The Bidet: Not Just for Hairy European Women Anymore

// // 293 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Every day, at about 2:30pm, I salute Thomas Crapper with a grunt, a
splash, a cursory wipe, and a flush. In contemporary America, this is how
we were all taught to poop.

Recently, however, I've felt the winds of change
blow through my bathroom. For once, this wind was not flatulence.
Instead, it came in the form of a cool, comforting geyser of water, hosing
down my overused undercarriage. That's right, I had taken the next step in
bathroom technology. As the French would say, I "straddled the pony."

Despite its mystique -- and its reputation for being a fixture primarily
for women -- the bidet (pronounced "bih-DAY") is nothing for the brawny
American man to fear.







Colon Bowell demonstrates proper bidet use.

STEP ONE

It's fairly obvious what step one is.

STEP TWO

Wipe like you would normally wipe.

STEP THREE

Flush like you would normally flush.

STEP FOUR

Adjust water temperature and pressure. Remember, your nether-regions are sensitive...

STEP FIVE

Enjoy as a powerful stream of water cleans and purifies your delighted anus.






Many men were first introduced to the bidet when
stationed in France during World War I. After a lascivious romp with a
"mistress of the evening," U.S. soldiers observed these vivacious vixens
rinsing themselves off with this fascinating French invention. Perhaps
those desperate, horny men were the first to perceive the full potential of
the bidet in America.

Usually located adjacent to the toilet, the bidet provides a level of
cleanliness that just can't be achieved with mere wiping, douching, or
showering. The user adjusts the temperature and water pressure of the
bidet, and then sits or squats on the fixture. With the flip of a lever, a
jet of water surges reassuringly over the user's sensitive anatomical
features, providing a sensation of refreshment and rejuvenation.

Needless to say, this has always been an enticing concept for
women -- especially during that magical time of the month, or after a
particularly lively tumble among the sheets. Consequently, the bidet
caught on fast in Europe (over 97% of Italian bathrooms now have one). So
why don't we see more bidets here in the U.S.?

Perhaps it just hasn't gotten trendy yet. Like the Beatles, another
European import, the bidet may just need the proper exposure in America to
develop a huge fan base.

Or maybe it's because we think the bidet is just simply another Euro-kinky
concept, along the lines of men's bikini bottoms, nude beaches, and
obtrusive sex shops.

Then again, we just may not be willing to give up precious real estate in our
already-cramped bathrooms.

But I think the real reason why the bidet hasn't caught on in America is
this: American men have been too wary of accepting this traditionally
feminine fixture. So now I'd like to address the men of America:

It's time to stop thinking of the bidet as solely for women! When your
wife suggested installing a bidet, you probably said something to the
effect of "Screw that, I'll never use it. Now pass me a beer, I'm going
to watch football and read pornography." That's the wrong attitude.
Try it once, and you'll fall in love. (Plus, now you've got but
two porcelain thrones upon which to read automotive magazines.)

After a good bowel movement, we need to understand that there is nothing
wrong with the pleasure derived from a powerful jet of water gushing
directly into our tender, still-quivering rectums. Remember: cleanliness
is next to godliness.

Bidets these days are as tough as the jacked-up 4WD pick-ups in our
garages. With solid, uni-body construction, super-high pressure
capabilities, a bidet can be the 40 lb. workhorse of the bathroom. But
besides being tough, modern bidets are also refined and user-friendly.
With heated seats, ergonomic push-button controls, and simple installation
guides, there's never been a better time to own a bidet. Recommended brands:
USABidet, Hav-A-Seat, American Standard, and Mrs. Bidet.

Don't be put off by advertising that targets a demographic that you
don't happen to fall into. Bidet manufacturers have recently been aiming at
handicapped and elderly consumers, as well as those with hemorrhoids, STDs,
and excessive menstruation. Please remember that everyone -- no matter what
their age, sex, race, religion, or state of health -- can enjoy the benefits
of a bidet.

A creative person may find uses for his bidet other than ass-rinsing.
Crocodile Dundee, for example, washed his boots in one. Last week, my
neighbor re-enacted the bombing of Pearl Harbor in his bidet, with tiny
model ships. Just last night, I washed my dishes in the bidet.

So, men, when considering the bidet, please think of the pleasures,
comfort, hygiene, versatility, and spousal thank-you sex that it will bring into
your life.

In closing, one bit of advice: although a bidet may look just like a
toilet after 11 beers, be advised that the bidet is for cleaning purposes
only. One manufacturer warns that a bidet is "not [to be used] in any
event for defecation, as it is not designed to accept solid waste."


-- Colon Bowell

colon and the bidet





feces farms

Can you come up with a better name for the bidet?

Enter our Rename The Bidet Contest! The winner will receive an Official PoopReport Fake Poop, courtesy of our friends at Feces Farms!



293 Comments on "The Bidet: Not Just for Hairy European Women Anymore"

Hillbilly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I dont think i could ever use a bidet or even have one in my house. I had never even seen one until about a year a go when i was on a service call at these peoples house changing out the bathroom light.. they had one. i had a visual of the people using it. ever since then Ive been scarred for life. No bidets for me.

Melly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'd be down as long as the water isn't ice cold.

J Burroug's picture

I would love a bidet. Bye, Bye Toilet Paper!

Scott R.'s picture

I totally dig the bidet concept. If you are going to use one, I recommened you go high-tech. One time I was staying in this Japanese owned hotel in NYC and they had DIGITAL BIDETS. It was soooo fucking cool. All you have to do is press a button and BAM! a cool refreshing drink for your ass. It almost felt like the bathroom of the future, today.

Bryan S.'s picture

Trust me, the bidet is the most under-rated thing in the bathroom. (Exept for the fart-sucker maybe.) Anyway, you can kiss itchy TP goodbye, and say hello to crisp, refreshing, ass-broth.

Red's picture

How do you keep the juices from running down your legs? Does it just drip off your nads or something? Also do they have any that double as a water fountain?

Pablo's picture

Hey, you dumb s--t! Youre doing it backwards (Photo 5)
Where do you think the expression 'straddle' the pony came from!

Rick's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Bidets are gross! Why would anybody wan't poop water spray into your butt. That water is not clean because the metal spray jet-thing probably has dirty poop germs on it and its the gross, dirty poop water that will contaminate your butt all day long after you use it.

Rick's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

People like me can NEVER use one because of my mild OCD. The whole idea of useing one is disgusting to me.

Inga's picture

I stumbled upon your site. I wish I had a Bidet, because I wet my pants laughing so hard while checking out this site. Very funny!

Sasha's picture

I wish I had a bidet, but I don't think I'd want to share it with anyone else. I mean sheesh, that's gross. I just think they'd be too expensive too. And when people visit, what would they think? I saw that part of Crocodile Dundee, it was funny. He yelled outta the window, "now I see, it's for washing your ass with".

Bounty hunter's picture

Tell Rick, "the anonymous coward", that the bidet style toilet seats have a self-cleaning mechanism that sprays the poop of the little extending spray arm as it returns to battery position.(For the non-military types, that means its original position.)

Rob Z.'s picture

dear sirs---Thank you so much for your information on how to use a bidet, I am currently taking a course in plumbing tech., and the textbook used in class failed to discuss the proper useage, again many thanks!!!!!

Bung's picture

Believe me, ye of little faith, a bidet, or whatever name you would give to an anal cleansing pistol/device, is a fucking godsend. I lived in SE Asia for a bit, and once you get used to one of these things (mine was the handheld version, a stand-alone anal water pistol which hung on the wall next to the toilet), there's no going back. Westerners use toilet paper to smear shit all over their arses, and consider themselves "clean" when the paper comes back more-or-less unbrowned. Horseshit! Use one of these and a quick check using TP will tell you that bungblasting is the only way to truly clean your nether regions.

professor donald r brown's picture

last night my friends bliindfolded me and stuffed me in the bidet.
they thought that i crapped myself and needed a good warsh
though i was afraid initially, it was one of the most exciting
experiences of my life. my netherregion stlll tingles when i
think of it. thank you, bidet.

another OCD persona's picture

I don't know, the idea of using one of these things that someone else has used just grosses me out! So what if the spout is cleaned, the rest of the bowl has to have remnants. Also, I still can't figure out, do you face the wall or do you squat over the thing? I guess before I get one of these I'll stick to the Cottonell personal hygeine wipes when I'm away from home and a quick jump in the shower when I am home.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I met a friend who had one of those buttsinks in a fancy hotel. In the can, he called the front desk and asked for real TP. If any real guy needs the bidet treatment, he uses the shower.

the_brown_word's picture

look here, I think the idea of a mini ass shower is great, but still, as it states in the journal of ass production, water goes down the legs. Where is the demo photograph for how you dry your ass? I'd like to know, because I like to see and imagine these things in my head.

Vatfryer's picture

I think bidets are a good idea. Sex is much more fun when the person's brown starfish isn't smelly.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

That is true Vatfryer, but anybody can take a shower.

poolie's picture

:rolls eyes: Water does not go down your leg. You think the hundreds of millions of people who use the various different incarnations of thesethings would do so if that happened? A few pats with a bit of TP and
you're nice n' dry.

I have a gobidet myself
, so i don't know about the dedicated ones like Mr. Bowell has, but it's clean, hygienic, and sanitary. The bidet is going to have the same amount of germs as the toilet bowl.

Sure anyone can take a shower, but who has time to do so after every shit, eh?

I can understand bidets not being right for everyone, but with all due respect, those of you who are shooting it down because of how gross, unsanitary, disgusting, etc it is are working yourselves into an unnecessary and unfounded snit. Fear not the unknown, my friends.

bob's picture

they tickle

monkey man's picture

i am currently doing a school report on bidet vs toilet paper and i was wonder if anyone could think of any similarities between the two

suckycheesepickle's picture

monkey man: they're both used for removing shit.

And you can buy them in different colors.

bidet owner's picture

To the idiot who thinks having a shower is cleaner: so you like washing your poop onto the floor you stand on? Lovely, I hope I don't have to share a bathroom with you. The bidet is designed for this, the shower isn't.

Charlie Brown's picture

Baby wipes in lunch bags are great to carry around, but if you find one of these, do the dew. Its a treat!

corey's picture

I am installing one for a home reno and I'd really like to know which way you are supposed to stand! anyone?

Shat On's picture

Oh, CRAP....
After a long poop,I get thirsty. I've been drinking from that thing....wonderful.

Pincha Load's picture

I prefer brillo pads, nothing like a good steel wool to really clean the crack. Pat down with a little Gold Bond medicated and I'm ready for the day!

Julie's picture

Well, you have sold me on the bidet, for real. The pictures of every step really answered a lot of questions. Just reassure me one thing, will my panties get wet.....from the bidet? My questions: Do they all have the middle spray or do some come out of a faucet? Which is better? Do you wipe after using the bidet or do you slide back over to the toilet and then pat down with tp? I'm wondering if I will need to have 2 toilet paper rolls? I know you might think my questions are silly but I'm serious. I've never tried one and I'm afraid I won't like it after spending a ton of money. We just remodelled the bathroom so it will fit. Thanks!

Pilfo's picture

Check out http://www.bidet-loo.co.uk

Dr. Cheis's picture

I'm still unsure what happens to the water in one of these things...

So it sprays out and into your body hole... but then it goes right back into the bowl it came from? So what's to stop it from going back down onto the spray nozzle? Is it like a drinking fountain in that it is a curved sort of spray (not in that you drink from it)? I

Rob's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I first used one by accident in France in 1970-thought it was a toilet! The drain hole is small and won't allow a turd to go down-found out the hard way-they are nice for a quick cleaning' women love the douche effect-clean up before going home to the old man!They are strickly for peeing or rinsing' no solids-worth the money!

Jack Backward's picture

Great tutorial. Never mind that you're sitting on the bidet backwards. (You're supposed to face the "controls"). At least you're not washing your boots in it.

Jill's picture

How could you possibly think that sharing a bidet is gross? That's like saying using the sink someone else has used is gross. Not to mention you just got off the toilet someone else -crapped- in. No part of your body even needs to come in contact with the bidet. And the models I've seen in Europe have a horizontal spray that arches over the water and is caught in the bowl, so no worries of recycled rinsewater. When you think about it, toilet paper is pretty unsanitary. You wouldn't just wipe off your hands with a paper towel and call them clean.

Bidet Mater's picture

Bidets are cleaner then the shit on your ass so anyone worried about the WATER being dirty is a moron. Next if you want to try you can get a add on one to your toilet from these guys: http://www.juscuzz.com . I tend to wipe with TP then I wet some TP in the sink and give it a second round.

Greg's picture

I hate to be a stick-in-the-(brown)mud, but aren't these things a blatant waste of our precious water, all for the sake of a little anal comfort? And those of you who use TP and water? A little thinking about the consequences of our (bowel) actions never hurt. Try the 'humanure' book.

iheartmybidet's picture

bidets rock. there is really no mystery on how to use it:
1.its just a sink jsut for the lower half of your body: wet, soap up (yes with your hands) and rinse off.
2. then you ...get this...dry it with a towel.

efinitely better with a squeeky clean brown eye.

Ihuntmom's picture

I've never tried one but I want one. I think they'd be great. No more tracks in the drawers.

richduhbitch's picture

wet TP wipe? What do you do about the dingleberries? (you know,the little bits of wadded up TP that are now stuck to your ass hairs..) AND.. soaping up and drying off.. that's fine for at home.. but.. stay away from MY guest towels.. i think bidets are just an excuse for the french to not bathe the rest of their bodies..

nach's picture

I'm from Argentina,

Bidets are installed on 100% of the houses around here, and even though not everyone uses it, it's far more hygienic than just using toilet paper...

FAR MORE

Rich's picture

I make it a point to clean myself thoroughly after a crap. Modern cuisine being what it is, I get the shits about once a week. That brings me to repeated visits to the throne. After about the third time of cleaning myslef thoroughly I pray that I do not have to make a return engagement. And the fuzzy toliet paper forms the dreaded dingle berrys I try desperately to avoid. I think a bidet would be the ideal remedy to prevent the chaffing of one of my more delicate pieces of realestate.
I am in the trucking business. All of you have seen the picture of the 400 pound trucker with the Tee shirt that says "I Beat Bulimia". Well this fella needs to grow some longer arms so he can reach around his butt cheeks and clean himself after each dump. After a week in the truck and stopping only when the truck needs fuel this fella comes into the shop carrying an odor you will not soon forget. A bidet at the truckstop and a door that would not unlock till he uses it would greatly reduce unwanted odiferous eminations from some of our harder working members of our society.
Nothing like the smell of a 400 pound ass to convince you of the merits of a bidet.

Ms. Abel's picture

The bidet is the best thing since sliced bread. First saw one in England- had no clue what it was- and thought it was weird and a little intimidating. Then I tried it, and was an instant convert. Loved it so much, in fact, that we had one installed in our new master suite, and now my husband uses it, too. An interesting side note- I used to get the occasional bladder infection, but haven't had a single one since I started using the bidet.

bodhi's picture

That's why the bloody French lost the war - they didn't know how to wipe their arses when they were fighting in the trenches!

OCDer Too's picture

I was a child when I first used one and I used it backwards. However, I have been fascinated with them ever since. With OCD, it actually makes me feel better not worse. The water will rinse through the dirty stuff kind of like a shower. I clean my shower often, but usually I just rinse the shower after. I would do the same with a bidet. I used one of the shower spray types. Let me tell you! They are great! I think simple swabs/ cultures under the microscope would easily prove the merits of these washing machines! I would love one! Now to only convince my husband of their merits! I think those who have never used one would naturally be afraid- it requires some contact that normally wouldn't be made... but I vote YES!

Pablo's picture

Like nach, I'm from Argentina too, where everybody has a bidet at home. I spent two years in Germany without using one and it was a terrible experience... only with TP i feel my ass was dirty all the time. Another thing, here we use first some TP, and then we use the bidet... and always backwards like in photo 5 (you don't need to face the controls, they are easy to use)

Paolo's picture

The bidet...It really is an antiquated system. I recommend the toto neorest 600. Heated seats that automatically closes and opens,heated deodorized 3 stream massaging hygeine system(no more getting up and switching to the bidet) self cleaning, air drying, among other things...http://www.totoneorest.com/features.html
Went to japan for a business trip and fell in love with it! They have washlets in public restrooms too.

Paolo's picture

btw...I was a TP and shower person before, this thing was worth the buck, saved me hundreds in water/TP bills this past year.

Zara's picture

I don't like direct hand contact like they have in Asia (dirty hands) and I don't like dried shit in my ass like in the US (dirty ass)--bidet is an awesome thing that gives you clean hands ANd a clean ass!!!

Rose's picture

Hallo everybody ! Your conversation about bidet is very interesting to me ! I am from Italy and I have to say I find it hihgly higenic. After living in England for some years, I realised that the rate of female genitalia diseases due to less igenic conditions (like cystit ) is much higer that in Italy.
I think you have too many prejudices about it. It is just a mental condition. If you could have grown up with it, you would have just appreciate the advantages of having a bidet,...and clean it as much as you clean your shower, i.e. every time (I hope so) you use it.
Regards, Rose

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