The Greatest Poop Stories Never Written

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Promises, promises. "Gee Dave, I love your poop site, I want to write a story about such and such!"
If I had a nickel for every great idea that never materialized, I'd be able to buy one of those solid-gold
toilets
.

Alas, I have grown used to empty promises and broken dreams. But in the midst of shattered
friendships and tattered hopes, there are some great story ideas. And although they may never see the light of day, perhaps
you can glean a modicum of entertainment from the basic premises...




Pee-er Pressure





------ proposed by Kristin.

Everyone knows this scene: you're at a bar, or a restaurant, or a funeral, or anywhere else people get
together. One girl gets up and says, "I have to go pee." She looks around expectantly, and suddenly
all the girls in the group are tromping off towards the loo.

Now, I don't pretend to know what they do in there (although I have all sorts of fantasies). Kristin
says they take turns peeing. Apparently, they all crowd around the toilet, and one after another, hop
on, do their business, and hop off.

But what happens when you sit on the john and, while the crowd fidgets anxiously, nothing
happens? This is pee-er pressure -- a girl's worst nightmare.




Pooping In Sync





------ proposed by Tim.

It's been well documented how girls living together magically sync up their monthly cycles. Our good
buddy Tim has a similar theory about guys: that the longer guys live together, the more their daily
poo cycles will start to converge. Imagine this happening on an episode of the Real World. Hilarity!




Peeing While Standing





------ proposed by Melissa.

We've all laughed at girls standing in long bathroom lines as we fellas saunter in, do our business,
and saunter out. But this archaic practice, this pre-Title IX anachronism, is about to come to an
end. Because girls everywhere are starting to pee standing
up
.

Can you imagine your girlfriend or mother peeing into the trough at the stadium? It boggles the mind. Nevertheless, Melissa
was determined to try it out.




An Evening at the Marcal Toilet Paper Factory





------ proposed by Dave (yes, I'm guilty too).

Fans of The World's Most Comprehensive Survey of Toilet Paper Brands know
that Marcal Toilet Paper scores consitently low in the ratings. It seems that if they had their way, everyone would wipe their
ass with gravel.

The Marcal manufacturing facilities are located in Eastern New Jersey, about 15 minutes away from New
York City. The PoopReport team wants to see first hand how their product is made.

At the Coca-Cola Museum in Atlanta, they let you sample every brand of soda produced by Coke or Coke
subsidiaries worldwide. Does the Marcal factory do the same thing? I picture special bathroom stalls for the tourists, each
stall with ten or fifteen different toilet paper dispensers...




Wiping with Nappy-Wipes





------ proposed by Ryan

My friend Steve's friend Ryan wipes his ass with nappy wipes. You know, "moist towelletes." What is
the deal with that? Ryan swears it has conventional toilet paper beat by miles. And Ryan promised
he'd tell us all about it...




The Toilets of Thailand





------ proposed by Jason.

After a recent visit to Thailand, Jason swore he'd give us the inside dope about how they poop over
there. It's weird, he assured me. I believe him. After all, I've eaten Thai curry -- they must have
incredible bathrooms over there to deal with an entire population that eats Thai food every day.




The Toilets of Europe





------ proposed by Gabe.

euro star toilet

PoopReport's favorite expatriate Gabe promised he'd write all about the toilets he encountered while
living in Italy for a year. He even went as far as to send in a picture of a toilet he encountered on
the Eurorail. But as far as actually writing the story... hmmm...




The Toilets of a Failed Dotcom





------ proposed by Jeff.

Jeff recently had the (mis)fortune to work at a high-profile dotcom as it tanked. Since he was
working in the accounting department, he got to come to work for a few days after everyone else got
laid off. So imagine the transition he witnessed. One day, he was sharing the toilet with hundreds of
co-workers. The next day, he practically had every bathroom in the joint to himself.

A private bathroom... it's every office drone's dream. But was it truly as wonderful as it should have
been? Perhaps there's something about knowing your ass is indirectly touching the ass of every single
coworker to build camaraderie and love among the fellow poopers... perhaps shared toilets have a higher
purpose...

17 Comments on "The Greatest Poop Stories Never Written"

Gabe's picture
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I'm getting a life
-----proposed by Dave

In a rare moment of complete lucidity, Dave realized that by maintaining poopreport.com he was wasting not only his own valuable time on this planet but also that of his faithful readers. Dave then vowed to shitcan poopreport in order to dedicate his life to more worthwhile ventures (his "relationship", his "career" and "martial arts" to name just a few). Of course, the fact that you're reading this comment right now shows just how far from his scatological obsession Dave was actually capable of straying -- Dave's promise to get a real life seems now to be merely a pipedream, flushed away like all the rest of his precious rectal refuse.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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I for one want to read about pee-er pressure... any insight I can get into women will help me out!

Sam's picture
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i love poop.

anonymous shitter's picture
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i love to poop. Everywhere. In my panties. on top of the seat. in the sink. In the corner of a dressing room. he he!

Troy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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OK - anonymous shitter - I really like this site as it contains much intelligent discussion on a subject that everyone on the planet deals with at least once a day (unless you are 70 years old and not eating your bran...) and idiotic sick bastards like you bring it down several notches. Go ahead, crap in your panties you sick fat 300 lb man - just don't tell us about it unless you can add a funny or witty dimension to it, such as if you wear a g-string can you perfectly bifurcate a turd as you pass it? (you can find an on-line dictionary at http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/

Anyhow that dissertation was not the ultimate point of my post. I am not generally into "flaming" people. The subject of concern is "Toilets in Thailand". As some of you may have read my previous post about stall selection in Asia I will take it upon myself to tackle this topic. As I have a real job/life I will add stories in bits and pieces nor am I a particularly talented or quick writer.

Turds in Thailand, Part I:

This episode will take us to the Andaman Sea off Thailand's east coast. This archipelago has been made famous through movies such as the James Bond movie "Man with a Golden Gun" and "The Beach". There are thousands of small islands with beautiful beaches spread throughout the bay easily accessible from the southern coast of Thailand or Phuket Island, where I happened to be staying on this particular trip.

Myself and 4 friends decided to take a kayak/beach day tour where you spend a few hours kayaking in some of the sea caves and get to see monkeys, birds and snakes and then visit an unihabited island for a few hours of laying on the beach, playing Te Ta-Kro (volleyball with your feet a low net & bamboo ball), snorkelling or kayaking in the surf. Well, my girlfriend and I kayaked & snorkelled for a bit and then came ashore. I decided to join the group of tour guides (all local Thais) playing Te Ta-Kro and try my foot skills. It is incredibly difficult but I tried hard and they obliged by tolerating my presence and muttering words of what I thought were encouragement, but were most likely Thai fat jokes muttered in a polite tone. (I am not really fat by US standards - 205 lbs & 5'11", but that is enormous in Thailand).

Anyhow as the game absorbed all my attention a tremendous tyrana-turd was building up in my loins, unbeknownst to me. [I really need to improve my forecasting/detection time, especially living in asia, but that is a topic for another discussion - any suggestions?]

All of a sudden a tremendous need to dump overcame me and all i could do was to pick up my snorkel gear that I didn't want to leave unattended (this is a key point as you will soon see) and run into the jungle to take a dump. My plan was just to find a quiet spot and a big harmless leaf as this was, after all, an uninhabited island. As luck would have it the ground was covered with the spiny seeds of some tree and hurt your feet like hell just adding to the beauty of this most unpleasant moment. After trotting for about 200 meters I came upon a deserted concrete shed that used to be, I assume, a restroom. It was dilapatated with vines growing on it. To my dismay a couple other people from the tour group (wearing flip flops) decided to explore the island a bit and were within eyesight and i had nowhere to venture but into the deserted shack. One look in the shack was enough to make you vomit. I can't imagine a hotter, more mildew infested disgusting stinky hole in the ground if i tried. Not even a bucket of water let alone a hose or, God forbid, toilet paper. There was a nice moist layer of who-knows-what coating the floor around the receptacle (not unlike the color of the border of this webpage - with a little more rust tint thrown in). What to do!?!?!? I had little choice, and even less time. I did the manly thing and I put on the rented flippers from my snorkel gear. As this restroom when built (1896?) was designed for your average 120 lb asian man, it did not accomodate my width so well while wearing flippers, and as such I had to back into the doorless stall to do my business.

When I completed my disgusting task all I could do was run (in flippers) 200 meters to the beach and jump into the water, while shouting "Don't touch me" to my girlfriend on my way into the water!!!

After a vigorous 10 minute swim I felt much better and was ready to re-join society....

turd sniffer's picture
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I can vividly remeber an incident I had while driving on I-75...miles from a bathroom. It just so happened that I carry tilet paper in my car, so when I need to heave a dump, I'll have something to wipe my asshole on. I proceeded to pull over on the shoulder. Cars were zooming past me. It was dangerous, but I really needed to let out a load. I was to the point where you really can't function normally, and you just sit there in that daze, clinching your ass muscles together trying to stop the barrage of brown logs.

Anyway, I opened the passeneger door, pulled down my pants and underwear, and proceeded to strain out what I thought was an 8 lb baby! I just sat there, squatting and looking around, trying to give my gaping bung hole time to recover. By the time I got ready to wipe, I heard the spizz sound of the gravels, and immediately noticed the wheels of another vehicle pulling in right behing me. It was a very attractive woman. She must have really had to go bad, because by the time she squatted down, she had messed all over the back over her Levis. I just zipped up and drove off. Not until years later did I finally realize how funny that was.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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I once heard that a hemaphrodite, or a shemale had his/her own stall, because this person was embarassed about using the toilet.

turd sniffer's picture
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I must apologize to all of you, the story I recounted two posts above and 4 months ago is a fraud. While I did take a dump on the side of a busy highway there was not actually a girl there. I just invented that to make my story different from the countless other "I was in my car and had to poop so I...." stories that frequent this site. In actuality my life is not so exciting as taking a dump on a busy highway with a hot girl next to me. It's usually me pooping in my car as I drive, afraid that anyone will see me in this primal state. Again, I apologize and promise not to tell any more whoppers like the story above. God cries when I lie.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The Thai bathroom story reminds me of the toilets near on Lassen NP visitors center before they constructed the new bathroom. For some reason the honey wagon didn't come up there frequently and the toilets were jam-packed with tourist droppings. It was hot and it was August so the poop mountains in the outhouses swelled into enormous towering brown mountains, speckled occasionally with white toilet paper snow. Flies swarmed around the mounds and maggots crawled through the poo. It was disgusting, but I was desperate to use a toilet. I just hung my ass over the shortest mountain and let loose. Oh, that still gives me the dry heaves!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

John's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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The Thai toilets to which Jason refers are called "squat toilets" and are common throughout Southeast Asia and China. Basically, you drop your drawers and quite literally squat all the way down, each foot resting on a board placed on either side of a bowl or, more primitively, a hole. The bowl/hole into which you deficate contains no water. There is a large tank containing fresh water and a ladle. You use the ladel to rinse once you have fully relieved yourself. Sometimes there is tissue to dry yourself; in other more remote areas, you use your left hand (the "shit" hand, as it is called in many remote areas of our planet). Hence, the reason why, in these cultures, one never extends the left hand in greeting. By the way, you also use the ladle to rinse out the bowl and flush its contents into the cistern into which it empties.

Not my cup of tea. I can take a piss in one, but we'll pass when it comes to #2.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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After David and I married in my home town, we quickly ventured out to Indiana so that we could start our doctorates of music at Indiana University. Since both of us love to be outdoors, we packed a tent and stayed at KOA’s rather than hotels. The first drive was somewhere in Wyoming and it was great. The second day David did most the driving and we ended up spending the night somewhere in the Midwest.

That night we popped up our tent and went to sleep on our aero bed. Things were great until one of those Midwest thunderstorms brewed up. Water was seeping into our tent and David had had enough. He said, “screw it! If I am not sleeping, I may as well be driving even if it is 20 miles per hour!” So, we pack up the tent, dried ourselves off and David drove all night in a horrible storm. Me? Slept like a baby.

The next morning, David looked beat. So, we stopped at a greasy spoon for breakfast. I had the works and so did he. It was my turn to drive. We started down the highway pulling a small Uhaul trailer behind us. Within 20 minutes, abrupt stomach pains fell into my lower abdomen. “I am going to shit my pants!” I yelled to David.

David calmly replied,” just take the next exit where there is a Mcdonalds.” Squeezing my gluteus maximus to the ultmate maximus I held on with dear life but realized it was going to get the best of me.

I swerved off the road, pissed off a lot of drivers behind me, pulled down my pants and exploded all over the side of the highway. I tried position myself in the most discreet possible place but as I was letting it rip I looked back, only to see that I was also in front of someone’s home.

This ass explosion wasn’t one that was satisfied after one squirt. This was a series of painful cramps followed by explosive diarrhea. As I was moaning in despair, David so kindly asked if I was okay and that he worried about me. Mind you, we were newlyweds. I said, “No, it hurts!”

The wind picked up blowing the fragrance of my ass towards David. “Oh my God! I am going to vomit,” David said coughing and dry heaving.

“I need toilet paper! Get me something.” I yelled. By this time the diarrhea subsided. However, I didn’t know what to do about the poop that saturated my shorts and underwear, traveled down my legs, and into my sandals…..yes I said sandals.

“There is no toiletpaper, or towel or anything!” he yelled back.

The inventory of our belongings ran through my head at light speed. “The wedding presents, the wedding presents! Get the tissue paper out of the wedding presents!” I hollered back.

So, I wiped myself up with tissue paper, donated my underwear to the highway (oops litter bug!) and David drove us to the Mcdonalds a half mile down the road.

“Well that’s one way to get out of driving.”said David.

When we finally settled in our new apartment, I wrote out thank you cards to all the generous people who showered us with wedding gifts.

“Dear Grandma, Thank you for the lovely gift. The dish is beautiful and thank you for wrapping it in such wonderful tissue paper. Love Leslie”
For more crazy tales visit my blog at http://womanswoe.wordpress.com

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Buddy of mine was a police officer. He was visited by the "Flaming Bag of Poo" one Hallowe'en weekend. After putting it out with the extinguisher, he realizes there is some corn in the bag. It's human poop!

He proceeds to process it as evidence. The lab was able to get D.N.A. from the feces, and (of course) the Genius was in the system! Busted!

Morale of the story: Don't flaming poo a police officer.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Is there any way you can email me the police officer's name? I'd like to interview him.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Story title: "What Grissom Does In His Spare Time".

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Dear A.C., I hope you made it to music school; that one is the best. I reckon you got rid of any impediments to concentration right there along the road. Great thought about the wedding tissue paper!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i hate taking a shit

Commander Poopenstien's picture
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I just had one of the best poops of my life. I feel like I have ascended unto a new spiritual plane.