The Greatest Poop Stories Never Written
Promises, promises. "Gee Dave, I love your poop site, I want to write a story about such and such!"
If I had a nickel for every great idea that never materialized, I'd be able to buy one of those solid-gold
Alas, I have grown used to empty promises and broken dreams. But in the midst of shattered
friendships and tattered hopes, there are some great story ideas. And although they may never see the light of day, perhaps
you can glean a modicum of entertainment from the basic premises...
------ proposed by Kristin.
Everyone knows this scene: you're at a bar, or a restaurant, or a funeral, or anywhere else people get
together. One girl gets up and says, "I have to go pee." She looks around expectantly, and suddenly
all the girls in the group are tromping off towards the loo.
Now, I don't pretend to know what they do in there (although I have all sorts of fantasies). Kristin
says they take turns peeing. Apparently, they all crowd around the toilet, and one after another, hop
on, do their business, and hop off.
But what happens when you sit on the john and, while the crowd fidgets anxiously, nothing
happens? This is pee-er pressure -- a girl's worst nightmare.
Pooping In Sync
------ proposed by Tim.
It's been well documented how girls living together magically sync up their monthly cycles. Our good
buddy Tim has a similar theory about guys: that the longer guys live together, the more their daily
poo cycles will start to converge. Imagine this happening on an episode of the Real World. Hilarity!
Peeing While Standing
------ proposed by Melissa.
We've all laughed at girls standing in long bathroom lines as we fellas saunter in, do our business,
and saunter out. But this archaic practice, this pre-Title IX anachronism, is about to come to an
end. Because girls everywhere are starting to pee standing
Can you imagine your girlfriend or mother peeing into the trough at the stadium? It boggles the mind. Nevertheless, Melissa
was determined to try it out.
An Evening at the Marcal Toilet Paper Factory
------ proposed by Dave (yes, I'm guilty too).
Fans of The World's Most Comprehensive Survey of Toilet Paper Brands know
that Marcal Toilet Paper scores consitently low in the ratings. It seems that if they had their way, everyone would wipe their
ass with gravel.
The Marcal manufacturing facilities are located in Eastern New Jersey, about 15 minutes away from New
York City. The PoopReport team wants to see first hand how their product is made.
At the Coca-Cola Museum in Atlanta, they let you sample every brand of soda produced by Coke or Coke
subsidiaries worldwide. Does the Marcal factory do the same thing? I picture special bathroom stalls for the tourists, each
stall with ten or fifteen different toilet paper dispensers...
Wiping with Nappy-Wipes
------ proposed by Ryan
My friend Steve's friend Ryan wipes his ass with nappy wipes. You know, "moist towelletes." What is
the deal with that? Ryan swears it has conventional toilet paper beat by miles. And Ryan promised
he'd tell us all about it...
The Toilets of Thailand
------ proposed by Jason.
After a recent visit to Thailand, Jason swore he'd give us the inside dope about how they poop over
there. It's weird, he assured me. I believe him. After all, I've eaten Thai curry -- they must have
incredible bathrooms over there to deal with an entire population that eats Thai food every day.
The Toilets of Europe
------ proposed by Gabe.
PoopReport's favorite expatriate Gabe promised he'd write all about the toilets he encountered while
living in Italy for a year. He even went as far as to send in a picture of a toilet he encountered on
the Eurorail. But as far as actually writing the story... hmmm...
The Toilets of a Failed Dotcom
------ proposed by Jeff.
Jeff recently had the (mis)fortune to work at a high-profile dotcom as it tanked. Since he was
working in the accounting department, he got to come to work for a few days after everyone else got
laid off. So imagine the transition he witnessed. One day, he was sharing the toilet with hundreds of
co-workers. The next day, he practically had every bathroom in the joint to himself.
A private bathroom... it's every office drone's dream. But was it truly as wonderful as it should have
been? Perhaps there's something about knowing your ass is indirectly touching the ass of every single
coworker to build camaraderie and love among the fellow poopers... perhaps shared toilets have a higher