With this week being the one year anniversary of our invasion of Iraq, I figured I would sit down and regale you all with the story of my very own Shock and Awe Campaign that I unleashed on my poor, unsuspecting toilet a couple of months ago.
It all started with a visit to my local health food store. Naturally, I made my way over to the "digestion" aisle, where I was confronted with countless items all claiming that they would clean my colon. I have always been curious about the legend that, on average, a person has anywhere between five to ten pounds of undigested "material" (namely meat) in their lower GI. The sheer number of items I was presented with was too great, so I decided to wait and do some research before making a purchase.
Having the memory span of a goldfish, I forgot all about my quest by the time I got home. But about a week later I remembered and started my search. I uncovered several stories on this very website from people who have cleaned their colons, and I found them all very entertaining. However, I wondered if what they used actually completely cleaned all the nooks and crannies -- or, as doctors like to call them, "striations" -- of their colons.
Don't let the name fool you -- it's a pill, not a powder.
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Many of the sites I saw told me that it was important to clean my colon because of the toxins that fester in the lower GI. It all made sense to me. As we all know, or should know, the colon's main function is the reabsorption of nutrients and water into our bodies, and the elimination of toxic wastes through regular bowel movements. When your bowels are impacted, problems can arise, such as constipation, hemorrhoids, ulcerative colitis and colon cancer.
Now, stay with me here: if the walls of your intestines/colon/bowels are caked with years and years of butt mud, and your colon doesn't operate properly, won't that have an ill effect on your entire being? Even worse yet, as some sites claimed, over time, might one actually start to absorb the caked-on shit into your bloodstream? I believe we can all agree is bad... right?! Quite frankly, I was scared into action!
I stumbled across a product called Oxypowder. Their website went over everything you need to know and more (I encourage everyone to go there), including all of the symptoms one can expect from a filthy colon. Common symptoms resulting from accumulated toxins in the bowel can include headaches, bad breath, allergy symptoms, acne, PMS, fatigue, depression, irritability, bloating, and frequent infections. Good Lord... I have some of those! Well, except the PMS part. (Being a man and all, if I had PMS I think the least of my problems would be a dirty colon!)
The basic point of their site: if you have a healthy colon, you will be healthy. Without hesitation, I ordered a bottle of the stuff, which arrived about a week later. I decided to wait until the end of the weekend to start the process. I followed the instructions, taking ten capsules on an empty stomach before I went to bed Sunday evening.
Monday morning came along, and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. I woke up and was going about my business on the computer when I felt a little pressure building up. I decided to go with a fart. Mid-fart, I felt something wasn't quite right, so I stopped. Unlike some of the people on this site, I have never confused the difference between a fart and "something else." I have a crack (no pun intended) team of specialists running the show back there. The second something seems to be going awry, they lock things up tighter than a maximum-security penitentiary. To this date, knock on wood, nothing has ever escaped without having the proper papers. There is no early release program, no work release program, and not a chance for parole. They are to serve their full sentence, no exceptions!
So I stopped the fart and decided I'd better continue this hovering above the safety of a toilet. Once there, I simply relaxed. I'm not really sure how to accurately describe this, but things just sort of fell out of my ass. Nothing spectacular, but when I turned around to admire my work, I was taken aback by what I saw: the once-clear water of the toilet now resembled beef and barley soup!
If I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure I saw a few pieces of gum I had swallowed years ago in there. But I'm certain I did see one lone corn kernel, and I hadn't had corn in over a week! I remember saying to myself, "Geez, I guess that stuff really does work." I cleaned up, which was surprisingly easy, and went back to the computer.
About thirty minutes passed until I felt the urge to purge again. I went back to the bathroom and started anew. This time, something was definitely different. I started to go when all of a sudden a torrent of liquid shot out of my rectum with such force that I was worried it would suck my balls into my body and shoot them out of my ass along with everything else, turning me inside out like a sock. I took the Lord's name in vain, adding several middle names that don't appear in any scripture I've ever seen.
When it stopped, I cleaned up. Again, cleanup was surprisingly easy, but closer inspection of the toilet itself revealed that the rim had poop shrapnel all over it. I ended up doing more wiping up of the rim and seat than of my butt itself!
This went on throughout the day, reaching its crescendo around dump number four, during which -- I kid you not -- a jet of foul butt water shot out of me for a solid five seconds.
All in all, I crapped about nine times that day. The instructions told me to do this every day for a week, then every other day until my bottle ran out. I made it five days, at which point I felt that I couldn't possibly have anything more in me. Days Four and Five weren't nearly as eventful as the previous three -- only two or three "movements" each day. I should have stuck it out the whole week, but I had too many things to take care of the following weekend and didn't want to have to change my plans for pooping purposes.
My conclusion: if you really, and I mean REALLY, want to clean yourself out, get a bottle of this stuff! You will be absolutely amazed! The only drawback is you won't want to ever be that far from a toilet. I work from home, so it wasn't much of a problem for me -- but if you'll be away from a toilet for any extended period of time during your workday, I wouldn't try it. I ended up losing eight pounds; but, to be completely honest with you, I'm back to where I was before the "treatment."
Oxypowder provided me with several days of entertainment, and I really did feel better. I still have about half a bottle of the stuff, and have done one treatment in the last month or so, when I felt that there was an imbalance in the input-output department. Needless to say, it puts stuff back into equilibrium very quickly.
