Sphincterine: Howard's End

Sphincterine: Howard's End

Posted 05.18.2005 by Pill Pooper (451)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It was the humble ass that brought down the mightiest of mighty: Howard Stern. One fine morning in April of 2003, Stern and his cohorts broached the subject of anal sex and anal stench; and that was all she wrote. The FCC levied a $495,000 fine against Stern, resulting in many Clear Channel and Viacom stations dropping Stern from their rotation.

Stern vehemently fought the fines, claiming that this particular broadcast was no more racy then previous broadcasts

Howard Stern as Fartman, back in kinder, more innocent days.

(see the above link for a transcript. To wit: "So you were giving this animal oral, and you said 'Man, you've got swamp ass'? Was that how it went down?"). He even went as far as citing Oprah Winfrey's discussion on "tossed salads" as a more obscene interview then his own. He encouraged his listeners to complain to the FCC.

And they did. But it really didn't matter. They were far more concerned with purifying our airwaves. To put it bluntly: the FCC had a big 'ol hard-on for Howard, and they wouldn't stop until they got him off our public spectrum.

Howard, the media mogul and publicity hound that he is, ran with it. He declared all out war against the FCC. He began citing numerous interviews and broadcasts much more raucous then his own. But it didn't matter. The damage was already done. Stern was now a marked man. Anything he said would be shoved directly up his proverbial ass. The fines just kept piling up -- totaling out, in the end, at about $2 million. Finally Stern just jumped ship -- he's moving to Sirius Satellite Radio in October, where the FCC has no jurisdiction and he can say what he wants.

And to think it all started with some poop talk.

And to think the man behind this poop talk is a good friend of PoopReport.

Howard Stern's guest that morning, the man who precipitated Howard downfall, was Bruce Last, the genius behind Sphincterine. It was Bruce and his "breath mint for your ass" who prompted the talk of the smell of the nether regions -- the same Bruce Last who is generously giving a free sample of Sphincterine to any PoopReporter who purchases the Journal of Ass Production.

Sphincterine started with, of all things, Listerine. Bruce was a burgeoning business owner, a proprietor of quirky brands of softsoaps and aftershaves and moisturizers. He had already created many successful products widely distributed through his At Last Naturals company. And then one day his buddy called and hit him with a bomb. His buddy had put Listerine on his butthole -- and his buddy liked it.

"I thought he was fucking with me," said Bruce when I spoke to him. "I hung up on him immediately. But a few days later, I was still thinking about it..."

Thus ass-tringent was born. After many beer-brained ideas, Bruce settled upon the name Sphincterine and started marketing the product, first

Sphincterine, in bottle or wipe.

in lotion form, and then in convenient handi-wipe. Contrary to the story told on Howard Stern's show, Sphincterine was not created to alleviate Bruce's girlfriend's reaction to his rancid ass stink. It's quite ironic that that fabrication for the sake of good radio would lead to the demise of Stern on the air.

According to Bruce, the infamous Stern interview wasn't even one of his raunchiest. It was actually fairly tame, by his standards. But now there was a fear -- after bringing down the most powerful personality in broadcasting, was Bruce a marked man? Would the mainstream media shun him, scared that he might attract the FCC as their audience?

Not so, says Bruce. He is still a frequent guest speaker on many broadcast radio stations, as well as satellite radio, including a nationally syndicated gay talk show on Sirius. In fact, after the interview with Stern, Sphincterine began to explode into the marketplace. It's recently been featured just about anywhere you can think, including in Time Magazine and on the BBC. It's currently in the NY Museum of Sex and the Andy Warhol Museum. Sphincterine's also been seen in many adult films, including A Rim With a View and many Seymour Butts films.

So what's next for Sphincterine? Well, don't be surprised if you drunkenly stroll into the bathroom at the bar and find a Sphincterine dispenser. In fact, we might even be seeing different flavors of Sphincterine. Personally, I'd like grape.

Bruce considers himself "Johnny Asshole Seed." He's believes he's started the anal revolution. Will Sphincterine ever be something mainstream, something you'd see next to the douche or butt paste in your neighborhood pharmacy? Probably not. But what you might see, instead, is a change in peoples' general perception of the ass. Could a product as simple as Sphincterine lead us to more knowledge and openness about the dirtiest of places? I'm going to say yes. The more comfortable we are with discussing the back door, the more likely we are to go to the doctor to get it checked out, and the more likely we will be able to discuss such a topic without fear of persecution.

We Americans live in a society that frowns upon any discussion that breaks from the norm. Others determine what is right for us to hear and see. (Editor's note: remember shitfuck?) If the conversation between Bruce and Howard had taken place in Europe, no one would have said a word or raised an eyebrow -- they're a lot more comfortable with the acknowledgement that our asses do, indeed, stink.

I say the hell with all that shit. America, stand up on your Fergusons! Tell the people who determine what we hear what we really want to hear. Let US determine what is right and what is wrong. If we don't want to hear poop talk on the radio, the only option we need is to be able to change the channel.

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FIST ME NOW! (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Stern is old.... He can't shock us anymore.

B O R I N G

ThreePly (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Meh, Howard's Private Parts books was better than the movie, and his show, whether its on the radio or television. I don't get Opie & Anthony in Cincy, so I listen to Bob & Tom. Howard's just boobs, chicks who will never get into Playboy, butt sex, and leftist bullshit. He's just lost all of his appeal to me. As robins said, you could air a show from five years ago, and it would be the same thing. He's boring nowadays.

Nice post, though.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 05.18.2005

Amen, Pill pooper!

robins dark colon (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Opey and Anthony are better then stern, they talk about different things everyday, while stern could leave a tape running of the same show from 5 years ago and you couldn't tell the difference.
You can only take lesbians and hookers for so long before your brain melts.

Howards constant Very left Wing bullshit is a big turn off also.

Oh and TRIMSPA DOESN'T WORK!!! the old formula, did wonders to my kidneys thanks to the old effedra crap they put in it.

anon coward (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Him and Tom Lycus make me smile every day during my commute. Makes life interesting, all the diffrent people that call in, off the wall topics. I for one am not a fan of everything being cleaned up just to not offend someone. But to say a waste of airwaves. I can think of many many more people who are just a waste of space. You can find them in prison, selling drugs, abusing their kids, in my office, yeah.. Compared to many things Howard Stern is a much better use of airwaves and space than many others out there.

C Everett Poop (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Howard Stern is an infantile, ignorant, peurile, lame-ass, bathroom humor spouting tube steak and a total waste of airwaves.

Marcos (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

what is this "ray dee oh" that you speak of

Marcos (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Seriosly tho i liked his books

Log Flume (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

ThreePly, go out and pick up an XM radio.You can get Opie and Anthony as well as a shitload of other great programming. Its cheap too.

Logjam (2452) -- 05.18.2005

First it was Howard Stern -- now it's National Public Radio. It amazes me that the religious right (who are largely the ones fueling these witch hunts since co-opting the Republican Party) at the same time feel like it is their life style that is under threat. I don't get that. And now, having gained the presidency and both houses of congress, they are trying to pack the courts. Heaven forbid they succeed.

OK, off the soapbox and back onto the pot. And thanks for the great report, Pill Pooper. I hope it gets picked up by the major wire services.

ontheshitter (not verified) -- 05.18.2005

Howard was hilarious back in 1982, when I first heard his show on WNBC in NY, and every "reputable" broadcaster trashed him. One claim he made back then was, "If I could only make some money in this business, I'D GET THE HELL OUT!"

By the 1990s, Infinity Broadcasting (Howard's owners by then,) happily paid a $1 million dollar fine to the FCC (the largest fine at the time.) Howard was making around $11 million/year by then--so much for his '82 claim...

Anyone, one thing he said WAS true; Paraphrasing him: "your radio comes with a dial for a reason: If you don't like it, turn it." I agree, if ass-eating, homo jokes, black-jew-hispanic humor offends you, tough shit.

In these repressive times, with Michael Powell at the helm of the FCC (Colon Bowel's son, btw, who's stepped into worse than this, and lost) Howard is a convenient target.

By the way, I absolutely hate the Stern show now, and haven't listened to it in years, even if I wanted to, they'd never run where I live now; he's an arrogant fuck. But, hey, everyone likes a good blowjob story, that's why most everyone who claim to hate him have transcripts of his show to which they masturbate to daily.

Craptastic (not verified) -- 05.19.2005

All the people that are ranting about how horrible Stern is are missing the big picture here. It's totally irrelevant wether you think he's the most vile thing to ever hit the radio waves. What is relevant is having the personal choice and personal freedom to DECIDE FOR YOURSELF wether or not you want to listen to him. When that freedom of choice is taken away, and the views of the few, dictate the lives of the many, where does it stop?
Who draws the line? What other choices will be next? People need to stand up for thier right to make their own choices in thier own lives. Screw censorship in all its forms. Although it can have an upside when it ends up making whatever its trying to censor twice as popular then it was before. This happens so often it kinda makes me think its not about "decency" at all but money, in the form of ridiculous and numerous fines... hmmm

ThreePly (not verified) -- 05.19.2005

For the record, I should say that the new censorship movement isn't just some ultra-right-winged-conservative conspiracy movement. As many will remember, our Democrat friends led by Tipper Gore were the founding mothers of the PMRC, who are responsible for the Parental Advisory stickers you see on albums today. Before they put these labels on the records, they simply pulled the albums from store shelves to prevent selling them all together.

As onetheshitter paraphrased Stern, "if you don't like what's on the radio, turn the dial." I personally don't listen to Stern anymore just because he's not "shock" anymore. There really is no more "shock" in radio. His interviews are the same towards every guest:

*Girl walks in*

- "Wow, look at you." (cue "what a piece of ass" soundbit)
- "Are those real?" (yes/no) "Take your top off."
- "Do you like 3rd-input sex?"
- "Thanks for stopping by."

Bruce (not verified) -- 05.19.2005

Pill Pooper did a wonderful job capturing the essence of Sphincter-ine and the whole Stern thing. What can I say, this episode was and continues to be great publicity for the product. And whether you like Stern or not, or your ass is swampy or clean, this is all about our comprimised freedom of speech. With that said, I gotta go take a crap and then I will gladly swab the deck with my product. There, I said it.

Keep It Mint!

PoopReport.com Rules!

Zappa Crappa (not verified) -- 05.20.2005

Hearing talk about ass smell has never harmed anyone. I don't even think that a child who stumbled upon that broadcast would be scarred for life. It's amazing that people who talk so
much about "freedom" abroad, are working so hard to take it away here at home. Go back to Russia!

Ode of the Earth Cove Stone (not verified) -- 08.12.2005

A voman in westers Pa. found an old newspaper clipping from the early 19th Century that said:

NAMMY found an old mummyfied pair of testicles in a storm cellar near Beaver Creek, PA. There were three notes, the third which said, whosoever blows on this phantom pair of nuts will become lighter than air, defy gravity, and, sutain a natural abiltiy to translocate anything through space & time. NAMMY IMMEDIATELY LEFT leaving behind the other two notes which were later found near a hollowed-out stome.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 04.07.2006

I like Howard Stern. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. His voice was calming as I drove to a job I hated. I think the ass and tits and the smell of anal sex is portrayed as the focus of his show here. It's really just a nice place to hang out in the morning. If ass stink pops into the discussion, so be it. When it's over we get back to talking with Corey Feldman, William Shatner, and Frank Zappa. It's a place where it's okay to be weird and funny lookin' like Beeteljuice. It's totaly candid... I don't feel as if I'm being lied to when I Listen to Stern.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 04.07.2006

I just don't know about that, Anonymous Coward. Is Jerry Springer really a journalist, for instance?

That guy in a turd suit (not verified) -- 05.19.2006

The American Taliban--right wing bible belt Republicans-- wouldn't be much different than Islamic fascists if they had their way. The societal repression is what makes ass jokes funny. Without the repression we poopers would be out of buisness because the controversy has evaporated. Still there is something innately funny about poop, ask any three year old.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 05.19.2006

Yes, ultra-conservatives are trying to shut out most communications, including the internet. However, as ThreePly stated, they are not alone. There are many politically correct, ultra-leftwing, bleeding heart, goody-goody liberal scum who want to clean our naughty little asses. Their reasoning is that it might "hurt our kids", yet they do more damage to kids than anyone else I've met.

That is not to blame the liberals. After all, if it were up to the ultra-conservatives the Bill of Rights would be replaced with the Ten Commandments. We would all be living as the Bible says (the King James interpretation, with its sexist, political leanings). Plus, I would be burned at the stake.

And it is conservatives who feel a need to call every woman who doesn't fit their mold (looking pretty in a housedress) "fat" and "ugly". Liberals say it too, they just whisper about it behind everyone's back.

_______
Cream rises to the top. So do dead fish.

capitan Jess (not verified) -- 04.28.2007

ok I was looking for something you had on your show a while back,,, it was a dr. and he made people have really long poops via pill or something,,, i just remember one guy talking about pooping 6 feet on the beach. do you have a link or know the name of the dr. so i can see his site it would be great if so ... not for my pooping pleasure btw just for funny factor.(like you believe that)