Dave. There you are on the front lines of a poop story in progress and this is all the detail you can give? What kind of PoopReporter are YOU?

Dave......here you are with salmonella influenced bowels while I just did a very rare million wiper. Hope you feel better soon.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Does anyone ever think there will be a Million Wiper March?

Hey, I had to liven up this thread somehow!

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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Ill be there with a newspaper in one arm and a roll of TP in the other.

Don't forget the nivea and wet wipes for when your donut hole gets sore. Feel better soon Dave.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Skatole is some weak ass shit. (comparatively) A family of skunks has taken up residence in my shop. Been trapping and relocating. PU!

Sorry about the cough Dave. A lot of that going around, plus it seems to hang on.

Anytime I am concerned about the quality of water or food, I use grapefruit seed extract. It can save you from having the shits, it might even save your life. 4 oz. cost 12 bucks, and will last 6 months or more. Food poisoning... Never fun.

Boy I wish I had known about the grapefruit seed extract. I suffered food poisoning for the first 12 years of marriage.

PD? What happened next? After 12 years you.... Got divorced? Learned to cook? Hired a cook/housekeeper? Had her arrested for attempted murder? Became anorexic?

d. Started drinking.

Strong drink is the glue that cements many marriages.

_______________________________________________

The Hillbilly Philosopher
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

A little of that Elmers glue *wink wink* once in a while helps too.

PLeh. I've got the shits too. There's a bug going around at work. I've been peeing out my butt all day, and some cramping too.
Get better Dave.

Aw Dave, food poisoning is the worst. What did you eat?

When you get better, make sure to give us all the sordid details. We like details.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Dear Dave:

Get better soon. Do not try any peanut butter products.

It's been a horrible couple of days: fever, sweats, cramps, nausea, and endless squirting. I would eat something and then see it come out 45 minutes later. Nightmares and body aches and shivers and drenched sheets. Last night I was literally scared to fall asleep because I kept on waking up wanting to vomit. And then there was the blood -- a pinkish tinge on the paper the second day, and unmistakable red by day three.

The doctor has called it "severe food poisoning". He gave me antibiotics for cause and some sort of colon-relaxing pill for the pain, both of which seem to have worked wonders. I'm now on hour number six since my last toilet trip; yesterday, I was counting the time between contractions in minutes.

The culprit was either 8-hour-warm yogurt or scotch. (I don't think scotch harbors bacteria, right? Someone please confirm this is impossible because I'm seriously considering pouring it down the sink.)

And, I'm sad to say, for the first time in my adult life, sitting on the couch, squirming to avoid a cramp, trusting my ability to tell the difference between liquid and gas, I joined the ranks of the fallen.

I still have the cough. I'll worry about that next week.

The acidity of yoghurt (acidophilus means "acid loving") usually creates an unhealthy habitat for nasty microbes. I'm assuming this was homemade. Hard to find good starter. Most factory yoghurts pasteurize all the beneficial bugs out.

The scotch may be bad. Send it to me for testing.

Had some bad pork when I was 12. I remember the dr. coming to the house every 4 hours with morphine. (house calls at midnight? Yes, the good old days) 6 people with the shits and pain, in a 1 bathroom house, and nobody well enough to help anybody. I should write about that.

Dave, I hope you get well soon. Don't count out the possibility of a disease; yours sounds a lot like the Norovirus my wife and I both got over Christmas; that was when we learned about Depends, and I lost 11 pounds in one night. Just be very careful.

Dave;
True story- I once bought a bottle of bourbon, I can't remember the brand name, but it had a plastic Uncle Sam hat on the lid. It was kinda cloudy, but I thought that must just be normal for that stuff.
Well, everything you've described above, happened to me, too.
As we say here in Sydney, I was "as crook as Rookwood" (Sydney's largest cemetery).
So, yeah, it may have been the yogurt, but bad booze can do it, too.
Get well soon, bloke.br>_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

definitely yogurt. that stuff is made to make you shit..i can only imagine what 8 hours of warmth would do it. geeeez

to poop is to know

Hmmm...sounds nasty Dave. From the symptoms and description of the timed contractions it sounds rather suspiciously like salmonella, which I know from experience is one of the most unpleasant forms of food poisoning there is. When I had it years ago I wasn't fully well again for several weeks. Get well soon Mr Poop.

I'd like to blame the yoghurt, but scotch is evil. It's wonderful, but fucks me up completely. The last time I was drunk on it I was arrested (quite an amusing story actually) and had appalling guts (puking, squirting, just getting out the poison any old how)for 2 days after. I imagine that you are made of stronger stuff than me though mate, and it's salmonella you have, rather than an intolorance of scotch.

Sadly there's bugger all you can do about it if that's what you have. Just sweat it out, drink lots of water and wait for your body to recover. Bananas and plain boiled rice helps.

I should have known better at the liquor store. The bottle said "single malt" and had a Scottish-sounding name, but it was only 1000 rupees -- $20. I've never seen imported scotch for less than twice that. The guy told me it was domestic, the label said it as imported... man, I should have known better.

Down the drain!

Dave didn't the label "Clan MacGregor Singh" raise any warning flags?

WHY AM I AM THE FIRST DRUNK TO SAY SCOTCH PLUS DAIRY EQUALS HELL?

Just kidding, Dave.

My bet's on the yogurt for making you truly sick and then the alcohol making you dehydrated. These two things combined made you really, really high risk sick.

I know this sounds weird, but if you can find some safe apple juice over there, it's a wonderful relief to nausea and sugar depletions. In fact, apple juice has often reduced my nausea in less than fifteen minutes. I'm not saying it will work for you, but I'm saying it's worth trying. All of our best wishes to you.

Get some sleep; and I hope you wake up tomorrow well rested and hungry.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Dave, ginger ale, with added ginger juice (squeezed ginger root) is good for nausea. Also try not to think about greasy pork chops and warm buttermilk. Get better soon.

You're going to make Dave vomit again by typing that, PD. It made me...PD=mean
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Peace, Love, Twilight.

Leandra, sometimes blowing your lunch can be a good thing.

I'd suggest eating a big ol' steak, but the local gendarmes would probably execute you on the spot. I couldn't live in India...I must eat cows.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Bilge, the steak's no problem. In Mumbai, just ask around for Tony "Steaks" Singh. He'll sell you some from the trunk of his car.

Bilge, I smell a Bombay short-flick about Dave's plight. If anyone can do it, it's you.

I don't dare, I've been in hot water with Dave in the not so distant past, I'm trying to regain his adoring love and tolerance. I imagine I could do that if I actually did some front page material again, but I can't seem to turn a phrase to my satisfaction...fucking writer's block, and the Crapola review is good, too, I swear it is...just have to actually submit it.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I just imagined soupy poop.

POOP NAZI!!!

I can almost hear John Lennon playing the piano. When I hear "Imagine there's no..." Then it hit me! Where is CEP? Dave is posting very sick, CEP must be dead.

One thing we've never really explored on this site is the miracle of antibiotics. On Friday afternoon, I was crapping watery blood after two days of crapping watery everything else. A few hours after taking antibiotics, my stomach had stopped cramping and the blood had disappeared; 36 hours later, I feel completely fine.

It's amazing to think that 100 years ago, this illness probably would have killed me. And it's terrible to think that for so many people in this country around the world who don't have the 500 rupees to see a good doctor and the 200 rupees to get the medicine, it might have killed them even today.

World wide there will be 2.2 million child deaths from diarrhea within the next year, 80% of these deaths will be in children less than two years old. That will be 42,000 each week...6,000 every day or 4 each minute. One child dies this horrible death every 14 seconds. Since you started reading this a child has died somewhere, if you are a slow reader perhaps two have died. Most of these deaths occur because of something we all take for granted, a clean source of drinking water.

Another one and one-half million children will die from malaria within the next year. Many of these deaths could be prevented by a $5.00 mosquito net. In many third world countries this amount of money, that seems so trivial to us, is unatainable. A young penpal with whom I have been coresponding for the last four years is going to medical school in the desperately poor country of Rwanda. He is in charge of the outreach program at the University of Rwanda that distributes mosquito nets and teaches basic sanitation to villagers. Recently a premature child in Rwanda died because a $23.00 part was unavailable for an incubator.

We in the western world have been truly blessed and should share a little more than we do. From those who have much, much is expected.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I saw 2 subjects. Dr Fleming's magic mold, and easily preventable death. Death by poverty is enraging and saddening at the same time.

Wow, Chief. I never realized. Seems like clean drinking water should be a given, considering we live in the 21st century.

Maybe someday everybody in the world will have the most basic of neccessities.

I second that guys, especially (as Dave put it) that the difference between life and death in some areas is just pennies.

I wanted to post something amusing, but this thread has taken a bit of a sombre turn.
Heres me having survived cancer (so far), and the medical bill, which was thousands of dollars, was covered by a combination of my health insurer and Government Medicare, and yet in other parts of the world, people die for want of clean water.
Sorry, but I can't think of an amusing angle on this one...

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I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

Last year I put an extra ten dollars on my little African kid's monthly rice/whatever/medicine donation. His uncle wrote to me all excited because they got new mosquito nets. I guess the two younger kids got in two years in a row. It was stated in the same fashion as I'd tell you guys that my kids got the flu.

I can't imagine.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I dont know how it is in India. I was in China for 6 months and for the first 6 weeks I was ass-pissing every 2 hours. The Chinese don't shit in toilet bowls; they squat. Thank God for baby wipes.
this is what a "squatter" looks like: http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/images/squat-toilet.jpg

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Hey mom, is it supposed to be green?

Daphne, will you say that again about the part where the two younger ones got in and how its how you would tell us your things got the flu? I didn't hear you. I need more detail, mabe.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Hi kerrpunk, do ya have any juicy pooppy stories in your history that you would care to share with us. Can you break down the six months into little individual snippits of poop humor? I was hoping for new poop on poop report, today, as a matter of fact.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Ya bought the Glenfartclas or the Lagapoolin dint ya?

I just now stopped a minute and prayed for you, Dave, Now, I will go back up the page and read the thread.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Now that I read the whole thread, I see that Dave is already better. Good for you, Dave. Dave, I have to ask. Uh, may I ask? Why did you wait until you saw blood before you sought help. Dave, you must set an example for those poopreporters who wait too long to go to the doctor. Dave, I'm just saying, for all the anonymous cowards. I was just thinking of how you can work this experience into a poopreport directed toward poopreporters and anonymous cowards in a positive way.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Oookkkaaayy. Now, I just saw that Dave got sick in February. Ha ha. My bad. I can't see anything unless I tap it. If I tap it I get sent to a whole nother page. Fffeeeell, my frustration, as I fart. Excuse me.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Sittingpretty, when I mentioned the two younger kids, I was talking about the younger siblings of this kid we sponsor in Africa. They both got malaria two years ago. When I sent them extra money for mosquito nets, they wrote back saying how nice it was that they wouldn't have to worry about malaria this year.

The family spoke of malaria how I speak of my kids getting the normal old flu. I was making a comparison of how hard other countries' people have to live, and how lucky we are to live where we live.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Thanks, Daphne, I was just curious. That is a nice thing you are doing. When i get out from under the debt Katrina put me in, I plan to sponsor a child in a third world country as well.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Daphne, how can you speak of third world children getting malaria, when my local wine shop just ran out of my favorite Merlot?

Yeah...and I can't find any Ernie Ball Super Slinky strings for my new guitar? WTF?
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Bad boys. Bad boys. Whatcha gonna do? Bad boys.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Ernie Ball Super Slinkies are on eBay! If you watch carefully, you can get a great ten pack price every now and then. We buy D'Adarios when money is tight, but EB Slinkies are great and are the preferred string around here. Gibson just cost too damned much...

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

My mother told me to drink rice water when the squirts come. That means, boiling your rice with too much water and presto, you have a cure. I've given it to my children when they got sick with the flu.
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assfix

assfixation....Is your mother Asian? soft-cooked rice is a cure for all stomach ailments in Japan. In China soft cooked rice is called "congee" and normally eaten for breakfast.

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Beer is Australian penicillin, and fixes just about everything.
I was up at Bathurst for the big race one year, and I saw a couple of my friends pour beer on their coco pops for breakfast.
Laugh if you like, but I got sick and they didn't.
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

erm, daphne-
Is $7.95 a good price for a packet of Jim Dunlop 9-gauge?
I must have bought 'em a while back, 'cause I found 'em in the back of my little amp, and I can't remember where they came from.

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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt--I'm a white Canadian, as a matter of fact, my second name is Blanche.