Maaaaan... I never realized hemorrhoids were such hell! ugh... Poonurse, best story I've read so far since I've lurked around. Your metaphors almost got ME to feel the pain! Uh.. what can I say.. you have my respect. I'm glad that ordeal is over for you.
Anyway... I had some dental surgery back in September (for implants) - they had to drill up my jawbone for that (I'm NOT trying to compare it to what you described above) - and I was prescribed percocet for when the anesthetic had wore off. Out of curiosity, I tried not to take them just to see how bad the pain would be -- it was really bad (the worst pain I ever experienced, I think) - so I popped 2 pills and it was gone completely in like 45 min (my dentist said that was the strongest prescription stuff they had) -- I'm trying to imagine what kind of pain someone must be in for percocet not to work. Daaaaamn!..

P.S. - Judging from the story, Mr. Poonurse = asshole! Is it really possible for 2 people to get used to each other so much that one of them can be so indifferent to another's agony??.. (forgive me i'm young) heh...

Excellent recollection of your agony, Poonurse. This was a great and informative read. I love how you don't bullshit - you tell it like it is.

Shit Vol--
He is not completely indifferent to my agony. He ENJOYS it.

Thanks for your kind comments. I am afraid I am running out of horrifying poop stories, though. I have other horrifying stories, but they involve other stuff.

Poonurse, you are the strongest woman I've ever heard of. Nothing kills you, girl! Bring on every horrifying story that you have time to type out for us, poop related or not.

Your husband sounds like he should be in the military. He sounds like a great deal of husbands I see around here, oh, wait, I don't live on post anymore because of things like this.
Anyway, sorry about your bum. Truly. I have a few bum ball from childbirth myself, and I wonder how it would feel to be in your shoes.
My advice to you, dear female colleague of the poop report? Let Mr. Poonurse get some black balls of his own on the front. Or, maybe blue. Then, tell him "QUIT YOUR FREAKIN' WHININ' ABOUT YOUR BLUE BALLS."
Hey, wait a minute, you are a nurse, so why aren't you having naughty fun with those stool softeners in his morning coffee?
We love you, Poonurse.

Ping Pong balls aren't small. You had these things hanging out of your ass for twenty years?! I once let a pretty bad in-grown toenail fester for a year but Poonurse, ping pong balls hanging out of your ass for twenty years... (Did they make bulges in your underwear?
Well we're all glad, I am sure, that you are better now.
...twenty years...ping pong balls...ass...ugh

your story and you remind my of my wife and her ass problems.
she had 4 anal fissure operations during a 6 month period and had infections that wouldn't go away, as well as hemmeriods and IBS.
A different doctor said she had Crohn's.

I want her to write her story for Poopreport but she is short on time (I need her to work and support me and the family since I lost my job)

1 other thing in reference to the ping pong ball sized hemmeriods...

I had a friend who let his hemmeriods go for years and he mooned us once when we were all drunk; it looked like a 4 inch red penis growing out of his asshole!!! no joke !!

Damn....
You are an inspiration to me, m'aam.

I agree with daphne on the stool softeners. Or you could just curse Mr. Poonurse to eternal diarrhea. (But as a nurse you can probably think of something much worse and more evil.)

Anyway, I'm very glad I don't get hemerroids. (So far.) Especially not ones that awful. Damn, I can't even imagine!

I love your stories. They put me on the floor. But I'm also scared to death. After all the horror stories I've heard about having kids (giant poo balls, monster hemmeroids) I have second thoughts!

TSV, having kids isn't all about the horrors of hemmerhoids and poo balls... there's also the glamour of leaky boobs, a saggy stomach after birth, endless sleepless nights and piles of shitty diapers. No job is more rewarding!

Poonurse, you are an inspiration. You have to be the toughest person alive. Cancer AND horrible 'hroids?

BTW, I have to agree with previous comments on Mr. Poonurse's character. What a shithead. You deserve better.

Ok, lets have a contest then--FIND A NEW MR. POONURSE!!!!

does this story seem fake to anyone else???
sorry about your job situation dumbiker

uh, no it doesn't. it's just you.

The story doesn't seem fake, but you do. :)

Oh, God!

I had no idea piles could be so horrible.
How many days was it before you stopped being in pain?

And in case any of us ever need to get ass surgery, Poo Nurse, what would you recommend we demand from the doc by way of pre-and post operative care and at home pain management?

BTW did you have to take stool softeners to prevent any fresh killer turd from ripping you on the way out? We have a Poopreporter named GRas who has to take heavy doses of narcotics for a chronic pain problem and he suffers from rock hard turds.

And Ive read horror stories about anal fissures. All too often, they co-exist with piles.

For a story about anal fissure hell, this is a classic. I've posted it before but its worth a repeat for new visitors to PR.com

http://www.zug.com/scrawl/analbob/

Someone who endured a rectal horror experience described his woes on Craigslist.

To console him I referred him to this story. He wrote back:

Disgusting
Sick
Pathetic

THANK YOU!!!

Made my day.

I read all about Bob the Anal Fissure. Man, I've had a few fissures but I guess I didn't let mine go as long because I sure as hell didn't need a thermos up my ass to get better. I still don't quite understand how stretching the hell out of an already tortured anus brings about any kind of relief or cure. The fact that all of this was happening in another country made me pity the author even more. How can our assholes be our friends sometimes and then turn against us so cold heartedly?

hahahahahahhahaa

One of my best friends had her hemmorhoids removed at Ireland Hospital in Fort Knox, and Oh My God, someone pulled the fire alarm as her surgery was winding down, I am so not kidding.
She had to get into a wheelchair and be wheeled outside by another poonurse and sit there with a bunch of people while she had her business covered with nothing but a great big blankie, her 'rhoids all freshly cut and all.
I just can't imagine.

Oh yeah, contest for new Mr. Poonurse, or howabout most creative way to get laxatives into Mr. Poonurse?

Poonurse for president.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that but I am happy for your loss. Just reading it made my ass hurt.

Poonurse is my favorite writer on this site. I just wish she didn't have to suffer for all that art.

P'nurse, if you ever decide to switch careers to one where you can sit, you have the talent and skills to be one hell of a good writer. You could write some amazing books of short stories, or a plethora of novels.

I admire your ability to deal with such painful - physically and emotionally - issues as cancer, surgery and pain - using humor. If writing is therapy, I hope that this is giving you a therapeutic place to vent.

poopergal et al--thanks for the encouragement--I needed it today. It would be a dream come true to try writing. Maybe I will someday.

In the meantime, there's always poop.

Is it really possible to have hemmorhoids that are THAT BIG? I mean, two inch to four inch?
I know that, someday, after having 2 nine pound bowling balls I will have the same procedure, but mine, are like, miniature m and m size, and I will freak out the moment they get larger.
It just finally hit me, can you moon someone, like in the Donniker case, and leave a 2 inch wonder for all the world to see and not take care of it?
Man, and half of these people probably get their nails done as soon as a single hangnail comes around, but their bungholes?
Strange but true.
I still say,,,,,,,,,,,,
POONURSE FOR PRESIDENT.

(the people for the election of poonurse for president, paid for by, well, shit, no one!)

Without getting too graphic, my nether regions remain deformed to this day from the surgery. Sigh. I guess Hustler won't be calling anytime soon.

Or, on second thought, maybe they will. A double mastectomy patient with deformed privates?
I can name the price!

An acquaintance had the same severe 'roids as you, Poonurse, and his description of the postsurgical pain was just about identical to yours. The words "like shitting razor wire" were mentioned many times.

I can understand that the fear of surgery is so great that a person will walk around with a severe infection, 'roids the size of rhino balls, or other terrible affliction until he or she absolutely can't bear it anymore.

I had to have emergency surgery for a detached retina, years ago, and didn't have time to think about it. It was either get to the surgeon within 48 hours, or be blind in that eye for the rest of my life. The surgery took 3 hours (I was awake the whole time...). The 24 hours after the painkiller wore off felt like I was sitting around with an ice pick in my eye socket. Even with drugs. But, I'm glad I did the surgery because it's much better putting up with temporary pain, even terrible pain, than losing an eye.

'Roids aren't as urgent, but the downside of that is we can walk around with bad ones for a long time before doing anything to fix them.

As for selling your museum-quality physique to Hustler, you're too good for them regardless of what they'd pay. Anyway, the work you do as a nurse is too important to take time off for photo ops.

PooperGal, Ow! My eye hurts just thinking about that!!!

Sorry, TSV. Didn't mean to be so descriptive. Going through the operation did suck, but the outcome was good: my eye was saved. It's pretty obvious that Poonurse has gone through hell more than once, but the outcome is she is alive, 'roid- and cancer-free, and with us today to share her advice on matters of the bowel and hilarious stories of poop on the job. We can all say a prayer of thanks for that.

I agree, PooperGal. I am glad poonurse is here to share these funny stories. Add a prayer for my sister's best friend who found out she might have cervical cancer. Hopefully she's still here to tell her funny poop stories. She has two small children, so I'm sure there's some pretty good ones.

I'm a photographer and site is important. If I had been in your situation I would have gone in for the eye surgery, too. But still. Yah! I get the chills from descriptions of laser surgery much less having to go through something like that. I feel for you! And you, too, poonurse!

Go poonurse!

Surgery doesn't hurt a bit. It's afterward when the anaesthetic wears off that sucks. lol

I will say a prayer for your sister's friend. I hope she gets better news very soon.

Thanks, PooperGal. We're all sending energy her way.
Anyway, I understand about the surgery. My mom had open heart surgery about four years ago and they cracked her chest. I spent the next few nights with her after she was released (on September 11th, no less!) and she refused to take the pain killers the doctor prescribed.
It seems a little ridiculous now but one night I woke up to her screaming for help. She had gotten herself stuck in the couch and the pain prevented her from moving. Ugh!

Update on my sister's friend. Her test was a misdiagnosis and there is nothing wrong with her. Doctors! (groan)

That's great news. I'm glad your sister is fine.
But, the doctors need to be dope slapped for putting your sister and her family and friends through that anxiety.

Oops
I meant your sister's friend, not your sister. But I'm glad she's fine, too!

Damn. You must be some kind of masochist. 20 years? I've just started having problems with hemmorhoids - which is what brought me to this sight - and I'm already in some serious misery.

If I had hemorrhoids the size of ping-pong balls, I'd be at the doctors office ASAP. How could you work for so many years as a nurse having hemorrhoids that big?!
You poor woman. You have suffered much.

How in the world did you stand the pain for so long? You must be a real trooper.

About a year ago, I had hemorrhoids the size of a grain of rice. Everytime a turd would scrape past them, I would just cringe. Eventually, the pain got so bad, I could not poop anymore, I would have to manually disimpact.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

You are one tough lady. Men do not understand female plumbing malfunctions and what's more they don't want to; but let them get a hang nail. My hat is off to you.

how, i cant believe that. im so sorry you had to go through that pain. honestly i dont think i had ever been in that sort of pain before but i can begin to imagine. im also sorry to say that the MR. is an ass. how could he not be more sensitive? for crying out loud his wife is in pain and he's watching the game? wow!!! i give you props for posting your story. many people would be embarrassed if this happened to them. take care, and i hope all goes well for you in the future.

Damn. I mean Shit. I have had them for years now. They are starting to bleed and feel like Razor blades. They are inside and out. My lower stomach hurts now amd I am wondering how big the inside ones really are. My brother got his procedure done years ago and The pain is unimaginable. I am scared to frickin death and Guess it is time to do something, only my car wont go in in REVERSE and now the inspection is up. Wish me luck
AA

I don't ever want to have this happen.
Producing waste since 1967

Went in for fistulotomy, came out with hemmorhoidectomy too. In extreme pain even with Loratab. Allergic to first 2 meds. Have pooped 1.3 times... difficult to differentiate need to "go" and swelling .... when will the worst of it subside? I am day #5 post-op. Thankfully kids are in school during day, finally getting SOME sleep with new meds. PLEASE tell me this H*LL will get better. Seeing dr tomorrow. Afraid to eat food, drinking mostly water & gatorade, have had mashed potatoes and oatmeal too. I had no idea .... ouchhhhhhhhhhhh (worse than childbirth & tonsilectomy combined)