The Bidet: Not Just for Hairy European Women Anymore
Every day, at about 2:30pm, I salute Thomas Crapper with a grunt, a
splash, a cursory wipe, and a flush. In contemporary America, this is how
we were all taught to poop.
Recently, however, I've felt the winds of change
blow through my bathroom. For once, this wind was not flatulence.
Instead, it came in the form of a cool, comforting geyser of water, hosing
down my overused undercarriage. That's right, I had taken the next step in
bathroom technology. As the French would say, I "straddled the pony."
Despite its mystique -- and its reputation for being a fixture primarily
for women -- the bidet (pronounced "bih-DAY") is nothing for the brawny
American man to fear.
Colon Bowell demonstrates proper bidet use.
It's fairly obvious what step one is.
Wipe like you would normally wipe.
Flush like you would normally flush.
Adjust water temperature and pressure. Remember, your nether-regions are sensitive...
Enjoy as a powerful stream of water cleans and purifies your delighted anus.
Many men were first introduced to the bidet when
stationed in France during World War I. After a lascivious romp with a
"mistress of the evening," U.S. soldiers observed these vivacious vixens
rinsing themselves off with this fascinating French invention. Perhaps
those desperate, horny men were the first to perceive the full potential of
the bidet in America.
Usually located adjacent to the toilet, the bidet provides a level of
cleanliness that just can't be achieved with mere wiping, douching, or
showering. The user adjusts the temperature and water pressure of the
bidet, and then sits or squats on the fixture. With the flip of a lever, a
jet of water surges reassuringly over the user's sensitive anatomical
features, providing a sensation of refreshment and rejuvenation.
Needless to say, this has always been an enticing concept for
women -- especially during that magical time of the month, or after a
particularly lively tumble among the sheets. Consequently, the bidet
caught on fast in Europe (over 97% of Italian bathrooms now have one). So
why don't we see more bidets here in the U.S.?
Perhaps it just hasn't gotten trendy yet. Like the Beatles, another
European import, the bidet may just need the proper exposure in America to
develop a huge fan base.
Or maybe it's because we think the bidet is just simply another Euro-kinky
concept, along the lines of men's bikini bottoms, nude beaches, and
obtrusive sex shops.
Then again, we just may not be willing to give up precious real estate in our
But I think the real reason why the bidet hasn't caught on in America is
this: American men have been too wary of accepting this traditionally
feminine fixture. So now I'd like to address the men of America:
It's time to stop thinking of the bidet as solely for women! When your
wife suggested installing a bidet, you probably said something to the
effect of "Screw that, I'll never use it. Now pass me a beer, I'm going
to watch football and read pornography." That's the wrong attitude.
Try it once, and you'll fall in love. (Plus, now you've got but
two porcelain thrones upon which to read automotive magazines.)
After a good bowel movement, we need to understand that there is nothing
wrong with the pleasure derived from a powerful jet of water gushing
directly into our tender, still-quivering rectums. Remember: cleanliness
is next to godliness.
Bidets these days are as tough as the jacked-up 4WD pick-ups in our
garages. With solid, uni-body construction, super-high pressure
capabilities, a bidet can be the 40 lb. workhorse of the bathroom. But
besides being tough, modern bidets are also refined and user-friendly.
With heated seats, ergonomic push-button controls, and simple installation
guides, there's never been a better time to own a bidet. Recommended brands:
USABidet, Hav-A-Seat, American Standard, and Mrs. Bidet.
Don't be put off by advertising that targets a demographic that you
don't happen to fall into. Bidet manufacturers have recently been aiming at
handicapped and elderly consumers, as well as those with hemorrhoids, STDs,
and excessive menstruation. Please remember that everyone -- no matter what
their age, sex, race, religion, or state of health -- can enjoy the benefits
of a bidet.
A creative person may find uses for his bidet other than ass-rinsing.
Crocodile Dundee, for example, washed his boots in one. Last week, my
neighbor re-enacted the bombing of Pearl Harbor in his bidet, with tiny
model ships. Just last night, I washed my dishes in the bidet.
So, men, when considering the bidet, please think of the pleasures,
comfort, hygiene, versatility, and spousal thank-you sex that it will bring into
In closing, one bit of advice: although a bidet may look just like a
toilet after 11 beers, be advised that the bidet is for cleaning purposes
only. One manufacturer warns that a bidet is "not [to be used] in any
event for defecation, as it is not designed to accept solid waste."
-- Colon Bowell
Can you come up with a better name for the bidet?