Tushy Clean: Bidet For The Everyman

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Bidets are something that typical middle-class, butt-wiping, beer-swilling Americans like myself and my friends associate with snooty rich people and French girlymen. If your average Joe met someone with a bidet, he would automatically group the bidet owner with one of the aforementioned group. So that's what was in my mind when it became my task to try out Tushy Clean, a portable bidet that attaches to the standard toilet. I'm here to record for posterity how the average, middle-class working family reacts to such an upscale appliance.

When Dave first requested that I install a bidet in my house, I figured that my manly, steak-eatin', muscle-car drivin' husband would spout out the stereotypes and refuse to cleanse his butt with it. Surprisingly,











however, he agree, "as long as it doesn't tickle my balls." Dave assured me that it would not titillate his scrotal region if he aimed it correctly, so Mr. Blaster gave the green light and about a week later a small and discreet package arrived at our front door. I was pleased about this -- we live in a double house and, although we know most everything our downstairs neighbor does (especially with regards to her rather loud sexual exploits), I just really didn't want her knowing that we were going to be spraying our asses like a couple of sissies. I mean, it's one thing to try it out, but it's another thing to have people know it. I'm a shameful bidet-user, I suppose.

Mr. Blaster immediately asserted his manliness installing the Tushy Clean. After some tricky maneuvering in our tiny bathroom, it was on and ready to go. Naturally we had to play with it right away, so we took turns spraying our asses with streams of cold water. It was kind of like getting into a cold pool for the first swim of the season -- there's no walking slow or you'll just stand there whining and freezing. You just have to jump right in.

Mr. Blaster thought it tickled his ass, and he giggled like a girl. I kind of envisioned it as a power washer, scrubbing even the most difficult butt mud out of my anal region.

The real treat, of course, came when we actually got to test it after a shit. Mr. Blaster got to drop the first log. His first wipe showed a little bit of watery brown residue; but the second wipe was necessary only to dry his ass. (No, I don't normally watch my husband wipe and look at his results. This was in the name of PoopReporting, people!)

My experience was similar. It was nice not to have to wipe a million times until my ass bled in order to feel clean. The experience was a luxury to my bourgeois derriļæ½re -- but not a luxury that had to be unattainable. An attachment such as Tushy Clean is relatively inexpensive. And since it's brought into position by a lever on the side of the toilet, it's optional -- your cranky old grandpa who grumbles that people didn't get to wash their asses when they were shootin' the damn Krauts in the trenches of World War II doesn't have to use it.

After a few weeks of using the Tushy Clean -- or "the butt washer," as we've come to call it around here -- both of us are becoming accustomed to using













The setup in our bathroom. Discreet, huh?



it. Mr. Blaster took to it like, well, a duck to water. His pronouncement: "It makes my ass not smell." I'm also in favor of his ass not being smelly.

With both of our bungholes now skid-free, I'm pretty keen on the butt washer. It did take me a bit longer than Mr. Blaster to begin using it regularly, though. I'm not one to typically break out of old habits; and I was also very discouraged by those times when I shot water all over my legs (and even more discouraged by the time when I shot a high-pressure stream of water up my ass and spent the next five minutes shitting it back out-- homemade enema, anyone?) But I'm now to the point where I look forward to my daily shit even more specifically because I get to wash my ass with the butt washer. It's soothing, and I hardly use any toilet paper anymore.

No more shameful bidet using for me. I was concerned about what company would say, but my initial reservations are gone now that I realize what an ass-et a butt washer can be. Now I can't wait for friends or family to shit at my house so I can tell them to use it. Well, unless it's Mr. Blaster's dad, because DAMN that man knows how to foul up a house.

Tushy Clean is the perfect tool for someone who doesn't want to be some kind of sissy but still likes a well-manicured ass. It's discreet, unlike a traditional bidet, which is a whole second fixture in the bathroom -- and I never liked that idea because then you had to move over from the toilet to the bidet with your ass all smeared with shit. I don't exactly see the sense in that. Tushy Clean's biggest advantage is that it is practical and efficient -- it cleans asses better than toilet paper, but doesn't take up any extra space. To hell with stereotypes. I like spraying my ass.

41 Comments on "Tushy Clean: Bidet For The Everyman"

WhoFloatedTheAirBiscuit?'s picture
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Thanks AssBlaster, for a truthful and profound exposition on the Tushy Clean. I've often wondered what a bidet's introduction into our paper-trained lives might mean... Sounds like something worth trying!

Logjam's picture
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Excellent report, AB2000. Sounds like your life has been forever changed. Butt is it really the case that this thing will spray only cold water? You get used to that? Also, has Mr. Blaster changed his mind about not wanting his balls tickled?

Logjam

the frequent farter's picture
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I have always wanted one of those things.

PooperGal's picture
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Great revue, AssBlaster2000. To the point, objective and fun to read. I'm still not sold on the idea of shooting streams of water on my ass (the water-up-the-ass "enema" you got kind of makes me hesitate), but if I ever am, I'll certainly give Tushy Clean a shot...er...try.

slopjockey's picture
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My question is how does one "wash" one`s bunghole? I mean do you start by using bare unpapered fingers, since you would want to remove the large "possibles and probables", then move on to t.p., that when soaking wet, will leave those paper dingleberries, then followed by more paper wiping,damp paper dingleberries, and possible chafing. All this could lead to a desperate scoot across the bath mat like a dog with an itchy asshole. I dunno, it seen like a lot of extra work, especially since most civilized people bathe once or possibly more a day, and certainly befor engaging in any intimate sport.

MegaDump's picture
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http://artpad.art.com/?ilf8otzps70
(Click skip to end - I made a lot of mistakes)
Hope no-one finds this offensive :P

It doesn't snow down here, so I've never been quite clear on this. Can anyone tell me, what happens to pipe water during a snowy winter? I'm sure the underground is warmer than above, but does the toilet water in the pipes ever get frozen? Wouldn't that be like spraying shards of glass into your butt?

MegaDump's picture
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It just occurred to me that I didn't bother to check my spelling or the orientation of that shirt... oh, well.

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Maybe I should have explained the buttwashing process in more detail. Yes, it is cold water; there is no warm option. You get used to it though, and as it does snow up here in the winter I will definitely know what happens if my pipes freeze. However, I do not think this will be the case, and I hope not as we just bought our first house and I've never had to deal with frozen pipes before. As far as the wet-ass syndrome, it is really not that bad unless you have bad aim like me; it is a concentrated stream that mostly only shoots the anus. Blotting gently with TP afterwards takes care of it, and sometimes there is a cold, clammy feeling if I squirt my ass too much, but overall it's not bad.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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Excellent review, AB2K!
Almost makes me want one but I have my trusty detachable shower head that is a sort of bidet in itself. Warm water AND I can aim it properly.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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one of these days i'm gonna get me one of those bidets. they seem cool!

MegaDump, i've experience frozen pipes in the past, and, if i remember correctly, no water comes out at all. i was young when this happened, though, so i don't know how the problem was fixed.

i love poop.

PooperGal's picture
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MegaDump,

If the water pipes are too close to the exterior of the house, then they can freeze. Well designed plumbing systems always keep the pipes placed in the interior of the building.

Like many old New England homes, my house's plumbing is in the middle of the cellar/basement and doesn't go near the foundation or outside walls. The 80 year old, fieldstone foundation is dug really deep in the ground below frostline, and the water and sewerpipes come up from under that, so freezing is never a problem.

AssBlaster, do regular bidets have a temp control, or do they use just cold water too? Since Tushy Clean attaches to the toilet fill pipe, you don't have the option of warm water, but I think standard bidets hook up to hot and cold like a sink. ?

I still don't find the thought of a blast of cold water on my butt hole to be that appealing, but it really does seem like a convenient alternative to using toilet paper wet under the faucet to clean my ass.

C Everett Poop's picture
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Good review. I want one but I want warm water.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Well, I guess it beats dragging my ass on the carpet!!! Great report AB2K!!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Di, I wonder how many women have names for their showerheads.

I have thought about one of these for awhile now. I have a husband with an olfactorily-challenged ass. This could turn the corner.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Log Flume's picture
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I'm sure that someone with plumbing skills can easily rig it up to a faucet so you can have warm water. Remember to tie it into both hot and cold pipes so you don't scorch your dirtbutton.

Tydirium's picture
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I seem to remember the gobidet had warm water:

http://poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/ Bidet/gobidet1.html

The Big Wiper's picture
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Excellent Consumer Poop Reporting, AB2K! I've been profoundly influenced by the information this site has imparted on the subject of the bidet. So much so that I am having one installed in my dream bathroom in the new house I am building. I am expecting the same sort of results as the Blasters reported!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Man on the Golden Hopper's picture
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Shitstorm my good man, that should be>
Daphne you silly bitch, trix are for kids.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Stop quoting rabbits. I hug them.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

daphne's picture
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Wait, that should be>
Stop quoting rabbit haters. I hug bunnies.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Grape toejam's picture
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heheh!
Daphne outclasses all of you social mutants.

TurtleHead's picture
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It is possible to add a warm bit of water to your tank, to keep it from sweating, by adding a small valve and a line to the hotwater line in your bathroom. It's probably possible to get warm water out of this little bidet with a minimal amount of plumbing experience. Just a thought. Warm water really does sound better.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I like it, but I am afraid. Is it possible that I have a bidet disorder? This review is really good, but is anybody else still creeped out by the idea of owning and using a bidet?

SirCrapAlot's picture
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Nice Review......another thing is try checking out some european importers.......here in the czech republic I came across a futuristic version of the typical cold water bidet....I dunno what it is called, or the brand, but I just call it the "robo crappper" its a seat replacement, so the features are.........heated padded seat, for comfy crapping, oscilating spray bar (with interchangeable nozzles, nothing like getting a #0 pressure washer spray nozzle to clean your bunghole) hot air dryer, now this, as well as the water temperature is remote controlled on the side of the seat with a digital control panel (now thats comfort) and get this......REMOTE CONTROL SEAT LIFT, AND COVER LIFT....press the button, the cover comes up, press another button, the seat comes up, press the opposite buttons, and the seat and cover lower again.....FRIGGIN AMAZING :)of course, you can always manually overide the auto controls, for the quick emergeny fart-n-go's, or the unholdable piss :) Cheers peeps :)

AssBlaster2000's picture
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I saw one like that online. It is called the BB-500 by Bio Bidet. Crazy. It seems like the lind of bidet a bad sci-fi movie about artificial intelligence taking over would be made. I imagine the bidet could also be Towelie's partner on South Park. "Don't forget to wash your ass"

http://www.cleanrite.com/html/bb-500.htm

Anonymous Shitter's picture
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I'm going to get one. Sounds like fun! Besides, the hubs uses tons of TP. It will save us money in the long run.

mott the poople's picture
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Just a thought...can it help break up a "turtle head"?. I would have liked one during a painful expereince in my life(story coming).
I'm a manly, steak-eatin', muscle-car drivin', whiskey-drinkin, midnight man" (ok..I added a few things for effect). I dont mind my balls being tickled...I was actualy looking forward to hairy palms...all joking aside, Mr Blaster actually liked it? The thought of cold water on my calamari ring is shuddering. I dont have an odor problem (yet) but if it works...Im considering it as my next buy. BTW...MY Grandfather is JUST like Mr. Blasters...I just might not tell him if I buy it....:O..(!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points
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While I have never used a portable bidet, I am aproud owner (okay, renter) of a home with a Washlet installed. The washlet keeps you squeaky clean and doubles as a built in enema. Crank up the water pressure knob and let it flush you out. Highly recommended (but beware the super messy blasts, those take extra cleaning if you don't wipe em up right away)
Happy trails,
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Rckswmn's picture
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"I'm also in favor of his ass not being smelly." ---- i'm still laughing!

Rckswmn

Anonymous Coward's picture
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My doc put me on a pill called Welchol, which my gastro told me is like plastic beads with a coating to attract bile salts and carry them out of the system. Well, whatever the docs think it is, what it does is produce a poop much like creamy peanut butter with kitty litter in it. It don't wipe off! It don't cut off, and its got embedded grit.

This product sounds like a winner! I hate smearing greasy grit around my ass.

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Sounds like a cool invention compared to a full sized bidet. Would other house mates be offended though if you installed one. Would that be like saying "Hey, wash yer stinky butt". ...or, the poor many Tushy-Clean

Couldn't you just hook a garden hose with the multi-spray nozzels up to your bathroom sink. When done dropping load, turn on the warm water, select the hydro soaker or fan spray setting and blast away. For the really sticky poo's this may work well......or it could just be another shitty idea of mine.... oh well!

AB2000, does this spray hard enough to give you an enema, or is it adjustable? PoopShooter

Poop Shooter!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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It is adjustable. The more you lower the lever on the side of the toilet, the more it squirts out. It goes from barely a trickle to full-force enema action.

I do have to report though, that the butt washer is not as fun in the winter. My bathroom is always freezing (I have no clue why; the window is locked and the storm window is in, and the heater works) and so too is the water that comes out of the butt washer. It's a bit like rubbing a Popsicle all over your ass. I'm getting used to it though; it's actually rather invigorating. It wakes me up in the morning and gets me ready for work.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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AB2K: Is what we have above a photo of the Blaster Bathroom? If so, that is as exciting as a visit to the Throne of St. Peter (or better yet, of St. Dave)!

I'll bet some of your best "work" is done right there, isn't it?

TBW: How's your dream bathroom coming? Would you give us a report on using a "real" bidet, and how it works for a man (since Mr. Blaster is so reticent)?

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Dumpster: That is a photo of the former Blaster bathroom. We have moved since then. Maybe I'll snap a shot of my current awful 70's bathroom for ya.

And Mr. Blaster isn't reticent anymore. He likes it as much as I do.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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I think if I was to get a bidet it would be this one instead of the USABidet model because this looks considerably less obtrusive than the other model plus it is almost half the price.

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points
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Household bidets are one thing (love them). I still won't use a public one (not that I care if anyone sees me), it's just the thought of strangers' butt cheese on the nozzle that deters me.

Better still? (Namby Pambys might want to close their eyes), nestling your buttcheeks against a clean warm bubbling jacuzzi eye then turning around for yet more fun.

ahhhhh giggety giggety.....


_______
"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

slee1005's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I used electric bidet and it works great.
I puchase on ebay and seller also has website at http://okbidet.com. They seem to a dealer for biodidet.com dealer. It was grate Hands free experience!!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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Great report AB2K!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Starfish Junkie's picture
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I agree that the bathroom mats do come in handy, as well as a shower or two a day, so, for that matter, I'm not convinced. However, I am interested in the tickling my balls part! That really intrigues me! Of course, I can see that being dingleberry free on a hot day would be very nice!

CMurphy's picture
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Hmm. I'll just keep on using my nice warm wet washcloths at home after the deed is done; got hemorrhoids, don't you know. No cold water for me that would probably end up all down my legs or on the floor, thanks.

whirlpool parts's picture
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To be honest, having a bidet is, in my country a rarity and I am ashamed of that of course.. It's really ugly when I walk a person to the bathroom and he asks me 'what's that?' and I explain to the person what's the use of the bidet..