Why is toilet paper so bad?

Do the giant hegemonic toilet paper companies honestly think we enjoy wiping ourselves with sandpaper? Do they really think the consumer desires suffering when they shit?

One of the goals of The World's Most Comprehensive Survey of Toilet Paper Brands is to identify which brands actually work hard to make a pleasureable wiping experience, so we can avoid those that cause immesurable pain and suffering. (I wonder who's caused more suffering in their day -- Saddam Hussein or the Marcal Toilet Paper Company?)

On the About.com Worst of the Web message board, JENFER231 enlightened us a little bit about what the big toilet paper companies think when they're producing their lousy, scratchy, uncomfortable products:

From:    JENFER231
To:      dave1

Ha! This reminds me of a marketing research company that I worked for in 1980. We held focus groups to find out what people wanted in their toilet paper. Recycled wasn't "in" yet, so what people almost unanimously said they wanted was (of course) soft paper that had no dyes or perfumes. Manufacturers have been very, very slow to get the message.

So I wrote to her and asked her to elaborate about her toilet paper experiences. She wrote back:

I have had many crappy jobs in my time, but this was the only one where that was literally true! The only noteworthy thing I recall is that, for years and years, the manufacturers paid no attention to the findings they had paid for. They went right on manufacturing toilet paper that was coloured and perfumed (which causes irritation in people who are allergic, and also, they say, hurts the environment). Only in fairly recent years do I feel safe to buy toilet paper without first poking a hole in the wrapper and sniffing it! "Please don't poke the charmin'!"

There is also something in the Harper's Weekly interactive stats about all the toilet paper used in one year, if unwound in one line, would reach from Earth to Uranus. Most likely a joke!

So there we have it. It's what I've been suspecting for some time now, ever since we started the survey: the TP companies put profits before bungholes. They're not all bad -- we know from compiled data that Charmin makes a pretty decent product. But clearly companies like Marcal have a lot of explaining to do. Do they actually use the product they produce?

Folks, this is why we're running the toilet paper survey. So we can tell these great faceless companies, "Hey! We're on to you! We know it's your fault our asses are chafed and irritable! We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more!"

So, please. Review some toilet paper. Only you can help overthrow the evil hegemonic cartel of corporate toilet paper producers.
-- Dave

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