The Charmin Extender: Hold Those Big Rolls

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I would like to introduce the PoopReport community to an advancement that I think will revolutionize the way we think about toilet paper rolls.

On a recent trip to a popular, low-cost chain store that rhymes with "ball-mart," I ventured into the toilet paper aisle expecting what I always expected: gargantuan rolls of toilet paper for an affordable price that I couldn't use because they were too big for my standard roll holder.

Over the years, I have been dismayed by the fact that as toilet paper rolls got bigger, the standard roll holder remained the same. Have you ever bought a new "bigger and better" roll only to realize that it just barely fits in the holder? If you're like me, you can't afford to take time out of your day to break in a new roll. And what happens when the roll holder is compromised and jams up under the pressure that the new roll is exerting on its tiny frame? It's the same damn thing with hot dogs. You buy bigger and better hotdogs, only to realize that you just bought twelve and you can only buy buns in packs of eight! What kind of crap do they think they're pulling here?! You get screwed when you buy the hotdogs and then when you're crappin' them out, you're getting screwed because your roll holder is overextended!

The Charmin Extender. (Editor, please bold these words as they make me happy.)

Once I thought there were no good people left in the world. Now I know there is one company that is fighting for all our rights to have a roll and a roll holder created equally. The new Charmin Extender allows you to put a big roll in a small holder by extending the holder by half an inch. Half an inch! What this means to you and me is that we finally have the freedom to not fear the big roll.

Once, the big rolls were left to the specially trained, or those with specialized equipment designed to handle a full roll. Now anyone is able to enjoy the extra wiping power provided by the big rolls. Our butts have been opened to possibilities never before imaginable. Now, if you will excuse me -- I have a few dingleberries I am going to show who is boss, thanks to the extra wiping power of The Charmin Extender!

-- Stew Brown

Editor's note: Check it out -- Charmin is offering a free Charmin Extender on their site!

31 Comments on "The Charmin Extender: Hold Those Big Rolls"

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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Yeah, hot dogs are in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8... whatever, his point is still perfectly valid. I've had so many instances of toilet paper rolls bigger than my holder. They don't roll! They're awful. This extender is great.

Bunghole Delight's picture
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Hot dogs have never came in packs of twelve.

ParaPooper's picture
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Tx Stew, the extender idea is long overdue. But I am curious, how does the extender stay out straight from the wall? Doesn't gravity make it fall down and the roll the drag on the bottom half making a free spinning roll drag and rip before adequate TP is offered? Great Idea! Just not sure it is enough gap. I will get one for free from them and report back later.
Over and Out!

El Poopadore's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Speaking of ass wipe, has anyone else seen the new "Kandoo" brand of big kid baby wipes? The have a pic of a frog wiping it's ass on the front of the box. Guess everything sells better with demonstrative graphics.

Rectal Inversion's picture
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Now some little demon kid out there will catch a frog, then start wiping his ass! This will surely remove protective mucus from the frog's skin, possibly causing an infection and death.
Incidentally, this frog comment reminds me once I accidentally dropped a toad down near some of my plastic Army men. One with a rifle ended up puncturing the frogs throat, and later he died. I've been traumatized ever since..

ParaPooper's picture
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lol...I just went to the charmin link and signed up for the free extender and saw the "demo" clip on it. It shows baby bear sneaking out to go poo next to a tree down the path (he must be a shameful shitter if he has to sneak to poo in the middle of the night). The tree just happens to have a roll of TP on it (empty of course) and the little guy has to call out to his Mom for more TP. Mom is asleep down the patha nd wakes up and smiling widely, brings the smiling baby bear no less the 4 rolls of TP, which then are magically pressed into one roll and go on the holder with the help of the new "extender". A spellbinding story line and performance that will be up for an oscar I'm sure. The baby bear squats most perfectly behind the tree so as not to be seen pooing when Momma Bear hands him the new roll. He is smiling as he accepts the roll, so maybe he is not shameful shitter...A classic for poopreport though. Any other viewers of the clip?

Marcos's picture
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Hasn't this been around for years?

And what about the roll holder that releases a fresh scent with each tug?

I can only imagine the perks that a rich man would have in his can.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points
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Didn't you know? Rich people don't wipe their own butts. They have others do it for them. And they never use ordinary toilet paper. Perish the thought. How gauche. They use baby wipes only. Afterward, their cracks are sprayed with the scent-of-the-day.

the shitter's picture
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hot dogs are in packs of 8

El Poopadore's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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someone should collect all this stuff and make a prop-poo-ganda section for it

C Everett Poop's picture
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I want one of those industrial-sized units like you find in military latrines. You know the kind of toilet paper dispensers that you only have to refill once a year? The down side to that is that you can only fine one ply toilet paper, but hey - after being at sea long enough you kind of start to look forward to that kind of action.

Poop Diddy's picture
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I think this is made for the guys that hate going to the store to buy toilet paper.

The Amazing Anus's picture
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You guys are luckey, I don't even HAVE a rolley-thingy in my bathroom.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I never use the rolly thing anyway. I just stick the fucking toilet paper roll on the nearby bathroom counter and grab it when I need to wipe. Solves the whole problem.

Still, that wiper-extender thing looks pretty cool!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

anus's picture
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I don't use toilet paper. Bare hands work just fine.

Crapslikeclockwork's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Everytime I see Charmin I think "does a bear shit in the woods". I wonder if this is the idea behind the bear and why haven't more people got the joke?

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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I just bought a package of Kleenex extralagre rolls, wondering if they would fit.

I was thinking of modifying the TP holder. The Charmin TP extender is a much better idea.

Pebbly Poo's picture
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OMG, craps, I never even THOUGHT about the bear shitting in the woods angle of the Charmin commercials! That is so funny!

There was a night many years ago when an ex and I were visting a friend at his (unbeknownst to us) toilet-less cabin in the country. In the middle of the night (in the middle of our partying), the ex (Bobby) got the urge and then became aware of the cabin's lack of facilities... Undaunted, he made his way out among the trees surrounding the cabin and did his biz. As he emerged from them, I said, "Now we can answer questions in the affirmative by saying, 'Does Bobby shit in the woods?'"

Stew Brown's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear PoopReport Community,

It troubles my soul to the core that hot dogs don't come in 12 packs. Those piece of crap scumbags! How can they let this go on!!! Is there no end to their greed!!! They'll manipulate your minds until you believe that hot dogs and buns come in different quantity packs than is truly the case! It's maddening! At least now I can take solace in the fact that my rolls will no longer be hindered by oppressive capitalistic scum who thinks we should all have air conditioning and refrigerators!

Now if only someone would only open the bowl up to allow for larger discharge. Why do I have to be confined to a standard pipe! Plungers wouldn't even be necessary if some virtuous company would just allow for large loads. I say increase the pipe diameter by at least six inches. Let my feces flow freely!!!! We may lose small children and pets down the drain, but it would be a small sacrafice to what we are losing now... OUR FREEDOM!!!

The Dump King's picture
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Stew Brown, thank you for bringing such a wonderful invention to our attention. Have not, waste not! Now, I won't waste economy rolls that are too big for the roll. Now, if someone can make an extender for the plunger so we don't get crap on our hands when it gets clogged.. the world would be a better place.

Jobie's picture
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After reading and analyzing the aforementioned articles...I was quite astonished at how primitive the working class really is. Being of the Connecticut shipping industrial "Montgomery's" (Thank you), I find it much more convenient to have Native Americans wipe my ass after a good "vacancy". They are not only known for being alcoholics and construction workers, but also great at the art of wiping. Which brings me to the roll situation...I personally prefer to use garments from slave labor countries...it's important to remember that their dreams are important too...that's why I always look for the Guatamalan Label. Those poor Lutheran bitches.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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If the Charmin Bears were correctly depicted, they would be in tiny cages with pieces of their skin torn off for testing.

Fucking Charmin.

Nice toilet paper holder though.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Crappen Geocacher's picture
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funny stuff here, ive seen this charmin paper on my grocery shelves, but never bought it. I tend to keep my Toilet paper sitting on the potty, so it usually never sees the TP holder.

I suppose's picture
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the extender looks like the quintessential mis-engineered product. An add-on to top all add-ons.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Good story, Stew B.!

A couple years ago at a an Angels Baseball publicity event (cotton candy and batting cages in the Big A parking lot), my daughter walked up with a little stuffed bear.

I asked, "How did you win a bear?" She said, "I didn't. The people at the toilet paper booth are giving them away to kids."

Yes, Charmin was at the Angels' event, giving away shitty bears.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Hot dogs are in packs of 8; buns in packs of 12. Buy 3 packs of hot dogs, and 2 packs of buns, and not only will you come out even, but you will probably have one hell of a good story for PR!

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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I have reason to believe that the actual amount of TP is greatly overstated. If you look at a mega roll, it seems to be rolled looser than a smaller roll. The loose wrap allows the Bigger roll to look bigger than it actually is and thereby "justifying" the bigger expense.

saeslp's picture
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Yes, as ParaPooper (not verified) observed on 04.10.2005, gravity does make it fall down, and the roll drags on the bottom half, making a free spinning roll drag and rip before adequate TP is offered. I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this. Is there a way to keep the roll extended and free spinning?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I have solved the problem to my own satisfaction with two simple, money saving ploys; first I buy cheap Sam's Club paper, second...I don't put it on a dispenser but merely stack three rolls on a wooden holder that is on the floor next to my commode. Simplicity personified.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

cushytoosh's picture
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Well, it's time we all get a little smarter and start saying "See Ya Charmin and your Poopin Bears" :)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/45259663/eco-potty-wipes-40-super-soft-thick-rich

Now is the time to start thinking about all this "toxic waste" and how to reduce it. My tiny town where I was born and raised, Wilmington, IL is being blasted off the map by cancer clusters caused by toxic waste contaminations since the early 60's. It's no longer a choice of going green or being ecofriendly. It is becoming a matter of life or death. Now is almost too late but we have to try to get ahead of this toxic waste tornado to ensure the health of everyone and everything.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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I believe this is called the Mr. Whipple Device.