I recently had the pleasure to make the acquaintance of Greta Garbage, an author whose expertise is right up PoopReport's alley. She's written a book collecting disgusting stories from across the globe, and she was kind enough to provide an excerpt that we fecephiles might be interested in. Her book is called That's Disgusting: An Adult Guide to What's Gross, Tasteless, Rude, Crude & Lewd.

Shit Assaults and Lawsuits

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's oh my God! There have been several instances when the friendly skies turned into the fecal skies, as green or blue icy chunks of shit fell from airplane toilets onto houses below. (Happily, no head's yet.)

In 1992, one frozen shit block crashed through the roof into a family's living room. When they called the authorities, they were told to store the waste in their freezer until someone could come and pick it up.

A turbulent topic is those who shit in the airplane itself. In 1996, a previously respectable businessman became so intoxicated on a flight that he got up on top of the first-class serving cart and chucked a turd right on it. Not quite finished, he then wiped himself with the first-class linens. Later, he had to hire one of New York's most expensive lawyers to defend him. (It must have been when he saw his bill that he really shit.)

PLANE DISGUSTING: In a later incident of air rage, a man flying from Germany to Philadelphia also went berserk. He not only kicked the seat of a pregnant woman so hard that she almost had a miscarriage, but he urinated in the aisle, and then into a condom.

The Mad Shitter, as he came to be called, made his protests known in a crappy way. He defecated in books about the United Nations or gay issues, leaving them in aisles for horrified people to encounter throughout libraries in Ohio. It was three years before he was finally caught. Oddly enough, he turned out to be the owner of a Catholic bookshop.

HERE'S MUCK IN YOUR EYE: People who work in prisons frequently have to deal with inmates peeing, cuming, or spitting on the food. Or worse. Some prisoners throw a "correctional cocktail," a mixture of feces and urine, at the correction officers. (In the age of AIDS, this can be dangerous as well as disgusting to the recipient.)

In God of the Rodeo, the author described a prisoner who lined his toilet with paper, then mashed and stirred the stool in a cup of water before dousing his favorite guards. This was also called "shitting them down."

Wrestlers are another group known for their earthy ways. Indeed, some of those extremely corpulent sumo wrestlers have their apprentices wipe their asses because they can't reach them.

Another way some wrestlers live up to their image as unrefined (besides becoming governors): they "welcome" a new wrestler in their midst by shitting in the new wrestler's gym bag.

A story is told of a new wrestler who didn't like this game. So when he found a little present in his gym bag, he pulled out a nugget, smeared it under his armpits, put the perpetrator in a headlock, and just held him there for a while. He let the man go in time for him to vomit.

DON'T CRY OVER SPILLED PISS: Another "joke," revealed by a man who claims that he's done it, is to take some dog poo in the winter and place a few frozen bits of turd in the air intake of someone's car. After a few miles, when the turds soften, the smell can drive people crazy, especially since they don't know where it's coming from. (A similar prank is to smear limburger cheese on their radiators.)

Teachers sometimes have to endure a lot of crap from students. Therefore, no one doubted a teacher in California when she said four of her students had thrown real crap on her. She became quite the hit on national talk shows, reveling in the story of the vicious quartet who'd thrown buckets of feces and urine on her. She even passed a lie detector test, although knowledgeable people know that those too are crap. Her story was questioned only when it came out that the feces were on the insides of her clothes. It turned out that she had soiled herself and blamed it on her students.

HERE SHE CRAPS... MISS AMERICA? One of the most famous people suspected to have used feces against a rival was a former Miss America. Shana Alexander, in her book When She Was Bad, told a long-whispered story about a famous former Miss America who lost her lover to another woman. The beauty queen relentlessly harassed the man and his new girlfriend for months. On two occasions, the man received a box of human excrement, once in an elegant Bonwit Teller box. Even worse, it was left outside his suite at the Carlyle Hotel. When the boyfriend accused her of doing it, her response was not a shocked denial, but a sarcastic, "Oh, sure."

So many deaths have been reported after people fall into various types of animal or human waste that it doesn't pay to describe any. But Reuters reported the particularly disturbing death of a teenager in a military-style Arizona boot camp after he was forced to do push-ups over a pail of excrement so that his head repeatedly dipped into the bucket.

You don't read about this in the crime reports in your local newspaper, but the police sometimes find feces er, left behind, at homes that have been burglarized. These appear to be a way for the thieves to say "up yours," or, more accurately in these cases what was, "up mine."

In one famous case several years ago, in Liverpool, England, a series of burglaries were committed by a gang of thieves. But one of them left something on the dressing table that convicted him. The thief left a stool sample with his thumb print on it.

On the lighter side: Ordure in the court! A Sri Lankan who was about to go into the witness box took out a bag of shit he had sneaked into his pocket, and threw it at a policeman. Instead, it hit, well, you get the drift. So did the reporters, who were thrilled that they could finally legitimately use the headline "Shit Hits the Fan."

Editor's note: This passage is reprinted with permission from the author. Hey, buy her book! And visit her website!