The Perils Of The Autoflush
Editor's Note: These two remarkably similar experiences first appeared on the forums.
I just went to take a crap in my campus's newfangled computer lab building. The faucets
and toilets are both automatic and motion-sensitive. The way the toilets flush is that
there's an infrared beam that senses when you're in front of it, and after you get up,
it flushes. Or at least that's how it's supposed to work.
So I had finished expelling the contents of my bowels, and was ready to wipe and flush.
I guess I leaned forward just a bit too much.
The automatic flusher: electric eye -- or evil eye?
The toilet thought I had got off the seat,
and proceeded with a mighty and messy flush that sprayed water EVERYWHERE. This was no
minor suck of water down the tubes -- it fauceted up like a geyser, soaking the little
paper seat cover and splattering droplets on the back of my legs.
By this point I had
gotten up, hoping to avoid the spray, but to no avail. I even felt one drop hit me on
the cheek. Maybe I would have been better off just staying put and letting the spray hit
my legs and ass. Now I have to go through the day knowing there may be tiny particles of
shit-water scattered liberally all over my clothes and body. I did wash my face, but
it's only a minor comfort. The waste seemed to flush down *pretty* quickly, and the
water I saw rocketing up seemed clean and clear. But still.
Maybe I was just getting a karmic payback for taking the handicapped stall.
I had a horrendous experience with an automatic toilet at college today. I was paying my
tuition when I got this horrendous urge to shit and piss, thanks to my greasy breakfast
and coffee of a few hours prior (which I shall heretofore refer to as the AB2K Theorem:
Greasy Breakfast + Coffee = Poop + Piss, therefore Greasy Breakfast = Poop and Coffee =
Anyway, as soon as I wrote my check I made a mad dash to the nearest restroom and let it
fly. It just so happened that this restroom had an automatic toilet. Well after I was
done unleashing the Brown Beast of Bunghole I naturally decided to wipe.
So I reached my
arm around my ass and I set off the goddamn sensor. It flushed and sprayed water all
over my ass and arm. Nasty. I wiped again. I got sprayed again. Well, I wasn't gonna let
this bastard get me a third time so I got up off the toilet and wiped in a bent over
position with my legs straight and back perpendicular to the floor. That still set off
the sensor, but I didn't get sprayed; however, it wasn't a very effective wiping
Next, I moved in front of the toilet and squatted in a simulated toilet-sitting
position, but with no toilet. Wipe successful, but still set off sensor. So I inched
forward and wiped like that again. Wiping completed, and this time it did not set off sensor. However,
there was now the predicament of a piece of TP in the bowl. It wasn't very dirty and I
probably could have left it there, but I know how I feel when there's TP left in the
toilet so I decided not to do it to anyone else.
I now proceeded to set off the sensor, but irony of all ironies, the son of a bitch
didn't work. I tried everything. I waved my arm in front of it in the same position as I
wiped. I bent over and shook my ass at it. I contemplated kicking it but instead waved
my foot in front of it a few times. It was then that I decided to use the emergency
flush button that is there for when the sensor doesn't work. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The
damn thing triggered the toilet in such a way that it refused to stop flushing. Shit. I
got the fuck out of there quickly so no one would catch me, but not without washing my
hands and arm first.
I've decided that the sensor behind the toilet was a proximity sensor as well as a
motion sensor and it obviously works only when someone's on the toilet. Just another
example of engineers not thinking about the real world. Haven't their asses ever been
sprayed with water?