Ultimate Cleanse: Blowin' Your Colon

// // 207 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was inspired by
Doniker's wife's cooking
and decided that yes indeed, you do feel about 100
pounds lighter when you've pinched a couple of good loaves, so... since the
recipe seemed unappetizing (fried bulgur?) I took a trip down to the local
health food joint and ventured down the FIBER aisle in search of a colonic
Spring Cleaning.

First off, this is not an easy feat. You'd be surprised at how many
products there are that promise to clean your whistle. And they come in
all forms: powdered, capsules, with husk, without husk, herbally
supplemented, or just straight up psyllium.








The Ultimate Cleanse is designed to "facilitate the removal of toxins from the digestive and eliminative systems."





After giving myself a headache
from reading all of the various bottles and boxes, I decided to go for one
called "Ultimate Cleanse,"
since it was in pill form and was in a pretty
box marked "America's #1 Internal Cleanser." They made it sound like your
mom would keep it in the medicine cabinet.

So I went to the counter and paid for my box of fibery goodness along, with a
big bottle of (organic) prune juice. The clerk gave me a weird look, but
who cares! I was on my way to fecal freedom and nothing was going to stop
me.

I read the directions and took one pill of the Fiber Blend and one pill of
the Herb Blend. They both look like innocuous, little, tan colored
pills... and it said to "start with one pill each in the morning, then
increase the amount of pills until you achieve two to three bowel movements
per day." Now, I know my bowels... and I got to thinking that these two little
pills weren't going to do much but give me the farts. So I washed two more
down with a glass of prune juice. Then I sat back in my chair at work and
continued with my work.

Two hours later, I felt the urge. I was on the phone with the boss. It
went from a gentle anal tugging to a full blown racing match to the loo to
see if I could outrun the explosive mass about to come flying out of my poor
puckered asshole. I hung up the phone and was halfway down the hall when I
was already unzipping. I pulled up my skirt as fast as I could and pulled
off my undies just in time. Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber when
Jeff Bridges is holding on for dear life while he experiences the worst
explosive diarrhea imaginable? That was me. No need to elaborate. I swear
to you, I thought I had shit out part of my lower intestine.

Thank God the toilets at work flush as well as they do because luckily there
was no evidence (besides a lovely smell) left after I finished and I
returned to the office to get some more work done. About an hour later, I
got the urge again -- not as severely this time -- and found myself walking
very quickly to the restrooms again. And again, after lunch.

I am slightly bummed that I didn't get to brag about the impressive inches I
shat like Doniker did, since my mess was all liquidy and resembled giant
bowls of Chocolate Malt-O-Meal.

By 5pm, I was so clean, you could have eaten dinner out of my colon. I went
home, feeling better than I have in the last two months since the Wicked Wet
Burrito incident. I saved the coupon in the box of Ultimate Cleanse.

I got home and hopped on the scale. I was 3 1/2 pounds lighter than I was
this morning. And my stomach was flat as a board.

Next time someone says you're full of shit, don't be too quick to disagree.
You probably are. But don't worry, Ultimate Cleanse can take care of it.

207 Comments on "Ultimate Cleanse: Blowin' Your Colon"

super B's picture

all I have to say is, Try perfect 7 and you will shit black stuff! Things will come out of your ass that you never thought you swallowed. Remember that piece of gum that you swallowed two years ago, you will re-visit it! Coming out your ass

poop's picture

just drink the local water in mexico - you will shit like you've never shit before

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Well, you'll all be happy to know, I have bought some Ultimate Cleanse for myself... and I will be trying it out and reporting back to you next week.

Che Guanovara's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

first off: thanks to dave for my bitchin' new name. he is truly an inspiration to us all. secondly: "2 to 3 bowel movements per day"??? wow. i don't think i'll need this product for a few years, since a big cup of coffee in the morning usually does me right. my sister, on the other hand would certainly put it to the test. "irregularity" is an understatement with her. i've been trying to get her to post in here, but no luck so far. i'll keep working on her.

very well written report, latrina!

rubyblood's picture

I've tried Super Colon Cleanse. It does what its name says.

Sozetone's picture

I am trying the ROEX product called WOW.So far nothing strange has come out. I am taking 5 a day going to 6 today. Anybody know exactly how to use this stuff?

JOSH's picture

COOL KEEPING TRYING NEW PRODUCTS LIKE THIS I LOVE THESE REVIEWS YUM!`

big flip's picture

I USED THE PLAIN PSYLLIUM HUSK SEEDS YOU FIND AT THE HEALTH FOOD STORE. YOU ARE TO MIX 2 LARGE TABLESPOONS IN YOUR JUICE OR WATER AND CONSUME IT. WITHIN THAT DAY YOU WILL HAVE 2 OR 3 "LOGS" COME OUT OF YOUR ASS THE

SIZE OF A LARGE BEEF SUMMER SAUSAGE. WHEN YOU FART IT SMELLS LIKE AIR WITH A SLIGHT HINT OF POO.

Hopeful's picture

I had 2nd heart surgery two months ago, stents. Triple by pass 5 years ago. I have 11 milameter ovarian cyst, surgery sometime this summer for that. I need to see some poopie! taking blood thinner and cholesterol meds. WHEN pooping tiny turdies or hard. Do you think Latrina I can get away with the aggressive approach, make it quick? Colonblow seems to have good results, with non liquid movements. Whatta topic. Good fun, and needed information. Thanks guys.

dontsleep's picture

Been taking Ultimate cleanse for 3 days now and have yet to have a nice good shit.So far,a wast of money.I will update when the big one finnaly comes.

Misty's picture

Ultimate cleanse! thank god, my doctor wouldnt give me zelnorm anymore because its only temporary so I tried this....Finally, I havent felt this good and empty since I was 10 (18 yrs ago)If anyone out there is looking for something to replace zelnorm, this is it!!!!

CACA's picture

I just read the report about Ultimate Cleanse because I bought some tonight. I can't wait for MY Ultimate Explosion--I've been eating nothing but SHIT for the past week, so the toilet bowl should be full of great gobs of GOO GOO Clusters, etc.

Torocaca's picture

This is my second day on Ultimate Cleanse and OOO LA LA---the first turd from the system measured AT LEAST 14 inches! It was a definate TWO FLUSHER. I'm here to tell you that the 28 bucks I spent on this stuff was worth every penny. OH GOTTA GO!!! I can feel another hefty log on its way out.....

Churchill's picture

When I feel constipated, I put on a latex glove and dip two fingers into fish oil. Then, I ease the fingers up my anus and within minutes, I drop a browner that's three times the size of Churchill's cigars.

Anonymous Coward's picture

anyone lose inches on their waistline

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm Don and I'm a dispatcher at a cab company near toronto. I enjoy at least four good bowel movements a day. After a twelve hour driving shift, some of the drivers ask me how to cure constipation.

It's simple and VERY EASY.....

I take two green apples and peel the skin off. Then, with the help of a lubricant such as KY Jelly, I "roll" the apples up my anus.

After a minute, it starts to feel good, then I drop a continually "curving totem pole" that's as thick as my wrist.

It feels as though hell has dropped through my bowels and into the toilet. (I usually jump up to avoid the spash of water on my anus.)

Afterwards, I go to bed dream continuouslly of brown rockets that are directed to Iraq.

In any event.....it's great.

Don (Cab Dispatcher)

poopster wannabe's picture

I stumbled on this page looking for info on colon cleansing. Everyone here has inspired me to let it all hang out so to speak at this very moment I am drinking a large glass of jelled psyllium husk its like drinking cold cream of wheat now I will be waiting for the big one. Latrina gave me a whole new insight to the saying "blow it out your ass".

Marcy's picture

I also tried the Ultimate Cleanse system. I have to say, it did make me use the bathroom 2-3 times, but not everyday. Usually I went every other day. I did lose about 3-4 pounds while I was on it, which was only a week. I would love to start back on the cleanse, especially after the Holidays, but the multi fiber pill really upsets my stomach. It made me have really sharp gas pains everyday. Has anyone else had this problem while using Ultimate Cleanse? Any ideas on how to combat this problem while using the cleanse?

newbooboo's picture

Wow, I cant believe this site! I love it. Im constipated and really need to go. Im going to try it (the product)!

Anonymous Coward's picture

newbooboo,

Too late to use the cleansing product. For fast relieve, use a suppository or better yet an enema and be sure to be near the bowl.

stopped up's picture

I tried ultimate cleanse and the second day I dropped a load like I used to when i was fifteen years old. I havent felt this good in ten years.

gazbacho's picture

I'm about to begin my colonblow experience. I'm hoping that it will flatten out my lower abdomen that is usually kinda bulgy and gross. Sucks when you're in great shape and have a six pack but your lower stomach sticks out. What should i expect??

Rico's picture

Just bought Ultimate Cleanse yeasterday. Im up to 2 pills in the morning and two pills at night. So far no big explosion yet. I am standing by with tolet tissue and baby wipes. I will update you all when the big gahuna arrives.

readyforchange's picture

I normally take prevacid, nexium and over the counter stuff for acid indigestion and GERD. I suffer pains, gas, and bloating. I began the Ultimate Clease 2 part one week ago. I have not had to take any meds due to all former symptoms gone. I try also to drink 8 glasses of water daily; therefore no cramping.

Health Pervert's picture

I've taken it. Yes, it is POWERFUL. And actually I'd be careful with that stuff. Its the Cascara Sagrada in it (?) and you can really pull a groin when using that stuff. Otherwise, go for it.

Jaypoo's picture

Ultimate Cleanse...
It's 2 days now and I'm very hopeful but so far it hasn't translated into the large, arm length poo that has been so touted...
Just upped the dose to 3 and 3 morning and evening...which is still 1/2 the maximum dose...
Keep y'all informed............

Dupahole Don's picture

The best substance to bring a 10-knife-length wallylog out of your bloated O is Rolled Rye cereal. Find it. Eat it. Experience it. Next to that fine substance is just as the article explains, Ultimate Cleanse. It's like blowing a fire hose over a sandbox filled with feeder mice. The sand blows out, the feeder mice blow out. The handful of toys you lost last year blows out. The grass below the sand blows out. The box itself starts to CRACK. Pretty soon, all you have is a bare patch of ground, and all the earth worms underneath running for cover.

Try bellowing out this ca ca while standing up once. Just for the heck of it.

queen of poo's picture

I have used colon cleanse in the past- just the fiber not the detox system. After working their program 2x I had no IBS symptoms for years. I did not have the liquid experience because I followed the directions. I built up and then weaned off. I feel the need to do it again but I got years of benefit off the first purchase.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I tried colon cleanse about 10 days ago and I've been going on the average of twice a day....big healthy ones. Before I needed an mini enema to get it out. I feel lighter and so much better. I stumbled on this site by mistake because I googled colon cleanse to see what others have experienced. I'm up to the 3 pills of each right now, but not sure I want to increase at this point. I wait 3 days before increasing instead of 2 like the instructions say. I think 3 is the desired dosage for me.

Anonymous Coward's picture

yes marcy i am also getting the sharp gas pains in my stomach -- makes me not want to eat either, but i will continue using. All in all i think it is working. I feel close to having to go again

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Folks, be careful: Laxatives are addictive! My long-time secretary, Fartis, got herself addicted to them several years ago, and she would swell up until we thought she was pregnant. Then, it turned out that she WAS pregnant!

But she went through hell breaking the dependence on the laxatives.

Me, I have IBS, so I don't know what it is to get constipated....

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Poo Girl's picture

Just wanted to offer my input on the Ultimate Cleanse products. This is my 3rd week using the pills, and boy do I have a lot less gas than what I was used to having. Now I don't have to blame the person behind me on who was the one who cut the cheese. I have about 2-3 bowel movements a day, drink lots of water, exercise, and every 2-3 weeks I visit a colonist and get the colon hydrotherapy treatment. I feel fantastic, more energetic and this product is very easy to take - just 2 pills. Most of the products on the market will send you to the toilet and perform the shit mishap from the Dumb & Dumber movie, or they will have those chalky tasting herbal teas, which will make you piss up a storm & forecfully make your toilet your new ball & chain. Oh and I also forgot to add that I lost about 5 lbs the past few weeks! :)

Flataliscious's picture

I've just started using Ultimate Cleanse. Like others, I was pretty sure that my polluted colon needed far more than the minimum so I began with 2 pills. I've had one very satisfying poop so far. It couldn't have been anything I ate in the last few days (which hasn't been much).

This glorious poop was HUGE. Literally the round size of my colon and almost the height of the toilet.

I do have a slight headache, though. Anyone else have any accompanying symptoms like headaches?

Gastrointestinal Girll's picture

I recently bought the product called "Super Cleanse" by Nature's Secret, the same company that makes the "Ultimate Cleanse" product described above.

I think the main difference in the two products is that Super Cleanse is a one-part treatment, meaning one pill rather than two different pills. The directions are roughly the same: Start with one per evening, and then increase daily till 2-3 bowel movements are bestowed upon me.

Well, Im up to three, and NO CHANGE has occured. I also started taking Psyllium Husk Caps by NOW Foods at the rate of 3 per day. I have had NO satisfying, bulky, clean poopies. I have maintained my rate of one, dissatisfying, small, sticky session per day.

I always eat really healthy, with plenty of fresh vegetables, lots and lots of water and lots of fibery breads and cereals.

WHAT GIVES.

Fannie blow-hoe's picture

I began The Ultimate Cleanse 5 days ago. Believe me when it says Ultimate Clease it means it. I bet that my colon could pass a white glove test. I have been going at least 3 times a day. And I just did increase to 2 pills in the morning. I haven't weighed sence I began taking it, but I feel empty (If that makes ant sence).

Jessica Lewandowski's picture

I also tried Ultimate Cleanse and absolutely hated it for the reasons you all mentioned. It's SO harsh on my system!! I don't have the luxury of working where I can run to the bathroom on a minute's notice and I have an hour and a half commute so that obviously wouldn't be good for me! I don't know how you guys do it but it wouldnt' work for me. I did go online and do some searching and found a product called SoCal Cleanse. It seems that many celebrities use and love it! I know, I know, I bought into it but I figure if it's good enough for Denise Richards sweet bottom, it's good enough for me! :) lol And I gotta tell you guys I love it! It still does the job but it does it more slowly and much easier on my body. I've lost 7 and a half pounds over the past 3 weeks and I couldn't be happier! Plus, I have better skin and more energy. Ok, now that I sound like an infomercial (lol) I'll stop babbling. I just thought I would mention a more gentle alternative for anyone out there who can't take the harsher stuff.

Low Freddy's picture

I started my archeaological shit dig today! After spending hours on-line trying to figure out whether those grotesque, yet truly fascinating and awe-inspiring photos of "creatures from the black Poo-goon were real or not, I decided to take a trip to the local Whole Foods to see what I could find (instant gratification of poop is necessary - I couldn't wait for online products to be delivered :). Luckily I had printed out the ingredients used in a product called "Colpurin," and found that the Ultimate Cleanse system is pretty much the same action...just half the price!

I started out slowly, just the two pills (one of each), but I also bought some Senna tea...I read in numerous sites that this works some colonic magic as well! I have been drinking what I refer lovingly to as "poopy tea" for a couple years now, but it is just a colon stimulant and when you gotta go, you gotta go! Also, when I didn't drink it, I wouldn't crap at all!

Anyway, I present two questions to this amazing group of bloggers! 1. Have any of you, by using any known product, expelled any of those long, black, rope-looking things? or is that just trick photography? 2. After the "cleanse" do you still continue to have regular bowel movements or do you become "fiber dependent"?

Mr. Man's picture

Buy the 240 capsule bottle of Super Colon Cleanse , and call it a day. Take it everyday for approx. 1 month. Take a month off, do again.
Thats advice from my Colonist.
I fart in your general direction

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points


Isn't a colonist someone who inhabits a colony?

_______
Fecal Matters.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

These quacks that insist you need help to "cleanse" your colon are nothing more than the old charletans who would dispense miracle cures next to the travelling circus.

Unless you suffer from a twisted colon or other serious medical condition most internists will tell you that these quack flush remedies are no more useful than a few tablespoons of mineral oil. People let's not be so "ANAL".

FullOfShit's picture

"The danger of these practices depends upon how much they are used and whether they are substituted for necessary medical care. Whereas a 1-day fast is likely to be harmless (though useless), prolonged fasting can be fatal. "Cleansing" with products composed of herbs and dietary fiber is unlikely to be physically harmful, but the products involved can be expensive. Some people have reported expelling large amounts of what they claim to be feces that have accumulated on he intestinal wall. However, experts believe these are simply "casts" formed by the fiber contained in the "cleansing" products."

I took this quote from an article off of Quack Watch. SO Low Freddy, to answer your question, products like Colonix, and others that are loaded with fiber are just hoaxes. The rope like terds in the pictures are just what the quote says they are.. "casts". Cranberry juice, flaxseed, and other natural herbs can help to regulate you without the costs.

Mr. Aaaahhhhhhh!!!'s picture

Great site. I'm using ultimate cleanse for the second time in the last twelve months. Each time - very good results. I, too, am very concerned about my colon becoming "cleanse dependent." Since no one really seems to mention this too much, my guess is that it is not a very common problem. Has anybody had an experience where a product like Ultimate Cleanse seemed to cause them to back-up more easily in the weeks and months subsequent to having stopped using the product?

Also, my BM's have been very soft, like thick oatmeal (Aren't you glad you know that?). Am I using too many of the pills! I just reduced to three from four.

Well, what I do know is that I'm feeling less bloated than I have in a long time - and it feels great! Good luck to everyone!

crap master's picture

First off it was Jeff Daniels in the movie, that was bugging me.

I bought this product from:
http://www.naturesnutrition.com/SKU/5203.htm
IN CANADA

I have had great success. But first I will give some hints as to make it easier.

I saw the infomercial and I agree with a lot of what is said. Now some of it is bullshit, like it matters that they found 44 pounds of shit in John Waynes colon when he died.

This is not a weight loss product. Nowdays everything is marketed as weight loss. Bottom line if your a fatass and eat like one, you will still be one after taking this product.

But I am happy, finally I found something that eases my chronic constipation. But do yourself a favor go out and buy a $3 bottle of mag citrate (citro mag) and dring a glass of water 6 hours before and after taking full bottle, and spend 7 hours in the can purging your system. Why? You will start this system on a clean bowel, it will make this product work so much better.

Will you get fiber dependent? Yes... Makes sense. Anything you take to help, you form a dependancy on. Don't take this with any other product, it will not work as well.

I only take it once a day. Why people are wanting to go 3 times a day is stupid. You are damaging your system, destroying good bacteria with the bad, and getting dehydrated. If you take this thing 3 times a day you will go 3 times. But hey the manufacturer doesn't care, sells product. And I don't know where people find the time to be shitting all day, and I hate the thought of soiling the car.

So think and ignore the hype, use common sense.

But I have nice cream of wheat style crap, so for the $40 I spent, it works.

Make sure yours comes with the free 2 CD-ROMS, interesting commentary, can listen while yor in the can.

Overall I am happy.

Be warned though, if you have hyroid problems skip the multi-herb it is packed with iodine and will elevate your thyroid. It did for me and I read the label and freaked. So I now I just use the fiber.

Opps gotta go, somethings tugging in my colon

Colon Pow!'s picture

Screw all this stuff. Go Buy a 6 pack of the cheapest cold beer you can find and then leave it in you car for a week, then put it back in the fridge to cool down again, and then leave it in your car for another week. Once you have completed these steps, drink the beer and eat one pickled egg. Within a day, you will have no more shit in your bowels or annoying relatives in your house.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Got drunk last June with a buddy. After we was feelin' no further pain, the shiftless sonofabitch pulled out some cider, and we proceded twixt the two of us to chug down a gallon in just under two hours. I thought I was gonna shit my goddam brains out. My colon was clean I'll tell ya...

Poopy Patty's picture

I haven't tried the Ultimate Cleanse, but I have been using a product called Colonix. It is a 2-3 month internal cleanse and detox program that is designed to cleanse your internal organs as well as your colon and gets the 'ball rolling' again. I have suffered from chronic constipation just before I turned 20 (I'm 25 now), and have had numberous tests, colonoscopies, and have been put on every antacid and laxative imaginable, and all of this only to make all the symptoms worse and not fix the internal problem. All the ingredients are natural, and it isn't harsh on your system as some other 'miracle cleanse' or shorter programs tend to be. You'll have mild, normal side effects from detoxing the first week or so, but it goes away along with the crap in your intestines. It has definitely done wonders for me...no more antacids, not more heartburn, and I'm able to 'go' once a day now rather than once a week. My skin has cleared up and my stomach is getting flatter. I'm one of those people with a 6-pack but my lower stomach has always looked 'poochy,' no matter how skinny I would get, and now I know why. It has also made me want to eat healthier, and I actually crave very fibrous foods now...I'm not forcing myself to have to eat them. You can find the product at www.DrNatura.com. I even have my picture and testimony posted on the site. Happy pooping!

Rebecca Davis's picture

I tried colon cleanse and I was rushed to the hospital because I couldn't stop shitting for four days. I took the whole bottle in one sitting for a joke between my friends and then all of a sudden, I just started shitting. Big Fat Juicy Steamy Shits started leaking out of every orvaice in my body. THANKS COLON CLEANSE!

Classy lady's picture

I have read all posts and many are rather arrogant and have nothing to do with the problem.
The testimonies don;t have to be so grafic and
sometimes disgusting. It's a disgrace to English language that has much better words to express ourselves. By the way, Ultimate Cleanse has always worked very well for me in detoxifying my body and making me feel more energetic.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

That would be "graphic", there, Classy.

Thanks for playing; we have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage.

Anonymous Coward's picture

HI, EAT WHOLE GRAIN TOTAL CEREAL! ONE BOWL MADE ME POOP FOR 2 DAYS, STARTED OFF RUNNY ENDED HARD MY ASS IS STILL RAW

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