The Turd Twister

// // 53 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The Earth is running out of resources. Our society is a wasteful one, and I feel that
it's our duty to reuse resources much more than we do. If we don't change our ways,
our over-consumption will destroy us.

So I believe in recycling and reusing to an almost ridiculous extreme. But as
much as I'm an environmentalist, even I have to draw the line somewhere. There is one
resource that just simply should not be reused. And since this is PoopReport.com, I'll
bet you can guess which resource I'm referring to.








The Turd Twister comes with everything you see here. Part of your balanced breakfast.





The Turd Twister allows us to reuse one of our most abundant resources. Why waste
money and raw materials creating modeling clay when we can easily tap an endless supply
of ass Play-Doh? Millions of turds are going to waste every day. With the Turd
Twister, we can reuse them.

The problem is, that's really gross.

The Turd Twister a turd shaper -- "a unique product crafted of the highest-quality
materials that will provide you with hours of entertainment and pleasure." The Turd
Twister is essentially a mold you stick over your asshole. Like a Play-Doh Fun Factory
for your ass.

The way it works is fairly obvious. You stick the "Turd Twister Extruder Ring" up your
butt and crap through it. Your poop passes through one of seven "Clinically-Tested
Designer Template Disks," which, like some bizarre Lucky Charms marshmallow set,
includes a heart, a five-pointed star, a ten-pointed star, a clover, a gingerbread man,
a lightning bolt, and, for some reason, a pine tree.

The end result is attractively-molded poop, which you can admire-and-flush, or retrieve
for use in arts and crafts. In fact, the extensive Turd Twister manual devotes seven
pages towards craft ideas. For instance, the book suggests slicing it up to create
aesthetically-pleasing poop-chips for use in mobiles or decorating picture frames. Or
you can dry your log out in the oven and use it as a unique paperweight.

Before engaging my Turd Twister, I carefully read all 32-pages of the booklet. It was
in-depth, informative, and quite articulate. I was a little thrown when I read the
disclaimer on the bottom of page 30: "IMPORTANT: The Turd Twister is a NOVELTY ITEM
ONLY and is NOT INTENDED FOR ACTUAL USE. We cannot be held liable for any claims
arising from misuse of this product. DO NOT STICK UP ASS!"

My eyes lingered over that last part. Do not stick up ass. In all caps, bold AND
underlined. They were pretty serious about that.

But I'm a PoopReporter. Sometimes it's my job to ignore the warnings and just stick
things up my ass.








I think I'd be lucky to get a quarter in my anal opening, much less that blue plastic behemoth.





So I go into the bathroom. Unfortunately, the Turd Twister is much bigger than my
sphincter. I tried inserting it using the various methods described in the manual, but
in spite of my years in prison, I just couldn't get it in there.

So I had to hold it in place. It's wasn't that gross -- I held onto the external
flange, so my fingers were nowhere near my log. However, you don't want to know how I
ensured it was positioned directly above my anus.

Then I pushed. Not an easy task. First of all, shit is used to a hole that expands
with the size of the loaf, and second, the template disk provides a much smaller
opening than my anus. After a few moments of straining, I realized I was going to hurt
myself. I decided to focus on slow, steady pushing.

After a struggle, success! My poop had passed through the heart-shaped template disk
and emerged smooth and thin and, although I wasn't going to retrieve it for a closer
look, it appeared to possess the curvature and indentations commonly associated with a
heart.

I admired my handiwork for a moment, until my nose reminded me that I was still holding
the extruder ring. The inside of the extruder ring was covered with leftover crap. My
original plan had been to wash the it and save it for another time. I had envisioned
the turd sliding right through the ring, leaving minimal residue. Not the case -- my
experiment left me with a couple of good dime-sized chunks that I refused to allow
anywhere near my sink.

Quickly, I put the used extruder ring in a plastic Ziploc bag. Then I put the plastic
Ziploc bag in a plastic container. Then I put the plastic container in a plastic
grocery bag, tied it, put that in another plastic grocery bag, tied that, put the whole
thing in the trash, and then took the trash out. Then I washed my hands.

So is the Turd Twister an admirable answer to our plague of waste and over-consumption?
Yes. Does it work? Yes, kind of, pretty much, if you really try. Is it easy to use?
No. Would anyone actually go through the process of retrieving, drying, laquering and
decorating their twisted turd? Probably. But not me. My girlfriend is angry as it is
that I even used the thing at all.

-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

53 Comments on "The Turd Twister"

Ennoia's picture
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Words escape me.

snang's picture
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Wow...heh...uh.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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Uhhhhhh?

alex's picture
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as you can see, dave, we're all quite speechless

Clustersnarf's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow, and here i was thinking it was just a rendered hoax... the Poop-Doh Fun Factory LIVES!

ThreePly's picture
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Turning poop into art. My only thought is what group of product design wizards thought this was a good idea.

Executive:"You just put a pattern disc in this cylinder, cram the cylinder up your ass, and poop! Haven't you always wanted a heart shaped turd?"

All I expect to make in my toilet is a few logs. In the time it would take to apply the Turd Twister, I could be reading a magazine or playing the GameBoy Advance.

RK's picture
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I already poop in heart-shaped turds. I'm surprised that anyone would need to use an exterior mechanism to do so.

Troy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Very brave of you to actually try it. Ha.

Seems like the blue ring should have a smaller inner diameter and the molds a larger inner diameter. Hmmm...

Bet the pine tree is supposed to be for Xmas ornaments or something.... I don't plan on decorating my tree with those (even though being in singapore it would be nice to have something to remind me of an evergreen around xmas time)!

Funny story! You are a true inspiration to the rest of us humble poopreporters...

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That WOULD make a good present for the person who has ALMOST everything! ^_^

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ugh, I just went to the site and found this paragraph,

Order today, and we'll send you our Turd Twister Starter Kit. The Starter Kit ships with our 7 most popular Turd Twisters for only $12.95. That's 7 laugh-inspiring, dishwasher-safe Turd Twisters, and that's just the beginning!

Like HECK I'd put that thing in my dishwasher!!

Phil's picture
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mmmm feels great.

Andrew's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Like my mate Phil, it really works!

POOOP's picture
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HAY WERE CAN I GET IT.

waldo's picture
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ew ew ew ew ew. ew.

i'm going to go vomit now. ew.

Big Daddy's picture
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Somebody find me a barf-bag!

me's picture
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the human race is doomed!!!

me's picture
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where do i send the video

^'s picture
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^

bulshitttinmeorwhat's picture
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never heard such a big load of crap ever!!!!!

Get the shit outa here!!!

Big Bear's picture
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Damn, this is great fun. I almost bought the thing until I read your article. I can't see myself cleaning this thing after every shit. But this is a really, really, great idea.

RugBurn's picture
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I love twisting turds! everyday, i poop in the oven and season my shit with some salt. After it's all salted, i brown them lightly at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. it also adds a nice aroma to the house, and well, down the whole block too. anyway, they are so delicious! i culd eat them all day!! just like ginger bread turds! i suggest you order the shit shaper or whatever today!!

Krissie's picture
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I love poop!

Skrubly's picture
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I don't see why this is necessary. I just do it the old fashioned way: Poop into the playdoh funfactory, then crank down hard on the handle. No fuss, plenty of muss.

Chip's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Who created such a thing? Sounds like some people have to much time on their hands.....disgusting. I like my man logs they way they are.

grossedoutchicky's picture
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this is just sick,yknow? who would want to bother shaping their shit into something like a moon, or a heart? like i would ever give my best friend a little birthday cake-shaped shit cookie? damn people have too much time on their hands

jeb's picture
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there's one problem with the turd twister, you can only make so many shapes, and they're all lame! except the pine tree i like the idea of having a christmas tree made out of poo. Anyways, the best way to shape poop is still the old fashioned way, by hand. they should make a turd twister for cows, if i was a farmer i'd be hella down to have all the cowpies shaped like hearts or little people.

ANGIE's picture
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EVERY TIME I THINK I'VE HEARD IT ALL; SOMETHING SURPRISES ME. I HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT HOW SOME PEOPLE THINK. IT'S SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOSH's picture
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A VERY INTERESTING PROJECT HOW VERY ARTISTIC

Andy's picture
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I think you should make a smaller version

Paulene's picture
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I am rather shoked this is a discrace...how can that huge ring fit up your ass?

anonymous's picture
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Good thing you put the thing in a plastic bag, in a plastic container, in another plastic bag and then another. Clearly you are very serious about reusing and saving the planet.

Lady Ballbuster's picture
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I'd actually heard of this, and visited the TurdTwister site a few months ago. But this is the first time I'd ever read a report from someone who'd actually tried the thing.

BTW, anonymous, there are some times when even the most environmentally-conscious person must put sanitary considerations above all else. Disposing of an O-ring smeared with shit is definitely one of them.

james penson's picture
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what if u have got the squirts? no heartshapes there then!!!!!!!! i prefer to have my dumps long,hard and log shaped.aahhhhhhhh dumpsville!!!!!!!!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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KID: Mommy! Mommy! I found some new Play-Doh!
MOM: Uh, sweetie? Why is it so brown and... smelly?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Hi's picture
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I gave this to my grandma you should of seen her face

Faye Smirth's picture
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It worked really nicely for me,nice shapes...it came out Great.The colour was a nice creamy colour with a bit of red dots on it.It looked so beutiful I had to Frame it.

Docter Evil's picture
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A guy was climbing up the ladder and his next door neihbour was following him.The neighbour said
" I used to think your crazy now I can see your nuts!!!!!!!!!Hahahhahahahahaha

flarto's picture
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Jesus should have tried it!

Mr Poo's picture
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WOW, This is the real thing. I love it. Question: Can you put more twister than one into your ars?
I lost one, I forgot the security line.What can I do now?

Joel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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poop is the greatest thing ever. I really really really want a turd twister so that I can make my poop look like a heart and then give it to my girlfriend and watch her eat it... we eat each other's poop... it turns me on

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sorry but I think I will pass on the turd twister.

Play Dough will have to for now.

_______
Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points
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*speechless* (almost)

The things Dave does for PoopReport!!!!!!!


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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_After reading the comments here...I found it interesting that so few real Poopreporters left any comments....interesting indeed.______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Whuddaya lookin' at me for????

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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Holy Crap, this is a blast from the past. Dave, I'd forgotten that you actually tried to stick that thing in your butt.

By the way, the very last line made me giggle like a schoolgirl.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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So, how does consumer report rate this item ? 4 brown stars ?

Poothagoras's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I don't understand how anyone can be not amused by this.
I find it disappointing that so few have expressed interest in their own or encouragement of others' further testing.
I continue to be awed by the dedication to the cause of the Poop Reporters who have come before me.

_______
Every poop is not to be told to every body.

Every poop is not to be told to every body.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Poothagoras.....Dave is not only the father of Poop Report, he is also the most entertaining writer by far. I feel that I must call your attention to what I consider the crowning achievement in his poop reporting crown, please read this masterpiece.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Shitmaker's picture
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Hi
I'm interested in this article, but i have a question. My anus is not as opened as the blue mold shown in photographs. Do you have sizes for small anus?

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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As my girl friend says..."That is so not going to happen."

Anonymous Coward's picture
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erm...this is.... disturbing

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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How can you judge what "disturbing" is if you are the one that found this site,this story,AND read it all the way through?I laughed my butt off and enjoyed a PR blast from the past!
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous's picture
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I thought this would be a good read while taking a poo... let's just say I pooped more than I planned to from laughing so hard! My stomach hurts so bad in gonna skip my work out today! Thanks for a great laugh everybody! Commentators included!

Signed,
Presently Pleasantly Pooping