Brilliant use of comment cards!!! The illustration should,in a fair world, be the tipping point for any airline emplploye to take action. I would be shocked and dissappointed to discover that this complaint yielded no result.

As if I didn't hate flying enough already. Next time I fly I'm getting extra Xanax in case I get seat 29E.

I was looking forward to doing another ArtPad picture for this post, but I think Chip has done it well enough himself!

I commend this fellow for holding out until the end... I would have demanded one of the flight attendants sit there while I luxuriate in their allocated, spacious seating area (which is always suspiciously close to the emergency exits).

I was on one of those international flights that have a seperate bathroom for first class, and I was sitting in the front row of coach(extra leg room). This one fligh in paticular a large woman from first class walks into the bathroom in front of me and I heard everything. Grunts, greasy farts, splattering, and more grunting. It was topped off when she opened the door, the smell didnt leave the area for hours. I have not sat next to a lavatory since then on any flight.

As I was waiting to board my flight from San Jose to Boston last October, i watched 2 parents let their devil child run amok amongst waiting area, screaming, knocking stuff over, making general mayhem. I was thinking to myself " I feel sorry for the poor bastard that gets to sit next to that hitler youth".
We were all boarding and guess who sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME, but yes, Damian reincarnated. To make this short, and this is all true, the kid would not sit still, the impotent parents sat and tried to passify the uncreasingly difficult beast-child, then it happened, the plane was taxiing and the kid craps his diaper. Stink can only mildy descibe the acidy, putrid, spoiled enfamil stench emanating from the devil shortie. (I am next to the window, w/ no excape, and no available seats due to over-booking-THANKS UNITED!)
Impotent hillbilly parents decide to change brats diaper IN THE SEAT. Of course, w/me about 26.5 inches from the "eye o the storm".
More stink, more screaming and kicking of devil-child, and guess what? On one of the 3,000 kicks, the little bastard kicks a glob of his stinky poo right onto my left leg. Mommydummest only can say "oops" and wipes the gooey, stinky brown blob from my pants leaving a dark smelly blotch on my Levi's. I think "I can cut my leg off".
After getting bastard-child back in clean ass cover and pants, he sits up, looks directly at Mummydummest, then me and horks up a nice clumpy whitesh squishy barf. Unfortunately, Mummydummest and Papadummer can only start to dry heave, making me join in in this queer family-like gathering. The stewerdess was very sympathetic, but not helpful. She wouldn't open the emergency exit and let me die a quick death.
When I arrived in Chicago, I asked the clerk to MAKE sure I was not next to a child. I also sent a long letter to the complaint department, they apologized and sent me a virtually worthless comp ticket. Moral- Dn't let stupid people breed, don't fly United.

The illustrations are hilarious!

Now that's some funny shit!

I've never been on an airplain but after these stories, I don't think I ever want to fly. My sypathy to all who've ever been in a similar situation.

This sounds horrendous but the toilets on the long distance coaches in the UK are every bit as bad. The floor is generally swimming in piss as most men will insist on standing to pee although the sign clearly indicates that they should sit. As the movement of the coach will make them move about then invariably they pee all over the seat and floor so the next man to use it will not be able to sit and will do the same. I feel sorry for women who need to use the toilet or anyone needing a poo. The toilet is supposed to flush into a big tank under the coach but often it will clog up and soon is brimming with piss and shit. All it needs is someone with diarrhea or who is travel sick and the toilet is now a chamber of foulness. The stink wafts into the coach from the toilet when the door is opened and in warm wearther this is really obnoxious. Unless the alternative is to wet or soil their underwear most passengers will hold it in till the next comfort stop and use the proper toilets there. I feel sorry for the driver or cleaners who have to deal with this mess. At least on trains there is more stability and the toilet flushes onto the track.

I'm curious. Did you ever get a reply from the airline? If so, it should get posted next to this report.

Just to let everyone know there was no reply or compensation to this particular person despite what the Continental spokesperson said in the newspapers.

A beautiful cartoonish letter. I doubt they every did anythign about it though. Sad sad world though!

I laughed until I farted over this particular scanned email which Chip forwarded to Dave who then thoughtfully posted for our gratification. It took some time to make out the handwritten message, but it was worth it. I’ve sat in the shitty 29E seat and this letter writer doesn’t exaggerate.

For those of you who have trouble deciphering others’ handwriting, below you’ll find a typed version of the letter:
===============================================
12-21-04

Flt #888 / SDO ---- Houston
Seat 29E

[Received April 13, 2005 Customer ???]

Dear Continental Airlines:

I am disgusted as I write to you about this miserable experience I am having sitting in Seat 29E on one of your aircrafts.
As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out with my left arm and touch the door. All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It’s difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is?
Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that is blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the whoosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers’ asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzle?
I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment. While effective in blocking at least some of the smell and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!
I am picturing a boardroom full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the lav. [hand-drawn illustration] I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch and taste from my seat. Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks! [hand-drawn illustration with caption: “Depiction of man’s butt in my face.”]
Does your company give refunds? I’d like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.
I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor….. What about my hair! I feel like I’m bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid and there is no man in a little boat to save me. I am filled with deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.
We are finally descending and soon I will be about to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.
I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smoldering brown hole empty, an end place for sturdy/non-absorbing (two illegible words) maybe, but not (one illegible word) cargo.
===============================================

Note from bunghole: sure wish I could make out those three illegible words. I wonder if passenger on Flight #888, seat 29E ever got his refund?

I note this was marked "Received" by the airline on 04.13.2005. Had it been written prior to 09.11.2001, it might explain a lot.

The first time I read this masterpiece I nearly pissed myself I laughed so hard. The illustrations just made it that much better. I would pay 1000 dollars to just meet this person and shake their hand becuase they are just that fucking funny. I swear I will never laugh that hard again in my life. Where are you seat 29E??????

Following is a letter I recently wrote to Continental...

To Whom It May Concern:

I recently took a trip to Las Vegas from Houston and traveled on your airline on the following flight:

Sun 11-Jun-06

Houston (IAH)Depart 6:30 pm Terminal C to Las Vegas (LAS)Arrive 7:43 pm Terminal 1 1,227 mi(1,975 km)Duration: 3hr 13mn
Flight: 397

My husband and I use your airline for travel approximately 4 times per year and are also Continental ONEPASS members (#BU630536).

We have always enjoyed both the value and convenience of traveling with Continental Airlines in the past, however, this particular flight was the single worst experience my husband and I (and I am quite certain, every passenger on this death flight) have EVER had on any airline.

The flight began as most do, a smooth takeoff, beverage and snack service, etc. Neither I nor any of the other passengers on this plane had any way of knowing that we would soon be terrified out of our wits on what can only be described as “the nightmare flight from Hell”.

After a rather pleasant three-hour flight, we had begun our descent, visions of Royal Flushes and drunken revelry dancing in our heads. After all, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”, right? Not this time.

We were inches away from touching down (literally, inches), the passengers already bracing for that little bump which tells us all that we can start gathering our belongings and heading merrily on our way to spending obscene amounts of money, when it happened. And by IT, I mean one of the most horrific experiences of my life.

Suddenly, the pilot made a maneuver the likes of which one only sees in air shows while standing blissfully on the ground with two feet planted firmly in place. The movies have taught me enough about flying to know that the pilot must have yanked pretty hard on that little steering thingy, because we began rocketing back into the sky at an angle and speed that threw us all against the backs of our collective seats. As we climbed into the sky, thoughts of 9/11 and whatever Gods we all pray to racing through our minds, no announcement was made over the loudspeaker. Up and up we climbed at this obscene angle, with no announcement or explanation from pilot, co-pilot, or stewardess to ease our increasingly troubled minds and/or to prevent us all from having a heart attack. Then, just as suddenly, the plane banked sharply (and by sharply, I mean that I thought the pilot was attempting a barrel roll) to the left, and a goodly number of passengers may have lost control of their bladders and/or bowels. Still, no announcement from the pilot. At this point, I began saying the “Hail Mary” and deciding that sooner rather than later was the time to start making my peace with God, death, the tragedy of an unfinished life cut short… you know, all that stuff. About ten minutes went by with no announcement from the terrorists, I mean, pilot. Finally, a voice came over the loudspeaker, and you are not going to believe what happened next. The pilot said, “Attention ladies and gentlemen, sorry about that. Apparently some retard taxied onto our runway as we tried to land.” Yep, he said it, RETARD. At this point the sheer relief that washed over me like a mountain stream when I realized that we were not, in fact headed on a collision course with the largest and most populated hotel in Las Vegas was replaced by complete and utter outrage. We are close friends with a woman whose son is a “retard” and my mom teaches “retards” at school.

I understand that not only were WE all terrified, but the pilot obviously was too or he probably would have chosen his words more carefully. However, I think Goose and Maverick up there in the cockpit could have allayed our fears about 8 minutes after we began thinking about never seeing our families and loved ones again, and then by doing so in a calm and collected manner without insulting mentally challenged people everywhere.

I have never had such a horrible experience on a plane before in my life and I hope to God I never will again. I have always preferred Continental Airlines to any other, but this entire episode is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion.

Sincerely;

Danielle St. Amant

So this pilot saves your life, and you are mad at him for his choice of words? Give me the name of the pilot, Mrs. St. Amant, and I will cheerfully travel on any of his flights.

I gather you would rather die on a plane in the hands of a more "politically correct" nincompoop? Be my guest. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

("Nincompoop"--now, there's a neat PR word!)

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

*says in Clara Peller imitation* "WHERE'S THE POOP?!?

Anon Cow-- This is a POOP site. Not only is Dumpster correct, but there's no poop in your story. Bad Form.

So I guess you would feel better if I had crapped my pants? You belong to a website based entirely around feces and then accuse me of having bad form? Please.

My husband, Byron, and I just discovered this evening that his letter has been making its way around cyberspace for the last year.

I swear I speak the truth, he is the author of the 29E letter to Continental.

To answer a few questions that people asked on this site
-Continental did call to apologize.
-Continental did send a letter of apology.
-No refund or vouchers were given.
-This flight was after 9/11/01 as it was December 2004. He just didn't mail it to them until after the new year.
-Illegible words are "non-absorbing 'luggage', but not 'human' cargo".

Why am I writing this posting instead of him? Because he asked me to while he is still Googling to see where else his letter has been printed!

Happy Travels and Good Poops to Everyone!

I am honored to post after you! What a tremendously funny but obviously angry letter he wrote.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I writing to verify that Libby Nobis really is the wife of the passenger in Seat 29E, and everything she says is true. He is my brother. Our whole family is marveling at the propagation of his letter. Hi Libby.

This makes me happy that I haven't had occasion to be on a plane since '93 ...

OTOH I could give some horror stories about Greyhound bus toilets.

As someone who has sat in that exact seat, I can honestly say I knew exactly where that letter was going.

Each and every detail is not exagerated in the least.

My only regret is not having thought of throwing up a stink shield...taht was sheer brilliance....but it probabbly cost him $5 for the rental of the blanket.

the illegible words are "Luggage" and "human" respectively.

amazing...people should get to travel a bit more. this is a common problem on all airplanes. i have no idea why this gets hyped so much. i admit the writer is a bit funny. he should have tried my flight from the middle-east to a 3rd world country where the whole plane was filled with guest workers with diarrhea (seriously the toilet was cramped from start to landing for roughly 7-8 hours). I was obviously sitting in a '29e' seat. That taught me never to ask for leg space although I am rather tall and resistant to a bit of smell.

Concerning the Las Vegas story - please stop being a drama queen, mediocre author and thank the pilot for saving your life.

Seriously, Vegas, worst story I've ever heard. Was this your 7th grade english project? "Like a mountain stream?" Were you studying similes that day? And utter outrage, really? "Oh my god, my son totally knows a guy who met a retarded kid once..." Get over your boring life.

And to the pilot - HIGH FIVE!

This letter is from Found Magazine which has a lot more great stuff like it.

if you want to avoid bad seats check out www.seatguru.com

I've travelled hundreds of thousands of miles each year by plane, and always check there to avoid seats near the bathroom.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 01.12.2007

This letter is from Found Magazine which has a lot more great stuff like it.

So who wrote it? "You" or someone else? I'd for sure fly with this pilot. Let me reiterate what others have said, just in case you missed it: HE SAVED YOUR LIFE.

This guy sonds very upst about being seated directly across the restroom. Maybee his note will inspire the airline to supply but plugs for the passenges, to appease this guy.

Though the situation sounds very unpleasant, but this has to be expected. The only things that the airline could do, is A) take this seat out of use, or B) have some sort of an air freshener next to the bathroom. As for the constant flushing, I'm dry there.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

Mediocre writer? You couldn't write your way out of a paper bag, you illiterate fuck. I guess if it does not involve feces, then you are just not interested. Typical, considering this generation's fascination with the irrelavent consomme that defines our world. Keep up the good work, writing ridiculous posts in order to make yourself feel some sort of self-worth. I suppose that we should just be glad to survive a simple flight and then suck the pilot's dick in thanks for not destroying us all. My bad.

BTW, my life is more exciting and fulfilling than someone of your meager intelligence and experience could possibly imagine in your wildest and wettest dreams. Please, before you attempt to criticize someone else's writing and/or life, take a good look in the mirror, wash off those ham-hocks you call fingers, and if you are subsequently able to hit one key at a time, try saying something that even resembles an intelligent response.

I don't understand why you would take exception to someone pointing out that your story (while interesting in the right context) was OUT of context.

Did you not NOTICE that you were posting on a POOP HUMOR site before you posted?

Since you seem to have (repeatedly) missed the point of this website, and have stated that you do not approve of the activity herein, why do you keep coming back?

If you don't like it here, that's okay. No one is twisting your arm. You can go. Come back when you have a funny poop story!

I fully admit that my story was completely out of context. When I posted, I was unaware of the website's "affiliations" and was under the impression that it was a complaint board about Continental Airlines as a result of a link that brought me directly here and not to the homepage. I accept that. The insults to my ability to communicate properly and/or effectively are what I take exception to.

You mean to tell me that you didn't notice all the poopy references/banners/avatars up and down the sides of the article you were reading?

Hmmmn... I'll give you "literate", but you lost a point there for "observant". I mean, c'mon. A red-and-brown 1/2" BUTTPLUGS sign? How does someone miss that? :) :) :)(friendly rib, that is)

I'm not saying it was one of my most shining moments :) I was pretty irate about the experience and was more concerned with venting than with buttplugs.