The Charmin Extender: Hold Those Big Rolls
I would like to introduce the PoopReport community to an advancement that I think will revolutionize the way we think about toilet paper rolls.
On a recent trip to a popular, low-cost chain store that rhymes with "ball-mart," I ventured into the toilet paper aisle expecting what I always expected: gargantuan rolls of toilet paper for an affordable price that I couldn't use because they were too big for my standard roll holder.
Over the years, I have been dismayed by the fact that as toilet paper rolls got bigger, the standard roll holder remained the same. Have you ever bought a new "bigger and better" roll only to realize that it just barely fits in the holder? If you're like me, you can't afford to take time out of your day to break in a new roll. And what happens when the roll holder is compromised and jams up under the pressure that the new roll is exerting on its tiny frame? It's the same damn thing with hot dogs. You buy bigger and better hotdogs, only to realize that you just bought twelve and you can only buy buns in packs of eight! What kind of crap do they think they're pulling here?! You get screwed when you buy the hotdogs and then when you're crappin' them out, you're getting screwed because your roll holder is overextended!
The Charmin Extender. (Editor, please bold these words as they make me happy.)
Once I thought there were no good people left in the world. Now I know there is one company that is fighting for all our rights to have a roll and a roll holder created equally. The new Charmin Extender allows you to put a big roll in a small holder by extending the holder by half an inch. Half an inch! What this means to you and me is that we finally have the freedom to not fear the big roll.
Once, the big rolls were left to the specially trained, or those with specialized equipment designed to handle a full roll. Now anyone is able to enjoy the extra wiping power provided by the big rolls. Our butts have been opened to possibilities never before imaginable. Now, if you will excuse me -- I have a few dingleberries I am going to show who is boss, thanks to the extra wiping power of The Charmin Extender!
-- Stew Brown
Editor's note: Check it out -- Charmin is offering a free Charmin Extender on their site!