The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter of the Year 2008

// 56 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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For any normal site, the occurrence of the founder moving to India would probably spell the end of it. But PoopReport has evolved to the point where I can post a poop story at midnight my time and go to bed knowing that when I wake up, people will have smeared it brown with corn-studded nuggets of wit.

(In PoopReport parlance, being "smeared brown with corn-studded nuggets of wit" is a good thing.)

And while everyone makes PoopReport in their own special way, there are two PoopReporters who have made 2008 the desiccated TP-walled liferaft floating in a sea of putrified Applebees that it was.

(Which, again, in PoopReport parlance, is a compliment.)

These two crap-flaked, bile-dripping, scum-oozing butt parrots are --

(Wait, is there a difference between PoopReport parlance and the kind of insult that you'd duel a guy over? I think I've completely lost perspective.)

-- these two upstanding citizens are Prarie Doggin and ChiefThunderbutt.

Prarie Doggin ducked onto the site during the late months of 2007. This former trucker left skidmarks of quality material all over the front pages, ranging from the pooetic to the autobiographical. On top of posting an amazing 2,226 comments plus 1,114 posts on the forums, he somehow found time to write seven content items, including a few now-classic poems. 61 of his comments were +'d for 68 extra points. He not only made himself at home with the usual group of front page malcontents, but he also meshed with us in the forum, quipping one-liners at just right time. He has breathed new life into the sense of community with his daily participation and ability to play off of many of our long-time members.

From Ode To The Road Load:

Back-road Kentucky bathrooms I dread
Spread-eyed waitress, most likely inbred.
Hovering over, no easy feat --
hillbilly pubes lining the seat.
Was that a banjo? I make a mad dash
Get out of this state with my virgin ass.


From Ode to my Frozen Choad:

As I looked down on the steaming log I was forming,
I shouted, "This ones for you Al: my own global warming!"
My shit, in a blink, was as hard as a rock,
As I struggled to cover my near frost-bitten cock.


From Turbulence Ahead (And Behind):

I opened the door. Alas, fate had one final blow to deal me. There, thanks to the turbulence, strapped to their jump seats, were two young cabin attendants. Their eyes looked as if they had seen Satan having sex with Pat Robertson. They had heard everything, and they would soon smell everything.


ChiefThunderbutt only started posting in earnest in the second half of 2008. But the guy joined back in 2005, which means he qualifies to be PoopReporter of the Year. And when it comes to the sharing of oneself, Chief Thunderbutt is a pro. He posted 908 comments and 394 forums posts and wrote 11 content items. With 1052 total userpoints, he has 25 +'d comments for 30 total extra points. Not since the Big Wiper's arrival on the scene have we been privy to such home-spun, genuine, well-coined tales; and we've enjoyed every one. These memories, recollected from a comfortable, married, family man, have reminded the regulars that poop is not only cool, it's familial.

From Go Add It To The Mountain:

If one were well versed in scatology, the points of departure on the continent could probably have been determined by the appearance of the poop. I did not know that human shit came in such a variety of colors and textures. I would assume the logs that were speckled with corn came from the butts of Midwestern farm boys going overseas for the first time. There was green shit, black shit, mauve shit, yellow shit, and even a few logs of traditional brown shit. There was runny shit, firm shit, medium shit, and any other texture you might want to see. It was all piled in this one commode like a giant Baskin Robbins ice cream sundae. Quite a lot of it had dripped onto the floor.


From The Lav Of My Life: ChiefThunderbutt's Country Pooper:

My poor father had been preparing to take a dump when he spied a spider on the floor. Wishing to clear the building of a possibly dangerous arachnid, he had stomped on the beast. Unfortunately the floor was not structurally sound enough to withstand stomping. Also, unfortunately for my father, we had a very deep pit under our toilet.


From I, Farter:

We are prone to exaggerate the duration of our farts, so I will only say that this was the longest fart I ever let. After a moment or so, I heard my sister -- in the next room! -- say, "Phewee, DuPont is strong tonight!" My young bosom swelled with pride: I was as rank as a chemical factory. I couldn't compete with the old man's volume, but I was master of the stench factor.


It's a tough decision between two men who both produce exemplary turds that could be held aloft as examples of extrusion and subtle flecking of tomato skin to which we should all aspire.

(PoopReport parlance or not -- I'm quite sure that's flattery at its highest.)

Study each PoopReporter. Read his comments, his stories, his posts. And then cast your vote below.

/** * the following displays the most recent poll * and assumes you have the poll.module enabled * * Works with Drupal 4.6 * Does not work with Drupal 4.5.x * */ // Set the nid for the poll you want to display $nid = 5558; $poll = node_load(array('nid' => $nid, 'type' => 'poll', 'moderate' => 0, 'status' => 1)); if ($poll->nid) { // poll_view() dumps the output into $poll->body. poll_view($poll, 1, 0, 1); } print $poll->body;

56 Comments on "The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter of the Year 2008"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I'm afraid to vote. This is worse than Sophie's Choice.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

After the horrible presidential race we just endured, this one will be easy. I'll be happy no matter who wins.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I feel the same as PD, it would be an honor to win and it would also be an honor to come in number two (I didn't intend a pun but I think I just made one). Good luck PD you are tops in my book.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

This is gonna be tough. Both of these guys are top-notch tellers of turd tales. Can I give them each 1/2 of a vote?

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Im the third canadate representing the brown party. It is a tough chioce, ill have to toss a coin, better yet a rolaids tab!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

If nobody votes, do we call it a tie, and both win?
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Why can't we vote twice? That way we can vote for PD and the chief?

luvkimchee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Sorry PD, but the Chief luvs kimchee!!!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

MMMMMMM Kimchee! People talk about online friends. I always thought they were nuts. How could you make a friend you never have (and never will) meet? Chief, I believe you would be a good friend/brother. (as long as you are downwind!)

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

This is about a hundred times more difficult than voting for president!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

On a side note, Dave, the wider middle column on the front page looks very nice.

Back to topic - I love both these guys!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The Dingos ate my vote.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I voted for prarie, not necessarily because he is more deserving, but because he's the current underdog.

Logjam

balloonknot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

While I think both candidates deserve this stinkin' honor, I have to vote for PD because his pooetry is inspiring.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I voted for PD for the same reason LJ did; PD's the underdog (and his pooetry is awesome!!!)
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

wow....its neck and neck....PD came on strong!!! (probably forgot to change his underwear again) Of course, Logjam is like a superdelegate...he holds sway over a lot of votes, cuz he's like, you know, smart, and stuff.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Yes, I'm close behind the Chief. Not a very good place to be.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Hang in there PD you may soon experience the aroma of victory, or perhaps the stench of defeat. Either way I will still love you.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

It's not the smell of de-feet I'm dreading. It's the stench of de-ass. And I love you too Chief (in a manly man sort of way).

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Okay, I'm going to gag now.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Sounds like we have a case of poop induced bromance going on.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

It's all tied up. Voting ends Wednesday at midnight. If it's still tied at that point, then both of you lose and Teddy wins by default.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

You are a cruel cruel man, Dave.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

If Teddy wins, then can he fuck with Bilge's skull to his heart's content? (And set up a pizza place?)
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Charles Pookowski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm a baby here, so I really tried to do my research before making my decision. My first instinct was toward the Chief; I admire the image I've created in my head of a bum-inspired Johnny Cash. Dirty older men with foul vocabulary and gas releases just give me a warm feeling - and I mean that sincerely. But it was this comment I read by PD that swayed me and won my vote:


"Well said Bilge, now could you shut the fuck up you cunt mod."


Oh, trucker-speak. It is Shakespeare in mud.

_______
You and Your Beer and How Great You Are.

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

See what I mean? And he LIKES me!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Charles Pookowski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Well, cunt can be a jovial term too.

_______
You and Your Beer and How Great You Are.

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

This is a real cliff-hanger, I was going to nervously chew my fingernails but I remembered what I had just scratched and changed my mind in the nick of time.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I went through the archives for previous Poolitzers, because it seemed to me the vote total seemed kind of low, but as I went through the years, it has fluctuated from the 80's to the 130's...I had hoped to see more voters this years, since it seemed, (and maybe it was all in my head) that we had a real big surge in registrations this year. Anyway, good luck, guys!!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

What surprises me every time I get on this website is that there may only be three or four members logged in but there will be 400 or 500 or more visitors. That's crazy. I wonder how many people are like me when I first started reading Poop Report and either don't know how to register or think there's no need to register or are scared or ashamed to register. But there are always a lot of votes on a lot of poles.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Good news, everybody! The anti-Teddy contingent came through in the end. We have a PoopReporter of the Year for 2008, and his name is ChiefThunderbutt! Take a bow, chief -- but first be careful where you're pointing that cannon of yours.

Your medal is in production at the foundry and will arrive soon!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
My doorbell just rang. Here in India, they don't use a machine when a person can do the job -- people are cheaper than machines. So this poor fellow, he looks like he's 80, he's wearing a simple white tunic now stained with his sweat, has just biked ChiefThunderbutt's from the foundry in Greater Kailash II to my house here near Siri Fort. Biked! As in, he put it in the back of his rickshaw with the attachment for hauling, and then biked it 10 kilometers! The thing weighs at least 100 pounds! And now he's just dragged the medal up three flights of stairs. Mr. Sarkar, my crazy old neighbor, is shouting at me not to tip him ("He will get paid by his bloody employer! Do not give him a single rupee!") but I'm not used to having people do manual labor on my behalf; I think his efforts are worth at least 40 rupees.

And now, through the magic of computers, I'm sending this very hundred pound medal, with its brand new design, across the tubes and into ChiefThunderbutt's waiting... err, arms. Arms.

Congratulations, Chief. You deserve it.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Congrats, Chief! And make sure you tip him, a hundred pound medal sounds like a lot of work....:D
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

On behalf of the citizens and residents of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and all Commonwealth Countries and Dominions of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, I offer the very heartiest congratulations Chief. Bravo! We salute you, Sir! A well-earned victory indeed!

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

Well done Chief, keep it up!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Congratulations Chief on a hard won battle. You are a master story teller and a hell of a good guy. I will stand behind you (well maybe off to the side a little) as you lead us through the upcoming year. As for myself, I will continue on as a PR, unless of course you have a highly paid, cushy, no-show job I can take in your administration. Finally, thank you to all who voted, especially the ones who voted for me.

Oh, and Dave.....40 Rupees!!! That's about 80 cents. I hope the guy gave you a haircut and a massage also.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My sincerest thanks to all of you for this great award. It shows the quality of the life I have been living when I say, "This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

When I went to bed last night PD was ahead and I gave consideration, as I slept, to what I would say in my congratulatory message to the guy that I sincerely think writes the most consistently hilarious comments on PR. PD...you are a true master of the comeback comment and your pooetry is totally awesome.

El Scumbag....thanks for your comments. In honor of all my Internet friends in the UK I shall dine on haggis tonight with a bit of spotted dick for dessert . Next time you are visiting Lizzy at the palace tell her I would like to visit and I have the ability to totally eclipse the royal fart her consort let on the balcony some time back.

The medal causes me to lean forward when I am wearing it. This is an advantageous position from which to fire my cannon. This may prove discomforting for those behind me.

Thanks Dave, for hosting such a fun web site. It is a God-send for a flatulent old retiree.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Indeed I will Chief. Although Liz advises in Phil The Greek's defence, that he was suffering from the after-effects of a dodgy kebab on that occasion, but it was nothing compared to the one he did that morning in bed when he gave her a Dutch oven.

Which reminds me of a completely true occasion when an African king visited shortly after her coronation in the fifties. He and young Liz sat in an open-topped horse-drawn carriage when the horse pulling them farted loudly. "I am most frightfully sorry!" she diplomatically exclaimed, red-faced.
"That's quiet all right your Majesty" he replied. "I thought it was the horse."

Anyway, thread hijack over. Well done again Chief, and to you also PD. Close, but no (bum) cigar!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

If PD wishes for a recount, I can give him the number for the law offices of Dewy, Fouke, & Cheetm & Howe. I don't even want to think of the poopreport version of the dangling chad!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

What the fuck happened?? I went to bed sure I was gonna collect on my wager....fucking karma, I am telling you....it sucks.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Yeah, when I went to bed I was a cunt hair ahead. I thought I had it in the bag, so I rubbed my Al Gore statue for good luck and went to sleep.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Sorry PD, I saved my vote till the end and threw in my vote right at bedtime which broke the fifty fifty into 51/49 but I guess I was too early. But chief, conflatulations!!! You both deserved it. If the Chied got the Poolitzer prize, maybe PD should get the New Fart Times Best Smeller award. And I believe a Poop Report Hanging Chad is known as a dingleberry.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Thanks LBK. I wonder if Dave meant midnight New Delhi time?

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

Squat, the dangling Chad? Ewww! If PD wishes to challenge, it will take a heck of a lot of persuasion to convince someone to do the recounts and check all of those dangling Chads!

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

luvkimchee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Congrats Chief! Once you got ahead you used your internal bioweapon on poor prarie doggin.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

There will be no recounts! It is a time for celebration. Everybody gather 'round. The dangling Chads are on me.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Shut the hell up. You lost. That makes you a LOSER. Keep your pie hole, (and all the rest of your damn holes) closed. There is no tolerance for 2nd place. Especially when I had a substantial bet going on you, you rotten, worthless, unfunny, unimaginative, truck driving slob. I have no further use for you.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Oh yeah, congrats, and all that shit, Chief.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Congrats, Chief. And congrats to you too, PD, for such a close battle.

Hopefully this Sundays Super Bowl will be as exciting an this was.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

That's funny Bilge. Logjam also mentioned a wager (and a favor I owed him), which is why I cast my vote for the Chief at the stroke of midnight. I had no idea. Sorry.

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