The Final Wipe
I have always used good old American toilet paper to wipe my ass. Before my daughter was born eight years ago, I had probably never seen a baby wipe or a wet wipe, nor did I even much care that such a thing existed. Why would a grown man want to wipe his ass with a baby wipe, anyway?
I will admit that I have tried baby wipes in the recent past -- not only for cleanliness, but also for relief after pooping out a hot & spicy turd. It sure beats holding a cold wet washcloth on my bunghole.
Still, being that I am PoopReport's representative of the American archetype -- a 40-year-old man who doesn't dote over making sure his asshole is perfectly fresh and spotless after dropping a dookie -- the powers that be decided that I
The Final Wipe: your last word after your last turd.
was the best candidate to review a new wet-wipe product called The Final Wipe.
The Final Wipe is not packaged like your ordinary wet wipes. They come in little packets, like the wet naps they give you at restaurants with your hot wings or ribs. The Final Wipe costs about ten cents apiece -- $3 for a box of thirty. If you buy five boxes, you get a box free. While some wet wipes and baby wipes can't be flushed because they don't disintegrate and thus might block the pipes, I'm pleased The Final Wipe is flushable -- there is nothing worse than a stinky garbage can full of used chocolate wipes. Right now, The Final Wipe is only available online.
I didn't try The Final Wipe until three days after they were sent to me. I forgot to put them in the bathroom, so I was mid-shit on the pot when I remembered I had them.
I am not sure exactly why, but over the last few years I have been having trouble getting completely "clean" back there. I suspect it may have something to do with my bad back. A few years ago I pinched a nerve, and it was murder trying to stand up and reach back to wipe my crack. So I am overly cautious when wiping now; one wrong twist could lead to months of agonizing pain. Maybe that means I don't wipe hard enough to get fully clean; or maybe good old American toilet paper just smears poop in instead of removing it.
This first attempt with The Final Wipe was a true test of its cleaning power. I had just gotten out of the shower and was confronted with the urge to defecate. I hate it when that happens -- after a shower, I want my sparkling clean butthole to stay spotless. So after I finished my shit, I wiped with toilet paper and then walked my naked ass to my bedroom to get a few packets of The Final Wipe.
I will admit the packets are annoying to open and unfold. And worse, after wiping with the first wipe, it ripped and I ended up fingering my own asshole. I then opened and fumbled with the second wipe and used it. It made my crack squishy and it didn't dry in seconds, as advertised. I had to go into my bedroom and bend over in front of a fan.
My second experience with The Final Wipe was much more rewarding. It was late in the day. I had dropped several dumps throughout the day, finishing them all off with a paper-only wipe. My asshole was itchy and ripe, so I grabbed three packets and locked myself in my bathroom. I wiped my ass crack with all three -- and my asscrack felt great! The Final Wipe has a pleasant, almost lemon-like scent, which created a cooling sensation on my once uncomfortable ass.
I'm beginning to believe that wiping with dry paper just spreads poop up and down the ass crack. A wet wiping is needed for total cleanliness.
I have been using The Final Wipes sporadically, but always after a paper wipe. I have yet to go solo with The Final Wipe. I just can't get out of the habit of using paper. Wet wipes are more refreshing and efficient, but I don't know if I could ever use wet wipes exclusively. I guess "real men" don't use baby wipes. But maybe they should.