MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS I Poop and I Vote!  Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 Setting Sail With SphincterinePosted 04.08.2003 by Jasper (20)
When I heard I was reviewing a mint-flavored ass-tringent, I immediately thought it was a Japanese product. The Japanese, after all, are the magnificently benevolent civilization that gave us mint eye-drops. So it was much to my surprise when I learned they were created in upstate New York after its inventor -- or, more precisely, his girlfriend -- ran into a bit of undercarriage unpleasantness. Sphincterine, which combines natural ingredients like witch-hazel, aloe vera, and spearmint, comes in both 8-ounce bottles and towelettes. Unlike the Japanese product, Sphincterine is not meant for your seeing eyes, but rather your brown one.
As a gay man -- or as I prefer it, a "Butt Pirate" -- I've come to know my ass and others very well over the years. I think I've treated my little buccaneer pretty well; I've kept him clean and safe while still letting him run around the high seas. But not every seaman on the ship takes the same care. Now, I know there are quite a few people out there, pirate and landlubber alike, who don't mind a something a little off-kilter when they go a-plunderin'. I, however, find there is nothing worse than getting ready to come aboard only to find that the booty is less like platinum and more like pewter. With Sphincterine, we may have found a formula -- a philosopher's stone, really -- to change those lesser metals into real treasure. Maybe. With a great amount of skepticism and an empty date card (the sun had only just passed the yardarm, thank you), I set out on that great sea we call the Internet. After spotting a few junks in the water, I met a fellow picaroon; we'll call him Redbeard. The deal was he would come over, we'd both use the product, and then we would see how it was in action. I should let you know that before letting him try Sphincterine, however, I carefully checked over the ship's log -- pirates should always depredate safely. Redbeard, fortunately, was as clean as a boat on her maiden voyage. He passed my inspection, and I passed him a towelette. The next few hours were as tumultuous as an April storm on the Seven Seas. Initial deck swabbing revealed a cool hint of mint, not at all overpowering or sweet like many lubricating products out there -- the booty I plundered seemed as sanitary and as regal as Queen Elizabeth. There was no pinchbeck to be found, just the finery of a minty semi-precious jewel in a tasteful, non-reactive setting. The absence of undesirable denizens of the deep could be attributed to Redbeard's cleanliness, though I've never known any pirates to be so clinically tidy. Whatever the cause, knowing he used Sphincterine put me at ease, and the subtle rush of mint reinforced my confidence when it was his turn for the keelhaul. It's not that the mint cooled and refreshed my palate (the Listerine did that later), but I did feel less soiled than usual, and was able to set about pillaging without a care in the world. Pirating aside, I am now a convert. In fact, I feel as if I'm a member of a cusp-generation -- Sphincterine may very well be that great technological development that out-modes the ways of the past. In the future, whether they're frolicking with the maidens or plundering with the mates, our children may not have to know the unpleasantness of a scurvy pirate. The stinky ass will go the way of sextants, spyglasses and flintlock rifles. Sphincterine should be an essential requirement for all swashbucklers and sea dogs. I know I won't set sail without it again. Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 1 user and 236 guests online.
Online users:Thong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
