Ultimate Cleanse: Blowin' Your Colon
I was inspired by
Doniker's wife's cooking
and decided that yes indeed, you do feel about 100
pounds lighter when you've pinched a couple of good loaves, so... since the
recipe seemed unappetizing (fried bulgur?) I took a trip down to the local
health food joint and ventured down the FIBER aisle in search of a colonic
First off, this is not an easy feat. You'd be surprised at how many
products there are that promise to clean your whistle. And they come in
all forms: powdered, capsules, with husk, without husk, herbally
supplemented, or just straight up psyllium.
The Ultimate Cleanse is designed to "facilitate the removal of toxins from the digestive and eliminative systems."
After giving myself a headache
from reading all of the various bottles and boxes, I decided to go for one
called "Ultimate Cleanse,"
since it was in pill form and was in a pretty
box marked "America's #1 Internal Cleanser." They made it sound like your
mom would keep it in the medicine cabinet.
So I went to the counter and paid for my box of fibery goodness along, with a
big bottle of (organic) prune juice. The clerk gave me a weird look, but
who cares! I was on my way to fecal freedom and nothing was going to stop
I read the directions and took one pill of the Fiber Blend and one pill of
the Herb Blend. They both look like innocuous, little, tan colored
pills... and it said to "start with one pill each in the morning, then
increase the amount of pills until you achieve two to three bowel movements
per day." Now, I know my bowels... and I got to thinking that these two little
pills weren't going to do much but give me the farts. So I washed two more
down with a glass of prune juice. Then I sat back in my chair at work and
continued with my work.
Two hours later, I felt the urge. I was on the phone with the boss. It
went from a gentle anal tugging to a full blown racing match to the loo to
see if I could outrun the explosive mass about to come flying out of my poor
puckered asshole. I hung up the phone and was halfway down the hall when I
was already unzipping. I pulled up my skirt as fast as I could and pulled
off my undies just in time. Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber when
Jeff Bridges is holding on for dear life while he experiences the worst
explosive diarrhea imaginable? That was me. No need to elaborate. I swear
to you, I thought I had shit out part of my lower intestine.
Thank God the toilets at work flush as well as they do because luckily there
was no evidence (besides a lovely smell) left after I finished and I
returned to the office to get some more work done. About an hour later, I
got the urge again -- not as severely this time -- and found myself walking
very quickly to the restrooms again. And again, after lunch.
I am slightly bummed that I didn't get to brag about the impressive inches I
shat like Doniker did, since my mess was all liquidy and resembled giant
bowls of Chocolate Malt-O-Meal.
By 5pm, I was so clean, you could have eaten dinner out of my colon. I went
home, feeling better than I have in the last two months since the Wicked Wet
Burrito incident. I saved the coupon in the box of Ultimate Cleanse.
I got home and hopped on the scale. I was 3 1/2 pounds lighter than I was
this morning. And my stomach was flat as a board.
Next time someone says you're full of shit, don't be too quick to disagree.
You probably are. But don't worry, Ultimate Cleanse can take care of it.