It's holiday time again, and unlike most members of your family, we PoopReporters aren't that hard to shop for.

Sometimes, the fact that I'm shilling a particular product may seem ethically suspect. So I've identified most of the conflicts of interest.

NATURE'S PLATFORM This year, give the gift that keeps on giving: a healthy colon. In case you didn't know, we Americans crap wrong. You're supposed to squat, not sit -- when you sit, your colon gets all bent up and shit gets stuck in the corners. And that causes all sorts of serious health problems. The remedy is easy: turn your sitter into a squatter with Nature's Platform PRICE: $85 KICKBACK WATCH: None, but I'm posting this to appease Nature's Platform's inventor Jonathan Isbit, who has repeatedly chastised me for not taking this epidemic serious enough.

FLATULINA'S FABULOUS HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR At first, Flatulina's album is just a fun collection of popular Christmas tunes with fart noises carrying the melodies. Fun for the whole family. But then you put the CD in your computer, and you enter the world of Flatulina: gorgeous. Stunning. Silky white hair like an angel's halo. A diva who has taught a fish to sing. A brave pioneer who has turned her chronic hypergastroplosia into a gift for all humanity. A woman who will entrance you with her flatual prowess, and make you fall in love. PRICE: $12.50 KICKBACK WATCH: None, but after experiencing her CD, I'm in love with the Fabulous Flatulina, and hope desperately to curry her favor.

GOBIDET Readers of PoopReport know that a good buttsink is akin to Heaven. It's pure bliss, for women AND men. Our buttsink brand of choice is GoBidet. Pretty easy to set up, it fits right over your existing toilet seat -- you don't need to remodel your bathroom to enjoy the wonder of angelically warm water cleansing the scorched folds of your burning anus. PRICE: $104 for the hot & cold model, $99 for cold only KICKBACK WATCH: None, but Eric from the GoBidet company offered a $10 discount for PoopReport readers when we ran our review. I don't know if the offer still stands, but it wouldn't hurt to ask... (phone orders only, probably)

THE HUMANURE HANDBOOK If civilization were to end tomorrow, we'd find ourselves overflowing with shit two weeks later. What humanity needs is to learn how to use our shit effectively. None of this flushing nonsense -- we should all be composting our crap, learning how to return it to the land from which it came. Your bean burrito is part of nature's cycle. With The Humanure Handbook, you can complete the circle, and use your waste for the benefit of generations to come. PRICE: $13.30 KICKBACK WATCH: I'm an "Amazon Associate," so Amazon.com will hook me up with a shiny penny (or so) for every sale I refer to them. I'm rich!

TURD TWISTER Why flush your poop when there's so much more to do with it? In the spirit of recycling, there's The Turd Twister. Basically, you stick this thing up your butt and poop through a mold. Great fun for children of all ages! PRICE: $12.95 KICKBACK WATCH: None, although Turd Twister was nice enough to sponser a PoopReport contest a few months ago.

SHITBEGONE BRAND TOILET PAPER Most toilet paper companies entice you with images of clouds and teddy bears and other nonsense completely irrelevant to the reason you buy their product. Not ShitBeGone. With them, it's very simple: you use their product to wipe away your shit. PRICE: $44.99 for 96 rolls KICKBACK WATCH: None, although ShitBegone's creator liked PoopReport's interview with him so much he linked to it on his web site.

ULTIMATE CLEANSE For the PoopReporter who has it all: a colon blow. They'll fall in love with poop all over again after the joy of dropping a twisted black two-foot-long cable. Ultimate Cleanse is for colon health, but it's also for entertainment (in my opinion, anyway). If you have a low fiber diet, the things this stuff will do to you... whee! PRICE: $39.99 KICKBACK WATCH: None. They're simply a good product.

THE BEST AMERICAN SHIT STORIES Until PoopReport comes out with a book of our own, we'll have to make do with The Best American Shit Stories, compiled by Michael Weiss. As you might guess, it's a book of shit stories, and shit stories are always fun. I especially like it because they mention PoopReport in the acknowledgments. PRICE: $10.95 KICKBACK WATCH: Buy enough of thse books and Amazon.com will buy me a Segway.

SPHINCTERINE The problem with poop is the smell -- few people enjoy the smell of a raw ass, especially on someone else. Problem solved. Sphicterine "contains aloe and other natural ingredients to cleanse and refresh." Just spritz it on, and voila!. PRICE: $12.99 KICKBACK WATCH: None, but the guy who runs Sphincterine is sending me a free bottle to review. I can't wait!

STUMP: REGRESSIVE MANURE METAL With a site full of close-ups of shit, the Indiana band Stump features songs like "Anally Induced Feedbag" and "Hook, Line, and Stinker." This music probably isn't for kids. Their website certainly isn't. PRICE: $10 at Necroharmonic.com KICKBACK WATCH: None, but they've sent ÜberPooper Chip Brown a copy, and he'll be writing a review soon.

BUTT PRINT ART Finally, for the highbrow Pooper, we have the art of Stan Murmur. He dips his butt in paint, and... According to his site, he doesn't currently have anything for sale, but you should write to him anyway. He's an artist, after all, and artists need patrons... PRICE: probably varies per piece KICKBACK WATCH: None, although I wish, I wish, I wish I owned a Stan Murmur of my own...

Need more? Check out PoopReport's 2001 gift ideas.

Also, your loyal webmaster, the man who spends three hours a day updating this site when he should be looking for a job, is unemployed. Feel free to get him a gift. He would love a Playstation II... or some Buttart...