The 2008 Poop Report Of The Year

// 13 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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This year, the PoopReport Memorial Sewage Treatment Plant slowed down a little, processing ONLY 373 stories, BM Newswires, advice columns, polls, consumer reports, and so on. Most pieces of content were happily digested and splurted back into the cultural mainstream; but a few massive chunks stuck in our intake valves, attracting extra attention for their finely-crafted sinews. This year, five pieces of content stand apart. And one of them will be your Poop Report Of The Year. Your nominees:


Aah Toilet Foam: Can Bubbles Scrub You Ass?
by Daphne


"It occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to truly rate this product with the spongy, minimal work-involved vegetarian croquettes I crank out on a daily basis, because my poops don't represent the norm. This product would have to be used on a variety of poos that ranged in cleanup difficulty to be fully tested."



The Sad, Twisted Fate Of The Biggest Turd Ever
by Gasputin


"I knew instantly that he had just endured a profound test of the human spirit. He was visibly aged and shaken, and cloaked in the shroud of despair and neurotoxic fumes that accompany a slow dance with Bowelzebub. My presence outside the door seemed to startle him. He flinched, his eyes widened, and a grin of undiluted idiocy creased his face as he sheepishly muttered a phrase astounding in its modesty. 'I do a pretty good job in there.'"



The Ninth Stall
by Boopoo


"A minute later, past the point of no return, confidence dwindled as pressure increased. It intensified quickly to the extent that I was struggling to maintain control and was truly afraid. Afraid of spurting hot poo in the elevator car, alarming and repulsing the other public servants therein. The shame would be deep and eternal."



Crappy Fashion Sense
by G Ras


"The years of birthing table legs have stretched my ass wider than that chick who was in that ass bang orgy porno where a hundred guys plowed this bored chick's butthole until it was a bright red, steaming sewer."



An Asshole to Dye For: An Experiment In Anal Bleaching
by Gasputin


"But as Americans find their anal enhancement budgets stretched ever-tighter in these troubling economic times, a question arises: must we shell out $30-50 for a tube of anal bleach in our quest for the Anus de Milo? Or can a cheap jar of drugstore fade cream do the trick just as well?"


Read them all. And then read them all again. Then vote for the very best. And then scroll down to see highlights from the rest of the year and make your comments.

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BEST FAMILY MOMENT (I)
Reveille by G Ras

BEST FAMILY MOMENT (II)
Conversations With Mimi by Daphne

BEST 'GLAD I'M NOT YOU' MOMENT
The Death of the Flattering Pants by Crapper John McIntyre

MOST INSPIRING INTER-GENERATIONAL MOMENT
The Wrong Side Of The Wrong Pad by Snapper

BEST LIFE LESSON
The Three Most Important Things by Squat-n-leaveit

MOST POINTLESS CONTROVERSY
Sally by Chocolate Shark

BEST JOB OF BRINGING A TEAR TO MY EYE
The Lav Of My Life: ChiefThunderbutt's Country Pooper by ChiefThunderbutt

BEST BRUSH WITH NATURE
Almost Losing A Head by ChiefThunderbutt

MOST SELFLESS ACT IN THE NAME OF LOVE
A Fart In A Storm by Snowpea

BEST REASON TO BE THANKFUL FOR A HEALTHY ASS
Hemorrhoid Surgery, And After by Triggur

MOST UNWELCOME BLAST FROM THE PAST
Wreckage of My Past by G Ras

BEST JUSTIFICATION OF DESPICABILITY
Turd Terrorism: A Story of Accountability by Hum bunger

BEST TRASHING OF PSUEDO-ART
Andres Serrano's "Shit" at Yvon Lambert, NYC by Mark

BEST POOP STORY (IN THEORY)
The Poop Story As A Path To Feminine Empowerment by Snowpea

CLOSEST BRUSH WITH HUMILIATION
Trucker's Nightmare by Professor Schitz

EASIEST FIFTY BUCKS EVER
Making Bank by Kay O. Pectate

WORST FIRST DAY
The Executive Washroom by Seth K

WORST WAY TO EARN A REPUTATION
I, Fart Guy by Rosewood Bitters

BEST ATTEMPT TO GO LOCAL (I)
Notes On Ethiopian Defecation by Thunderbox

BEST ATTEMPT TO GO LOCAL (II)
Dinner At The Real India by Charmingly Neurotic

BEST ORIGINAL POOEM (I)
Ode To The Road Load by Prarie Doggin

BEST ORIGINAL POOEM (II)
Ode To My Frozen Choad by prarie doggin

BEST USE OF POOP CULTURE TO FURTHER THE DIVINE PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE
The Toilet Paper<colon> Burke, Bakhtin and the Rhetoric of Poop by A. Rotondo

BEST DERIVATIVE POOEM (I)
Once Upon A Toilet Dreary by Phillip_D_Trousers

BEST DERIVATIVE POOEM (II)
American Browneye by Mrs. Mad Crapper

BEST STORY BY GASPUTIN THAT I COULDN'T FIT IN THE TOP FIVE
Brownout Drunk by Gasputin

13 Comments on "The 2008 Poop Report Of The Year"

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Bumping this
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Although I laughed out loud on all of the stories, I nominated and chose the one by the relative unknown, Boopoo. Not only was it funny, but it hit the male public shitting code of ethics right on the head (so to speak). Congrats to all the finalists, you're all winners.

PS, thank you to whoever put my "Odes" in for pooetry honors. I will write another one if I can come up with another word that rhymes with ode.

super pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I voted for "the ninth stall" ...it made me squirt orange soda out of my nose. Well worth it too.


_______
"someone SHIT on the coats!"

"someone SHIT on the coats!" -dane cook

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I liked Daphne's the best. Sort of like reading a Consumer Reports review, if they covered things like this. Well written.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Yay!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

9th stall by far the best one, i was in tears laughing. Daphs aah review comes in a strong second.
_______
0_o

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Voting ends Thursday night...!

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points

Gasputin was funniest, but BooPoo's was thorough and had a driving plot. Let's get those votes up!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

The results are in... for the second year in a row, Gasputin has dropped the biggest bomb on to our brown battlefield! Congratulations, Gasputin! We can only look forward to even more from you in the year to come!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Thanks to all the nominees for the entertainment. Keep them coming, please.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I second that. They help me keep my sanity....well what's left of it.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Congrats, Gassy! You better watch out next year, though. I may get a butt transplant or something. You'll have to write your magnum opus to beat that! ;)


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Daphne, I was planning on having my dingleberry patch cleared out by two midget hermaphrodites using live pirhanas tied to sticks while I simultaneously fart out the National Anthem. Sorry.

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