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 The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter Of The Year 2005Posted 01.05.2006 by Dave (11657)
Like any well-developed stool, PoopReport is an entity composed of a few distinct parts. Picking it up and holding it to the light, you discover each gnarled ridge to be a point of fusion of one nugget to another. There, that dark brown area, that's your t-bone steak from last night. That lighter-colored bit, that's your Caesar salad. Those yellow flecks like a million twinkling corn niblets -- those are your corn niblets. A turd is only as good as the sum of its parts; and so too is PoopReport.com a holistic entity only until you look closer. Inspection reveals distinction: there are front page stories. There are BM Newswire stories. And there are the forums. Each contributes to the whole content, context, and community respectively, each working together to form this more perfect union.
As is seemingly required by federal law of every media outlet in December and January, PoopReport.com has been reminiscing about the year past. We've already named the best poop story of 2005. Now our task is to award the esteemed and coveted Poolitzer Prize: the award given to the year's most deserving PoopReporter. Previous years have birthed winners who contributed widely and prolifically to every lump in our streaming bolus -- The Big Wiper in 2004, Ass Phlegm in 2003, and Mastercrapper in 2002. This year, however, our nominees are each more closeted in their individual cell, each adding to the whole by concentrating their output upon one particular aspect of the site more than any other: Pill Pooper on the front page, Logjam on the BM Newswire, and Daphne in the forums. And our brown vessel bobbing in these stagnant waters is more seaworthy for each of them. Pill Pooper has entertained us with inexhaustible prolificacy. His literary sphincter quivers and shakes and spews forth the poop of his life -- that which he's encountered in his life, in his job, and all too often in his pants. Pill Pooper published sixteen full-length poop reports in 2005, from his glorious tribute to Al Bundy's Ferguson to the Hitchcockian thriller that was the mystery of the hole pooper. As he suffered, so too did we. As he shat his pants, we shat alongside him. And then, as he shat his pants for the second time last year in nearly the exact same circumstances, we appreciated the fact that only a truly dedicated PoopReporter would share such humiliation and hilarity with us, his loving extended and distended family. Logjam has become PoopReport's resident media critic. Although he's had a few well-received front page contributions, the bulk of his effort has been focused on the BM Newswire: 105 separate reports in 2005, by my quick count. Not content to simply repost the latest AP blather, Logjam instead gives it context. Is the media reporting the story fairly? Is the media missing the story? Is the there an outrage not getting the attention it's due? Is there a law that needs our support? Is there a manifestationrelevant to the mission of PoopReport? Does a subject require unbridled fury and then an equally incredulous follow-up? Over the course of 2005, Logjam has proven his capacity to parse the news of the day through the philosophical worldview championed by this site. And then there is Daphne. She, too, has added nuggets of wisdom to the front page of the site. But behold the volume and caliber of postings she's splattered all over the forums! In the words of no less an authority than The Big Wiper, Daphne is "devoted to the forums {where she} makes consistently thoughtful posts on a variety of subjects, whether she is the initiator or the responder." Reading the forums, you discover her mark smeared on every thread through which she passed. She's given us funny stories. She's shown concern for her fellow PoopReporter. She's demonstrated the ability to see the everyday world for the potential poop report it truly is. She's readily shared embarrassing moments. And she's gotten drunk and shown us her tattoos. She's our mother, our sister, our friend; should I somehow find myself stranded in suburban Washington with two broken arms and a melting belly snake, it is Daphne whom I'd ask with neither reservation nor shame to grab the Charmin and do the honors. But though there are three nominees, and though two is our magic number, there can be only one. If you are unfamiliar with any of these contributors, please rectify that situation before you cast your vote. And then choose but one of these three to be the 2005 PoopReporter of the Year.
A note of appreciation. I would be remiss if I did not take this space to publicly thank a very special PoopReporter. This site is blessed with a number of contributors who each bring to the forums, the blog, and the front page their own unique and rosy odor. I am hesitant to name each of them here only because I know I'll forget someone. You know who you are; and what's more, all the other readers of this site know who you are, too. But I must make it clear how singularly appreciative I am of AssBlaster2000. This young lady from Pennsylvania is one of PoopReport's old guard, a member of the site for nearly as long as the site has existed -- and one of our most treasured assets. You know her from her intelligent and insightful contributions, of course; but behind the scenes she has embraced with enthusiasm the thankless task of forums moderation and site maintenance. This site, as you may have guessed, attracts its share of those less dedicated than we to the Bakhtinian celebration of the grotesque -- err, that is, to the way we talk smart about poo poo. There are those who love poop in a *slightly* different way, who ignore the wishes of our subculture and thus need to be actively prevented from shooting all over our innocent computer monitors the brown spunk of theirs. Add to that idiots, trolls, utter jerks, and the occasional sworn enemy, and you begin to see what we deal with. AssBlaster2000 has dedicated herself to keeping these less-desirable contributors from soiling our pristine pages, expending endless time and energy towards this end with no thanks but the occasional piece of PoopReport schwag shipped out by yours truly whenever I come down off my high horse long enough to remember what a wonderful job she's doing. Maintaining a poop site with the level of intelligent discourse as that which I hope you enjoy here takes more time and effort than you could imagine; and it could not be done without AB2K's help. I fear I don't express to her my eternal gratitude often enough. AssBlaster2000, the site would not be the same without you. Thanks for all your help. Post new comment
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