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 The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter of the Year, 2004Posted 01.06.2005 by Dave (11547)
Below is the first I email I ever received from The Big Wiper:
I e-mailed you about a month ago three poop scenes from films--Teachers, North Dallas Forty and Shallow Hall. I trust you got them, but I haven't seen them updated in the Movie Archives. I actually know of a few more such scenes but haven't e-mailed about them because I didn't know if you got the first ones or planned to use them. Do you go out and rent the movies first to make sure the scenes are as described? I think your website is interesting and fun as well as liberating. There are way too many people out there who are just totally uptight about the bathroom scene. Later.That was February, 2003. Nearly two years later, The Big Wiper (as he soon became known) has published thirty-eight full-length poop reports, not to mention forty-five poop movie scene submissions, 439 article comments, and over 1500 posts on the forums. This effort has made him the third-most prolific contributor to PoopReport.com, behind Doniker and yours truly -- and Doniker and I both had a two-year head start. Since all media organizations are required by law to assess the year past no later than the first week of January, I've spent the last few days going through the archives to identify 2004's major contributors. I have to lavish heaping thanks on Clustersnarf, Jaybowel and AssBlaster2000, of course, for their invaluable behind-the-scenes work. Without them, we wouldn't have been consistently entertained by the articles, comments, and forums posts of 2004's most valuable poopers: Daphne, definitely. Turd Hugegrunt, of course. Three Ply, without a doubt. And Poonurse -- dear Poonurse. For the first half of 2004 she awed us with her wit, her style, and her encyclopedic knowledge of poo. I can honestly say that no PoopReporter has taught me more about my chosen vocation than Poonurse. Poonurse is the only PoopReporter who could have rivaled The Big Wiper in prolificacy. But at the end of July, Poonurse abruptly disappeared. Which means The Big Wiper floats alone at water level, little flakes of his greatness detaching from his bulk like fecal fish food, gently drifting down to rest on the upturned faces of we, his stubby brown colleagues, as we look in awe at him from below. That's what The Big Wiper is to us: a thick, brown bowlcurler that's the grand finale to a full playbill of poop. While each of the logs that proceeded The Big Wiper would have been perfectly satisfying on their own right, they are nevertheless dwarfed by the tremendous mass of The Big Wiper's contributions in 2004. His slimy bulk, riddled with crevasses and chasms wide enough to swallow other turds whole, somehow possess the structural integrity to wrap around the bowl a record-breaking number of times. The skidmarks left by The Big Wiper are permanent, indelible; but why would you want to remove them? Uh, I'm not really sure what the above metaphor is supposed to mean. But it's supposed to be a compliment. In 2004, The Big Wiper left a trail of smears all over PoopReport.com. He gave us moving stories. He solved mysteries. He brought up issues we'd never considered. He reported on the issues that mattered. When potential poop reports presented themselves, he didn't hesitate to get to the bottom of the story. He's a constant (and constantly cheery) presence on the forums; how many users got their first welcome not from one of the moderators, but from him? 2004 was a great year for PoopReport. We served four million pages to over 1.4 million people. We published two hundred and nine features and god knows how many thousands of forums posts and article comments. There are many, many people who made PoopReport great this year. In past year-end retrospectives, there were a few top PoopReporters, and I couldn't possibly pick one above the others without putting it to a public vote. This year, though, in my mind, no vote was necessary. Congratulations to The Big Wiper. Enjoy the Poolitzer Prize as 2004's PoopReporter of the Year -- you deserve it.
That might be the lamest graphic I've ever created. I'm very sorry. -- Dave Post new comment
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