Sphincterine: Ass Altoids

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Ever have one of those days where you couldn't shower because you were running late to work, and you were wearing a mesh-lined nylon bathing suit under your jeans because the week before you foolishly dropped off all your dirty clothes and underwear at the Wash'N'Fold that only stays open until six, and you've been unable to pick them up because you don't even get out of work until that hour?

Because let me tell you, bathing suits do not make good underwear.

Sphincterine, in bottle or wipe.

A bathing suit works well because it doesn't absorb water. Water wicks right off it, for the most part. This is great in the pool, where you don't want heavy shorts dragging you under -- but under the blue jeans of a sedentary cubicle slave for twelve hours, a bathing suit lets all the ass- and ball-sweat collecting down there just pool up and fester on the grundle hair.

I grew aware of this olfactory phenomenon during my regular 10 o'clock. By the time I went back for the post-lunch, and then again for the pre-dinner, the odor had transformed from interesting/tangy to downright nasty. I had a hard time believing the dank, mildewy swamp-ass odor was actually coming from spread legs.

After work I showered and washed thoroughly, but I still felt unclean. Physically, I was spotless, but I didn't feel it. I needed a way to be certain that the funk was gone, especially because I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in two weeks. I needed a confidence booster. I needed Sphinterine.

Sphincterine Personal Refresher is pretty much spearmint mouthwash for your butt. It's an "all-natural" liquid that you wipe around the rings of Uranus with toilet paper (or a wash cloth, according to the directions... eww!), leaving a cool, tingly sensation down there that will instill confidence in even my horrible post-bathing suit underwear swampy ass.

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture.

Though I haven't tried them yet, Sphincterine also comes in travel-sized single use packets -- wetnaps, essentially. I am a regular user of wetnaps -- I keep them in my golf bag, just in case I need to I need to freshen up or clean some leakage down there in the middle of a particularly sweaty round. Sphincterine's single-use packets must have wetnaps beat by a long shot, though, simply because minty freshness beats icky mediciney goo any day.

My only complaint about bottle-form Sphincterine is that the liquid is surprisingly liquid. I was expecting a gel with the viscosity of lotion or shampoo, but instead something like baby oil poured out, making it slightly difficult to administer the correct amount. But I'm sure I'll get better at portion control as I use it more.

Which I definitely will.

Because I still haven't picked up my laundry.

125 Comments on "Sphincterine: Ass Altoids"

captain colon's picture

My ass is a rain a plessure with this product. Now when i feed my parakeet from my ass,it doesnt pass out from the stench. It plessurably muchs from the confires of my cornhole. I am now will to start feeding my cat tuna from my ass without worrying about my ass smelling like tuna after its finished. Thank you modern technology for allowing me to fufill my dreams of letting my pets hapily munch from my dingleberry free asshole!

Col O'stomy's picture

what a waste

Toni's picture

Whatever happened to the three sea shells?

dookie dog's picture

Wouldn't Ben Gay work just as good as this product? and be cheaper too.

evilash's picture


R@TTOE's picture

This product heals my lesions of doom that invade my butt and add to the fumes. I am a certified owner of herpefieditis, and now, I don't need to worry about the lesion juices smelling bad when I sit on them wrong. Please inform your friends and family about Sphincterine as a must have for anyone with blistering lesions.

Melanie Honeybuns's picture

I don't need sphincterine to feel clean, fresh, and confident. My ass ALWAYS smells wonderful...

BettyBidet's picture

I love Sphincterine, especially the travel towelettes, but hated having to order it over the internet....then it hit me.....the company claims their product is as safe as mouthwash! So off I went to the health food store and for a mere 5.00 bucks bought a 16 oz. Bottle of Tom's Of Maine mouthwash....spearmint flavor. The ingredients are almost exactly the same as Sphincterine: water, glycerin, witch hazel, aloe vera, and mint. (Sphincterine does have more stuff in it but the effect on me was the same) there's no alcohol to burn you or dry you out either, just like Sphincterine. I will still buy the travel towelettes but the mouthwash is great! Try it!

Anthony's picture

The Final Wipe vs. Sphincterine
The Final Wipe

cowpie's picture

Please tell me how I can contribute shit stories



Dirty Sanchez's picture

Until this here product is FDA approved and let loose on the market, try some baby butt wipes. I keep a little box on the back of all my terlets. Wipe the chute with the Charmin, follow up with the baby wipes. Repeat as necessary.

there is nothing wrong with wanting to be anonymous's picture

i am born very loose joints, which allows me to bend my elbows and twist my feet much farther than a normal person. this also enables me to suck my own dick. which has its advantages - apart from the fact you have to spend a lot of time turning down tremendous offers from travelling circuses worldwide.

though it's every man's (and woman's) dream to be able to give your filthy crown jewels a good old cat wash whenever you feel like it, for me this is like a walk in the park. when this is the way god created you, you grow accustomed to it and eventually take it for granted. where does a man go from perfection?

a friend suggested to see if i could make it to the ass but where is the motivation in that? my shithole is not particularily receptive to oral stimulation nor has it received any noticable attention in the michelin restaurant guide to put it that way.

with sphincterine suddenly there was a reason. i generously applied the delicate fluid around my stinker and started on the long journey of bending down, going past my v.i.p. member, my balls of destruction, and crossing the long area not listed in webster's dictionary, before reaching the final destination of my trusty old cable factory, the reward being none other then a tasty meal of sphincterine with a touch of bbq sauce. i am no longer surprised by the heroic accomplishments attainable by the human spirit.

frodge's picture

i luv the little puker

Mr Poo's picture

I used to be happy poo in my hostes ass. Why, oh why,did you do this to me spingshit? You took away my sweet crappy smell and replaced it with ment!! My poofriends don't regognize me anymore. Some, are laughing behind my back.. I, who was a master in "Very Crappy Fart" now I poof like a candy! I'm afraid that I am forced to take the matter up to the "Crappy Counsil for justice among Shits". I hate you!

Justone Pieceo's picture

i used to own 52 pair of shorts, each of which i wore for a week. this way i only had to run the washing machine once a year (on good years i could even fit in my handkerchiefs too, using just a reasonable amount of force). but for how long was adam in paradise?

though proud of my clever scheme, my friends and family ridiculed me. that did not stop them from steadily coming over to my house at the sole purpose of beholding the spectacle with awe. they even sold tickets to bypassers. however one day as they opened the closet, the shorts came crashing down and buried them like an avalanche. curiosity killed the cat, but who needs such friends anyway?

another problem was the bacteria development in the laundry box grew so intense that the stench coming to greet me every time i opened the lid was mistaken as biological warware by the feds, nevertheless officially considered a threat to national security.

now a sphincterine devotee, i am going strong on the third year with the same pair of shorts; they are as fresh as ever. and though it's against their policy, the second hand store on the corner were happy to resell the remaining 51 shorts after i treated them as(s)well.

moon ray's picture

i just want to correct my previous posting to saying "fatal fart" rather than "deadly fart", as i think this sounds much better.

people may say i'm a moron to actually spend valuable lifetime with mindless details that do not exactly contribute to world peace, but as the anal retentive perfectionist i am, i just HAVE TO DO THIS, OK?? it's in my nature, and when nature calls, i go!

Shawn St James's picture

All kidding aside, i actually found this article helpful. Lately, probably because of poop report, ive become aware of my OWN problems.

Just like you, i take 1-2 showers a day. Im also an athlete.

But the grunge budd is a problem after only a few hours!

I need this stuff

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Go lefty no balls! But I don't think it would work. Some asses are too far gone to save.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

JizzJazz's picture

damn f***y cool people in here, this is the shrine of the baddest most hairyest bitchasses ever, this site rocks ASS! good work hehehe. Will post a link here pretty soon with our new site,may be not as cool as this, but with lots of cock-n ball humour+some own made films. It rocks ass too:)

moon ray's picture

while teenagers, me and a friend used to throw farts in each others' face to see who would succumb first. approaching 35, i don't find this funny anymore, but my friend keeps on going though i told him a thousand times to stop. he still thinks it's hysterical and does not respect my personal limits.

after i reverse fed him with sphincterine, i really don't mind him shoving his deadly crap clouds in my kisser. the mint sensation is so effective i even stopped brushing my teeth, though you may argue that the effect is "second hand" (the ANALogy knocks me out like a deadly fart...)

lefty no balls's picture

what about something for our long winded occupent at 1600 pennslyvania ave?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I've worn the same underwear for a month.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Maybe this is what I should use! My ass gets really stinky on my long road trips and when I take my pants off even my dog runs for cover. Of course I can also shower, but what do I do in between?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mr Twisty Dick's picture

JizzJazz, I wring it out like a wet washcloth.

Sally's picture

Why don't you sell a roll on version?

JoyofLife's picture

Now that I have found this product, I enjoy having my head up my ass more often. Ah-the JoyofLife!!!:)

crazy butt sniffer's picture

asses, as far as asses go, genereally stink, but now with your product, i can sniff the stinkyest of butts with no problemoo, thanks butts are cool. peace out west side yo!

was2was's picture

i know some people that realy need.. i'll recommend it to them !!!why minty?

FireRabbit's picture

You have got to be kidding me..

Chuck's picture

Why do your ass have to smell minty? Just as long as it cleaned, and doesn't emit an odor, who in the hell is going to know or care that your ass has a minty scent or flavor. This world must be coming to an end!

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points

People, get real. Whenever you take a dump, simply wipe your ass with TP, then wash it with a wash cloth, soap and water. And please, shower daily. Let's go back to the old school way in keeping our asses clean!

fresher than pspringtime!'s picture

True story: My wife bought be a bottle of Sphincterine as a novelty present, but yeah, we've actually used it. Nice feeling, and you do feel fresh. However, constipation happens from time to time, and once in a while it gives you a hemorrhoid. I just got one yesterday and it kinda burns, kinda aches, kinda itches, is swollen and is an overall unpleasant experience. (I've named it George Bush).

Well, What do you know, there's the sphincterine and I say, what the hell. Applied it liberally to my aching anus grape, and MAGICALLY, in moments, it stopped itching, it stopped hurting so badly, the ache subsided until it was almost unnoticable, and the burn vanished completely! Like magic, I swear to god!

My only wish - that Sphincterine offered a soothing butt-balm with a firmer viscosity, thick like vaseline for just such an occasion. I'd buy 'em both!

Dr Ben DeHovher's picture

Hello I am Dr Ben DeHovher from Austrea.It is a shame You people dont take Rectal Hygene sereouse,I run a Rectal Clenick for truck drivers.Proctology On Wheels!A new service for the Professional Driver and his Unique rectal health care.Be aware of paper by products commonly called tolet paper,they containe harsh chemical byproducts that can sereously injure th e sinsitive rectal tissue.The Americian Anal safety society,commonaly called A.S.S suggest the use of a warm washcloth in small circular motions.For more in formation regarding you Rectal Health Care please stop by Dr Ben DeHovers Proctology On Wheels,comming to a TruckStop near you.

Sum Gi's picture

Yeee-HAAA, I agree with the dryanalrapist. The fumes off my ass are an aphrodisiac that makes women pass out. And then they're mine. All mine...

DryAnalRapist's picture

Sometimes your ass just stinks. You suck it up and get over it. That's part of being a man. When you can force feed your rotten ass to a pretty girl, it makes sex all the more pleasurable.

stinky's picture

I always wondered what it would feel like to smoke a cigarette through my ass. Now I know.

poopmaster's picture

i like to shit all the time and its great to have a good smellin ass!

the dao of poo's picture

Was this product invented by Insphincter Gadget? And...shouldn't you, Dave, have a section for this and other products? You could call it "Butt Plugs"...ass that I am, I crack myself up...

Stanker Pooser/Stanky Ass's picture

Are you people for real? my sister came across this and was hysterical laughing for hours, and emailed this to everyone she knows, but I am wondering is this a joke? or is this for real? This is truly too funny LOL!!! Everyone has a stanky ass & pussy or wang, that would be great if this product is for real..PS I love the Sphincterine song..LOL the name is great too!

Mary Hinge's picture

I love my new found anal freshness :-)
Thank you Stinkyass!

Sir Pinchaloaf's picture

My girlfriend used some of this stuff on me last night. God! the PAIN! She said she was tired of smelling my ass and she was taking matters into her own hands. OW! PAIN AGAIN! Thanks a lot, Sphincterine. Pain never smelled so good.

fresh hole's picture

if you people really have asses that stink this much you really need to sit back and re-evaluate your life. Have you ever heard of toilet paper? Next time try to wipe rather than leaving the dingleberries for others to smell

Ass Master's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey, heres an idea! Make time for a shower. You have to make time to take a crap, so hurry it up and shower too you num-skulls.

jayce's picture

My ass smelled like rotten eggs until I tried your product, now it just smells like a normal out house thanks

The Mighty Flatulator's picture

My ass smelled like rotten eggs until I tried your product, now it just smells like a normal out house thanks

Mr. Shit's picture

I used to sit on my dogs face and let him lick the shit off my ass.He didnt like it , but if he didnt i wouldnt feed him.Now that I use your product my dog cant get enough of my ass!!!!My Dog thanksyou!!

Bowelasaurus's picture

Just what we needed: Liquid Certs for the ass! I bet Sphincterine users can smell each other from afar. Perhaps as this product becomes used widely, Sphincertine clubs will be formed. They could even have secret handshakes ala freemasons.

phecis's picture

we all know that asses stink; 'there're two things you can count on in life,' as the old saying goes, 'that everybody you meet will have an asshole, and that it will stink.' if you're attempting to draw attention away from the fact that your ass stinks naturally, that maybe there's something wrong with you physically, then a minty odor is not the way to go. what says 'i'm trying to cover a foul odor' more than the smell of mint? even if what you want to do is just mask that odor, the power of the mint smell (coupled with the look of having just eaten a whole lemon because of the intense discomfort associated with having a frozen asshole) will lead others to wonder just why the hell you'd opt to even have a smell emenate down there (assuming they don't realize that you have a foul one anyway).

as for the effectiveness of the minty masque, i'm not convinced. the nose loves the sweet smell, but spends most of its time emersed in putridity anyway. most people smell like shit (trust me (and no, it's not me)); we just tune most of the putrid smells (sights, sounds, etc) out of our minds, only really noticing the worst. what could happen in using this mint stuff is that the mind will notice the smell of the really bad poo because it is noticing the smell of the mint at the same time, basically creating a new smell. this has the potential to drastically sicken the person doing the smelling and ruin any future for the smell-hiding market.

Juan Valdez's picture

Next to frappe slurps, there's nothing like the tingly afterglow of this stuff. Don't underestimate its importance in 21st century Columbian outhouses.

Love2Poopie's picture

On a daily basis I love to tell my friends about my poops. How they turn out: size, length, splash, no splash. I usually try to carve out someone's face as I poop, like an artist. This product is great for me and my artistic talent.

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