The Perils Of The Autoflush

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PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Editor's Note: These two remarkably similar experiences first appeared on the forums.

I just went to take a crap in my campus's newfangled computer lab building. The faucets
and toilets are both automatic and motion-sensitive. The way the toilets flush is that
there's an infrared beam that senses when you're in front of it, and after you get up,
it flushes. Or at least that's how it's supposed to work.

So I had finished expelling the contents of my bowels, and was ready to wipe and flush.
I guess I leaned forward just a bit too much.








The automatic flusher: electric eye -- or evil eye?





The toilet thought I had got off the seat,
and proceeded with a mighty and messy flush that sprayed water EVERYWHERE. This was no
minor suck of water down the tubes -- it fauceted up like a geyser, soaking the little
paper seat cover and splattering droplets on the back of my legs.

By this point I had
gotten up, hoping to avoid the spray, but to no avail. I even felt one drop hit me on
the cheek. Maybe I would have been better off just staying put and letting the spray hit
my legs and ass. Now I have to go through the day knowing there may be tiny particles of
shit-water scattered liberally all over my clothes and body. I did wash my face, but
it's only a minor comfort. The waste seemed to flush down *pretty* quickly, and the
water I saw rocketing up seemed clean and clear. But still.

Maybe I was just getting a karmic payback for taking the handicapped stall.

-- corncob


I had a horrendous experience with an automatic toilet at college today. I was paying my
tuition when I got this horrendous urge to shit and piss, thanks to my greasy breakfast
and coffee of a few hours prior (which I shall heretofore refer to as the AB2K Theorem:
Greasy Breakfast + Coffee = Poop + Piss, therefore Greasy Breakfast = Poop and Coffee =
Piss).

Anyway, as soon as I wrote my check I made a mad dash to the nearest restroom and let it
fly. It just so happened that this restroom had an automatic toilet. Well after I was
done unleashing the Brown Beast of Bunghole I naturally decided to wipe.

So I reached my
arm around my ass and I set off the goddamn sensor. It flushed and sprayed water all
over my ass and arm. Nasty. I wiped again. I got sprayed again. Well, I wasn't gonna let
this bastard get me a third time so I got up off the toilet and wiped in a bent over
position with my legs straight and back perpendicular to the floor. That still set off
the sensor, but I didn't get sprayed; however, it wasn't a very effective wiping
position.

Next, I moved in front of the toilet and squatted in a simulated toilet-sitting
position, but with no toilet. Wipe successful, but still set off sensor. So I inched
forward and wiped like that again. Wiping completed, and this time it did not set off sensor. However,
there was now the predicament of a piece of TP in the bowl. It wasn't very dirty and I
probably could have left it there, but I know how I feel when there's TP left in the
toilet so I decided not to do it to anyone else.

I now proceeded to set off the sensor, but irony of all ironies, the son of a bitch
didn't work. I tried everything. I waved my arm in front of it in the same position as I
wiped. I bent over and shook my ass at it. I contemplated kicking it but instead waved
my foot in front of it a few times. It was then that I decided to use the emergency
flush button that is there for when the sensor doesn't work. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The
damn thing triggered the toilet in such a way that it refused to stop flushing. Shit. I
got the fuck out of there quickly so no one would catch me, but not without washing my
hands and arm first.

I've decided that the sensor behind the toilet was a proximity sensor as well as a
motion sensor and it obviously works only when someone's on the toilet. Just another
example of engineers not thinking about the real world. Haven't their asses ever been
sprayed with water?

-- Assblaster2000

19 Comments on "The Perils Of The Autoflush"

anonymous's picture
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I have the secret to fooling the autoflush sensor. See, the sensor is a timer and a proximity sensor. If you are close enough to the sensor for about 10-15 seconds, the toilet will flush as soon as you move farther away. Of course, to this thing, half an inch is "farther away" enough. To fool it, BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN, wrap some toilet paper over the little eye. The eye will read the paper and think there's still someone there until you move the paper. Just be careful not to get too relaxed and accidentally nudge the paper with your backside...

Kevin Ubank's picture
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show some freaking poo on this freaking website you freaking non-poop freaks. Just get them!!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Auto flush toilets suck! Talk about the ultimate in pooper laziness! What's next, auto wipers?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

chad's picture
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when i was 10 (now 17) i went to use one of these auto flushers, i finshed my ghastly business. went to wipe, the thing flushed one problem THE THING WAS CLOOGED! It overflowed into my pants when i returned to the car my dad said, we were too late werent we? I said "THE FUCKER OVERFLOEWD IN MY PANTS!

Luis Santos's picture
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This auto flush devices don't work half of the time, the batteries are dead, then they flush when you move in the seat, splashing you under the hood, some dont have a manual button so you can flush as you use it so it wont clog with all the paper, all and all, people should not buy them for the buziness.

ASStroblaster's picture
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dude thease stupid "auto flushers" suck. they mess you up wen/ever you take a shit and they scare the hell out of ya....
idiots who make 'em

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Yeah, guess I am not the only one who knows about the TP trick.

If you prefer to flush manually (like I do), some auto flush toilets have a button on top of the sensor.

I remember my first experience with the auto flush. I remember after finishing up, I looked all over that damed toilet, trying to figure how to flush. I found the button on top of the sensor, it flushed. Then about 15 secons later, while washing my hands, it flushed again. Baffled, I had to find out who flushed the second time. I was the only person in the restroom. I went back into the stall, looking all over the sensor, I found an autoflush logo. That reasured me that I hadn't gone cuko, and introduced me to autoflush.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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When GoGirlie was 5 or so, my friend's daughter was so hysterically paranoid of the autoflushers that were popping up everywhere, that if GoGirlie and I joined them somewhere, we knew we'd probably spend some of the time hunting down a traditional toilet for the other little girl to use.

Then one day, I had both girls, and we were running late, and they had to pee. The only bathroom nearby had autoflushers. The fearful flusher said, "I can't go in there!"

To which I replied, "Okay, let's head for the car!"

"But I have to GO!"

"Then GO. This is your only choice."

She went.

Aversion therapy. Dr.GGG at your service.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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This has been annoying and grossing me out for a long time!

Toilets which flush themselves (automatic time sensored flushers)! Toilets are both automatic and motion-sensitive. The way the toilets flush is that there's an infrared beam that senses when you're in front of it, and after you get up, it flushes. Or at least that's how it's supposed to work.

These have to be the most annoying uses of technology! If I wanted a toilet to flush 5 seconds after I sit down, I'd do it myself! I think it's disgusting! The flusher thingys are so powerful they make you sit on a wet seat and then they splash up on you and get ya all wet when it flushes after ya sit down! EEEEWWW! NASTY!

Here's my story (modified)(and parts thanks to corncob):

"I finished my "duty" and was ready to wipe and flush. I guess I leaned forward just a bit too much. The toilet thought I had got off the seat, and proceeded with a mighty and messy flush that sprayed water EVERYWHERE. This was no minor suck of water down the tubes -- it fauceted up like a geyser, soaking the little paper seat cover and splattering droplets on the back of my legs.

By this point I had gotten up, hoping to avoid the spray, but to no avail. Maybe I would have been better off just staying put and letting the spray hit my legs and ass. Now I have to go through the day knowing there may be tiny particles of nasty water scattered liberally all over my clothes and body. The waste seemed to flush down *pretty* quickly, and the water I saw rocketing up seemed clean and clear. But still."

I don't want a bidet!
If I wanted a damn bidet--- Don't ya think I'd install one in the privacy of my own home to use??? SERIOUSLY!

If you don't know what a Bidet is....
Go to: http://www.Wikipedia.com for the Definition of "Bidet".
Until then- I fear automatic toilet flushers! LOL!

My last question is this.... Why does technology decide how long it should take for someone to do their business in the bathroom????

I really don't think those things belong in restrooms!
Oh and they waste more water than they conserve!

Signed,
Pissed off in Minneapolis, MN

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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This past Sunday at church, we were in our classroom, located at the far end of the second floor of the far building. I had to go to the bathroom, and did so, after which the electronic eye flushed for me.

And flushed, and flushed, and flushed, continuously, and Would Not Stop, no matter what I did. GottaMan was waiting for me outside, so I dragged him in there to look at it, and he just shrugged and said, "I don't know anything about those gadgety flushers!"

Which meant that I had to walk the length of the building, down the stairs, around the corner, and across the courtyard, returning all greetings with a perfunctory "HiHowAreYa?" and avoiding all conversation, to get to the Welcome Center.

Once there, I approached the kiosk and sotto voce, told the gal on duty about the problem. My goodsister then bellowed, "THE TOILET'S OVERFLOWING UPSTAIRS?!? WE'LL GET A TRUSTEE TO LOOK AT IT! BILL?!? GGG PLUGGED UP A TOILET IN THE CLASSROOM BUILDING, AND IT'S OVERFLOWING!"

"No, no.", I tried to correct her. "It's not overflowing. It's just flushing incessantly."

"DID YOU TRY WIPING THE EYE? SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WIPE THE EYE AND THAT TAKES CARE OF IT!"

"I don't know. It just won't stop."

"WELL WHAT'D YOU PUT DOWN THERE?"

"I didn't..."

Mercifully, Bill arrived at that point, patted me on the arm and whispered, "It's that fourth stall up there, isn't it? That one never has been right. I'll go take a look." I love Bill.

Someone then queried, "Where'd Bill go?"

"GGG PLUGGED UP A TOILET IN THE CLASSROOM BUILDING AND IT'S OVERFLOWING AND BILL HAD TO GO SEE IF HE COULD FIX IT!!!"

Help me, Jesus.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Evil eye. I hate auto flush toilets as well.

If I have to use an auto flush, I always cover the eye with a wad of tissue paper. This disables the sensor.

This story is more proof that technology is taking over our lives.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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You know, I most often flush myself, too. I just make sure to wrap a bit of tp around my finger before touching the button.

Splashback phobia.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

anonymous coward's picture
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wow. i don't know why i'm surprised there is a website like this, but i kind of was at first. lol, poop report.

anyway here's my two cents; we have them at the college i go to and have the same problem with leaning forward, etc. never even thought of what an overflow could do...lol...that would and must have sucked. my sympathies.

anyway the toilet paper thing i came up with myself too because, probably like any of you have, i realized if i could block the sensor i could avoid that little lean problem.

then after recently doing business it struck me that i could anonymously do myself and all the other poor f*cks this happened to a favor with duct tape - one of the greatest inventions of all time - what problem cant it fix?

so i hustled back to my dorm, grabbed a roll, and jet back. the whole time im thinking a) im so f*ckin clever and b) hope nobody walks in and sees/hears me doin this cuz thatd be kinda strange

i make sure to take a sharpie and write as big as possible FLUSH on each piece covering the sensor in each of the 3 stalls too...a warning the average kid and drunk might ignore but i figure its the right thing to do

so i go back to my room, 2 doors away, and i hear the toilets flushing and stuff and im thinking "people are probably just noticing and thinking what a great idea this was"

then within 10 minutes, i hear the toilets flush another 8 or 9 times...and im no statistician but i figure the odds of that many people going to guys b.r. on my floor so soon after i did that little project are astronomical

so i had this nightmare vision of the toilets flushing all night and nobody realizing why or hearing it, and then i wake up the next morning with all my electronics destroyed bc toilets overflowed and water seeped into my surge protector or something.

so i removed all the tape. what started out seeming like a sign of ingenuity and goodwill was outdone by my inclination towards irrational fears and just not wanting to hear flushing all night long

dont know how the laser would have picked up a signal though? could it have been microfibers from the tape being pulled toward or away from sensor? not sure.

another note; answer to robot blocking question could also be push, pile, or puke (all synonyms in a way for real answer, but follow the rules)

*sigh* and with that, its back to my psychology assignment

Anonymous Coward's picture
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How about those automatic flushers that don't have a manual button. At this office I worked at, I had this situation where the automatic flushers didn't even work. So after I finished my business, the damn toilet didn't flush. I first looked for the manual button, but there was none. How stupid! I tried moving my hand over the sensor. Nothing. I kept my hand over the sensor, then backed it away to simulate someone sitting and getting up. Still nothing. I even attempted to sit down again and get up...again nothing. What to do? How nasty is it to leave your crap in the toilet! I had to cover the contents with TP and unfortunately had to leave it. Yuck.

Mad Dad's picture
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Unfortunately, AC, the auto-flushers do work and in the most horrific way. I took my daughter to the circus yesterday--a present on her 5th birthday. Since she's starting all-day kindergarten this fall, I've been working on getting her more independent in using public bathrooms since she starts school in less than three months. Before the show began, she said she had to pee and although I walked her to the doorway of the womens bathroom, I nudged (OK, actually bribed with a big 2-inch sucker) her to go in on her own and do her business. She did a nice job earlier this month in two trial runs when we used the mens room at the mall. Well, she got into a stall, latched the door (something she formerly was afraid to do), and got herself up on the stool. She started peeing, but because her feet don't quite touch the floor, she started to drop her sucker and in grabbing it from her knee, she apparently lost her balance and momentarily got down off the stool. This set off the flusher which totally spooked her because she was still peeing and her underside got wet. Our previous practices were in the mens' room where they have manual flushers. These sensor-activited flushers are just too traumatic for the unsuspecting child and have provided a setback in me getting my Natalie confident and ready for September 2.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I don't mean to snicker, Mad Dad, but this story is just another one of those weird traumas that happen to kids around your daughter's age. It makes me recall my own fifth birthday, which was just as traumatic as hers. (Though, thankfully it didn't include an auto flush.)

Apparently I got some sort of flu and hadn't been feeling well all day, which sucks for a kid's birthday. To make me feel better, Dad took me out to get a grape slushy, one of my favorite things. BIG... MISTAKE!!!

That evening Dad and his girlfriend decided we were going to have dinner at Jack In The Box, a restaurant I hated. He refused to listen to me when I said I hated the place and thought I was just being moody because I wasn't feeling well. As we stood in line, me dreading the menu choices (which in the early 1980s included these gross hot dogs and tacos), when I felt a distinct rumbling in my stomach.

Uh oh, I thought. It was what I later learned to call a "harmonic tremor", the signs of eruption. As I tried desperately to warn the villagers of my impending volcanic might, the churning magma grew impatient. In a split second, a pyroclastic flow of purple funk burst from my mouth and almost completely covered the tile in front of the counter. I was just as amazed as everyone else that this tremendous amount of vomit could come from a kid my size.

To make a long story short, we left, and I was at least spared the dreaded Jack In The Box meal. (Since then I have always called it Puke In The Box.) For years I thought of this as one of my worst birthdays ever.

Take heart, though. Your daughter is most likely to get to school, find regular manual flush toilets, and copy the other kids who are more confident on the toilet. It's how kindergarten works. And someday she may laugh at her traumatic auto flush experience like I laugh at my puke story.

_______
Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Check out our poll on auto-flush mechanisms; I think they are one of the most disliked of all modern inventions, for sanitary as well as aesthetic reasons. On top of all that, I like to decide when I'm done and not let a machine do it.

Nanny Nanci's picture
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I've had five years experience as a nanny and what I earn is putting my through graduate school. First, it borders on child neglect to just point a 5-year-old to the restroom in what it seems like was a large civic center building. No matter how much they begged, I would NEVER let one of my charges go in alone. Second, no child of any age should be taking a large sucker or any other food item for that matter into a public restroom. The reasons are multiple and need not be stated. Third, one of the first things I had to teach the two girls I nanny when they were that age is that you can't sit on a higher and overall larger public toilet with the ease you do at home. It just doesn't work. Dropping your underwear all the way to your shoes will enable you to spread you legs wider and help you achieve additional balance and confidence that you are not going to fall in. Fourth, one of my girls' falling-in fears was addressed at age 3 1/2 when at the movies I taught her to get up on the side of the stool and sit over the side of the seat. Grabbing on to the toilet paper holder in front of her gave her the much needed extra assurance. Fifth, while I prefer we didn't have the auto-flush mechanisms, they are a reality and they are not going away. If you haven't been in an elementary, middle or high school bathroom lately, avail yourself the opportunity. Count the stalls and with each one you will likely be able to readily see another reason why auto-flush mechanisms are coming with the next bond issue and renovation.

shitake boy's picture
l 100+ points
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I hate, Hate, HATE!!! the auto flusher. That thing has caused me more aggrevation than I can tell you in one blog. It seems that a lot of the college bathrooms have these menacing devices. I like to be the one to decide when my shit gets flushed. I find this sometimes creates a false hope for someone who is waiting for a stall to use. In most mens' bathrooms, there are generally one or two stalls, and maybe three if we are lucky. In most cases, the stalls are outnumbered 2:1 by urinals. Forget girls not pooping...it is almost like it is assumed that men do not poop. There are many times when I have had false hopes of getting on a toilet in a timely fashion, when my bowels would be in a diar state; this is because of those auto flushers. Especially in one-stall mens rooms. In short, when a man uses a stall, it is going to be occupied for a longer period of time, and therefore more are needed in public men's rooms. I know that if I have to pee and all the urinals are being used, I can go in a stall, and use the toilet, however, if I need to shit, and all the stalls are occupied, I need to wait because, I can't shit in a urinal. I actually have no problem with urinals having auto flushers, the toilets need manual flushing.

_______
In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM