Dear Dave,

I would like to send you a product for review and inclusion in your "Consumer Reports" section. Please see bottom of this page for details.

Here is the story of how it came about, in case you are interested.

Back in 1996, I was diagnosed with Colorectal Cancer. Following the removal of half my rectum and a good chunk of colon, I was soon faced with

The Phess, in its attractive carrying case.

the realization that I would be going to the loo often -- Guinness record often, as much as ten to fifteen times a day. Something else I realized quickly was that toilet paper wasn't cutting it! So, over the following years, I involuntarily became an ASS CLEANING EXPERT or CONNOISSEUR, if you like.

The following is the painful procedure I used to go through:

1. Need to go now! Find a toilet and sit on it quickly.
2. Volcano-type eruptive gas; not much is actually downloading!
3. Time for that dreaded wipe. First pass: lots of shit on the paper. Sure enough, none in the toilet though -- dammed ass of mine.
4. Second wipe: still just as much shit on the paper.
5. Third wipe: where the hell is it coming from? Still more. Ouch! Why do I have hair on my ass? F%&#!
6. Fourth wipe: OK, this is ridiculous.
7. Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth wipe: I think I'm finally getting to the bottom of this mess.
8. One complete roll later: it's time for the final clean, using a wet wipe or baby facecloth. (Yeah, the pink or teddy bear ones for babies' tender bottoms. What choice do I have -- regular facecloths are like corrugated cardboard!) A small amount of liquid soap is required to permit the smooth flow of the butt cloth over my anus and surrounding area -- without soap, the pain is unbearable.
9. Finally I'm done... oh, shit! I feel the urge to poop again. F%&#!

While in Ankara, Turkey, about five years ago, I discovered that bathrooms in that part of the world consist of a hole in the floor and a strange hose clipped to the wall -- no sign of toilet paper anywhere. I couldn't bear the thought of using a hose to clean my ass. And besides, who knows who it had been used by? And what if I completely soaked myself? There was just no way I was going to try that contraption.

I returned home from that trip with my butt on fire, as always. But this time, visions of water hoses danced in my head. Maybe cleansing my ass with water was the solution after all! I surfed the Internet for days, looking at options. Eventually I settled on an expensive Toto Jasmin washlet for my home. I ordered it, installed it, and loved it.

But I could not take it with me to the office, or on overseas projects. Within weeks I ordered a handheld unit from Toto. Unfortunately, I found that the reservoir was too small, the batteries didn't seem to supply enough power to generate adequate pressure, and while I would sometimes scald myself, in other instances the water would be uncomfortably cold. It turned out to be a great tool for airports or shopping malls nonetheless, but I needed something more useful -- especially for instances where I would be staying two or three weeks in a hotel room.

Six months ago, I enlisted the help of my wife and a friend to come up with a new bidet concept. Using off-the-shelf components and some knowledge of electronics, we built a portable bidet. Our goal: one that didn't require any plumbing, could supply warm water, could create adequate pressure, would last a while between refills, and could be used outdoors -- while camping or hunting, for instance.

To my surprise, I found our invention to be superior in many ASSpects to the standard buttsink -- including my $600 Toto Washlet! I have used it for a few months now, and one of the great things about it is that the wand never gets dirty -- no cleaning is required. You don't shit or piss on it; there are no worries of urine or fecal splashback. The water temperature is automatically controlled -- no need to fiddle with dials, just plug and play.

I've called my invention "Phess," from the French word fesse, meaning buttocks. It's great for bidetophobes as a code word for "portable bidet." I propose sending you a new Phess portable bidet for FREE! You get to keep it. All I ask is that within a month or two following reception, you do the following:

1. Try it.
2. Write a review about it.
3. Include it in the Consumer Reports section of the PoopReport.

Sincerely,

Chris Plouffe
PHESS - Portable Bidet
http://www.phess.ca

Editor's note: I don't turn down free stuff. Here's my review.

I love bidets. I love the feeling of water spraying on my butt -- so much more cleansing than toilet paper, and so much more enjoyable. American men have problems with bidets, probably because the French pronunciation makes it sound too much like "ballet." (A few years ago, as Mr. Plouffe alluded to, PoopReport renamed it "the buttsink" -- a tough, manly name to help spread the gospel of warm water on a

"Portable."

fiery butt.) I've tried both Euro-style porcelain bidets and DIY models, but the Phess is my first portable model.

"Portable" is in the eye of the beholder. "Portable" is a relative term -- relative to exactly how much pain and suffering one's ass routinely causes. For an amateur bidet aficionado like me, a 1.5-gallon rigid plastic tank isn't exactly worth the room it takes up in my suitcase. But for a cancer survivor stricken with burning shits ten times a day, Phess is a dream come true -- bulky, yes, but designed specifically for power users.

Phess features a spray head similar to GoBidet, but with one major superiority: it's out of the bowl until it's time to clean. The GoBidet spray head swivels out of the way, but as many PoopReporters pointed out, it's still IN the bowl, susceptible to splashback contamination. As a wand sprayer, Phess comes into the picture only when you're ready for it.

Phess cleans great. It's hand-pumped, but it maintained its pressure during two-minute sprays. Since it's a wand, you can maneuver it in three dimensions -- closer, farther, left, right, whatever angle and pressure your stubborn

Instructions so simple, it's like the IRS wrote them.

cling-on calls for -- unlike GoBidet, which can only move along its two-dimensional swivel axis.

Last Tuesday, my fiancé and I had a party to shout at the Vice Presidential debate. I set up my Phess a few hours prior to my guests' arrival, figuring that people would enjoy the opportunity to clean off the shit after watching it slung so professionally by the two candidates. However, not a single person would use it -- Phess is, unfortunately, a very intimidating system. And the two-page instruction sheet I taped to the wall didn't help. Using the Phess is a simple, comfortable process, but the big black knobs and the dense instructions scare away even the close friends of the guy who runs PoopReport. My advice to the inventor: hire a copywriter (ahem!) to make things more user friendly.

The lesson from Mr. Plouffe's story (and I can't believe your doctors didn't tell you this from the get-go) is that if you're constantly scrubbing your ass -- whether from physical ailments or because you eat too much Taco Bell -- a buttsink is your best friend. And

With its variable-pressure trigger, it cleans those hard-to-reach anal crevices.

if it's to the point that you can't live without it, Phess is a good solution. Yes, it's bulky and unwieldy, but it holds the volume of water that power users like Mr. Plouffe require.

I see this as Phess 1.0 -- functionally adequate, but ergonomically deficient. Phess 2.0 will be made of either collapsible plastic or a Camelbak-style material so it's easier to carry around. Phess 2.0 will have a more approachable interface and friendlier collateral material. And Phess 2.0 will cost a hell of a lot less than $200 -- although, if you're suffering as much as Mr. Plouffe described, you're probably spend that much on toilet paper in a month anyway.

-- Dave