oxypowder

The 2007 Poop Report Of The Year

Posted 01.02.2008 by Dave (11538)
In the past year, PoopReport has overflowed with content: 419 stories, BM Newswires, polls, advice columns, and other pieces of content lodged into the sump pump of our psyche. Now is the time to paw through the coagulated mass, lodging the detritus of lesser contributions under our fingernails as we reach for, and then grasp, and then thrust triumphantly skyward the single greatest individual contribution to the year's feculence. Your nominees:

  • Lincoln Wasn't Plinkin' by Daphne
    "I watched in shock as my gramma leaned over the commode full of my latest fecal creation and began to hack at in short, choppy strokes."

  • Farmer Brown by RoboPoop
    "I stood up, cursing a flowing string of swear words like a preacher caught in a whorehouse, and delivered one final foghorn fart that made me want to puke my guts up like a jock after a Colt 45 binge."

  • Soiling the Toilet Doily by dooder
    "In a day and age when we wrap our kids in foam rubber and strap industry-approved helmets to their heads, elbows, and knees, are we not shrieking our own hypocrisy by equipping our bio-sanctuaries with decorations from Cracker Barrel?"

  • Come Hell and Thigh Water by Gasputin
    "I could only watch in horror as a malignant medley of processed livestock, vulcanized cheese, and jellied rectoplasm began cascading out of my shorts and down my right leg in a torrent."

  • My Big Fat Feek Shedding by Gasputin
    "Someone -- or something -- must have ripped a fart, baked it, and then tried to mask the scent with a candle rendered from the fat on Star Jones' inner thighs."

Read them all. And then read them all again. Then vote for the very best. And then scroll down to see highlights from the rest of the year and make your comments.

Poop Report of the Year 2007: Vote Here:

"Lincoln Wasn't Plinkin'" by Daphne
28%
"Farmer Brown" by RoboPoop
3%
"Soiling the Toilet Doily" by dooder
7%
"Come Hell and Thigh Water" by Gasputin
44%
"My Big Fat Feek Shedding" by Gasputin
18%
Total votes: 126
1 comment | older polls


HONORABLE MENTIONS
These seven stories below are nearly as good as the ones above:
- Mudslide by Anton Afgustovich
- The Brown Spackle Incident dooder
- A Crime of Pushin' by Gasputin
- Walk a While In My Ooze by Gasputin
- Hunting And Splattering by StarshipPooper
- Cocksucker Makes The O.R. by rsantuc
- The Splatter of Gettysburg by Doo-rango
- My Mid-Loaf Crisis by Gasputin

BEST APPLICATION OF POOP THEORY
Political Fecology In Practice by Orion

BEST LIVING EXAMPLE OF THE SPIRIT OF POOTOPIA
A View To A Spill by Doo-Rango

BEST STORY TITLE
The Law Of The Conservation Of Energy Bars by Doo-rango

BEST EPIC TALE
The Poop That Changed My Life by Old Man Ironsides

BEST MEMORIES OF A BYGONE ERA
- The Lav Of My Life: The Little House Out Back by Alterscheiss
- The Perils Of Pluto Water by The Big Wiper

BEST MEDIA CRITICISM
Humanity as seen through sewage by Bunga Din

BEST RESEARCH FOR THE BENEFIT OF HUMANITY
Poop In The Pool: What To Do When Shit Happens by Crapola

BEST COVERAGE OF BREAKING NEWS
- Joining The Pile High Club by Gasputin
- Breaking and excreting: a new breed of turd terrorist? by Gasputin

MOST USEFUL MEDICAL ADVICE
does vodka cure farts? by Motherload

MOST WELL-RESEARCHED MEDICAL ADVICE
is there hope for my weakened anus? by Motherload

BEST GENRE WRITING
Poop Noir by Anomalous Coward

BEST WALKING TOUR
Ivy-Covered Stalls by Logjam

BEST 'ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A POOP REPORT' MOMENT
- At The Old Bowel Game by GottaGoGirl
- Guest Services by GottaGoGirl

BEST TWIST ENDING
The Circle of Life: A Childbirth Poop Story by Leon TROTSky

BEST CROSSOVER FROM POOPREPORT INTO THE REAL WORLD
Poop 101: The Syllabus by PooProf

BEST DAVE USING THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASSION TO CALL ATTENTION TO AN ARTICLE HE'S PROUD OF
The Great Stink: When England Was Disgusting (And Why America's Rivers Still Are) by Dave

BEST IDEA FOR A POLL
If your bung was a famous artist, who would it be? by Thunderbox

BEST REASON TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR GALLBLADDER
The Anti-Gallbladder by The Shit Volcano

BEST ALLITERATION
Toddler tumbles through turd terrorists' turf; tot tainted by Daphne

BEST ADVICE FOR THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
How to Interrogate Terrorists: The Colonoscopy by Delusional Pooper

BEST SPEECH GIVEN AT THE 2007 WORLD TOILET SUMMIT
Toilet Talk: My Address To The World Toilet Summit by Dave

BEST REASON TO LIVE ALONE
Lamentation On A Shared Bathroom by When It Shits It Pours

BEST USE OF CRAMPS AS A PERFORMANCE AID
Flight Of My Bumblebee by Shit4brains

BEST POOETRY OF 2007
- A Saharan Dump by Thunderbox
- Like A Big Old Backed-Up Poo by Simon
- A Tibetan Dump by Thunderbox
- Memoirs Of A Grogan by shit4brains



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In The Bushes (111) -- 01.02.2008

A very difficult decision, as there were a few I really, really ejoyed! Great stories.

prarie doggin (1555) -- 01.02.2008

When I stumbled on this site not so long ago, I was looking for a gag gift that someone my age should not be looking for. Poop Report looked like the perfect place for me to put my 5th grade humour to good use. What I found was a place where people could be funny, gross, and sometimes brutal. What I also found was a place people could share real life experiences, the likes of which made sharing to that of a certain audience. This is why I chose Daphne's story (besides the great title). I too have had humiliating childhood experiences, and this forum is an outlet of sorts for me, and I am sure Daphne also. I am sure that if we had not found Poop Report, we would still be fine, but having an outlet to share certain parts of our lives with others has been a blessing. Thank you Daphne, and thank you Poop Report.

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 01.02.2008

Although every single story and BM newswire entry mentioned here were terrific, I was disappointed to not see Sailor Jim's story up there. I still cry myself laughing when I think about the enema poop spray on the hospital ceiling.

_______
Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Fecal Follies (167) -- 01.03.2008

Do we have a voting deadline set?

I've not been around all that much this year (guess what one of my "poosolutions" - hm, no, that sounds more like a constipation cure than a New Year thing - is)

and will need to carefully read and contemplate the nominees before castin' my one little vote.

I vaguely recall some story from last January that I commented should be THE one of 07. Danged if it looks like it's not on the list...


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

The Shit Volcano (3646) -- 01.04.2008

While all these stories were hilariously funny, I have to go with my loyalties. I voted for Daphne! You're a great storyteller, girl!

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 01.06.2008

Dave I think once a year we should get together and have a Pooples choice awards. Everyone gets to vote in their favorite categories and we honor them with something like a tshirt or something. Lets build on this.....
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Mister Poo (not verified) -- 01.09.2008

We love it! Welcome to Europe where poo is normal and everyday. Our Mister Poo site is an attempt to find the shared humanity and philosophy of poo. Take a look.

daphne (3325) -- 01.11.2008

Congrats, Gasputin! I had little doubt that you were going to win.

Second place once more...... but then again I ate a penny, this man crapped his pants. It's only right.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Dave (11538) -- 01.11.2008

Congratulations, Gasputin. Our culture is forever indebted to your literary skills. I am in awe of your talent!

Gasputin (133) -- 01.11.2008

Thanks to everybody who took the time to read any of the stories / newswires I wrote, and special thanks to Dave for providing a forum for my scribblings.
More to come in '08...

Bilgepump (1478) -- 01.11.2008

Looking forward to it, Gassy!! Well done, and well deserved!!! Congrats!!!

prarie doggin (1555) -- 01.11.2008

Come Hell and Thigh Water is a masterpiece and I would be honored to shake your hand.....er well maybe a pat on the back.

shitwit (532) -- 01.12.2008

Gasputin, you rock! Keep the shit coming!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 01.12.2008

Gassy, you the schiznit! Another great story well written. Are you available for campfire stories as well? If so YOURE HIRED! Kudos sir.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

prarie doggin (1555) -- 01.12.2008

How about house calls to read the little ones bedtime stories?

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