SPECIAL REPORT: Ply's Does Matter.
Posted 02.11.2001 by Dave (11977)
Introduction
Humans are creatures of habit. We pick a brand and we stick with it -- that's how brands make their
money. We learned about this in marketing class: it's pretty hard to get new customers to switch to your product. Usually,
advertisers just focus on trying to get existing customers to buy more.
This particular aspect of marketing means that for many of us, there is a whole WORLD of brands we
haven't yet tried. Why try Heinz when Hunts is doing the job quite nicely?
Therefore, in the interest of public service, we at PoopReport have commissioned The World's Most
Comprehensive(1) Survey of Toilet Paper Brands.
The Goals
The goals of this survey are threefold:
- To create a single, comprehensive source that will enable all Americans(2) to quickly
and
accurately determine which brand of toilet paper is appropriate for them, based on a variety of criteria -- including cost,
desired comfort level, and anticipated forms of excremental activities.
- To render millions of advertising dollars useless by providing trustworthy, accurate information that will allow the
consumer to decide on the appropriate brand for themselves, instead of being influenced by potentially misleading advertising.
- To establish PoopReport as the web's premiere destination for all poop and poop-related news, information and resources.
Methodology
There are two phases to this survey.
- PHASE I -- 2/01 to 3/01: Over the next few weeks, we will gather as much data as we can about as many
American brands(3) of toilet paper as possible. The end product of this phase will be a
comprehensive matrix of data and subjective reviews covering the entire spectrum of TP offerings. Below, you will see the
structure this data is anticipated to take:
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- PHASE II -- 3/01 to ???: Once the initial matrix is complete, it's time for field testing. This will be a
labor-intensive study in which we will test the brands under various conditions -- after a lunch
trip to Jaurez, Mexico, for instance, or after six cups of coffee. The ultimate goal of PHASE II is
develop a complex algorithm which enables us to accurately determine the proper brand of toilet paper for
any occasion.
Participation
Below is a list of currently known American toilet paper brands. Please
select one or two brands you wish to review, or feel free to suggest one that's not on the list. After you have
selected a brand, you will receive an email detailing proper reviewing procedure. In the interest of
scientific accuracy, more than one person will be reviewing each brand.
Click on each brand below for more info.
And hey, check out the preliminary results!
Footnotes
(1) I assume this is the world's most comprehensive survey of toilet paper. I haven't looked to see
if any others exist. Some philosophers would argue that if I have no knowledge of an entity, it does
not exist. Let's try to keep it that way. Go back.
(2) America now, later the world. I've heard that in some countries you wipe with your hands, but
for those that don't, hopefully someday we'll be able to provide a useful resource. Go back.
(3) Have you ever wondered if, in addition to the global brands we all know and love, there are
regional brands of toilet paper? Microbrews, so to speak? Perhaps toilet paper availability reflects
differing needs in different parts of American society. This survey should provide an interesting
ethnography of our country. Go back.
-- Dave
Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!
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