The Turd Twister
The Earth is running out of resources. Our society is a wasteful one, and I feel that
it's our duty to reuse resources much more than we do. If we don't change our ways,
our over-consumption will destroy us.
So I believe in recycling and reusing to an almost ridiculous extreme. But as
much as I'm an environmentalist, even I have to draw the line somewhere. There is one
resource that just simply should not be reused. And since this is PoopReport.com, I'll
bet you can guess which resource I'm referring to.
The Turd Twister comes with everything you see here. Part of your balanced breakfast.
The Turd Twister allows us to reuse one of our most abundant resources. Why waste
money and raw materials creating modeling clay when we can easily tap an endless supply
of ass Play-Doh? Millions of turds are going to waste every day. With the Turd
Twister, we can reuse them.
The problem is, that's really gross.
The Turd Twister a turd shaper -- "a unique product crafted of the highest-quality
materials that will provide you with hours of entertainment and pleasure." The Turd
Twister is essentially a mold you stick over your asshole. Like a Play-Doh Fun Factory
for your ass.
The way it works is fairly obvious. You stick the "Turd Twister Extruder Ring" up your
butt and crap through it. Your poop passes through one of seven "Clinically-Tested
Designer Template Disks," which, like some bizarre Lucky Charms marshmallow set,
includes a heart, a five-pointed star, a ten-pointed star, a clover, a gingerbread man,
a lightning bolt, and, for some reason, a pine tree.
The end result is attractively-molded poop, which you can admire-and-flush, or retrieve
for use in arts and crafts. In fact, the extensive Turd Twister manual devotes seven
pages towards craft ideas. For instance, the book suggests slicing it up to create
aesthetically-pleasing poop-chips for use in mobiles or decorating picture frames. Or
you can dry your log out in the oven and use it as a unique paperweight.
Before engaging my Turd Twister, I carefully read all 32-pages of the booklet. It was
in-depth, informative, and quite articulate. I was a little thrown when I read the
disclaimer on the bottom of page 30: "IMPORTANT: The Turd Twister is a NOVELTY ITEM
ONLY and is NOT INTENDED FOR ACTUAL USE. We cannot be held liable for any claims
arising from misuse of this product. DO NOT STICK UP ASS!"
My eyes lingered over that last part. Do not stick up ass. In all caps, bold AND
underlined. They were pretty serious about that.
But I'm a PoopReporter. Sometimes it's my job to ignore the warnings and just stick
things up my ass.
I think I'd be lucky to get a quarter in my anal opening, much less that blue plastic behemoth.
So I go into the bathroom. Unfortunately, the Turd Twister is much bigger than my
sphincter. I tried inserting it using the various methods described in the manual, but
in spite of my years in prison, I just couldn't get it in there.
So I had to hold it in place. It's wasn't that gross -- I held onto the external
flange, so my fingers were nowhere near my log. However, you don't want to know how I
ensured it was positioned directly above my anus.
Then I pushed. Not an easy task. First of all, shit is used to a hole that expands
with the size of the loaf, and second, the template disk provides a much smaller
opening than my anus. After a few moments of straining, I realized I was going to hurt
myself. I decided to focus on slow, steady pushing.
After a struggle, success! My poop had passed through the heart-shaped template disk
and emerged smooth and thin and, although I wasn't going to retrieve it for a closer
look, it appeared to possess the curvature and indentations commonly associated with a
I admired my handiwork for a moment, until my nose reminded me that I was still holding
the extruder ring. The inside of the extruder ring was covered with leftover crap. My
original plan had been to wash the it and save it for another time. I had envisioned
the turd sliding right through the ring, leaving minimal residue. Not the case -- my
experiment left me with a couple of good dime-sized chunks that I refused to allow
anywhere near my sink.
Quickly, I put the used extruder ring in a plastic Ziploc bag. Then I put the plastic
Ziploc bag in a plastic container. Then I put the plastic container in a plastic
grocery bag, tied it, put that in another plastic grocery bag, tied that, put the whole
thing in the trash, and then took the trash out. Then I washed my hands.
So is the Turd Twister an admirable answer to our plague of waste and over-consumption?
Yes. Does it work? Yes, kind of, pretty much, if you really try. Is it easy to use?
No. Would anyone actually go through the process of retrieving, drying, laquering and
decorating their twisted turd? Probably. But not me. My girlfriend is angry as it is
that I even used the thing at all.
Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!