Sphincterine: Ass Altoids

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Ever have one of those days where you couldn't shower because you were running late to work, and you were wearing a mesh-lined nylon bathing suit under your jeans because the week before you foolishly dropped off all your dirty clothes and underwear at the Wash'N'Fold that only stays open until six, and you've been unable to pick them up because you don't even get out of work until that hour?

Because let me tell you, bathing suits do not make good underwear.

Sphincterine, in bottle or wipe.

A bathing suit works well because it doesn't absorb water. Water wicks right off it, for the most part. This is great in the pool, where you don't want heavy shorts dragging you under -- but under the blue jeans of a sedentary cubicle slave for twelve hours, a bathing suit lets all the ass- and ball-sweat collecting down there just pool up and fester on the grundle hair.

I grew aware of this olfactory phenomenon during my regular 10 o'clock. By the time I went back for the post-lunch, and then again for the pre-dinner, the odor had transformed from interesting/tangy to downright nasty. I had a hard time believing the dank, mildewy swamp-ass odor was actually coming from spread legs.

After work I showered and washed thoroughly, but I still felt unclean. Physically, I was spotless, but I didn't feel it. I needed a way to be certain that the funk was gone, especially because I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in two weeks. I needed a confidence booster. I needed Sphinterine.

Sphincterine Personal Refresher is pretty much spearmint mouthwash for your butt. It's an "all-natural" liquid that you wipe around the rings of Uranus with toilet paper (or a wash cloth, according to the directions... eww!), leaving a cool, tingly sensation down there that will instill confidence in even my horrible post-bathing suit underwear swampy ass.

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture.

Though I haven't tried them yet, Sphincterine also comes in travel-sized single use packets -- wetnaps, essentially. I am a regular user of wetnaps -- I keep them in my golf bag, just in case I need to I need to freshen up or clean some leakage down there in the middle of a particularly sweaty round. Sphincterine's single-use packets must have wetnaps beat by a long shot, though, simply because minty freshness beats icky mediciney goo any day.

My only complaint about bottle-form Sphincterine is that the liquid is surprisingly liquid. I was expecting a gel with the viscosity of lotion or shampoo, but instead something like baby oil poured out, making it slightly difficult to administer the correct amount. But I'm sure I'll get better at portion control as I use it more.

Which I definitely will.

Because I still haven't picked up my laundry.

125 Comments on "Sphincterine: Ass Altoids"

Sally's picture

Why don't you sell a roll on version?

Mr Twisty Dick's picture

JizzJazz, I wring it out like a wet washcloth.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Maybe this is what I should use! My ass gets really stinky on my long road trips and when I take my pants off even my dog runs for cover. Of course I can also shower, but what do I do in between?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I've worn the same underwear for a month.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

lefty no balls's picture

what about something for our long winded occupent at 1600 pennslyvania ave?

moon ray's picture

while teenagers, me and a friend used to throw farts in each others' face to see who would succumb first. approaching 35, i don't find this funny anymore, but my friend keeps on going though i told him a thousand times to stop. he still thinks it's hysterical and does not respect my personal limits.

after i reverse fed him with sphincterine, i really don't mind him shoving his deadly crap clouds in my kisser. the mint sensation is so effective i even stopped brushing my teeth, though you may argue that the effect is "second hand" (the ANALogy knocks me out like a deadly fart...)

JizzJazz's picture

damn f***y cool people in here, this is the shrine of the baddest most hairyest bitchasses ever, this site rocks ASS! good work hehehe. Will post a link here pretty soon with our new site,may be not as cool as this, but with lots of cock-n ball humour+some own made films. It rocks ass too:)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Go lefty no balls! But I don't think it would work. Some asses are too far gone to save.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Shawn St James's picture

All kidding aside, i actually found this article helpful. Lately, probably because of poop report, ive become aware of my OWN problems.

Just like you, i take 1-2 showers a day. Im also an athlete.

But the grunge budd is a problem after only a few hours!

I need this stuff

moon ray's picture

i just want to correct my previous posting to saying "fatal fart" rather than "deadly fart", as i think this sounds much better.

people may say i'm a moron to actually spend valuable lifetime with mindless details that do not exactly contribute to world peace, but as the anal retentive perfectionist i am, i just HAVE TO DO THIS, OK?? it's in my nature, and when nature calls, i go!

Justone Pieceo's picture

i used to own 52 pair of shorts, each of which i wore for a week. this way i only had to run the washing machine once a year (on good years i could even fit in my handkerchiefs too, using just a reasonable amount of force). but for how long was adam in paradise?

though proud of my clever scheme, my friends and family ridiculed me. that did not stop them from steadily coming over to my house at the sole purpose of beholding the spectacle with awe. they even sold tickets to bypassers. however one day as they opened the closet, the shorts came crashing down and buried them like an avalanche. curiosity killed the cat, but who needs such friends anyway?

another problem was the bacteria development in the laundry box grew so intense that the stench coming to greet me every time i opened the lid was mistaken as biological warware by the feds, nevertheless officially considered a threat to national security.

now a sphincterine devotee, i am going strong on the third year with the same pair of shorts; they are as fresh as ever. and though it's against their policy, the second hand store on the corner were happy to resell the remaining 51 shorts after i treated them as(s)well.

Mr Poo's picture

I used to be happy poo in my hostes ass. Why, oh why,did you do this to me spingshit? You took away my sweet crappy smell and replaced it with ment!! My poofriends don't regognize me anymore. Some, are laughing behind my back.. I, who was a master in "Very Crappy Fart" now I poof like a candy! I'm afraid that I am forced to take the matter up to the "Crappy Counsil for justice among Shits". I hate you!

frodge's picture

i luv the little puker

there is nothing wrong with wanting to be anonymous's picture

i am born very loose joints, which allows me to bend my elbows and twist my feet much farther than a normal person. this also enables me to suck my own dick. which has its advantages - apart from the fact you have to spend a lot of time turning down tremendous offers from travelling circuses worldwide.

though it's every man's (and woman's) dream to be able to give your filthy crown jewels a good old cat wash whenever you feel like it, for me this is like a walk in the park. when this is the way god created you, you grow accustomed to it and eventually take it for granted. where does a man go from perfection?

a friend suggested to see if i could make it to the ass but where is the motivation in that? my shithole is not particularily receptive to oral stimulation nor has it received any noticable attention in the michelin restaurant guide to put it that way.

with sphincterine suddenly there was a reason. i generously applied the delicate fluid around my stinker and started on the long journey of bending down, going past my v.i.p. member, my balls of destruction, and crossing the long area not listed in webster's dictionary, before reaching the final destination of my trusty old cable factory, the reward being none other then a tasty meal of sphincterine with a touch of bbq sauce. i am no longer surprised by the heroic accomplishments attainable by the human spirit.

Dirty Sanchez's picture

Until this here product is FDA approved and let loose on the market, try some baby butt wipes. I keep a little box on the back of all my terlets. Wipe the chute with the Charmin, follow up with the baby wipes. Repeat as necessary.

cowpie's picture

Please tell me how I can contribute shit stories



Anthony's picture

The Final Wipe vs. Sphincterine
The Final Wipe

BettyBidet's picture

I love Sphincterine, especially the travel towelettes, but hated having to order it over the internet....then it hit me.....the company claims their product is as safe as mouthwash! So off I went to the health food store and for a mere 5.00 bucks bought a 16 oz. Bottle of Tom's Of Maine mouthwash....spearmint flavor. The ingredients are almost exactly the same as Sphincterine: water, glycerin, witch hazel, aloe vera, and mint. (Sphincterine does have more stuff in it but the effect on me was the same) there's no alcohol to burn you or dry you out either, just like Sphincterine. I will still buy the travel towelettes but the mouthwash is great! Try it!

Melanie Honeybuns's picture

I don't need sphincterine to feel clean, fresh, and confident. My ass ALWAYS smells wonderful...

R@TTOE's picture

This product heals my lesions of doom that invade my butt and add to the fumes. I am a certified owner of herpefieditis, and now, I don't need to worry about the lesion juices smelling bad when I sit on them wrong. Please inform your friends and family about Sphincterine as a must have for anyone with blistering lesions.

evilash's picture


dookie dog's picture

Wouldn't Ben Gay work just as good as this product? and be cheaper too.

Toni's picture

Whatever happened to the three sea shells?

Col O'stomy's picture

what a waste

captain colon's picture

My ass is a rain a plessure with this product. Now when i feed my parakeet from my ass,it doesnt pass out from the stench. It plessurably muchs from the confires of my cornhole. I am now will to start feeding my cat tuna from my ass without worrying about my ass smelling like tuna after its finished. Thank you modern technology for allowing me to fufill my dreams of letting my pets hapily munch from my dingleberry free asshole!

Big-n-Hairy's picture

You gotta try gold bond-but not the blue,its too intense

smellme's picture

I often try to meet people for quickies for lunch. I have always been self-conscious about my ass smelling especially after I take one of those craps that take forever to wipe. You just keep wiping and wiping and wiping. Damn thing never comes clean! Then just when you think it is, 15 minutes later after sitting on your ass, you feel the need to wipe again! How can you meet someone with confidence what you might sweat and stink up the place? Well Sphincterine has solved my problems! One of the wipes, makes my hole nice and clean. My hands smell good too!

Mary Beth's picture

Awesome site...

Tea-Bagger's picture

As a 78 year old man, my tea-bags hang real low. Damn things splash in the water every time I take a dump. Some times, my poop hits my balls and I get skid marks on them. At my age, I can't get in and out of the shower every time I crap. I poop 3 to 4 time a day!

I like my lady friend to tea-bag while she strokes me, but with crap on my bag, she won't do it!

Now thanks to Sphincterine my lady friend and I are happy.

When she pulls them out, I know I am going to get lucky!!

Thank you Sphincterine!

Colon Towel's picture

I keep a bottle in the glove compartment of my Impala for those unexpected "press conferences"

Hot Wheels's picture

I didn't know what was going on. It was my 80th birthday and I went to the car dealer to get a new car. I had to have the 2003 Taurus. I spent some time in the office negotiating, but the salesman seemed to avoid me. I used Jean Nate After Bath Splash after I took a dump, but I must not have smelled clean.

What a suprise it was when I got my Taurus home and found a bottle of Spincterine in the glove box! Now I am the coolest lady in the retirement home with my Taurus and clean smelling ass.

Thank you Spincterine.

Cameltoejoe's picture

When I first read about Sphincterine I thought it was a joke. Then I have been noticing that in the morning when i drop a present in the bowl and wipe, I really do have to use alot of tissue. then when I recently purchased a new car with tan seats, and i wore a shorter than usual skirt..i noticed a stain when i got out of the car! let me tell you...the ring was the size of a coffee cup!! how am i supposed to get that out!! i'll have to buy a seat cover now or one of those wooden bead seat covers. and lets talk about camel toe. I go commando and there is no wearing my jeans more than two days in a row!! i hope I get my order of Sphincterine by Xmas. Shopping will be easy this year! i bought a whole case!!!

Matt Gover's picture

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture. Check it out. I called the company and they said they sell a ton of them, especially around the holidays as gag gifts. I ordered a six pack of them and I had a few left. It looks like a standard wipe with a minty scent. MY BUTT CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM!!!



Melinda's picture

Hello, My name


I recently had to drive a great distance to go to my sons IEP meeting. I was sitting in the car for about an hour and a half. I have irritible bowel syndrome and Half way there , i felt that familar percolation in my pipes. I thought I was gonna poop in my Passat. there was not a rest stop in site so I pulled over and ran up the hwy embankment and into the woods. it was like "Mt Rushmore". well in the conference room at the school, we were 12 people closed in. I was so embarrassed, I knew where the stink was coming from. Sphincterine...I will never leave home without you again. Its just basic Asswipe101

Harry Q. Hammer's picture

What's the deal with these people who's only question is (no matter what the topic) "Is this a real product?".
Who are these people?
Yes, it's real! Why wouldn't it be?
Far out I am sick of hearing (reading) that question?
Stupid, stupid, stupid...

shitass's picture

ONce had a really stinky pair of sneakers, because i went without socks all summer and spilled gasoline and motor oil on them, and stepped in shit a couple of times, and kicked roadkill out of the road once... ANyway, i only had this one pair of sneaks and the smell was really embarrassing, so i sprayed a half a bottle of Old Spice into them. FOr five minutes they smelled like Old Spice, then the smell of cologne mingled with the foot smell, petrolium, shit, road kill, etc and formed a smell so G*d Awful that i decided to go out and charge a new pair of shoes on credit. But the smell was so bad that i only got halfway down the road and i had to pull over and throw them out the window. Then i had to stop at the car wash on the way to the shoe store to hose my feet off because the stench had stuck to my feet...

I tell this story because i fear the comingling of smells. Sphincterine, reassure me. Is it going to be okay?

Peter Pinch-a-loaf's picture

Lately I wish I had some spincterine. Lately I can only pinch half a loaf. Then I just keep wiping, wiping, wiping. I just can

Poopadeedoo(D.L.R.fan)'s picture

I just enjoy anything that has to do with ass or poop... I love to inform my friends about new poop stuff and they really appreciate hearing about it. Thank the porcelaine god they have me!

Sally Nixon's picture

I would like you to please send me a catalog and whls price sheet. Thanks

wendymomo's picture

I didn't used to take it in the can, but thanks to Sphincterine, now i do!

Matron Kate Morrison's picture

I am a nurse with a masters degree in nursing , first of all I am shocked that hygiene is not an issue here.I understand that social practices such as family customs ,number of people in the house and the availability of runnning water,cultural beliefs or personal preference will influence hygiene practices but the knowlege about the importance of hygiene is much underrated here.Proper hygiene practices are definetly congruent to health promotion for example washing one hands after the use of the toilet or washing the hands after nose blowing are examples where the spread of harmful germs can be prevented.Now onward to bodily care.Daily baths can help to make one feel refreshed in the morning but also prevent others from being exposed to offensive odors.We must think of how others view us as well.You may not be able to smell your own body odor as you may be use to it but others will certainly take offense to it.Depending on ones ethnicity the amount of apocrine glands or sweat glands one has can appear more or less.This is why some people sweat more than others.These glands are found in the genital area and axilla(armpits).The bacterial decompostion of sweat from these glands will produce body odor.Bathing will remove excess body secretions and help with this problem.Yes ,properly wiping oneself after a bowel movement will help to decrease excretion/secretions, (that is wiping from front to back) so that you do not carry feces to a clean area such as the vagina or scotum(testicles) but proper wiping and bathing will help to decrease skin breakdown or worse infections.Baby wipes are also very good to use after wiping with toilet paper,some have suggested a washcloth with soap and water others will use a small bucket or cup full of water to wash after a bowel movement .This is quite common practice for Asians and a good one at that.Bidets are also used for the purpose of flushing away unwanted odors and are used after the usage of a toilet.Some may suggest using something that has the ability to be absorbant of odors such as corn starch .This can be found in baby powder.( Please don't use it if you have allergies) But it all boils down to the common practice of bathing. Really in this society where water is available there should be no excuse for not doing it ( bathing).It is not 1790 in Manitoba, Alaska or England where it was cold and water had to be toted in the dead of winter once a week and warmed.Everyone has a routine/schedule or method for doing something ie work, baseball,driving.Just make it a part of your daily routine along with brushing your teeth.

realitycheckdude's picture

The bottom line is we are all human and our bodies smell. The bum is just one of those body parts that smell. It is intersting to note however that most Americans and Europeans (including blacks and hispanics within these groups) butts smell more than people of other races in different countries. I think it has to do with some of the religions other people practice such as Islam where the have to be really clean all the time all over their bodies, whereas most of the rest of us only wipe a few times and think we are clean. I know this because I used work in a prison, and when you strip search people,your nose is close to their asses. I don't know if this product is really effective. If it is however, please ensure that you use it after showering if you plan on commiting a crime because your naked ass will be searched.

girlfriend's picture

Hey, this is for REAL! My boyfriend had a terrible problem with a dirty ass! He had no idea, the treadmarks on the inside of his underpants didn't clue him in. Yeah, people, your ass is not as clean as you think! And when you stick your ass in your girlfriend's face (to get a nice fellatio), she will see it. It is very hard to forget.

Be nice to your girlfriends, clean your asses before you get into your 69 position! It's the least you can do, guys! (and gals)

Anonymous Coward's picture

What worries me is:#
1) Why you all STANK so much before this product appeared.
2) You ALL still had love lives going on quite happily
3) So - this being the case do you really NEED to make someone else rich by BUYING this 'novelty' product - Simply get some Peppermint Essential Oil - dilute a coupe of drops in 20mls of water - give a good shake then using a cotton wool ball - dip into solution and you will still have a MINTY FRESH TASTING/SMELLING/STINKING anus - HAPPY now :)

Lesbian's picture

What the hell! I need to buy my little brother some. He is 17 and gets drunk and shits on himself. He is fat and lazy, and won't take a showe for days. Maybe I could convince him to go wash himself. He smells like ass so bad!

Matron Kate Morrison's picture

I still think that daily bathes are called for.There is no replacement for that shower fresh feeling.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Stupid kids.... I've been around the block a bunch of times, so take advice from a seasoned pro. Here's what you do every time you take a dump. Once you're finished and done your wiping with toilet paper, move over to the tub. Sit on the edge of the tub with your still stinky butt hanging over the drain and use a spray-wand (go buy one) and soap to thoroughly wash your "starfish" (cute) or "rosebud" (if you're a girl, I guess) and the ENTIREsurrounding area (yes, keep your pants dropped to your ankles. Then, have a CLEAN towel handy to pat dry. It can be just as easy sometimes to take a quick shower and just focus mainly on "that area" from the waist down (or go for broke and take a quick whole-body shower and do the world an extra favor). In other words, crap only when you're about to take a shower (often a very wise strategy). Afterwards, if time and location permit, apply a thin layer of HYDROGEN PEROXIDE to the area, from the "starfish" to the buttcheeks (yes, the plain old peroxide in the opaque plastic bottle at SavOn you buy for sixty cents). Let it air dry (Do Not Towel Dry The Area). The PEROXIDE is cleaning the surface of your skin as it bubbles away bacteria; if you used a towel to wipe the area dry you would defeat the purpose of leaving the medicine on to do its work. Three to Five minutes, tops and you're done. You can try WITCH HAZEL as well, which is technically just an astringent, and it will work fine also, but I find HYDROGEN PEROXIDE is what works best for me and it's not harsh. Also, I shave my butthole regularly and HYDROGEN PEROXIDE is excellent first-aid to cleanse and sanitize the shaved area right immediately after the task: lay on your bed on top of a white towel with a generous amount of HYDROGEN PEROXIDE splashed all over the shaved and surrounding area. After shaving, you will need to do this twice a day for several days to make sure the area does not get infected (pimples). Keep the area clean (C-L-E-A-N, a word some of you evidently have a lot of trouble with, especially the idiots out there who think that wiping a hairy ass with toilet paper after a dump is doing the job. THINK AGAIN SH*THEADS!). For cleansing and sanitizing the rump area you can also try some low-cost IODINE mixed into a liquid soap solution (make your own or buy the Betadine brand for more money), particularly if your problem is excruciatingly chronic. Use this to wash your ass (with either a washcloth devoted to that area -- and make sure you wash the washcloth regularly in your laundry -- with bleach!). That will help also. The same advice holds for a guy with a foreskin cleanliness problem: a mild soap solution with a bit of IODINE in it works wonders to neutralize the bacteria and keep the area fresher longer. Okay, here's the bad news: we have monkey glands back in our hineys that put out a certain kind of a musky stench and that is NORMAL. Some guys have it worse than others (I'm certain as well that diet plays a part in the quality of the odor, but there will always be some kind of glandular excretion going on). Guys can also wear boxer shorts (look for ones with a back seam) that can "ride up" the crack a bit and keep the area covered with a layer of helpful cotton (better yet if it's a synthetic blend which can help wick away the moisture. Some guys should do away with underwear altogether if they are prone to sweat a lot simply because they create an oven with too many clothes on and are bound to sweat profusely. Just tossing on a pair of jeans -- sans underwear -- will allow for better air flow around the offending area and prohibit sweat build-up. Good Luck to all.

Anonymous Coward's picture

holy shit. You people are fucking deranged. If y'all weren't so damn funny, I'd be disgusted.

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