The Brown Line Of Silence
I've heard them all. As of this writing, there are 327 pages that constitute
PoopReport. Give or take 20 or 30 index pages, that leaves about 300 pieces of content
that I've collected over the last year and a half.
Yup, I've heard them all. Twits who crap themselves, poor souls who can't crap,
ne'er-do-wells who play tricks with their crap, and on and on. Yet, among those 300
stories -- as well as among the hundreds of submissions of semi-literate drivel I've
rejected -- there is a subject that, incredibly, has never been broached: girls going to
the bathroom together.
It's standard female behavior: when a girl has to go to the bathroom in a social
setting, she asks the other girl to come along. It's not a stereotype, it's
universally recognized behavior.
Things aren't what they seem... or are they?
Yet, in spite of its pervasiveness, I don't have any stories about this subject.
That's a staggering fact, when you consider the amount of wackiness that occurs during
solitary poops; one can only assume that when multiple people visit the can, the
wackiness potential multiplies accordingly.
So where are the stories?
Girls will tell us there's nothing to tell. I don't believe it. While not every
girl-girl bathroom trip may yield a story, odds are that funny things happen must
happen occasionally -- same as with solitary bathroom trips. And yet, we have loads of
solitary bathroom stories, but none from females' joint john jaunts.
I came up with three hypotheses to explain this astonishing disparity:
- NOTHING FUNNY HAS EVER HAPPENED DURING A GIRL-GIRL BATHROOM TRIP. Impossible. The
odds are completely against it.
Impossible. Enough people read PoopReport to make that theory statistically
Gentleman, I propose the existence of a conspiracy: The Brown Line of Silence.
I believe it is against The Girl Code to discuss with any male what happens during a
girl-girl bathroom trip. Girls are sworn to secrecy -- they won't tell their boyfriends,
their husbands, their fathers, and they certainly won't tell PoopReport. Even if the
most hilarious thing ever in the whole world happened, we'll never know. Girls have
sworn to take their stories to the grave.
Case in point: while researching this article, I asked Sue (a girl) to explain girls
going to the bathroom together:
"Well first off, I have to admit that I hardly do this at all anymore. Of course girls
go to the bathroom together to gossip, but we also do it so we can primp together. What
good is primping if there's no one else to complement you--or to complain to? The truth
of the matter is, gossiping aside, most of what women do when they are standing
together in front of a mirror is put themselves down. 'Ugh, I am exhausted. I hate
these bags under my eyes.' 'Ugh, my skin's breaking out--it must be this humidity.'
'Ugh, I really have to start going to the gym.' Then the other women tell you that
you're crazy, you look great. I guess one reason I stopped going to the bathroom with
other women is because doing so was bad for the head."
Yeah right, Sue. You're one of them. Of course you'll say that it's nothing
interesting. You know that if you say it's about "gossip," men will get bored and stop
listening and stare at your chest until you're done talking. But not me. I see
through you, female.
But what is the purpose of this conspiracy? Why hide what happens in the bathroom?
After all, every human poops and pees and farts and vomits... why hide a fact a life?
I propose that girls across the nation and the world have sworn to uphold The Brown
Line Of Silence as a way to maintain the "Feminine Mystique." The knowledge of what
happens during these girl-girl bathroom trips would allow men to fully understand -- and
therefore control -- women. For the sake of the female being as we know it, they must
keep their tandem tours of doodie secret.
(Be careful, fellas! Now that they know we know, I predict we'll see lots of girls
"proving" I'm wrong by submitting stories about their girl-girl bathroom experiences.
Don't believe them. They're LIES -- trying to throw us off their trail. Remain
vigilant! Don't be fooled!)
But what is the truth? What DOES happen during these mysterious excursions? I choose
to believe those chicks are making out.
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