Suppositories: The Violation You'll Be Happy About

// // 53 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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A few months ago, I began having a rather annoying problem. Every time I dropped the kids off at the pool, any subsequent walking would cause me first to itch, then to burn, and then to bleed.

It wasn't any sort of internal bleeding; it was coming right from the ring of fire itself. When I made it back to the throne and re-wiped, I would discover a repulsive mixture of blood and excrement that looked as bad as it smelled. This went on for longer than it should have, mainly because I figured it would go away on its own, and also because I don't like doctors. But once it started getting worse, I gave in and sought medical attention.








It's not the size -- it's the fact that it goes IN where everything else goes OUT.





One thing led to another, and after a chain of referrals and a flurry of paperwork, I found myself at the ass doctor. He and his two female assistants violated me with everything from warm water to a digital video camera (and I think they may also have poked some golf balls up there, just to amuse themselves).

And when the ordeal was over, they handed me a brochure: Anal Fissures: What You Should Know. Then they let me put my pants back on and told me to wait in a conference room for a chat with the doctor.

While I was waiting, I got to read the horrifically frightening and horrendously graphic details of my ailment. In the simplest sense, anal fissures are cuts or tears in the anus that cause pain or bleeding. Acute fissures are no big deal, and happen to any of us from time to time. But chronic fissures -- like mine, I supposed -- are a different story.

There were a variety of treatments, the most extreme of which is something called "anal dilation" -- as near as I can tell, this procedure entails wedging the patient's ass open with a tire jack to allow a group of midgets to climb inside and paint graffiti on the intestinal walls.

After a few moments of gap-mouthed page turning, the doctor arrived. He explained that although I wouldn't need any surgery at this point, there were a few "measures" I'd need take to ensure recovery. After describing the changes necessary in my dietary and bathing habits, he gave me the news that I would need to start using suppositories. The conversation went like this:


DOCTOR: So you'll need to start using suppositories.

ME: What does that mean?

DOCTOR: Well, they're made out of a salve that will heal the fissures. They're shaped kind of like a bowling pin...

ME: Whoa, doc. Find another way to put that.

DOCTOR: Okay, they're kind of round on one end, and you insert that end into your rectum. They go up there and melt, so the next time you have a bowel movement, your skin is protected.

ME: I see. So you just stick it up there and forget about it?

DOCTOR: Yep. Fire and forget. Kind of like a Stinger missile.

ME: Has anyone ever told you that you have a way with analogies?


On my way back from his office, I stopped off at a drug store and found the appropriate aisle. I stood before the shelf and examined my options, looking for the particular brand my doctor wanted me to use. To my absolute horror, an attractive twenty-something girl walked up and began looking at the hair care products tragically located on the adjacent shelf. I could feel her eyes flicker down to my ass in horror as I grabbed what could only have been the Super-Extended-Family-Size package. After a brief judgmental look from the cashier, I pigeon-walked home.

As prescribed by my doctor, I warily went back into the bathroom an hour after my next bowel movement. The instructions on the package were perfectly straightforward; even though what they were instructing ran counter to everything I've ever been taught to do with my ass.








If I wrapped this around my chest I'd look like Chewbacca.





My suppositories weren't shaped like bowling pins so much as bullets, and the fact that their side-by-side packaging made them resemble a bandoleer only added to the visual effect and rectal anguish. I did the deed -- and remarkably, not long after, the itching and burning was no longer itching and burning. I did tend to fart a bit more, but the farts actually helped to coat my rectum with the lubricant.

However, I noticed the real difference next time I crapped. It was totally effortless and pain-free -- as if I'd somehow dipped my turd in butter. Months of physical torment were over. However, the psychological difficulties and moral dilemmas were only beginning.

A few days later, curious about the magical workings of my new best friend, I picked up the box and read the ingredients. The first one was cocoa butter -- 85.5%. Sounds good. Cocoa butter has remarkable properties to heal cuts and minimize scars. Phenylephrine HCl -- 0.25%. I'm not sure what that is, but I think its in soft drinks, and everyone loves soft drinks. But then I saw it: shark liver oil -- 3.0%.

Alternating waves of horror and guilt swept over me. I don't think sharks can live without livers any more than I can. What a horrible act of disrespect by mankind! Sharks have existed for hundreds of millions of years. They are a pinnacle of oceanic evolution. And what do we do with them? We kill them and smear their remains on our irritated asses!

What was wrong with making this product from vegetable oil? Cottonseed oil? Margarine? I want to meet the guy who came up with this. I'm willing to bet that he commutes to work in an monster truck powered by whale blubber, wears a coat of baby seal fur, has dolphin-salad sandwiches for lunch, and wipes his ass with walrus pelts.

My daily insertions have changed from a moment of ecstasy to one of guilt. While I am more than happy to have my leaky faucet fixed, I can't help but think: how many sharks had to die to protect my anus from its own waste?

-- Jaybowel


53 Comments on "Suppositories: The Violation You'll Be Happy About"

laughing myself sick's picture
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Visual aids and everything! I'm so glad i had a custom made toilet seat built under my computer chair. Ever since i first started reading the poop report, it has come in handy... this is no exception. I too have suffered from anal fissures. I never thought of the Chewbacca bandolier thing... great way to amuse oneself in the potty room. Maybe i'll add one to my kids' dress-up box. I love suppositories... everything from spreading nice n wide to get em in there, and certainly the way your poop just slides right out afterwards. The ones I use don't have shark's liver oil, though... they have glycerine. I'm not sure if any animal had to be sacrificed for glycerine... but I wouldn't feel guilty. I'd kill a whole herd of baby bunnies for their essential oils if it produced a slick poo for me. *shrug*

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Strange that this story posted today...my wife had her 4th operation in 6 months on her asshole this morning.

She has had some nasty anal fissures that keep reoccuring and they become infected.

The first one that was removed last July was as big as an orange.

If this ordeal of hers ever ends, hopefully she will write a story about it. She is too touchy about it all right now, but time heals all wounds, even bunghole wounds.

a concerned reader's picture
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Doniker, i've read a bit about your wife's plight. That totally sucks. What sucks even more is that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her stories with us. I'm not saying she should start doing the tour circuit, speaking to schoolchildren about her anal miseries, but time and again it has been proven that survivors of such tragic circumstances have much to share with the general population. Work on her for us, will ya?

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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She told me she will write something up..when this ordeal ends and when she has time. She actually has to work at her place of employment, not fuck around on the Internet 75% of the workday like I do at my job.

G Ras's picture
l 100+ points
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Awesome imagery... I sympathize. I've used them myself in the past, but not for tags... I pounded them up my ass to soften my stools. They had a strong wintergreen scent and made my business smell like LifeSavers. I could've put my turds in the cat-box to deodorize it and I had to be sure I flushed or the kids would've played with em!!--- Piece... G Ras

Perhaps I am an asshole and so much time has pass you probably won't even read this .... but in my defense.... this site is all about funny stuff that happens to us about shit in the course of everyday living.... and may I say in my story I too got shit

Mastercrapper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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Jayb[ill] -- HILARIOUS! Especially the dialogue with the doctor. Why do suppository stories always seem to involve hot girls? I got the flu in 2000 and the doctor gave me suppositories to stop me from barfing and crapping because the pills kept coming up. I didn't even flinch when he told me to shove 'em up my ass -- I would have sliced off a testicle at that point to stop the flow. But the ones you used, well, they almost sound like they make pooping ... better ...

Pooperscooper's picture
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I found myself at the ass doctor.

Priceless.

Jaybowl, can you or any of the denizens of PR mention the causes of anal fissures? Because after reading about your hell and what Doniker's wife is going through, I sure don't want to get them!

When you run out of suppositories, why not switch to an animal-product free brand? Sound like some are available.

Must mention that 4 years ago I tried a Chinese medicine tonic that is an old prescription, much favored by athletes and martial artists. It gave me the finest energy boost I'd ever experienced. Limitless vitality, but no restlessness whatsoever. I could have sat a one week Zen retreat, climbed a mountain on my bike, or pulled a 24 hour all-nighter at the library. It was incredible.

I told a Chinese medicine expert about the tonic and its ingredients. She sadly told me, 'I am sorry to tell you but ingredient X is from an endangered species.'

It was tragic but true: ingredient X is used in male virility preparations and as a result the unfortunate critter is nearly extinct. It was hell but I had to give up the one thing that had made me feel better than ever in my life...

But at least animal product free suppositories are available. Check 'em out.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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My wife's doctor said that anal fissures just happen, and it's quite common. Hers got so bad because she let it go. She has had a bleeding ass for years due to hemmeriods, so she just thought it was new hemmeriods.

My father had anal fissures that were bad. I will never forget the trauma I suffered when I was about 10 years old and my father was in the hospital getting his asshole operated on. A day after the operation we went to visit him. We walked in on my father and 2 doctors. My father was up on the bed, bent over on a fours, as the 2 doctors, with flashlights, were probing his asshole. I will never forget that disturbing image of him or the image of when I was about 8 or 9 and I got out of bed and saw him sitting on a kitchen chair, naked, as my mother rode his cock, but that's another story.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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doniker,

"I will never forget that disturbing image of him or the image of when I was about 8 or 9 and I got out of bed and saw him sitting on a kitchen chair, naked, as my mother rode his cock"

You really should have stopped about one sentence sooner.

Pooperscooper's picture
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Lesson learned: never, ever hesitate to go to the doctor for rectal bleeding. Thanks, Doniker. And I hope your wife will recover from all this hell...and, if she wishes, tell us about it.

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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Jaybowel, great story! I love the part when you mention midgets going into your jacked open ass and spray paint. That is friggin' great! I want to draw a cartoon of that!

steamin' and screamin''s picture
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I like the herd of bunnies.

The_shitman's picture
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I realy think that treating your anal cavity is a good thing, I know keeping it clean is very important for the next defication and if you need to squeeze a fecal dropping to smear on a bathroom wall and make art.

HappyCrappyPappy's picture
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Although I am sorry for the plight of the sharks...Your story was one of the funniest I have read on this sight to this point. Great analagies by both you and the doc. Could you imagine an actuall bowling pin up there? OUCH!!

Skid Marky Mark's picture
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Hey, that reminds me of the CLASSIC story, "Bob the Anal Fissure." http://www.zug.com/scrawl/analbob/analbob2.html

If you haven't read it, then do yourself a favor. It's one of the best poop stories ever.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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ive had these cuts on my ass for nearly five years i reckon. Never was a problem, just a bit of blood on my paper but the last two months or so its been terrible. I think a trip to the doctor is the only answer but i would rather do a home job if its possible...man i hate doctors! ive inspected my anus, i have two cuts...one above and one below...i cant win!

rebelious hole's picture
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so you guys think if i rub coco butter on my anus is a good idea? i hate docotors specially when the look up you butt. thanks it will help me. =D

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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The worst memory in recent history was waking up to, SUPRISE!, a nurse inserting a suppositorie into my ass. Oh the horror.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Raggedmama's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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The first line of defence in the war against habitual constipation - I've been getting them/using them frequently for large parts of my life...and recently I find myself having to give them to my daughter! But they work quicker than anything else and they're safer than almost any oral medicine...

johnno's picture
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hiya ass sufferers!!! i just got mine fixed up!!! yehhhhhhh! the joy!dont overdose with iboprufen! see the doc,get some supposies and some cream,use lightly and let them work 4 a month,u will get a result!!i did have a lovely young doc push her middle index up my ass once but sadly she left the practice much to my dissapointment,shortly after!! lol! just got charged nearly 400 bucks to have my supposed anal fissure looked at for 30 minutes.no anal fissure but big big bill!! ok now,i think it was ibuprofen giving side effects,sore as hell,bleeding on the paper,general discomfert and itching after defecating,those wet ,disinfecting tissues really do help with wiping with soft tissue aswell! best of luck

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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My uncle, Ivor, is the inventor of the shark liver oil butt bullet. It has something to do with warding off vampires.

chemosavvi's picture
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Too bad that people have such a view of the shark--the only good one is a dead one. The shark's liver is a prodigeous producer of the oil which is almost pure squalene. Our livers make squalene too, all the time, but we keep no inventory. All the squalene we make is promptly turned into cholesterol. And ALL cholesterol is made only from squalene. I don't think the intestine is equipped to make any cholesterol from added squalene, but the squalene is a hydrocarbon and sure to coat things differently than any triglyceride like cocoa butter.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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According to the illustration you have to UNWRAP them??? That explains why I've always felt they were a literal pain in the ass. Helps keep 'em from slidin' out though.

butpirate's picture
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man i've been clogged for 4 days now i'm gonna try this out hopefully it works !!

whatthehellisgoinon's picture
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my god there i was thinking my butt bleeding meant i was om my way to the pearly gates! i am four months pregnant and never seem to plop anymore and when i do it like shiting broken glass, glad i have seen this humour and may get myself some bullets to play with.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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That is one problem I pray to GOD I never have. Geez I was in pain just READING that story! Cripes.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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My poor butt... I have read so much about it to try and find some answers. While I knew everything in this article already, it is by far the funniest thing I have read in a long time, maybe in my life, and it was still very informative. Truly, thanks for the laugh!

anusoras rex's picture
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this is by no means a laughing manor!! i don't care what kind of animal has to die for a relief or cure, it is sure better than human sufferage..

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Most animal testing is faulty. Maybe you should volunteer instead. C'mere, bend over, and relax. This won't hurt a bit! And it's for human suffrage!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Herbert's picture
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There's nothing wrong with animal testing. Many of our lifesaving medical treatments would not be available today had they not been tested on animals. Human beings are more important than animals.

At the same time, I don't support testing of cosmetics etc. on animals. We shouldn't cause animals suffering for frivolous or unnecessary reasons.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I had to use suppositories at one time so long ago I had forgotten about it until reminded by this story. I was very surprised at how easy they were to slide up inside, and they healed up whatever was wrong in a matter of days; I had the rest of that Prep H package for years until it finally got lost in a move. If my tiny anal fissure problem returns, I'll have to go and get some more. Good stuff.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Acutally, Herbert, there is alot wrong with animal testing. For one, many of the testing sites in this country use monkeys. One of them is located here in Seattle. They have been busted for stealing monkeys in Thailand and other areas on the other side of the globe where these animals are protected by law. Many of them die on the trip to our country because they are treated with little regard. When these animals reach the United States, they are abused harshly. I will assume you haven't really researched this much, because if you had, you'd know primate research is in a serious state on investigation as we speak. In the past couple of years, the Frederick Coulston Research Center was actually put on moratorium because chimpanzees there died from brain fry. Animals died over a weekend of intense heat abuse.... some of them died because the temperature went over 106 and they died of dehydration.

Just recently, the Cancer Research Center that I've boycotted for years in Seattle was busted by Kiro 7 news for extreme cruelty.

Here's the link....

http://www.care2.com/news/member/983472137/623455

Copy and paste it in your browser window.

If you think these incidences are few, you're not educated in the matter. So, no offense, before you decide that animal testing is "ok", get informed.

It's not who's more important, it's who's got the control to be empathetic. And if you can't see the logic in that, I hope you don't own pets.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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PS Vioxx, remember that name? It's recalled now.

Tested on animals.

Approved.

What good did it do?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This is the most stupid site ever!'s picture
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Thumbs up daphne! those people who don't care about animal suffering sure don't have enough brains to even understand what you have just explained here! you think they will check out the link you have posted here?! naah! they're just too busy playing in their asses! what's with the stupid site anyway! poop fetish scumbags!

damethatsgame's picture
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Talking about anal fissures...I had my share when I was 15 and they are currently occurring right now. I figured I can learn by all of your past experiences. Suppositories sounds real good. I just like the fact of having to stick my finger up my tight hole or a man's hole. I love the act of these embarrassing medical procedures that I'm trying to get medical insurance to get these testings. I heard DOCTORS are the best lovers. I love anal sex! The Doc would know what would hurt and what way wouldn't hurt. So why not have it done right and professionally. After all...THEY ARE THE EXPERTS OF HUMAN BODIES!!! They are the masters of bodily functions. I want my Doctor to be a good looking man with big fat fingers. I want everything.

Can anybody tell me what I'm in for? What's the doctor going to do to me on my first visit and thereon?

How do I get them to take my temperature rectally without having to feel ashamed? I believe the rectal is the most accurate. When I go I want it to be well worth the humiliation.

Why do we grow-up to be fixated on our asses? When I have anal sex, I'm not embarrassed. But just the thought of a person who doesn't turn you on is in your most intimate place and probing you. The worst is...CAN THEY AT LEAST MAKE IT QUITE ACQUAINTING? Such as smile and pretend flirting with me to kind of make it feel more relaxed. Does anyone feel the same way? I wish I was a doctor...I would get very sociable with my patients to have them feel like it's a seduction rather than an invasive, embarrassing, uncomfortable situation.

Are there doctors out there that would want to do the procedure on me in a manner that would make me feel comfortable? After all, I'm oriental and sexy.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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The old finger up the butt for a prostate exam is a humiliation all guys must learn to put up with. The worst part is when it's over and the doc hands you some tissue and says, "here, clean yourself up!" You feel like such a whore.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points
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_Whats even worse is when he puts a hand on your shoulder to reassure and comfort you. Especially when upon insertion, you notice he has BOTH hands on your shoulders.______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Hey, This is the most stupid site ever, if you were a doctor you would lose your license to practice because you are stupid.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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SP....are you by chance bipolar, or perhaps suffering from multiple personality disorder?


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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No Bilgepump, i am not bipolar. And i do not have multiple personality disorder.(i have been checked) Why do you say that? I do lack estrogen as i stopped applying my estrogen emolient due to a bad itch on my thighs that caused big ugly red swollen bruises that scar. i do suffer from chronic depression secondary to chronic pain. i should have said this is the most stupid story. i dont think the site is stupid. i think the doctor that wrote this story is stupid. It was a wrong word choice on my part. Sorry. I hope i haven't frightened you. Growing up abused and sheltered stunted my emotional and mental growth.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I misread your post above mine, you actually addressing another poster, not complaining about the site, lol, my very bad.....
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I forgive you. i was puzzled as to how you derived those thoughts.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

lindasuekristen's picture
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Awesome story, and info. Explains the occasional bleeding I've experience in that area for many years yet, no doctor has figured it out; it happens apx every 4 weeks. Will give it a try.
Thanks!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Chief said on 5/28/09:The worst part is when it's over and the doc hands you some tissue and says, "here, clean yourself up!" You feel like such a whore.

Better than when the vag doctor cranks you open and then throws a pad at you and tells you it might be a bloody mess down there for awhile. I mean damn if they're going to be so rough with you can't they at least buy you dinner first? And then they have the nerve to charge you?! Well you just got fucked twice.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Bullet Virgin's picture
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I gotta grant everyone -- the OP and the comment writers -- big props for making me laugh and feel good while my sphincter was trying to hold in the bullet-sized suppository I'd inserted into my virgin ass moments before. Thanks for making me more, uhh, comfortable during the weird masculine experience.

And...I'll never look at Chewbacca the same again.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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That was straight up hilarious !!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Seriously? The pap-smear is WAY worse. My doctor always thinks I'm going to die from all the blood loss. ARE YOU OK? I dunno, you're the doctor, am I ok? Trying to figure out what to do when the suppositories don't work. I take care of a special needs child that doesn't talk and poo is stuck in there. He had an enema 36 hours ago and it was pretty successful. There is more poo stucK though. Gave him a supp. 5 hours ago and nothing yet..

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Suppositories can be excellent medicine for the butt, but they are also good for conditions in which the patient can't take medicine by mouth because of pain, or vomiting, or enforced mouth closure for some reason. A good invention.

Anonymous Monkey's picture
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When I read this I about doubled over laughing.
I suffer from chronic constipation, have been for almost 5 years now. Suppositories are the only medication I haven't tried yet, and thanks to this story, I'm a little less freaked out about the fact I'll be sticking a bullet sized chunk of glycerin up my ass. Here's hoping it works...

DirtySanchez's picture
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I just used my first suppository, and holy shit did that hurt. my hemorrhoid looks like a wizard I think but whatever. Hurts like hell, sitting up hurts, I feel like I gotta crap but its just gas.WTF

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I'm a girl and 24. I'm either pooping rocks or shitting water. I use them all the time.

Anonymous's picture
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I don't find that the suppository hurts at all. I mean there's pressure for sure the first five minutes. But fine afterwards. Definitely gassy though. I find that it ends up coming out a few hours later. If you happen to push on the toilet mistakenly liquid form. Anybody else find that happen?