The Final Wipe

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I have always used good old American toilet paper to wipe my ass. Before my daughter was born eight years ago, I had probably never seen a baby wipe or a wet wipe, nor did I even much care that such a thing existed. Why would a grown man want to wipe his ass with a baby wipe, anyway?

I will admit that I have tried baby wipes in the recent past -- not only for cleanliness, but also for relief after pooping out a hot & spicy turd. It sure beats holding a cold wet washcloth on my bunghole.

Still, being that I am PoopReport's representative of the American archetype -- a 40-year-old man who doesn't dote over making sure his asshole is perfectly fresh and spotless after dropping a dookie -- the powers that be decided that I

The Final Wipe: your last word after your last turd.

was the best candidate to review a new wet-wipe product called The Final Wipe.

The Final Wipe is not packaged like your ordinary wet wipes. They come in little packets, like the wet naps they give you at restaurants with your hot wings or ribs. The Final Wipe costs about ten cents apiece -- $3 for a box of thirty. If you buy five boxes, you get a box free. While some wet wipes and baby wipes can't be flushed because they don't disintegrate and thus might block the pipes, I'm pleased The Final Wipe is flushable -- there is nothing worse than a stinky garbage can full of used chocolate wipes. Right now, The Final Wipe is only available online.

I didn't try The Final Wipe until three days after they were sent to me. I forgot to put them in the bathroom, so I was mid-shit on the pot when I remembered I had them.

I am not sure exactly why, but over the last few years I have been having trouble getting completely "clean" back there. I suspect it may have something to do with my bad back. A few years ago I pinched a nerve, and it was murder trying to stand up and reach back to wipe my crack. So I am overly cautious when wiping now; one wrong twist could lead to months of agonizing pain. Maybe that means I don't wipe hard enough to get fully clean; or maybe good old American toilet paper just smears poop in instead of removing it.

This first attempt with The Final Wipe was a true test of its cleaning power. I had just gotten out of the shower and was confronted with the urge to defecate. I hate it when that happens -- after a shower, I want my sparkling clean butthole to stay spotless. So after I finished my shit, I wiped with toilet paper and then walked my naked ass to my bedroom to get a few packets of The Final Wipe.

I will admit the packets are annoying to open and unfold. And worse, after wiping with the first wipe, it ripped and I ended up fingering my own asshole. I then opened and fumbled with the second wipe and used it. It made my crack squishy and it didn't dry in seconds, as advertised. I had to go into my bedroom and bend over in front of a fan.

My second experience with The Final Wipe was much more rewarding. It was late in the day. I had dropped several dumps throughout the day, finishing them all off with a paper-only wipe. My asshole was itchy and ripe, so I grabbed three packets and locked myself in my bathroom. I wiped my ass crack with all three -- and my asscrack felt great! The Final Wipe has a pleasant, almost lemon-like scent, which created a cooling sensation on my once uncomfortable ass.

I'm beginning to believe that wiping with dry paper just spreads poop up and down the ass crack. A wet wiping is needed for total cleanliness.

I have been using The Final Wipes sporadically, but always after a paper wipe. I have yet to go solo with The Final Wipe. I just can't get out of the habit of using paper. Wet wipes are more refreshing and efficient, but I don't know if I could ever use wet wipes exclusively. I guess "real men" don't use baby wipes. But maybe they should.

58 Comments on "The Final Wipe"

PoopIsMyFriend's picture

I've been getting some wipes from the local grocery store chain. They're a lot cheaper than those final wipes, and they're also flushable, and maybe not so flimsy.

The first time I used one it really surprised me. I had wiped pretty thoroughly, and when I used the wipe, I couldn't believe there was a sizeable brown stain there.

I never get brown stains in my boxers, so it must be that I'm getting this straight from the hole itself. If you haven't tried it, do it, you'll feel pretty damned clean afterwards.

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I like Cottonelle Fresh Folded Wipes as my "Final Wipe" after using TP.

They are flushable. And...

They are the official ass-wipe of the 2004 US Olympic Team!

Piece Out!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Hahaha! Doniker, I laughed so hard when I read about your first experience with these.

And, I think I told you that when I had my first back spasms ever last month that I had the same trouble. I had to learn to reach from the front for fear of being sent into waves of back pain. I am so glad that's over.

I think we have the Kleenex flushable wipes in the bathroom, because my husband is a non-looker. He would kill me if he knew I just wrote that.

I also agree that it's the only way to really clean your butt, but I have a question. Have you used other types of wipes? Are these the best ones? I am wondering if I should give them a try.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Byron "The Big Turd"'s picture

I've fnever actually thought of using a wipe for wiping myself. Figured they were for babies only I guess. I just abhor the idea of going around with a dirty ass though, so my first destination after my constitutional is the shower. I think that after reading this I might give the wipes a try. By the by I am new to the site and I absolutely love it. You goes Rock!

pooQueen's picture

See, now that's why I don't use those flushable wipes. I don't want to go around with a squishy-feeling cornhole. Those Final Wipes even say they dry immediatly but they don't, as Doniker attests. I'll stick to my cheap-ass Scott sandpaper.

PooperGal's picture

Sounds like "Final Wipe" isn't the right name for this product, if you need to use three of them to get the job done.

BlackCrackySon's picture

Doniker: Damn, Man! Get a grip, Son. Here's how it's done, Dude. First of all, you gotta squat atop the pot with one foot planted firmly on each side of the seat (I mean up on the seat itself in a squattin' position) and your bunghole aimed directly at the awaiting pool of plop-water.

After you have bombed the puddle with brown missles, hold your ball-sack up with your right hand, thoroughly mist your browneye with Windex (keep the bottle handy on the the back of the toilet) and then wipe clean with a Hefty brand paper towel. Squeeky clean! And no bust-throughs resulting in stanky finger or embarassing brown residue under the fingernails.

Fuck a bunch of wet wipes.

Peace in the Poopchute. TH.

a friend's picture

Don't worry toilet paper, you will always lick the crack of my ass out. I don't want any lemon smelling clothe going in my dirty ass when I am done taking a crap. I would much rather use toilet paper. I could care less how squeaky clean my crack gets, that is what underwear was made for. There are not too much of us guys who don't have skid marks. It is accepted by my underwear as natural every day stuff.

Fellow Pooper's picture

Yeah, you'll always need tp, but I must admit, I sometimes feel I can be a little cleaner, especially after a nasty case of the big D. I might give the final wipe a try.

Chip Brown's picture
Chip Brown's picture

Let me repeat..... I am shaking my head, logging off the internet and turning off the computer. Good night Irene.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Man, what a little bunch of toilet paper militants!!

I, too, hate squishy butt, but it's easier to have these around the house to "finish" what is a mess than to smell bad. Besides, you can always wait a minute before you pull your johns up to dry up.

And, I don't recommend Windex. Haha.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Uncle Chunk's picture

The only time I have ever used anything besides toilet paper in my home was when I ran out of TP. It was awful. I had to wipe with a wet washcloth. I threw it away afterwards. Even though it would be perfectly clean after a cycle in the washing machine, I would not be able to bring myself to dry my face with it. The wet washcloth also was very abrasive because of all the terry loops, and it felt much worse than the cheapest public restroom sandpaper available. I did feel very clean afterwards but I think TP does a much better job than these final wipe gadgets. I use a firm hand, apply moderate pressure, and wipe slowly but deliberately and I normally get it all on the first swipe.

Jack Scat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Looks like you got that colon massage Poonurse recommended after all, huh?

a young friend's picture

No matter how convincing some of this may sound, toilet paper will always go in my ass. I have always trusted that toilet paper will work hard to keep my crack nice and clean. That is what we buy it for!! The only other uses I can think toilet paper might get is maybe to clean my nose when I need it to as I am sitting on the toilet or wipe drippings off of my penis. Other than that, it is pretty much stuck with cleaning out the crack of my butt when I am through dumping, and besides, being only 25 yrs old and male, I would doubt that my butt is too harsh on the shit As far as I am concerned, there is no other choice than toilet paper for butt cleaning. In fact, I am going into the bathroom now and put a few wads to work.

twistedturd's picture

a young friend i feel sorry for ya about having to wipe drippings off your dick ya oughta have that cheked out

a young friend's picture

hey twistedturd...dumb,dumb...the toilet paper wipes pee drippings off of my dick and if I were toilet paper I do believe I would much more enjoy that area then being forced into licking the crack area of a guys butt to clean it out. Speaking for myself, I know I am not to gentle with it when I wipe my ass.

Bill Shannon's picture

Hi I usally just wipe with my bare hand and then use dial antibacteiral sopa to clense the pooh. It free and better yet, I'm in total control of the clensing

SFPooGuy's picture

The problem lies with the consistancy of the poop.

A nice, firm poo gets ejected and/or snapped off nicely by the sphincter with a single/double wipe sufficing.

A poo with a more muddy consistancy leaves residue not only on the buttcheek area it touches (resulting in the multiple wiping scenario) but also within the sphincter ring.

This "latent poop" within the sphincter ring is slowly but ineviably moved to the outside by natural contractions...Resulting in an irritation of the sensitive external anal tissue. (It's probably doing what it was evolved to do...Letting you know somthing isn't quite right down there.)

Your butthole is millions of years old. When it complains, clean it up!

Skid Marky Mark's picture

I know just what you mean about having to dump after showering--it's a disappointment! I think I might have to give this product a try.

On an unrelated note, has anyone else noticed the phenomenon of "deja poo"? It's when you take a dump, and then a little while later take the same dump again. Everything's the same: identical looking log--same shape, color, size, number of corn kernels--same stench, same number of farts preceding it, same number of wipes required, etc. It's weird. Just happened to me a few minutes ago.

Poop Patroller's picture

Skid Marky, I've NEVER had that happen, but it could be an interesting phenomenon.
Regarding the wipes, I would like to say I am loyal to T.P., but when 8 wipes does't yield total whiteness, I'll try anything.

hrs's picture

I put liquid soap on toilet paper, then use more toilet paper until all the soap is removed, and the paper is no longer brown. Repeat with soap if necessary. Hand soap has a consistency which will not shred toilet paper as water will do.

thomas's picture

Ifound the perfect cleaner for a sticky ass.
It is a Bottle brush the type used to clean inside
a baby bottle and Hydrogen Peroxide straight from the bottle.
Just have the bottle brush soaking in the peroxide
and when you need a clean feeling,pull the brush out and scrub your buns with the brush.
Your first trip down this path to cleaniness will feel like taking your ass to the "Moon" but after less than a minute your ass will be as clean as your glass windows and I might add so clean and sparkling that a blowing fan will help you cool off faster,then it pure enjoyment,no itch,no pain,
no mess and the bottle brush with it load of mud can be dropped back in the open cup of peroxide to sizzle it clean for the next time-A one quart bottle of hydrogen peroxide will last you about 60
scrubbings,leaving no smell behind!.
Sincerely: Thomas.

Jon Aaron's picture

I have used pretty much everything, orthodox and otherwise, to wipe my butt. Socks, newspapers, drywall tape, etc. And I have found the most effective and soothing wipe to be Wet Ones. Baby wipes do the trick, but I hate smelling like a baby. Plus, they come in a difficult to manage box. Wet Ones come in a pop-up cannister and are extremely portable. I would be willing to give these final wipes a try, but the single use packaging is a detterent. I normally require about three "final wipes" to achieve desired results.

bigdoodiehead's picture

Anyone who says they never have a problem wiping their ass is full of shit, literally!

bigdoodiehead's picture

Remember, stay with the 2-ply.

bigdoodiehead's picture

Anybody who says they never have a problem wiping their ass is full of shit, literally!

The Unsinkable Molly Brown's picture

As an occasional hemmorhoid sufferer, I use a number of methods to bring comfort to that region.

Tucks wipes are a useful size, and their packaging is easy to use. If the wipes dry out in their container, they can be "refreshed" with witch hazel.

Now that Johnson & Johnson baby oil comes in a lavendar scent, it is useful after cleansing oneself, and it seems that it makes the next cleansing incident "go" more comfortably and easily.

febreze butt cheeks's picture

I'm really annoyed when I have to take a poop w/o baby wipes. Toilet paper just doesn't do it for me. Although...I do indeed find Kleenex Cottonelle with Ripples sufficient for the 1st initial step. BUT it's only the beginning of my semi-complex bathroom pootie booty cleansing routine.

My husband & I prefer 'Huggies Supreme' baby wipes. Why this particular brand you may (or may not) ask?

1. They're "Ultra Thick"
2. The "Ripple-Soft Texture" is great for really muddy situations.
3. "Aloe & Vitamin E" are much appreciated for maintaining a non-itchy soothing (after poopage) effect. I believe your bum's appearance will improve with continual usage.
4. "Fresh Baby Scent" is enjoyable and not overwhelming.

I could go on & on. I'd recommend purchasing the "Reach-In" tub of 'Huggies Supreme' baby wipes and a refill pack. The refill pack is resealable. You can usually find the 216 wipes pack on sale at Target. It'll last forever.

Public Poops- I definitely despise pooping in public! Mainly due to my baby wipe habit, but I carry individually wrapped 'Massengill Everyday Fresh Soft Cloth Towelettes' in my handbag. Not my use cooterfunk (somewhat soapy) wipes on my pooper, but I'd rather have a semi-soapy 'ginaer wipes wiped butt vs. a poopie one. Ewww!

Also...I just have to say that my beloved husband has never EVER had skids in his boxer briefs. I'd freak if he ever did. Nah, I'd still love his skiddie butt. Oh & a whole lot of our family members + friends now keep (and use) butt wipes after enduring me yelling from their bathroom asking where to locate them. ;)

Mojo Boy's picture

One of the perils of aging is more body hair. The bunghole joins the other bodily orifices (nostrils, earholes) in this hideous overgrowth. All this new (old) asshole hair is a natural nesting place for dingle berries which, during the course of a busy day, melt when mixed a with sweat, creating an unpleasant and unattractive crotch odor.

Perhaps these liquid infused wipes are more economical than a "Brazilian Wax". My wife says she will divorce me if I go in for a Brazilian. Although I have seriously considered it for this very reason.

The "jump into the shower right after a dump" method touted by another retortiontist is both impractical from a scheduling standpoint and ineffective. I have often stepped out of such a shower only to leave a large brown stain on a freshly laundered bath towel after drying a supposedly whistle-clean poop chute!!!

anonymous coward's picture

Anyone use Scott TP, an economical alternative at 1000 sheets a roll and it doesn't leave dandruff on your anal hairs. I would recommend using a wipe with witch hazel in it and then follow with a dry non-dandruff toilet paper like Scott tissue. Does anyone agree. I'm a 37-year-old female who's very particular about my butt cleanliness.

A Dude's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I use Scott toilet paper all the time. It keeps my ass clean. Not too hard for the toilet to gulp down. As I am writing this, my friend is in taking a crap right now. Busy toilet around here. We need toilet paper that works for us.

I don't use toilet paper's picture

Now I've said it before and I'll say it again:
you all need to stop using toilet paper all together. Someone sold us on this and it does not work.

So here is the way you clean your ass:
(1) Train your body to do it's do first thing in the morning (stimulated with coffee as necessary).
(2) Move directly to the shower.
(3) Squat while the shower is running
(4) Spray (from the hand shower) on the part that most needs cleaning.
(5) Chase all those bits that tp won't every get anyway down the drain.
(6) complete your shower and be happy and clean.

young female who shouldn't be looking at a web site about cr's picture

WOW! What a great site! I love when people cut the crap and get down to the real nitty gritty. ANYWAY... how I found this page was by typing in TUCKS WIPES in a search engine. I just bought them today and I'm amazed at the cool, refreshing, and CLEAN feeling I've got down there. Sad to say I'm suffering (for the first time ever!!) from a nasty yeast infection that has made my skin in that whole underwear area look like diaper rash. My trusty Kleenex Cottonelle is making my buttcrack bleed and so I'm happy to say that I think this wet-wiping concept is GENIOUS!
As I was reading about the squirt bottle full of water idea, I remembered how spent the night at this Algerian girl's apartment in Paris once. Well I go in to use her toilet, and when I'm done doing my deed, I look and look and look and there's NO TP! I see towels everywhere, but then I look next to the toilet and I see a big bucket of water with a plastic cup floating in it. Well I manage to sneak the last Kleenex tissue out of my purse and use that (thank you for purses!). When I exit the strange bathroom I tell her that I noticed there was no TP. She says, "Oh, we're Algerian... we use water." Since that happened 3 years ago, I'm still trying to figure out how that works. I think I'm concluding that they just spread the cheeks real wide so there is minimal touchage, and then they pick up the cup and rinse off. I don't know... still sounds like a slimy situation.
Anyway, back to my original comments... try Tucks, they are NOT individually wrapped, but I found one or two does the trick and removes and brown residue.
Poop on! my fellow creppers!

still young female who shouldn't be looking...bla bla bla's picture

I forgot to mention what a GENIOUS invention the "landing pad" is. Have you people known about this your whole lives??? I was introduced to the concept about one year ago by the man that is now my husband... and I'm so glad that there is no more awkward "everyone is going to hear me flush twice to get rid of the skid marks!" Last time I stained the toilet at work and someone had took the brush out. So I looked around and saw nothing but toilet paper and the high heel shoes I was wearing. So... yup, I wrapped a wad of TP around my heel and wiped up the skid marks with that. I was thankful it worked and got me out of a "we know who was in here last..." situation.

Well I just wanted to praise the "landing pad" and was curious if everyone else has the same appreciation.

By the way... did I mention I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome??

briefboy's picture

Ok, here is my 2 cents, What are underwear for anyhow? My briefs make it into the washer at the end of the week dirty or undirty. Why bother taking extra time and buying extra products to get my hole clean shower fresh all the time? Most men do skid up undies , thats life... Clean your crack when you shower, and dont worry about your underwear.... thats its purpose in life.

I don't use toilet paper's picture

All things being equal, skid marks on the undwear
are insignificant in the great scheme of things.
However, this is actually not the entire story.
Incomplete asshole cleaning also leads to hygeine
problems which (in my opinion) irritates the
asshole significantly, perhaps irritating hemmorrhoids already present. TP rubbing the asshole repeadly causes irritation and bleeding particularly after a long wiper. With my technique, you can have a protracted case of
diarrhea without the subsequent irritation that
results. In fact, my technique actually works
better with semi-liquid do.
It took me almost 40 years to discover that life
does not need to be this miserable. A nice cleaning with a pulsating hand shower while squatting digs out almost all the internal do,
while also completely cleaning the external
region. Finally if these arguments are not enough,
think about the extra money that you will be able
to save simply by not buying TP anymore. I am
of the opinion that it is the TP makers that have
sold us on such an incomplete solution to
proper asshole cleaning. Ask yourself at the
end of your next long-wiper: how much money did
I spend to clean up and were the results
100% satisfactory? I know of no other product that
people buy that provides such little satisfaction
as TP. Of course, in the end, how you wipe your
ass is your own business, but imagine the reduced
medical bills that would result from widespread
use of my technique. I refer you to various
hemmorrhoid sites for further info here

Glad I'm Renting's picture

If only Final made an unscented wipe, for us girls. The few months I used Cottonelle [then Huggies Natural, when Cottonelle stopped making unscented wipes] as a monthly cyclical assist, ahem, were fantastic – as in fantasy. All these folks who rave about Cottonelle Flushable Wipes need to listen a little less to Kleenex marketing and heed your review, and common sense. I wish I had. If one's finger *doesn't* go right through a wipe like toilet paper, nothing else will either. If they're that tough after sitting in a box of mostly-water for however long their shelf-life, imagine how long they can sit in mostly-water in your brand new cast iron plumbing system. Don't worry about how long they'll sit in the sewer: they will likely find a juncture to pile up in, and not make it that far.

Anonymous Coward's picture all can't figure this out? To deal with the moisture problem, wipe as normal with TP, then use whatever moist cloth product you like, then one more wipe with TP, and you're both clean and dry. Pretty simple.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Have any of you folks tried sandpaper? It sure beats toilet paper.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Good Report. I use Kan-Doos. Carry them with me in a little ziploc bag. They are flushable.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

doniker - "I then opened and fumbled with the second wipe and used it. It made my crack squishy and it didn't dry in seconds, as advertised. I had to go into my bedroom and bend over in front of a fan." Just be careful man, that's one kind of fan club you don't want to get too up close and personal with.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

This is perfect for those of us with hairy asses who dont always get completely clean back there. That is a mighty fine invention there. KUDOS to the inventor.
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


Shitman's picture

Sometimes you just have to hang your ass over the side of the tub and set the shower massage to full blast.

Crack Packer's picture

I'm relieved to learn that I'm not the only one with 'squishy ass'.

Thanks to some advise from the great Kathy Griffen, I've found a new use for TP: I use it to pack my ass.

You see, I ride the bus and used to think it was only the larger people who left the crack sweat on the seat. Then one day I was mortified when I got up and didn't even feel hot, and noticed the streak I left behind.

So after that I would sort of squirm around to wipe any residue on to my pants, to avoid seeing the disgusted looks on people's faces as they would continue standing, rather than take my freshly vacated seat.

I now pack in the morning. I feel confident when I stand up to exit the bus. When I get to work, I remove the rope from my crack...

It's one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I have used Prep H brand wipes, and one other as well; not recently, but years ago. I liked them as a final wipe, but now I do it another way: On the last fold of toilet paper I place a bit of Noxzema or the equivalent and wipe with that. It feels good, even slides up the anal canal to clean up there, and if it comes away with some brown left, I simply wipe again. It's cheaper than wetwipes, because a jar of Noxzema lasts about a year. The only drawback is occasional finger penetration; in that case I wash hands extra well.

Major Poopage's picture

Wow, i usually just use water after about one pass with toilet paper, apply soap and water scrub it all out. Rinse...dry...wash hands with soap and water to finish it all off.. Warm water, and public pooping is avoided like the plague if at all possible...Hygiene is serious business and everyone needs a clean body, even their poop shoots should be clean. I have been looking for wipes or something to carry around so i could clean myself if ever i have to pinch a fat one off in a public toilet. I can rest assured knowing ill be clean and fresh afterwards using these great products.

bigmoe's picture

Almost all of the moist butt wipe products are too wet, I've been using Cottonelle wet wipes and they do the job but they are kind of a soggy mess. Recently I was in Europe and I got a case of the itchy mud butt while walking around Barcelona. I went into a drugstore and asked for wet wipes, they only had baby wipes, I said OK, whatever, man they were the greatest, nice soft texture, light baby powder smell, not too thick but sturdy and just the right amount of moisture. I wonder where I can get some like those in the States.

sorazzole's picture

why not just use a corncob, they work great! and fuck flusing, rinse and reuse!

sparkley clean ahole's picture

My man told me he heard about babywipes on a radio talk show and he was going to buy some. Umm k why? Hemmoroids, infection, doo-skids? he couldn't really answer me ..just saying they said it's good to keep "it" clean. yaa. I'm still not i feel jealous. Maybe it's a fetish and the cool wetness feels fucking good on his asshole? we never have maybe this is his sex toy? Thoughts? It's just weird for a 57- year old man to do this?

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