This line of LogJam's "this one played charmer to the snake in my basket, beckoning it to emerge and sway to and fro" had me in tears, I can just see some Indian Fakir sitting cross legged on the roof of the school playing his pungi and poor Logjam squirming as his own snake seeks freedom. WELL DONE!

SamDamnit's search is by far the greatest length any of us except Dave has gone for a poopreport and also deserves special mention by bringing over 60,000 people to the site to see what he saw.

This past year has seen some of the best Poopreports ever, I used to say to other regulars "I miss Mastercrapper, G Ras and Chip Brown, their stories were the best", but I think if we look back at the past year so many of these stories are better than the non geniuses of yesterday, the overall quality of Poopreports has gone up, sure The OLD MASTERS as I call the above still are great but PoopReporting has improved and we are all luckier for it. Good work all!

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points

I voted for Dumpster's ruined weekend. One of the funniest stories I've read on the site. However, when he wrote it he seemed really horny. =/


_______
Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

log of hazzard writes: "However, when (Dumpster) wrote it, he seemed really horny."

As opposed to when that he doesn't? It's one of his more consistent traits. And this was definitely one of his best efforts.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

BTW, pay no attention to that man pooping in the alley behind the trash can.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

TBW, I resemble that remark!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Since I didn't pick the nominees this time, I feel that I can weigh in without biasing the results. I think that Logjam's Vaseline story is one of the best I've ever read. 1963 was spectacular as well, but this one truly is everything a poop report can strive to be. Unfortunately, unless Logjam has a Myspace fanbase that he can call in, it looks like Sam's Myspace fanbase will be the deciding factor.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

I voted for Dumpster's weekend sex story. I read each story very carefully (at work, which turned out to be a mistake) and actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom after reading the line about "iceberg dead ahead" because my attempt to stiffle my laughing sounded more like I was trying (and failing) to hold in a particularly nasty fart. Well done Dumpster!

_______
Holy skid marks Batman!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Gotta go with the Vaseline story. All are great however, and worthy to win.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I would also go with the vaseline story, if I were not in the running.

Having said that, I think it is important for you to all know, that I promise to end the war in Iraq, if I am elected.

I am also willing to offer each and every one that supports me, a no-bid government contract.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Wow! It was a hard choice this year. I loved the 1963 story, and Dumpster and Bunga's stories both made me laugh like hell. But I had to go with SamDamnit's heroic quest in the end. He posted, by far, the most popular story on the Internet at the time and certainly the only story on PR that led to a major computer jam. He has to get some credit for that!

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I had to go with LJ and the vaseline as well...the visuals in my head for that story have scarred me for life...not that that's a bad thing.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Voting will close Sunday night, I guess. Although I think Sam's lead may be insurmountable.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

OK- I'll bring up the small minority and say I voted for Bunga's epic tale of love and poop. It was so romantic~

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

sinkthefloater's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

So I got honorable mention and I was so proud that I sent the link to my Mom. Now she is really going to think I am messed up. I can here her now "He's writing about poop? What's the matter with him."

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Floater, I know the feeling. However, my mom has been a big proponent of my poop reporting. She does not bring it up at dinner parties, but sh has posted comments on a few of my stories.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I cast my vote for 1963. While all of the stories were well written and very entertaining, 1963 stands out in my memory. The imagery as awesome, stimulating all of my senses ...and my sensibilities. All of the elements seemed believable. Even the picture bit had me wondering where the picture actually came from and not how LJ managed to spin a yarn around it.

Most of all, it spoke to me. It reminded me of Dr. Pepper incident in Forrest Gump. It reminded me that, to your ordinary Joe Schmo, there are more important and pressing matters in the world than great people and great events.

I will say that Mommy's Way by ML was a close second for me. I liked the use of foreshadowing and the build up of the tension. I wanted to read about the devastation and emotional scars from the intersection of Mommy's IBS and Mommy's little darling. Who didn't?

The real hook though was that the daughter didn't get painted. I admired that ML didn't make me feel small for expecting her to crap all over the kid. It's not even that, though. The real strength was that ML didn't rub my nose in it for actually believing that I was about to read that she crapped all over her kid before she would crap on herself. Therein lies the true beauty of this parable: while it's okay be selfish enough to take the kid off of the pot, it's never okay to shit on the kid.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Hmm, this is a toughie. I liked One Day in 1963, butI thought Get Out of Mommy's Way was a riot, so I voted for Get Out of Mommy's Way.

I read all of these stories, and fully enjoyed all of them. These stories are certainly great picks for 2006 Poop Report of the year.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points

Ah, these are all winners within winners, each brilliant for their own unique reasons, but Deja Poo's last comment is actually pretty much how my voting process went.

The day in 1963 with it's wonderful wording and the fortuitous photo had me crying and spluttering with laughter (my dog was worried if I was all right) The photo/flashbulb drawing joke was hilarious and the security guard in the front seat of the car detecting the otherwise stealthy safety valve fart had me gasping between guffaws (really, go look at that photo again!)

Great work one and all. It's a shame to have to pick just one master-piece-of-shit! The honorable mentions were excellent as well. And last but not least, AB2K's lead up article was eloquently voiced.


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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sam's comment about his mother not bringing up his poop reporting at dinner parties brings up an interesting aside. Again.

I would really not expect that she would serve poop reports on toast points. In fact, I wonder how many of us avoid discussion of our bowel habits while we are eating.

It reminds me of a poll put up way back when about taking something to eat into the bathroom while doing #2.

I think perhaps even the most Shameless among us try to keep those areas of our lives officially separated verbally and in real time, even though we know they are physiologically connected in an intimate way.

Does this seem reasonable to everyone?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I just noticed Dave included me in his article...thats pretty funny, but I really didn't write anything "PoopReport", worthy this year...I was pushing hard as a darkhorse write-in candidate for "Poop Reporter" of the year, only because anything I submitted this past year was shitty...kind of had a nice symmetry, if ya smell what the Bilge is cookin'.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Oh Bilge . . .

I wrote the article, buttpipe.

*slaps Bilge upside the head*

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Congratulations, Sam. It is most fitting that one of the most-viewed PR stories of all time wins the prize.

Such an honor to be included in this contest. Thanks AB2K, and everybody who voted for me. The one who should be the proudest, though, is Motherload. As I keep telling Daphne, #2 is the real post of honor here on PR!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

So there you have it. The masses have spoken. I don't quite agree with the results -- Sam's was a great article, but not a literary masterpiece like Logjam's -- but I'm too busy to go in and doctor the results like most of you probably suspect that I do most of the time anyway. So there you have it. Congratulations, Sam! Looking forward to your road map to world peace.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Congrats Sam! I mentioned yours would be a tough one to beat in the forums and of course I was right. To LogJam, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!! To Motherload and Dumpster, great stories, I know we'll be getting more from you this year and hope they are as great as the others you've contributed.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

First of all, I would like to thank God, who obviously abandoned that portable potty behind Emo's, and made my story possible. Secondly, I would like to thank my myspace friends for reading all my stories, and for bringing out the vote.

Mine was not a literary masterpiece, like the others in this contest. I am humbled to be in the presence of such fine writing. Mine was an investigative piece that should perhaps have been compared to others of it's kind. In any case, I would like to thank Bunga, Jammy, Loady and Dumpy for entertaining and inspiring me through out the year.

My Mom raised me to have a bent sense of humor, and to be really nosey, so my heartfelt thanks go out to her.

Lastly, I would like to thank Mary Mary for putting up with my online antics and for letting me drag her around the city to look at poopy toilets.


_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

One could say that Sam's article may have provided the most benefit to the site because it caused more hits and created more potential PR'ers. It certainly was the most popular piece.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

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