If I get really lucky in April, the release of
my book will herald the breakthrough of PoopReport into the awareness of the culture, and we'll be flooded with thousands of new users and tons of new content. And when you who is reading this today laments in six months that "PoopReport was so much better before it got popular!", you'll be reminiscing about 2006: an incredible year for the PoopReport community. Never before have so many intelligent and witty individuals gathered at once on our brown pages. There are many of them who, in any other year, would be a shoo-in for PoopReporter of the Year. A quick perusal of the
points totals and the
statistics page and the
Roster of the PoopReporters will tell you who they are. We have had this year an embarrassment of riches; or, to create a more PoopReport-appropriate metaphor, a toilet-paper aisle stocked only with aloe-infused triple ply. In any other year, you could pick any one of them and know that it's going to feel good.
But 2006 has been spectacular. So walk back down this toilet paper aisle and out of the store completely and get in your car and drive to Tiffany's on Fifth Avenue in New York City. Take the private elevator to the manager's suite on the sixth floor and ask to see "the good stuff." He will nod knowingly and motion to an assistant. From inside their jackets they will produce gold keys on silver necklaces, and they will insert them into a platinum-plated lock and count to three and simultaneously turn, and a hidden panel will slide open to a chorus of angels and reveal three elite brands of toilet paper normally reserved for movie stars, royalty, and the Pope.
They are called Motherload, Assblaster2000, and Bunga Din.
Here ends that weird toilet paper metaphor. But here begins your choice: which of these three worthy candidates do we recognize as PoopReporter of the Year? It's a difficult task because with these three we're not comparing apples to apples to apples. Rather, it's more like floaters to sinkers to... uh... well... to poop that magically hovers in the air above the water. In other words, each of these three has contributed something distinct and precious to PoopReport in 2006. Each are exemplary PoopReporters, each for very different reasons.
For Bunga Din, it's the entertainment he's provided. His wit is quick and his mind is deep, as evidenced by his record of comments: with more than 500 posted in 2006, at least 49 of them were +'d, and many of those were +2'd and +3'd. His six stories in the last twelve months were classics all, featuring phrases like "The staccato bursts sounded like castanets made from empty mussel shells and lobster claws." Recall his epic Beauty and the Beast: a true piece of literature worthy of far greater than this humble poop site. He's squandering his talent by blessing us with it.
For Assblaster2000, her contributions are more subtle. Though only two stories can be attributed to her in 2006, she's probably worked harder for the site than any other PoopReporter. Think of the fifty-some polls she's posted since the feature was instituted a year ago: the vast majority have been written by her. Think that's easy? Try coming up with a poop poll that hasn't been done before. Go ahead, try it. (Actually, please do -- I think she'd thank you.) On top of that, she edits, formats, and posts Motherload's columns every few days. And on top of that, as one appreciative PoopReporter puts it, "She bans the shitstains and usually beats Dave to the punch keeping the assholes at bay and she receives virtually no recognition for it. Posters come and go but AB2K is here doing a thankless job to keep the regulars and not-so-regulars happy." And on top of all that, she still shown the dedication to post roughly 440 comments in 365 days.
And then there's Motherload. Has any PoopReporter ever in such a short time made as much of an impact as she? At first her gift to the site was only -- and I make those little quotey signs with my fingers around that word -- only hilarious and well-written stories. And then she volunteered to become PoopReport's House Poodiatrist. Suddenly her contribution to the site was a contribution to humanity at large. In the past few months she's written answers to forty-seven poop medical questions -- questions from desperate people often unable to get a straight answer from anyone else. She reassures them, not with flippant responses like you might get from your HMO, but with well-research and carefully-crafted essays. She doesn't just answer questions -- she makes it clear that she cares about people's problems. The Internet is a cruel and lonely place. How often do you find someone willing to care about a complete stranger?
Bunga Din, Assblaster2000, Motherload. To bring back that strange metaphor and make it even stranger: choose which one of them you'd love to have the joy of wiping your ass with.
2006 PoopReporter Of The Year: Bunga Din 15% Assblaster2000 42% Motherload 42% Total votes: 137 |
