One of PoopReport's most important social causes is promoting bidet use among men. As Colon Bowell first explained, the bidet is not just for hairy European woman anymore. Red-blooded American men should not fear the bidet -- we should embrace it as a tool to enhance our enjoyment of the bathroom. Men love to shit. The bidet makes it possible for us to enjoy cleaning up as much as we enjoy getting dirty.

Following Colon Bowell's article, we held a contest to rename the bidet to something men would embrace, not fear. Ladies and gentlemen, that low-slung porcelain fountain in your Parisian hotel bathroom? That's a buttsink. What's unmanly about using a buttsink?

Nothing. And that's why I was so excited to receive an email from Eric Goldman, the self-described "King of the Ass Cannons."

The GoBidet, as seen on their site.

Eric sells GoBidet, a contraption that turns any toilet into a full-fledged buttsink. According to his email, the GoBidet takes about 20 minutes to install and, because it hooks on to your toilet, doesn't require new plumbing fixtures or take up any extra space in your bathroom.

Eric had seen Colon Bowell's bidet exposé, and agreed with it. American men should embrace the bidet. The GoBidet combines all the benefits of the traditional bidet in a manly, spidery-looking construct of stainless-steel and pipes. According to Eric, the GoBidet eliminated the need for toilet paper altogether.

I couldn't resist. They ain't cheap -- $150 bucks for the hot/cold unit, a little less for the cold only. Fortunately, since I'm a Very Influential Journalist, he cut me a deal on the price. I ordered the hot water unit -- I can't imagine a cold brown shower would be enjoyable.

Installation seemed pretty simple. The cold-water hose, which they supply, attaches to your toilet tank feed. (Don't worry; it gets the water BEFORE it reaches your toilet, so technically it's not toilet water spraying on your ass.) The hot-water hose, which you have to buy yourself, attaches to the hookups under your sink.

My bidet, post-installation. I'm just happy I didn't break anything installing it.

The two hoses feed into the back of the GoBidet unit, which attaches to your toilet via an arm that fits where the seat screw into to the toilet. A lever allows you to position the spigot under your puckered bunghole, and to push it off to the side when not in use.

I went down to the hardware store and asked the guy for the hot-water hose. When I told him I was installing a bidet, his eyebrows shot up and he looked suspiciously at me. Quickly, I told him it was for my girlfriend, and he relaxed. This man was a bidetophobe -- just the kind of insecure-about-his-manhood kind of dude who could benefit most from a bidet. If only he knew it as a buttsink. Perhaps he wouldn't feel so threatened.

I got my hose and went back to my bidet. For some reason, I was missing the coupling to attach the cold-water hose to the bidet unit. Perhaps I lost it, but I suspect they didn't send it to me. Either way, I had to go back to the hardware store. I came home, and of course I was missing the coupling to join the two hot-water hoses I purchased, so I went back to the store one more time.

With proper supplies and adequate knowledge, I probably could have installed it in 20 minutes like they predicted. But I had neither. As a result, it was many hours after I started, with the bathroom floor and my clothes both covered in water, when my bidet was finally ready.

With no fanfare, I crapped.

My first discovery was that the bidet is incredibly sensitive -- if you turn it on too far, the water will shoot out at a velocity sure to permanently embed in your ass the very shit specks you're trying to get rid of. So the key is to gently, gently, gently turn it on -- and do so while seated, or else you'll spray water all over the place. My girlfriend turned it on while standing, looking into the bowl, and ended up with a face-full of water.

Secondly, I learned that the interface is a little non-intuitive. You turn the knob counter-clockwise for cold water and push it towards the tank for hot --

These instructions will be going up in my bathroom.

but you can't turn on the cold without pushing in the hot direction. For the sake of curious houseguests, I think I'll have to post instructions in the bathroom.

After some fiddling, enduring some moments too hot and some too cold, I got it.

Bliss.

Bliss.

Oh, bliss.

A feeling unlike any other. A rhythmic throbbing, nearly erotic, cleansing and revitalizing at once. The exact opposite of my normal sandpaper-across-the-tender-rectum routine. Heaven, friends. Heaven.

It also made me have to pee.

The GoBidet literature claims their product eliminates the need to wipe. After shutting off the water, I let myself drip-dry for a moment, and then ran a fistful of TP across the test region. It came back soggy, but clean. No streaks. Nothing unsightly. The bidet cleaned my ass flawlessly. And not only was my ass cleaned, my ass was treated to an anal shiatsu massage.

However, there are a few drawbacks. First, the GoBidet unit resides in the toilet. When not in use, it's pushed off to the side. But in the afterglow of post-bidet euphoria, users may neglect to reset the unit, and careless crappers may inattentively crap on it. So diligence is necessary when using your bidet.

That, my friends, is Heaven, caught gloopily by my cheap camera.

Secondly, since the unit resides in the toilet, it may be subject to urine splashback. There's not much one can do about this --- it's one of the hazards of living below the bowl. Now, urine splashback will not directly affect your bidet experience, because the fresh water from the spigot is urine-free. However, you probably won't want to touch the spigot with your bare hands. And constant urine fleckage may encourage metal corrosion.

My original plan was to keep the GoBidet around for a few trial weeks, and then decide how I felt about it. But after only a few days, I know how I feel. I will be keeping my buttsink.

As editor of PoopReport, it is my sworn mission to promote bidet use among American men. The GoBidet puts us a step closer to that goal. With luck, hard work and some good PR, the day will come when all men have the means and the confidence to enjoy a good assbath.

-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

Addendum: Read my friends' reviews of my new buttsink.

BREAKING NEWS I just got this email from The King of the Ass Cannons himself: FROM: "Argenta" <bidetco@bellsouth.net> TO: <dave@poopreport.com> RE: Re: bidet Dave, Great review, thank you! I spoke with the owner of WorldBidet.com - he is willing to give all customers referred from Poop Report the Cold Unit for $89.00 and the H/C Unit for $99.00. All orders must be called in by phone for this special price. 1-888-305-2433 Keep up the good work. Eric