Tushy Clean: Bidet For The Everyman

Bidets are something that typical middle-class, butt-wiping, beer-swilling Americans like myself and my friends associate with snooty rich people and French girlymen. If your average Joe met someone with a bidet, he would automatically group the bidet owner with one of the aforementioned group. So that's what was in my mind when it became my task to try out Tushy Clean, a portable bidet that attaches to the standard toilet. I'm here to record for posterity how the average, middle-class working family reacts to such an upscale appliance.

When Dave first requested that I install a bidet in my house, I figured that my manly, steak-eatin', muscle-car drivin' husband would spout out the stereotypes and refuse to cleanse his butt with it. Surprisingly,

however, he agree, "as long as it doesn't tickle my balls." Dave assured me that it would not titillate his scrotal region if he aimed it correctly, so Mr. Blaster gave the green light and about a week later a small and discreet package arrived at our front door. I was pleased about this -- we live in a double house and, although we know most everything our downstairs neighbor does (especially with regards to her rather loud sexual exploits), I just really didn't want her knowing that we were going to be spraying our asses like a couple of sissies. I mean, it's one thing to try it out, but it's another thing to have people know it. I'm a shameful bidet-user, I suppose.

Mr. Blaster immediately asserted his manliness installing the Tushy Clean. After some tricky maneuvering in our tiny bathroom, it was on and ready to go. Naturally we had to play with it right away, so we took turns spraying our asses with streams of cold water. It was kind of like getting into a cold pool for the first swim of the season -- there's no walking slow or you'll just stand there whining and freezing. You just have to jump right in.

Mr. Blaster thought it tickled his ass, and he giggled like a girl. I kind of envisioned it as a power washer, scrubbing even the most difficult butt mud out of my anal region.

The real treat, of course, came when we actually got to test it after a shit. Mr. Blaster got to drop the first log. His first wipe showed a little bit of watery brown residue; but the second wipe was necessary only to dry his ass. (No, I don't normally watch my husband wipe and look at his results. This was in the name of PoopReporting, people!)

My experience was similar. It was nice not to have to wipe a million times until my ass bled in order to feel clean. The experience was a luxury to my bourgeois derri�re -- but not a luxury that had to be unattainable. An attachment such as Tushy Clean is relatively inexpensive. And since it's brought into position by a lever on the side of the toilet, it's optional -- your cranky old grandpa who grumbles that people didn't get to wash their asses when they were shootin' the damn Krauts in the trenches of World War II doesn't have to use it.

After a few weeks of using the Tushy Clean -- or "the butt washer," as we've come to call it around here -- both of us are becoming accustomed to using

The setup in our bathroom. Discreet, huh?

it. Mr. Blaster took to it like, well, a duck to water. His pronouncement: "It makes my ass not smell." I'm also in favor of his ass not being smelly.

With both of our bungholes now skid-free, I'm pretty keen on the butt washer. It did take me a bit longer than Mr. Blaster to begin using it regularly, though. I'm not one to typically break out of old habits; and I was also very discouraged by those times when I shot water all over my legs (and even more discouraged by the time when I shot a high-pressure stream of water up my ass and spent the next five minutes shitting it back out-- homemade enema, anyone?) But I'm now to the point where I look forward to my daily shit even more specifically because I get to wash my ass with the butt washer. It's soothing, and I hardly use any toilet paper anymore.

No more shameful bidet using for me. I was concerned about what company would say, but my initial reservations are gone now that I realize what an ass-et a butt washer can be. Now I can't wait for friends or family to shit at my house so I can tell them to use it. Well, unless it's Mr. Blaster's dad, because DAMN that man knows how to foul up a house.

Tushy Clean is the perfect tool for someone who doesn't want to be some kind of sissy but still likes a well-manicured ass. It's discreet, unlike a traditional bidet, which is a whole second fixture in the bathroom -- and I never liked that idea because then you had to move over from the toilet to the bidet with your ass all smeared with shit. I don't exactly see the sense in that. Tushy Clean's biggest advantage is that it is practical and efficient -- it cleans asses better than toilet paper, but doesn't take up any extra space. To hell with stereotypes. I like spraying my ass.