Umm, And I'll Have The Colonoscopy, Please (Part I)

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If you're anything like me, colonoscopy ranks on the squirm scale well above leeches and root canals, somewhere up near death by evisceration.

A colonoscopy, in case you don't know, is a medical procedure that involves shoving five feet of cable up your ass to check out your colon. On the business end of the cable is an ass-doctor's version of a Swiss Army knife, designed for a search-and-destroy mission. It includes a light and video camera; and through its interior can be fed all sorts of additional things -- blasts of air, a wire snare, a flame thrower (for electrocautery, or so they say). Take note, Mattel: this would make a great kids' toy.

You can find thousands of descriptions of the equipment and procedure on the web, complete with diagrams and videos. My favorite is Dr. Fusco's Colonscopy on Dr. Fusco, an ass doctor himself, has posted the account and homey photos of his own colonoscopy. The photo to the right shows him adhering to the night-before dietary regime: "So, while everyone

These pictures come from Dr. Fusco's site. I'm not Dr. Fusco, but I endured pretty much the same thing.

else was enjoying roast beef and chicken, I had a nice big bowl of lemon Jello."

Like Dr. Fusco's account, nearly all of the descriptions on the web are varnished diddies designed to set the mind at ease: "The flexible colonoscope is a remarkable piece of equipment." "The thin, well-lubricated colonoscope is gently inserted..." "Many people report that they remember very little of the examination." Apparently, for some people a colonoscopy isn't a big deal: "As expected, the test was a breeze." One can also find those lucky few who enjoy the sensation of large objects shoved up their asses, those people who probably request a colonoscopy, sans anesthesia, as soon as they turn fifty -- the age at which doctors want to start aggressively searching for tell-tails of colon cancer.

I'm writing this account for people on the other extreme -- for those so fearful of anal penetration that they avoid walking backwards. I underwent my first colonoscopy a year ago. In recounting my experience, I have no reason to reassure you. Indeed, given that I am an aspiring PoopReporter, you can expect me to play up the unpleasantry.

To understand the decisions I made leading up to the exam, you should know my body's general admission policy. If you're a physician and you need to get into my body, you go right ahead and cut yourself a new hole just as big as you please. But listen up: all existing holes are OFF LIMITS. If you didn't know, these holes have dedicated purposes -- and most were designed exclusively for one-way traffic. This isn't really my rule, per se. It's a policy made and aggressively enforced by guard dogs stationed at each of my holes -- dogs who take no orders from me. If I tell them "Heel," they say, "Fuck off."

Swabbing my throat sends the tonsil dogs into frenzies. Just thinking the word "catheter" will cause the pee-tube dogs to throw themselves violently against the fence. But the nastiest of these are the junkyard dogs chained to my anus.

The first doctor to give me The Finger told me that I'd feel a little "pressure," and perhaps mild "discomfort." I get real nervous whenever a medical professional tells me I may experience discomfort. Discomfort is what I experience flying coast-to-coast on Delta Airlines, shoehorned into seats designed for squirrels. While I don't particularly look forward to boarding the plane, I don't sit sweating bullets in the terminal beforehand. When a doctor jams a finger up my ass, I'm instantly up on my toes, I'm exuding eerie guttural sounds, I'm shouting SHIT and FUCK like I have Tourette's. Does that sound to you like someone experiencing a little pressure or mild discomfort? Those are reliable indicators of penetrating, zig-zaggy, lightning-bolt, tooth-gnashing pain.

My dog-bite response to anal penetration startled the first two doctors who insisted on forcing their way in. So now I warn the doctor, as he moves towards me with the glove, that my body is going to stage a vigorous protest. I'm sorry, I tell him, there is nothing I can do about it. The last doctor thanked me afterwards for alerting him. His wide-open eyes told me that he'd never seen a display quite like it.

Knowing this about me, you can guess what I thought of the idea of a colonoscopy -- having my ass reamed for thirty minutes by a plumber's snake. I'd been putting it off for a few years, hoping for a technological breakthrough. What prompted me to suddenly submit was the diagnosis of colon cancer in the young wife of a colleague. Hearing the details of her surgery and its aftermath convinced me that I never wanted that particular disease. I'd prefer to die of something else. Electrocution, for example.

But before visiting my regular doctor, I did my homework. I learned that there are two procedures for checking the colon. In the colonoscopy, which we've been talking about, the ass doctor examines the full length of your colon. But a more conservative option is the sigmoidoscopy, which involves checking out only the lower third. (Why they don't call it "Colonoscopy Lite," I don't know.) Knowing my dogs as you now do, you might predict that I'd fervently petition for the sigmoidoscopy. You'd be wrong. I was prepared to say or do whatever I needed to get signed up for the Full Monty. Here's why:

  1. With the sigmoidoscopy, the standard routine provides little or no anesthesia. With the colonoscopy, they'll knock you right over the head if you want.

  • With the sigmoidoscopy, if they find a polyp, they then want to examine the whole rest of your colon. Do they do it right then? No. They schedule you to come back for a colonoscopy, which means another preparation ordeal. (Oh, you'll read about that in a second. Oh, my, yes.)
  • If they find nothing with the sigmoidoscopy, they want to see you again in five years. If they find nothing with the colonoscopy, your ass is all yours for the next ten.
  • Why would anyone choose the sigmoidoscopy? First, it's usually not you choosing it, but rather your health insurer, via your doctor. And they take the shorter route because it costs them less. But there is another reason you might opt for the sigmoidocopy: with it, the chances of the doctor accidentally jamming the cable right through the wall of your colon drop to 1 in 10,000, from 1 in 5,000. (If they do perforate your colon, they rush you to the emergency room where they treat you the same as if you'd been shot in the gut.) I think I'd rather die of a gunshot wound than survive colon cancer, so I didn't put much concern on the perforation risk.

    My doctor was pretty quick to recommend the colonoscopy -- perhaps because he was well acquainted with my anus dogs. Had he not been so inclined, I was prepared to lie and complain of an innocent-sounding symptom that I learned would guarantee me the colonoscopy. (The high ethical standards of PoopReport preclude me from revealing that here. Sorry.)

    I scheduled the procedure first thing on a Monday morning. Those who make their living doing this procedure do so by running an ass-embly line. And just as I don't want to buy a car assembled on a Friday, I don't want some bleary-eyed ass doctor operating the corkscrew.

    Plus, I hate sitting on a toilet seat still warm from the guy before. So I wanted the corkscrew itself to have enjoyed some time off before it cuddled up to me.

    You will hear most colonoscopy survivors say that the worst part is the preparation -- removing all shit from your colon, getting it squeaky clean. This process begins two days before the exam, when you have to forgo certain foods (uncooked fruits, beets, and so on). But on colonoscopy eve, in place of solid foods, you take a laxative.

    One has a couple of options in terms of potable poisons to do the job;

    Dr. Fusco and his gallon of laxative. Bottom's up!

    and I have no idea how a particular clinic decides which to prescribe. But based on my informal surveys, I'm pretty sure which one you want: the Fleet phospho-soda (consisting of two six-ounce doses). To avoid is the ONE GALLON of polyethylene glycol, aka GoLYTELY, NuLYTELY, CoLyte -- the people who named these products were obviously pranksters, because everyone I talked to who managed to drink the whole gallon described it as a gag-fest, likening it to snot syrup and warm spit.

    I scored the Fleet phospho-soda. While it made me wince, there wasn't much of it, so I could rush it down before the tonsil dogs were fully awake. After swallowing the dam buster, one then drinks a reservoir of water. I was now a disaster waiting to happen -- a ticking shit bomb.

    My first few explosions a couple hours later were similar to standard diarrhea. Not a pretty sight. But by the early morning, I was blasting out drinking water. If Disneyland had a theme ride based on shitting -- Diarrhea of the Caribbean, say -- this would be it: all the comic cheek-flapping noises and pit-of-the-stomach thrills of explosive diarrhea -- even to the point of getting just a little wet -- but without the acidic bite and gruesome odors. If an enema didn't require inserting a nozzle up my ass, this experience would have won a steady customer.

    Part II: Touching the void.

    Here we see Dr. Fusco pre-op and post-op. Can you guess which is which?

    107 Comments on "Umm, And I'll Have The Colonoscopy, Please (Part I)"

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Polyps or no (I have none right now) I will wait for one of those ass robots that they let you swallow. No one is sticking a tube up my ass for ANY reason, much less anything else.

    No enemas, no sex, no nothing!!!!! I'll just be constipated and alone!

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Speaking of assholes, I thought of a new name for one. Fudgewhistle.

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    fullofsht's picture

    I enjoyed my colonoscopy, but that might have had something to do with the Demerol they gave me during the procedure...

    Browners's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    I had a sigmoidoscopy earlier this years, the doctors referred to it as a "siggy", which made it sound really quite a pleasant experience - it was anything butt. Yes the tube that is inserted into your anus horriblis is very thin but when it enters your lower bowel the sensation is horrible it feels like you are pooping an earthworm in reverse, and they keep blowing air into your bowel, now I have plenty of air as it is in my bowels that frequently makes appearances so the additional air they were putting in meant I could have played "the last post" with the wind I had to pass. What is worse is that they have a camera on the end of the tube and they make you watch whats going on on the tv screen in the operating theatre, and it looks like a huge hosepipe has unfurled in your insides. And now i find out from logjam that the colonoscopy is worse than the "siggy" i had, if i have to have that done I will be inserting a cork in my arse and hanging a no-entry sign off it!

    John Stephens's picture

    I must quibble with one statement: a colonoscopy is MUCH worse than death by evisceration, since at some point in the latter you will finally, mercifully die.

    Pill Pooper's picture
    PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

    I used to date a girl who worked for a doctor who did colonoscopies. She said some people took it like it was nothing and other would screm like they were passing a watermelon through their nose.

    Personally, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of colon cancer because I will NEVER go and get this done. There is NO WAY I could have them jam something up my ass. I get squirmy if I sit on a bike seat too long. God help you Logjam.

    -Pill Pooper

    Slim Jim Junkie's picture

    Screw this, I'll make sure to live fast and die young so that I don't have to do this crap.

    Logjam's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    To those saying they would rather die than... I was making the same, exact statement just a few years ago. And here I went and got my butt reamed. Seeing friends die off, or even survive, can change your perspective in a fucking hurry.
    To TSV: How do you know you have no polyps? If I could have found that out without the colonoscopy, I would have.
    To browners: Read again. A major point I try to make is that the colonoscopy is an easier ride than the siggy.


    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

    You'll be really hungry after you come out of the anesthesia, I assume.
    Logjam, what did you eat afterwards? Was it a comfort food? Will I find out tomorrow?

    I did have a gastroscopy, and that wasn't fun either. However, it sounds better than this.

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    PooperTrooper's picture

    I had a "siggy" a couple years ago and it wasn't that bad. I had bad hemmoroids for a couple weeks, so my doctor wanted to make "sure" it wasn't a busted polyp or whatnot. There was nothing bad, and the roids cleared up on their own. I would say the worst parts were the self administered enema (God bless my wife, but I just didn't want to have her 'go there') and afterwards putting the medicated suppositories up your own butt. They start out like waxy bullets, but turn all slippery with a little body heat. Putting stuff up your own butt (even if it is for your own good) is not fun. KIDS DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

    As far as the actual siggy is concerned, once you get over the fact that a stranger is sticking something up your bung hole, it is ok. Just remember they are trained professionals, and it ain't the first brown eye they've seen. The air just makes it feel like you're going to have the hugest fart in the world and blow the nurses glasses off! I'm a guy, so of course I thought the whole fart thing was hilarious. To lighten it up in the exam room, I asked the doctor if he could look for my lost car keys and the TV remote while he's up there, because that's where my wife thinks they are hidden.

    Good luck Logjam

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Logjam- I know I have no polyps because I'm psychic.

    Anyway, I forgot to say this earlier. I enjoyed this story and it made me laugh. I always enjoy your submissions and can't wait for part two.

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    The Amazing Anus's picture

    Happy ass tube day!!:)

    anus's picture


    Translation: Stay the hell out of me!

    FatLoaf's picture

    Ouch!! Ouch!! Ouch!! I would schedule to have my grommet removed at the same time. My "ass dogs" just have no sense of humor when it comes to penetration. Their is no way that anyone will be clever enough to trick them twice so they had better do all of their business in one foul swoop. Now I say this at 36, we will see how I talk in a few years. Sure makes you think though. I do say that the whole fart thing sounds like a big hit.

    Logjam- Best of luck to ya! May the wind be at your back. Oh! Wait a breeze may cause you to pucker and we don't want that do we.

    Browners's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    Logjam - ta for that mate, hope it is an easier ride with the colonoscopy if i ever have to had one, just found the siggy really difficult to tolerate. Have also had a barium enema this year too, where they pumped loads of barium into my butt and then i was on this tilting table similar to the one David Banner was on at the start of The Incredible Hulk and was tilted in various different positions so the barium covered everywhere before they took x-ray pics! Nice, not!

    Logjam's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    browners. You an Aussie?


    Tony Day's picture

    I must admit, after suviving my sigmoidoscopy yesterday, I found your account very funny, it's amazing what you can laugh at sometimes.
    Never mind watching the pictures when the scope is inside, what got to me was when they first turned on the camera and you see it coming towards your arse, what a sight, big hairy anus, white gown flapping wide open, with a nurse behind you asking if your comfortable.
    Seriously though only worry I've got is when you see them snipping away at the red bowel and it's streaked with what looks like white veins, anybody else seen anything like this.
    On the subject of the 'Fleet' arrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!

    jamie richardson's picture

    please e-mail more info if any you got this site is very informative.


    GotDoody?'s picture

    SKIP THE SIGGY! Mind you, I was only 25 at the time, and barely aware that doctors actually shoved things up your ass to look for things that shouldn't be there (polyps, etc) But I sure knew well enough that if you weren't going to knock me out and that there was a chance that I'd end up with a colonoscopy after a sigmoidoscopy, then I didn't want to mess with the siggy in the first place. I went as far as switching to a different GI doctor who would do a colonoscopy first. Smart move, I might add. Overall, it was an OK experience. The prep was quite shitty. LOL And my ass hurt for days from that. But the procedure was a piece of cake. I don't remember much of it. My father-in-law is one of those people who insists on being awake, aware, all-feeling during these things. He's in his 70's so goes frequently for ass exams. Weirdo.

    In prep or fleeeee--t's picture

    Does anybody know what a colonscopy is like without anesthesia? I have a big problem with amnesia experiences.

    Logjam's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    Last year I was sitting around with three friends, and all three of them had had the colonscopy while fully awake. I'm sure they all knew enough about their assholes that they could anticipate what it would feel like to them. If you can easily handle the finger-up-the-butt prostate exam, I'd guess you could handle the colonscopy.


    mott the poople's picture
    l 100+ points

    I'm with TSV....ass robots for me. A rectal-rooter (with a swiss-army knife) up there.....1:5000 chance of perforating my COLON....Fuggettaboutit. Oh shit there is a part 2...Now I'm REALLY scared

    Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    interesting comments! I've got my siggie/colonoscopy 2morrow.. they don't know which yet, but i've had to have full prep, yes 'fleet' .... *shudders*
    I'm only 16 though, does anyone else know of anyone else who's had it done this young?

    Logjam's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    Hey, Anonymous Coward. I personally have never known anyone as young as you going in for the colon ream, but I have read about such cases. Anyway, my anus feels for you. How did it go today? Please fill us in, and don't spare the details.


    The Dumpster's picture
    i 2000+ points

    "Dr. Fusco" is certainly a Dickensian name for this story. Think about it.

    Logjam, I am living through every minute of this with you. I had this done in 2001, and went through the "GoLitely" laxative routine. I would describe it as tasting like seawater mixed with Comet. However, my doctor told me that I could stir some Crystal Lite lemon-lime drink mix into it, and that would make it more palatable (which it did).

    The WORST part of the entire procedure to me was this suppository I had to insert on the Friday before my Monday procedure (we think alike, don't we?). I'm like you; my rear end is strictly exit only, and never having had anything up there before, I thought I was going to die of agony. Fortuntately, I had a few Lortabs left over from an earlier dental procedure, and that got me over the, er, hump.

    Then on Saturday, I ate nothing but potato soup. Sunday, nothing but jello and some clear chicken broth, all before noon. (This was my idea, not the doc's.)

    Sunday afternoon, there arrived, in the words of Ecclesiastes 3:6, "a time to lose, ... and a time to cast away." I didn't quite finish the entire gallon of bilgewater, but no matter: By midnight, when I had to go NPO, my poop chute was as clean as Mother Theresa's rap sheet.

    Anyway, I sure sympathize with you, my log-jammed friend!

    Anonymous Coward's picture


    GottaGoGirl's picture
    i 2000+ points


    DiverDan's picture

    Wow, I guess I got off easy! I had my colonoscopy on November 14, 2006, this morning. I had the phosphate laxative twice the day before to prep the bowel. I had about 6 cups of beef boullion that day, 2 cups of chicke boullion, a quart of white grape juice, lots of water, and a pint of jello. In other words I stayed very well hydrated, kept the hunger at bay, and drank enough liquid to run through so that I could nearly achieve a rocket sled ride when it was time to evacuate :)
    I told the surgeon doing the procedure that I was very nervous when I first interviewed for the procedure. He assured me I'd be asleep and unaware doing the procedure. He was right.
    Just before they wheeled me from the "get into a gown and on this bed" room a nurse injected something into my IV that she described like valium but wouldn't last as long. About half way down the hall on my 100 foot or so ride to the procedure room I started calming down and thinking "hey, this isn't so bad after all".
    Once in the procedure room they put an oxygen mask (I assume oxygen) on my face and tell me to roll over on my left side. By this time I was relaxing into a nice fade out of consciousness.

    The next thing I knew the procedure was over. I had no discomfort, I just had a little nap.

    The bowel prep the day before wasn't fun but it wasn't bad and the procedure itself was quite easy.

    I'm glad now that my wife finally insisted long enough that I have this procedure done. I'm 55, so I was a few years overdue.

    One tiny polyp was found which the doctor said was nothing but it'd be biopsied to be sure and they'll let me know in a week.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    38 year old female here. Had my colonoscopy today. Tuesday I had a normal breakfast. At lunch I had a milkshake. Then, nothing but green jello and ginger ale. At 6 pm Tuesday I drank that awful stuff. 20 minutes later the violent flow began and went pretty consitantly for the next 3 hours. Feel asleep but had to wake at 4 a.m. to drink another "drink". I thought I would vomit, because it was, of course, on an empty stomach. My husband told me this 4 a.m. drink was to "scrape the walls" before going in for the procedure. I got to the hospital at 6 a.m. and the procedure began about 8:30. I was squirting up until that time, which made me very nervous. I thought I should have been done and cleaned out by then. The nurse assured me all was fine. There were about 7 people in the room and my butt was bare for all to see. I anxiously awaited the anesthesia so I would be spared the em bare ass ment. Dream time came and went. I woke in the recovery room. No pain, no discomfort - just a bit of humiliation. Not that bad at all. Found 2 small polyps. Glad I had it done. Having those 2 small polyps removed made it all worthwhile, because colon cancer runs rampant in my family. Honestly, the worse thing about the entire ordeal was the hunger and effects of it - headache, weakness, nauseousness. The runs and the procedure was not a big deal at all.

    Everyone - take care of your colon!

    Anonymous Coward 512's picture

    Every straight guy is afraid this colonoscopy is going to turn him on. Don't worry, it won't. The demerol is the best part. When I woke up I insisted on telling the female doctor ajoke that involved superman inadvertantly bung-holing the invisible man.

    Colonoscopy Coward's picture


    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Check out virtural colonsocopy, also known as CT Colonography. You still have the prep, but it's simply an x-ray type exam. Polyps cannot be removed, but I've heard only 6% or so have anything show up and would need to have the full monty.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I just had one today...(why i left the net searching about colonoscopies after the procedure I have no idea) and to be honest it was no where near as bad as what I thought it would be.

    There reason why i wasnt so bad???

    Because all i remember was being told to lie on my side...then woke up in recliner chair with a cup of coffee and a shit load of biscuits in front of me...I WAS KNOCKED OUT THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE THING!!!

    I am a 19 year old male and i had the whole works done...gastroscopy (camera down the throat) and colonoscopy (camera up the ass) and when I woke up I had no idea that anything had happened. In fact I felt better because by that time my preping meds had worn off and i didnt feel like i was going to shit myself anymore.

    The worst part is the preparation...if you get a good anesthesist and a good rod handler you wont even know it happened.

    ParalyticPossum's picture

    I've had 2 flexible sigmoidoscopies, and by far the worst part of that procedure is self-administration of an enema. That's just not right, having to do that to yourself. The actual procedure isn't bad, just some cramping when the scope goes around a bend. I'm scheduled for a full colonoscopy, and am glad I'll be drugged. I just know the worst part will be the clear liquid diet the day before - I like to eat!

    IV Complications's picture

    Has anyone had IV / vein complications? They injected30 mg Valium and 7 mg Versad. I weigh 115 lbs. Have anxiety. Apparently the pain was so bad they had to stop. Vein in right arm throbbing ever since. Told me to use hot compresses. Had 2 injections of IV contrast (2 MRI's), radioactive injection for a bone scan, and 8 vials of blood taken in the past three wks. prior to this for tests. Can all that stuff interact? My right vein seems more pronounced and is definitely irritated. This was a screening for a 50 yr. old female who previously had breast cancer. Now the doc wants to do a barium enema and x-ray. I say no way!

    Hamster's picture
    k 500+ points

    I had a colonoscopy two years ago. No anasthetic, just 'gas and air' like they do in childbirth (it was an experiment - hopefully now abandoned!). They explained that they don't like to 'put people out' because they need to be able to ask them to move about. The pain was worse than I've ever known - by miles.

    The only positive was that they gave me a nice nurse to sit at the head of the bed, who talked to me and held my hand when she could see that I was near to losing the battle against screamimg for them to ........ stop!!! I'm sure she was there for something else really, but that's what she did. And I had to keep myself from screaming in front of her.

    Afterwards, the doctor said that it was the most difficult one he'd ever known. By that time I was trembling like a jelly in the recovery ward. Trust me to be awkward. But, thankfully, they found nothing.

    BILL M.'s picture

    About the siggies and the colonoscopes, be a man about it and have it done, it could mean your life! I had em all the barium enema and the scopes keepiong your colon clean will also help high fiber diet and regular enemas.

    In So Much Pain's picture

    Thanks for all the great comments about the colonoscopy. I am in preparation right now for mine to take place tomorrow at 11:30. My ass is extremely sore, I had my husband go out and get me ass wipes to help with the pain. I will die before I ever have to drink that fleet soda stuff, it was the worst!!! It hurts my stomache just thinking about the taste. I am very nervous about tomorrow but I believe that I got through the worst of it.

    IV complications's picture

    I accidentally erased an email that started "SIG" something or other. Could whoever sent it please resend? Didn't get to read it. Thanks.

    April's picture

    I had a colonscopy when I was 52 since my mother had colon cancer and had a foot of her colon removed 15 years ago and is fine now. They gave me a sedative and I don't remember a thing. Regardless of what they like to do or not, remember you are the patient. Demand pain relief if you can only do a sigmoid. The doctor who did the procedure told me a sigmoid is like having a mammogram on one boob. Have the colonoscopy for peace of mind, esp if cancer runs in your family.

    Hamster's picture
    k 500+ points

    April - yes I agree - that's why I had it done too! Better be safe than sorry!

    You're Kidding Right?'s picture

    Folks I just had my third colonoscopy today. Without the first 10 years ago I would have had blockage from a growth by now. Instead I'm clean as a whistle. Never has there been pain or discomfort. Today I was pretty loopy following the procedure but 5 hours later I'm just fine. Don't even think about it, just do it if its called for.

    roadkilled's picture

    I will be going in for my fourth Colonoscopy in about in about three weeks. This time to an Outpatient Unit in a Hospital, rather than my surgeons office, since now my breathing problems require Oxygen at home. I'm 77 years old and wish my lungs were in as good shape as my colon.

    Preparation for the procedure is 90% mental. Drink the stuff or squirt it up your butt and relax. Don't think yourself into a tizzy. With a good MD and some decent anesthetic the worst thing that you feel afterward is hungry. My MD found and removed one little polyp 15 years ago, none 10 years ago, none 5 years ago and I'm looking forward to zero again this year.

    We are dealing with what could be a serious issue here so don't let your brain become your biggest problem by going thru "What if...?"

    colonoscopy veteran's picture

    I'm 51. Had my 1st colonoscopy a few days ago. Drinking a gallon of liquid laxative and foregoing solid food was the worst of the experience because they put me out with IV administered anesthesia. Before giving me the knockout juice, they had to also give me some kind of stimulant because my pulse rate was too low(37) and reportedly would go even lower once sedated. I guess there is a down side to regular exercise. I'm rather surprised that in reading all the comments on this website about colonoscopies, the only mention of findings are about polyps. Well, I'm going to break tradition and tell you that in addition to 3 polyps, the doctor also found cancer in my sigmoid colon. There is no history of colon cancer in my family. My father (who is in his upper 70's) had a few polyps removed during his last colonoscopy, but thats it as far as I know. I thought I was in excellent health, do 90 minutes of moderate intensity cycling most weekdays, never smoked, never drank, and think I do a pretty good job of eating healthy foods. I had a CATscan yesterday and go in for a consultation with the gastroenterologist today. He's already said that I need a bowel resection (cut out the short diseased part of the colon and sew the good ends back together).

    So, if you are thinking of NOT having a colonoscopy, think again! Its given me a fighting chance.

    Genius Undercover's picture

    Yes! be a genius. But what is the difference between a genius and an ass-hole?
    The answer lies in two words. Both words start with the letter "B".
    Answer: A genius has"Brains", whilst an asshole has "Bowels".
    The men and women dressed in white assume we are all assholes and they are intent on collecting Bowels as trophies in exchange for the big Bucks. They see big butts as big bucks $$. Bowel browser anyone? A better name for their service might be "roto-rooter". Also keep in mind that studies have shown people who take lots of laxatives have lots more cancer. Kind of a no-brainer since laxatives do irritate. But yes, folks will do anything once its a fad. Streaking, colonscopy etc. Like moths to a flame they lack a brain: ASSHOLES.

    FBI's picture

    Its all about the search for bowel babies induced by alien beings (from ufo's) hiding in our toilet tanks. Doctors call them Pol-ips or poly-lips because when born they have four lips. You see more hot air (gas) comes from more poly-lips. It is feared that this gas is causing global warming which is a prefered vacation climate for the aliens who rely on solar radiation for energy. No one would believe all this so the fad of getting hosed was started by uncle sam. Some guts they have!!
    FBI ( federal bowel investigators)

    FBI's picture

    Strange logic is the name of this game. Consider the statistics. If you get de-polyped you will live 5 years longer on average. For that 5 years you have to take the extra risk (gamble) on your life. Does that make sense? You are better off cutting red meats (beef) from your foods chain. There is NO risk in reducing red meats.

    Also its strange, that those state licensed colonic providers can run 30 gallons of water through your bowels and yet cannot by law give you a 2 quart enema! Hmmmm ....

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

    Saturday night is always a good night for drunken posting.

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Well im in for my third on Saturday and it doesnt get any better in anticipation but better that than putting up with the diahhorea ive had the last 9 months.Dont mind the procedure as I have always been out of it but drinking a gallon of crap i definately dont like.Just remember though its better to be alive and uncomfortable for a short time than the alternative

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Embarrassing question here. In Playboy Magazine and other ones like that the women have no hair in their crack of the butt. Is that normal?

    I know this is a very deep question. LOL

    wonderpance's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

    i don't know about normal, but it's definitely not natural. we have hair back there to trap things like sweat and dingleberries, and many people would strongly recommend you keep it.

    of course, there are lots of people who seem to think the entire human body should be hairless, except the head (the one that holds your brain). it's just personal preference, i suppose.

    but if you're asking because you're thinking about removing your buttcrack hair, ask yourself this: do i really want someone looking that closely at my butthole?

    because that's really the only reason to do it. i'm sure some people would argue that it feels good. but let me tell you, i tried it once, and it's not very comfortable. and you end up with a sweaty ass.
    i love poop.

    i love poop.

    baron von crapalot's picture
    k 500+ points

    AC, I assume then that the alternative, is to be alive and uncomfortable for a long time?

    like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

    I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

    So disappointed with myself's picture

    Went for colonoscopy yesterday and freaked out. Tried to explain how scared I was including fear of having painkiller in case they wouldn't stop if I said it was too painful. So they did sigmoidoscopy with relaxant but NO painkiller and then stopped because it was so painful. doc said I have "bad sigmoid diverticular disease" and said I need barium enema!!No way!! How can I after fleet fest and awful pain? That's why i HURT when they PROBED SOOOOOOORE BITS!!! Worst of all I feel a complete failure and coward :( I was there and missed chance to be checked out completely :( BTW have just cried laughing about the ass dogs :) now have kennel club of guard dogs at entrance to anus

    Logjam's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    Dissappointed. Sounds horrible. But keep in mind that you really felt the pain you did, and its understandable that you don't want to bear it or risk experiencing it again. So next time, have them knock you out and do a colonoscopy and trust that you won't feel anything. And see if they can give you something for the barium enema. Be adamant about not wanting to feel pain. Often when I go into a store to buy something, I'll admit right off that I'm cheap. If I fall into the trap of wanting to avoid that perception, then I get nailed. Same with pain. Don't fall into the trap of trying to be brave. Embrace you cowardness and wear it with honor. That fear is the result of millions of years of evolution. Therefore, you're just more evolved than others (I'll bet CEP feels nothing but good vibes when he gets jambed by the doctor). Good luck.


    Long-Abused Celiac's picture

    I have had two colonoscopies, one in my twenties with no pain killer at all, one in my thirties with demerol. They found nothing in either except at the second one a redundant colon. Turns out I have celiac disease and no one found out. I found out at age 45 after so many years of disabling symptoms it wasn't funny--doctors were more worthless than snake oil salesmen. The Gastro office I went to before seeing an academic center staff was where they had you see a P.A. who knew less than nothing and belittled you in case you backed out of your colonoscopy due to their own ignorance of the prep and telling you to take a stool sample back to their office when in fact it went back to the lab(they deserve the stool sample shoved in their faces, damn incompetent lying kindergarten teacher mental heads).
    Now I am scheduled for a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy the same day. They had damn well better knock me the hell out completely, otherwise I will not be so tolerant as the dissatisfied nurse who posted here. Doctors are the moral equivalent of slime on the bottom of the ocean, and don't seem to care what is ailing you as long as it is not cancer or heart disease. If they study anything else I have had no evidence of it. Damn medical schools need the biggest ass reaming in their curricula of any ass-reaming event that was ever needed!! ; - 0 Have a happy, everyone!!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Anyone who thinks that colonoscopy is painless should stand outside of the room where they are done...many patients scream in pain and the GI people laugh because they say that the patient "won't remember a thing".....when did the doctors in this country start acting like nazis? Gastroenterologists: when sis you stop caring about patients in pain just because you think that amnesia drugs such as Versed will allow you to do quicker and more colonoscopies and to hell with the patients?

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Had a colonoscopy Tuesday, without anesthesia. Got to watch the whole ordeal on the monitor, even saw my own appedix. I didn't undergo the procedure awake because I wanted to, but becasue they couldn't find a vein to insert the juice to knock me out. But, now that I have done it, if
    I had to do it again, I'd do it awake. It's not that bad. Just a lot of uncomfortable pressure and intense cramping from the air used to inflate the colon. The polys they removed (yeah, doctor found two and burned them off) were of no consequence, never felt a thing. A big plus to doing it awake is, you get to go home right after the procedure, no recovery period waiting for the drugs to wear off. All in all, the worse part of the colonoscopy is the prep, PERIOD.

    anenoma history guy's picture

    GI Docs-why do you have such a hissy-fit when someone wants a colonoscopy without the dangerous and often unecessary "conscious sedation drugs"? Many sudies and been done on patients who had unsedated colonoscopy and reported the pain as only mildly uncomfortable and almost all would have the unsedated test again. The office nurses tell me it's for cost; you can do more tests (more quickly) with an imobile and amnesic patient that one who is awake. I am at very high risk and can't get the test done because everyone "insists" on sedation-which I can't amd won't do. So I guess I have to skip it.

    IBS Girl's picture

    I had a "Siggy" because of Irritable Bowel. Putting MORE air into an already SENSITIVE and IRRITABLE COLON SUCKS BIG TIME. The Dr. and Nurse thought I was crazy. Next time it will be the Colonoscopy and I will be KNOCKED OUT!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    They tell me I was a screamer during my first last week. Thank god the amnesia part is slowly working. During the procedure I dreamed I was being gutted or something like that. I was asleep/awake and dreaming I was screaming and yelling stop or kill me now.

    They had to terminate the procedure before it was complete because one patient in the next room stopped his procedure before they started after hearing me apparently.

    The nurse afterward was upset and told me I was unhurt but the Intern doing the procedure had only done 5 and was not very good. I DID NOT approve any trainees working on me. She was the one who demanded they stop or get an attending to finish up. - none available so now I get to repeat the prep and have a virtual. Thank God the memories are fading. She said only about 1 in 75 awaken during the procedure and have any pain - lucky me.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Has anyone had weekness and generally felt tired for several days after their colonoscopy?

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Yes, but I attribute this to the fact that I had developed separation anxiety with my proctologist.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    Spark's picture

    I had a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy on June 25th. The Versed they gave me had very little effect as I have a high tolerance to Valium. They took me into the procedure room and hooked up my IV. The doctor decided to use MAC monitored anesthetic care where they knock you out completely using Propofol. Thinking back on it, he probably did it to make the procedure easier for himself rather than me. No having to listen to moans and groans or dealing with the patient squirming around. I hear these procedures under conscious sedation can be very painful. But they want more people to go for the test so no matter were you read about it they always say that it’s “somewhat uncomfortable”. That’s why they use Versed. To wipe your memory of the procedure and the pain. It helps protect the doctor from being sued. They didn’t even warn me that they were about to knock me out. I was awake one second and then I was awakened by motion of the gurney. The nurse saw me open my eyes and said “the procedure is over and you’re in recovery.” Then she walked away. I felt like nothing had been done. No throat pain from the upper endoscopy in which they took one biopsy from my stomach and one in my duodenum. No pain in my butt area. No gas. No burping or bloating. No nothing. The only evidence that something had been gong on around my butt area was when I reached back there and felt some lube around my anus. The only thing I regret is not being conscious to witness the procedure on the monitor. I think I am going to ask for conscious sedation next time Without the Versed (they use it to wipe your memory). I don’t like the idea that I was completely gone for 45 minutes and feel as though I have been intimately violated.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    three-reiver endoscopy for colonoscopy is a joke..they like of overdose patients withj versed so that they won't remember anything.then they then hry try to tll you "how painless" it was BS.........go ot a university hospitaal with real doctors.......what a dangerous waste of time and their "nurse" almost killed me with the harmless "conscious sedation"

    Big Bob's picture

    My wife is "sleeping it off" right now from her second colonoscpy. Did her prep with all pills this time, apparently something new.

    She had it done at a large local hospital. Had to be there at 6 AM for 7:30 procedure. At 8:15 she was dressed and on the way out the door. Nurse said they did 50 a day. It was an assembly line. Tyson processes chickens slower than that place worked. Docs allow 15 minutes for each one. Is that a cash register I hear?

    Anonymous Confused's picture

    I had my colonoscopy on 1/27/09. Was totally out. Last thing I remembered, they put a mask over my nose and mouth and told me to breath deeply, then injected the anesthesia in my vein and I was out. Next thing I remember is waking in the recovery area. Before the proceedure, the nurse said this was the only place you would hear someone encourage you to "let er rip!" and you do! They only found one polyp and took care of that. I figured if that is all that developed in 56 years, I will make my next appointment in the next 56 years! Here is the problem: I was fine until a few days later I started having a hard time talking and could not sing worth a plug nickle. Of course my friends say I could not sing anyway! But seriously, it is like my vocal chords are damaged. In googling I found this usually happens when a tube is put down your throat. I did not think this happened, but called the butt doctor's office to verify. They said no, they had not put any tube down my throat, either for air or testing. Has anyone else experienced this? It is hanging on kinda long and has me worried. Could this be a reaction to the general anesthesia? BTW, I laughed until I cried at some of these comments on this site. I think this is good medicine!!!

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Its obvious that during your colonoscopy, the went for the upper G.I. as well, and even as far as a tonsiloscopy. Just have to push the thing a little harder and farther, is all. Did they remove your adenoids?

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    it could just be a coincidence that you picked up laryngitis in the hospidal.
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    Anonymous Confused's picture

    Bilgepump, The doc's office said they did not put any tube down my throat either for testing or air, etc. Don't know if they are lying or truthing, will have to dig further.

    Sittingpretty, Laryngitis is not something you pick up, but develope, like a side effect of a cold or flu and the like. I sure hope this wears off

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Confused (perfect moniker for this situation) I didn't say they stuck anything down your throat...I implied they shoved something up your ass, and kept going to its ultimate end. Now you can sign in as "Anonymous straightened out by the wise and ubiquitous Bilgepump"

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)