Sphincterine: Ass Altoids

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Ever have one of those days where you couldn't shower because you were running late to work, and you were wearing a mesh-lined nylon bathing suit under your jeans because the week before you foolishly dropped off all your dirty clothes and underwear at the Wash'N'Fold that only stays open until six, and you've been unable to pick them up because you don't even get out of work until that hour?

Because let me tell you, bathing suits do not make good underwear.

Sphincterine, in bottle or wipe.

A bathing suit works well because it doesn't absorb water. Water wicks right off it, for the most part. This is great in the pool, where you don't want heavy shorts dragging you under -- but under the blue jeans of a sedentary cubicle slave for twelve hours, a bathing suit lets all the ass- and ball-sweat collecting down there just pool up and fester on the grundle hair.

I grew aware of this olfactory phenomenon during my regular 10 o'clock. By the time I went back for the post-lunch, and then again for the pre-dinner, the odor had transformed from interesting/tangy to downright nasty. I had a hard time believing the dank, mildewy swamp-ass odor was actually coming from spread legs.

After work I showered and washed thoroughly, but I still felt unclean. Physically, I was spotless, but I didn't feel it. I needed a way to be certain that the funk was gone, especially because I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in two weeks. I needed a confidence booster. I needed Sphinterine.

Sphincterine Personal Refresher is pretty much spearmint mouthwash for your butt. It's an "all-natural" liquid that you wipe around the rings of Uranus with toilet paper (or a wash cloth, according to the directions... eww!), leaving a cool, tingly sensation down there that will instill confidence in even my horrible post-bathing suit underwear swampy ass.

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture.

Though I haven't tried them yet, Sphincterine also comes in travel-sized single use packets -- wetnaps, essentially. I am a regular user of wetnaps -- I keep them in my golf bag, just in case I need to I need to freshen up or clean some leakage down there in the middle of a particularly sweaty round. Sphincterine's single-use packets must have wetnaps beat by a long shot, though, simply because minty freshness beats icky mediciney goo any day.

My only complaint about bottle-form Sphincterine is that the liquid is surprisingly liquid. I was expecting a gel with the viscosity of lotion or shampoo, but instead something like baby oil poured out, making it slightly difficult to administer the correct amount. But I'm sure I'll get better at portion control as I use it more.

Which I definitely will.

Because I still haven't picked up my laundry.

125 Comments on "Sphincterine: Ass Altoids"

evilash's picture


dookie dog's picture

Wouldn't Ben Gay work just as good as this product? and be cheaper too.

Toni's picture

Whatever happened to the three sea shells?

Col O'stomy's picture

what a waste

captain colon's picture

My ass is a rain a plessure with this product. Now when i feed my parakeet from my ass,it doesnt pass out from the stench. It plessurably muchs from the confires of my cornhole. I am now will to start feeding my cat tuna from my ass without worrying about my ass smelling like tuna after its finished. Thank you modern technology for allowing me to fufill my dreams of letting my pets hapily munch from my dingleberry free asshole!

Big-n-Hairy's picture

You gotta try gold bond-but not the blue,its too intense

smellme's picture

I often try to meet people for quickies for lunch. I have always been self-conscious about my ass smelling especially after I take one of those craps that take forever to wipe. You just keep wiping and wiping and wiping. Damn thing never comes clean! Then just when you think it is, 15 minutes later after sitting on your ass, you feel the need to wipe again! How can you meet someone with confidence what you might sweat and stink up the place? Well Sphincterine has solved my problems! One of the wipes, makes my hole nice and clean. My hands smell good too!

Mary Beth's picture

Awesome site...

Tea-Bagger's picture

As a 78 year old man, my tea-bags hang real low. Damn things splash in the water every time I take a dump. Some times, my poop hits my balls and I get skid marks on them. At my age, I can't get in and out of the shower every time I crap. I poop 3 to 4 time a day!

I like my lady friend to tea-bag while she strokes me, but with crap on my bag, she won't do it!

Now thanks to Sphincterine my lady friend and I are happy.

When she pulls them out, I know I am going to get lucky!!

Thank you Sphincterine!

Colon Towel's picture

I keep a bottle in the glove compartment of my Impala for those unexpected "press conferences"

Hot Wheels's picture

I didn't know what was going on. It was my 80th birthday and I went to the car dealer to get a new car. I had to have the 2003 Taurus. I spent some time in the office negotiating, but the salesman seemed to avoid me. I used Jean Nate After Bath Splash after I took a dump, but I must not have smelled clean.

What a suprise it was when I got my Taurus home and found a bottle of Spincterine in the glove box! Now I am the coolest lady in the retirement home with my Taurus and clean smelling ass.

Thank you Spincterine.

Cameltoejoe's picture

When I first read about Sphincterine I thought it was a joke. Then I have been noticing that in the morning when i drop a present in the bowl and wipe, I really do have to use alot of tissue. then when I recently purchased a new car with tan seats, and i wore a shorter than usual skirt..i noticed a stain when i got out of the car! let me tell you...the ring was the size of a coffee cup!! how am i supposed to get that out!! i'll have to buy a seat cover now or one of those wooden bead seat covers. and lets talk about camel toe. I go commando and there is no wearing my jeans more than two days in a row!! i hope I get my order of Sphincterine by Xmas. Shopping will be easy this year! i bought a whole case!!!

Matt Gover's picture

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture. Check it out. I called the company and they said they sell a ton of them, especially around the holidays as gag gifts. I ordered a six pack of them and I had a few left. It looks like a standard wipe with a minty scent. MY BUTT CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM!!!



Melinda's picture

Hello, My name


I recently had to drive a great distance to go to my sons IEP meeting. I was sitting in the car for about an hour and a half. I have irritible bowel syndrome and Half way there , i felt that familar percolation in my pipes. I thought I was gonna poop in my Passat. there was not a rest stop in site so I pulled over and ran up the hwy embankment and into the woods. it was like "Mt Rushmore". well in the conference room at the school, we were 12 people closed in. I was so embarrassed, I knew where the stink was coming from. Sphincterine...I will never leave home without you again. Its just basic Asswipe101

Harry Q. Hammer's picture

What's the deal with these people who's only question is (no matter what the topic) "Is this a real product?".
Who are these people?
Yes, it's real! Why wouldn't it be?
Far out I am sick of hearing (reading) that question?
Stupid, stupid, stupid...

shitass's picture

ONce had a really stinky pair of sneakers, because i went without socks all summer and spilled gasoline and motor oil on them, and stepped in shit a couple of times, and kicked roadkill out of the road once... ANyway, i only had this one pair of sneaks and the smell was really embarrassing, so i sprayed a half a bottle of Old Spice into them. FOr five minutes they smelled like Old Spice, then the smell of cologne mingled with the foot smell, petrolium, shit, road kill, etc and formed a smell so G*d Awful that i decided to go out and charge a new pair of shoes on credit. But the smell was so bad that i only got halfway down the road and i had to pull over and throw them out the window. Then i had to stop at the car wash on the way to the shoe store to hose my feet off because the stench had stuck to my feet...

I tell this story because i fear the comingling of smells. Sphincterine, reassure me. Is it going to be okay?

Peter Pinch-a-loaf's picture

Lately I wish I had some spincterine. Lately I can only pinch half a loaf. Then I just keep wiping, wiping, wiping. I just can

Poopadeedoo(D.L.R.fan)'s picture

I just enjoy anything that has to do with ass or poop... I love to inform my friends about new poop stuff and they really appreciate hearing about it. Thank the porcelaine god they have me!

Sally Nixon's picture

I would like you to please send me a catalog and whls price sheet. Thanks

wendymomo's picture

I didn't used to take it in the can, but thanks to Sphincterine, now i do!

Matron Kate Morrison's picture

I am a nurse with a masters degree in nursing , first of all I am shocked that hygiene is not an issue here.I understand that social practices such as family customs ,number of people in the house and the availability of runnning water,cultural beliefs or personal preference will influence hygiene practices but the knowlege about the importance of hygiene is much underrated here.Proper hygiene practices are definetly congruent to health promotion for example washing one hands after the use of the toilet or washing the hands after nose blowing are examples where the spread of harmful germs can be prevented.Now onward to bodily care.Daily baths can help to make one feel refreshed in the morning but also prevent others from being exposed to offensive odors.We must think of how others view us as well.You may not be able to smell your own body odor as you may be use to it but others will certainly take offense to it.Depending on ones ethnicity the amount of apocrine glands or sweat glands one has can appear more or less.This is why some people sweat more than others.These glands are found in the genital area and axilla(armpits).The bacterial decompostion of sweat from these glands will produce body odor.Bathing will remove excess body secretions and help with this problem.Yes ,properly wiping oneself after a bowel movement will help to decrease excretion/secretions, (that is wiping from front to back) so that you do not carry feces to a clean area such as the vagina or scotum(testicles) but proper wiping and bathing will help to decrease skin breakdown or worse infections.Baby wipes are also very good to use after wiping with toilet paper,some have suggested a washcloth with soap and water others will use a small bucket or cup full of water to wash after a bowel movement .This is quite common practice for Asians and a good one at that.Bidets are also used for the purpose of flushing away unwanted odors and are used after the usage of a toilet.Some may suggest using something that has the ability to be absorbant of odors such as corn starch .This can be found in baby powder.( Please don't use it if you have allergies) But it all boils down to the common practice of bathing. Really in this society where water is available there should be no excuse for not doing it ( bathing).It is not 1790 in Manitoba, Alaska or England where it was cold and water had to be toted in the dead of winter once a week and warmed.Everyone has a routine/schedule or method for doing something ie work, baseball,driving.Just make it a part of your daily routine along with brushing your teeth.

realitycheckdude's picture

The bottom line is we are all human and our bodies smell. The bum is just one of those body parts that smell. It is intersting to note however that most Americans and Europeans (including blacks and hispanics within these groups) butts smell more than people of other races in different countries. I think it has to do with some of the religions other people practice such as Islam where the have to be really clean all the time all over their bodies, whereas most of the rest of us only wipe a few times and think we are clean. I know this because I used work in a prison, and when you strip search people,your nose is close to their asses. I don't know if this product is really effective. If it is however, please ensure that you use it after showering if you plan on commiting a crime because your naked ass will be searched.

girlfriend's picture

Hey, this is for REAL! My boyfriend had a terrible problem with a dirty ass! He had no idea, the treadmarks on the inside of his underpants didn't clue him in. Yeah, people, your ass is not as clean as you think! And when you stick your ass in your girlfriend's face (to get a nice fellatio), she will see it. It is very hard to forget.

Be nice to your girlfriends, clean your asses before you get into your 69 position! It's the least you can do, guys! (and gals)

Anonymous Coward's picture

What worries me is:#
1) Why you all STANK so much before this product appeared.
2) You ALL still had love lives going on quite happily
3) So - this being the case do you really NEED to make someone else rich by BUYING this 'novelty' product - Simply get some Peppermint Essential Oil - dilute a coupe of drops in 20mls of water - give a good shake then using a cotton wool ball - dip into solution and you will still have a MINTY FRESH TASTING/SMELLING/STINKING anus - HAPPY now :)

Lesbian's picture

What the hell! I need to buy my little brother some. He is 17 and gets drunk and shits on himself. He is fat and lazy, and won't take a showe for days. Maybe I could convince him to go wash himself. He smells like ass so bad!

Matron Kate Morrison's picture

I still think that daily bathes are called for.There is no replacement for that shower fresh feeling.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Stupid kids.... I've been around the block a bunch of times, so take advice from a seasoned pro. Here's what you do every time you take a dump. Once you're finished and done your wiping with toilet paper, move over to the tub. Sit on the edge of the tub with your still stinky butt hanging over the drain and use a spray-wand (go buy one) and soap to thoroughly wash your "starfish" (cute) or "rosebud" (if you're a girl, I guess) and the ENTIREsurrounding area (yes, keep your pants dropped to your ankles. Then, have a CLEAN towel handy to pat dry. It can be just as easy sometimes to take a quick shower and just focus mainly on "that area" from the waist down (or go for broke and take a quick whole-body shower and do the world an extra favor). In other words, crap only when you're about to take a shower (often a very wise strategy). Afterwards, if time and location permit, apply a thin layer of HYDROGEN PEROXIDE to the area, from the "starfish" to the buttcheeks (yes, the plain old peroxide in the opaque plastic bottle at SavOn you buy for sixty cents). Let it air dry (Do Not Towel Dry The Area). The PEROXIDE is cleaning the surface of your skin as it bubbles away bacteria; if you used a towel to wipe the area dry you would defeat the purpose of leaving the medicine on to do its work. Three to Five minutes, tops and you're done. You can try WITCH HAZEL as well, which is technically just an astringent, and it will work fine also, but I find HYDROGEN PEROXIDE is what works best for me and it's not harsh. Also, I shave my butthole regularly and HYDROGEN PEROXIDE is excellent first-aid to cleanse and sanitize the shaved area right immediately after the task: lay on your bed on top of a white towel with a generous amount of HYDROGEN PEROXIDE splashed all over the shaved and surrounding area. After shaving, you will need to do this twice a day for several days to make sure the area does not get infected (pimples). Keep the area clean (C-L-E-A-N, a word some of you evidently have a lot of trouble with, especially the idiots out there who think that wiping a hairy ass with toilet paper after a dump is doing the job. THINK AGAIN SH*THEADS!). For cleansing and sanitizing the rump area you can also try some low-cost IODINE mixed into a liquid soap solution (make your own or buy the Betadine brand for more money), particularly if your problem is excruciatingly chronic. Use this to wash your ass (with either a washcloth devoted to that area -- and make sure you wash the washcloth regularly in your laundry -- with bleach!). That will help also. The same advice holds for a guy with a foreskin cleanliness problem: a mild soap solution with a bit of IODINE in it works wonders to neutralize the bacteria and keep the area fresher longer. Okay, here's the bad news: we have monkey glands back in our hineys that put out a certain kind of a musky stench and that is NORMAL. Some guys have it worse than others (I'm certain as well that diet plays a part in the quality of the odor, but there will always be some kind of glandular excretion going on). Guys can also wear boxer shorts (look for ones with a back seam) that can "ride up" the crack a bit and keep the area covered with a layer of helpful cotton (better yet if it's a synthetic blend which can help wick away the moisture. Some guys should do away with underwear altogether if they are prone to sweat a lot simply because they create an oven with too many clothes on and are bound to sweat profusely. Just tossing on a pair of jeans -- sans underwear -- will allow for better air flow around the offending area and prohibit sweat build-up. Good Luck to all.

Anonymous Coward's picture

holy shit. You people are fucking deranged. If y'all weren't so damn funny, I'd be disgusted.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Welcome to the addiction.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Try using Pert Plus Fresh (make sure its the bottle that says Fresh! in blue letters on the front -- its the one with the extra ingrediant). It leaves a nice tingle on your butt after you take a shower. Plus, the added conditioner keeps your ass hair soft and managable

Anonymous Coward's picture

Shave that pubic hair - God knows I do - Been doin' it for - ever. Makes your penis look real awesome to the opposite sex .
Keep it shaved and it smeel great all day.

Frou Timmyah's picture

I hate these dingle-berries. My squadron runs a lot, and our new PT gear sound like we've fashioned paper bags to run in, and somehow, they have the tendency of french brading my ass hair with the dingle-berries. So you get the unfortunate rip. I had to go home and cut the hair of one day that was entwined in my pants liner. We use govt. T.P., so it's like 1-grit sandpaper. This helps big time before the days run. Thanks for saving my ass!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

My D&D group had an idea like this. "Ass-Mints".
It was a suppository that would break down and change the scent of your farts.
Any flavor from Pizza to Altoids.

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward's picture

How do I get the "smelly ass smell out of my recliner? I'm serious. My recliner stinks. Thanks.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

A.C. from 10/3
If it's a cloth recliner (not leather, vinyl, or pleather), try a dry baking soda rubdown. Massage the baking soda in and then let it sit overnight. Vaccuum it out.
You might put one of the mesh panel freezer boxes underneath to help absorb the odor.
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward's picture

The French have it right using lé Bidet. Fact. Well, right when I say it works, but still, there does seem something a bit, you know, urgh to it.

Judie's picture

I done like finger in my ass. Why woman do that? Make me feel uncomfortable poop get on her finger when it pulled out, one must have smell on finger. Why woman want that smell on her.

dain bamaged's picture

I used to use bleach and amonia mixed together as a sanitizer for my butt odor problems. After 3 close death episodes and minor brain damage, my doctor recomended Sphincterine. I love it! It not only smells great but works just as well and you do not have to be in a well ventilated area! Thanks 911, med-act, Dr Brackett, Gage, Desoto General Hospital, Midwest Pioson Control Center, Coventry Advantra Health....and...MOST OF ALL SPHINCTERINE!!!!

toilet paper bandit's picture

OH man, I JUST LOVE YOUR PRODUCT! I constantly am taking poops, for no reason, and this product is great,it takes the poop stains in my crotch and turns it into mint residue with sphincterine, I just love it! And my girlfriend doesn't complain anymore more about my butt smelling! Thank you Spincterine!

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

I had a coworker we named Stinky. Stinky spent ALL his time between his pot farm and the job he used to cover his income. Unfortunately his hygiene suffered much from this lifestyle. His in-box received regular gifts of soap, deodorant and toothpaste. Yes, his ass crack was nasty too. We would scream: "Stinky go to Walgreens and by a mint enema before we kill you! Here's five bucks, take it." If only I had known about Sphincterine.

Ass Rapper's picture

Sphincterine is the thing for me
makes my ass smell like the clear blue sea
when I dab some on
bad smell be gone
Sphincterine is the one

I pass lots of gas
makes for a putrid smellin ass
I used to sit in the back of the class
after a little sphincterine blast
now all my farts pass

don't play the smelly role
dab a little freshness on your hole
no smell left behind when you sit
now it's much easier takin a shit
for me shpincterine is a #1 hit.

Haiko's picture

Ummm, what the fuck? People actually have problems with smelly assholes? I suspect it's only a fat bastard who has insane rolls on his or her ass cheeks? What in the hell...

Moe's picture

I have tertiary syphilis.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Haiko....Being a fat bastard I disagree with your prognosis. I think the smelliest assholes are on skinny people who have insufficient flesh to cover their gaping holes thus allowing the putrid fumes of their intestinal contents to escape and assail the nostrils of the innocent.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Moe.....Sorry to hear about your tertiary syphilis, you should have made sure the orifices you assailed with your joystick were free of the spirochete, treponema pallidum.
If you had gone to the doctor sooner your condition might not have deteriorated so badly.
I hope that Curly and Larry are OK, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Is this real. I can't believe I read these rediculos post. Let me add one. First of all people need to learn how to clean their funky puntangs/ass properly. First you need to shower with piping hot water, or as hot as you can stand. Wash your funky ass with the water. DO NOT USE SOAP-REPEAT DO NOT USE SOAP.Wash your body with the water first then Concentrate on the abdomen/groin area last.Now smell yourself. You will not have any smell as you have removed the natural oils along with the funk that have binded to the oil. Now wash your body/ass/punana with your favorite soap and rinse well. You,your punani and your ass will smell simply wonderful. You can use this wash procedure if you have rubbed your funky body oils with another (who is not your signifigant other) body oils. This procedure removes their smell trait as well as your own.
Try it it really works.

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

AC - Wait, I'll just pinch myself.....OW!
Yes, it's real.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear AC of 06.02.2009.....I have one or two questions about your procedure, why don't you use soap? How do you smell you own crotch and asshole unless you are double jointed, do you shower with someone else and trade off on the sniffing? What if I enjoy smelling the aroma of the body I just bumped uglies with, must I remove it?

My dermatologist cautions me to use water that is barely above a tepid temperature. The natural oils in your skin are there for a purpose.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Dr. Assman's picture


Dr. Assman MD here,

I have been an ass doctor for over 20 years and I am here to warn you that this product is not safe to use near or on the asshole. Its the leading cause of ass cancer in areas within a 1.563 mile proximity of Taco bell. It also has been found to cause hemorrhoids, coincidently in the same patients. Scientists have been able to gather through purchasing patterns of Sphincterine that these patients are in the top 30% of all Sphincterine users. This product has also been known to cause facial rash in the sexual partners of users of Sphincterine. There have been 4 deaths in this demographic in Nebraska alone due to asphyxiation of dingle berries. The product has been recalled due to these deaths.

Once again, this is not a safe product to use near or around the asshole. If you absolutely have to use this product due to ass problems beyond the control of modern medicine, Please refrain from using it more than 2 times daily.

Your Friendly Ass Doctor,

Dr. Assman MD.


Anonymous Coward's picture

my husban wont shower is been four days and hes a bigger guy i dont kno what to do....

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Pour a bottle of bleach on the stinky fucker.


The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous's picture

It's not fair that women don't stink like men

Anonymous's picture

I use this stuff all the time. When I am done scrubbing my hoop I use the cloth to do the windows. Okay, they come up streaky, but so does the crap they sell at Walmart! Dammit!