The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter Of The Year 2007
The Big Wiper. Mastercrapper. Assblaster2000. These names, along with those of a select few others, grace hallowed halls. They've been etched into golden Ferguson thrones with diamond-encrusted poo sticks. They are icons of PoopReporting excellence that reign in a hidden mountaintop platinum washroom. These names stand alone, mighty, eternal. Gold.
Golden brown, actually.
Sometimes studded with corn.
They are the winners of PoopReport's highest award: the Poolitzer Prize. And as we searched for 2007's honoree, we realized that, unlike the years before, this year there wasn't much of a contest. One of the nominees has accomplished so much that he stands alone. And that nominee is Dave.
Since founding the website in 2001, Dave has worked tirelessly to create a place where poop humor meets intellectual thought -- where poopers like us have been able to congregate, share a laugh, tell a story, or argue over topics like toilet paper and low-flow toilets. But Dave's dream evolved into something more than just running the site that we love so much. He became interested in the human aspects; and what started as a desire to share poop humor developed into a life's goal of working to improve sanitation in other areas of the world through publicity and education.
Well, Dave's had publicity! He published a book: Poop Culture -- How America is Shaped by its Grossest National Product. He was on Spike TV's Manswers, National Geographic TV, and NPR. He lectured about poop in Iowa City, Baltimore, Philly, and New York, and appeared on dozens of radio stations and in dozens of newspapers, including USAToday and the LA Times. He was published in the New York Times. He traveled to India to become the honored guest of Dr. Bindeshwar Pathak, head of the Sulabh Toilet organization. He actually spoke at the World Toilet Summit!
His year wasn't complete, however, until he actually moved to India. That's right. Our Dave managed to promote a book, visit with a world-recognized and honored humanitarian, address the World Toilet Summit, tour, speak, and successfully babysit us while he permanently relocated to another continent! And on top of all that, he still submitted sixty-eight front-page articles over the course of the year, out-contributing the second most active PoopReporter by over fifty items.
In lieu of Dave's overwhelming accomplishments, the other four nominees for the Poolitzer have decided to decline their nominations, thus rendering a vote unnecessary. Instead, each of them has submitted words of thanks and praise to the winner for our and his enjoyment.
From The Shit Volcano: "Thanks to all those who nominated me in this campaign for the greatest shitter of year! Though I would love to accept the honor, I have come to the decision that there is one among us who deserves it more than anyone else. This PoopReporter has been with the site from the very beginning, standing up for even the lowest poopers on the totem pole when no one else acknowledged them. He has faced many changes in the last year, yet he has stood strong through all of it. Now condemned to a year of burning yellow curry shits, he will remain strong at the helm of our poopy ship in the midst of this swirling toilet bowl. I decline my nomination for Dave!"
From Bunga Din: "I appreciate TSV's nomination, but I respectfully decline. In my mind there is only ONE reporter that truly deserves to be this year's PoopReporter of the year, and that would be DAVE. Besides running the site and being its largest contributor of content, Dave has moved PoopReport and the cause several steps forward. Not only has he been written about in mainstream media, featured on National Geographic and SpikeTV, and quoted on Marketwatch.com, but he also took things one huge step forward by speaking at the World Toilet Summit, a meeting of nations designed to better the lives of BILLIONS of people. I may have made a few people laugh, but Dave has made millions of people THINK -- and for this there is no one better qualified to be PoopReporter of the year."
From The Big Wiper: "I acknowledge the kind nomination of me for PoopReporter of the Year by Daphne. It was my pleasure to make my fifth full year on PR an active one with my various posts and stories. However, this was a very special year for Dave-O. With the publication and promotion of his literary book, he has emerged from his stall and is headed down the Hall of Fame, presumably without toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe. This was Dave-O's year to shine. It was a clean wipe... err, sweep. I withdraw my nomination in favor of declaring Dave-O the 2007 winner!"
As for me, I like bright shiny things. They're neat. And pretty. I especially like that shiny PoopReporter of the Year coin next to my name on each forum post. It sparkles. Getting another one would be cool. "Hey," I thought when nominated, "I'd like the chance to get another glittery circle. Getting twinkly stuff is nice."
But you know, giving twinkly stuff is even better; and when it's long overdue and the person to receive it is as deserving as Dave, it's as good as it gets. When one considers the things he's done this year collectively, it's humbling. Our fearless leader not only spends countless hours working on the site, he also holds down a full-time job, is married, and has dedicated himself to helping others who are not as fortunate as we are. Through his writing, sense of humor, and ability to connect with people in a manner that's both warm and genuine, Dave has enlightened people to consider the way things are beyond their own bathroom, and that's the first steps towards change. It's about time he took a well-deserved pat on the back from his people and enjoyed the spotlight; and because of this, I gladly decline my nomination. You're one of the best persons I know, Dave. Thank you for allowing us to show you how much we appreciate who you are and what you've given us -- friendship, laughter, and a place where we all belong.
Well, Dave: sit back, open a bottle of bubbly, and bask in the adoration of your people. You've earned it.