Aah Toilet Foam: Can Bubbles Scrub You Ass?
Also, introducing a new PoopReport standard for product testing.
|This story was a finalist for the best poop report of 2008.|
During a late night last winter, I happened to catch a commercial for a new toilet product. One that suggested it cleans you up in a new way. I can't remember what I was doing, but I do remember immediately picking up the phone and dialing the number on the screen.
I was about to order was a bottle of Aah Toilet Foam. The lady on the screen assured me that this was the future of clean butts and hoo-hoos, so I figured it was worth thirty bucks to find out.
My order arrived in a sturdy box with non-descript details on the front like any decent sex toy, porno, or anal lube company would use. How considerate of them -- I sure wouldn't want my postal carrier to know I use butt foam.
The Game Plan
It occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to truly rate this product with the spongy, minimal work-involved vegetarian croquettes I crank out on a daily basis, because my poops don't represent the norm. This product would have to be used on a variety of poos that ranged in cleanup difficulty to be fully tested. And so I compiled a list of poos the PoopReport community routinely reports that I myself would have to manufacture in order to assess the product's efficiency.
Basic poop. This includes my regular loaf production or any poop requiring moderate clean up. No runs, no Butt Mudd, no pebbles. No assplotions of biblical pooportion. Just your average, mortgage-owing, middle-aged, married suburbanite with 2.5 kids turd.
Diarrhea. Anything of a runny enough nature that defies poop solidity.
Period Poo. If you're a female, no explanation is necessary. If you're a male PoopReporter, period poo is diarrhea on steroids -- an angry mob of poop, slime, and blood whose main goal seems to be making as horrific of an exit as possible, to leave a path of destruction both in the bowl and on your ass. In the immortal words of Deacon Frost, "The Blood god's coming and after tonight, you people are fucking history." (Vampires probably know a lot about period poo.)
Hangover Poop. Hangover Poop is a stainy mess that offers no apologies. It seems to indignantly declare that "you did this to yourself, asshole" as it exits in an unmistakable spluttering of proof that you've achieved the zenith of bowl-covering messes. It's the vindictive mother-in-law of shit. It's one of the few poops that, if left too long untreated with Shout, will end up tattooing a permanent Rorschach test in your underwear. Not a skid, but a true blackish blotch that may or may not remind you of your own failures, and will forever remain due to the fact that you decided to have "just one more" six more times.
Poop On The Go. This would include any poop produced in a public toilet. The reason I included this is because, for the most part, industrial toilet paper sucks. It's a single-ply insult to your nether regions. It rolls instead of wiping, as if it has a mind of its own. It seems to realize that we're using it to wipe shit off our butts but refuses to comply, almost as if it wants to decry its own inadequacy through functional rebellion. Yes, the non-complying one-ply. The Che Guerrera of toilet paper. Industrial One-Ply: When You Care Enough to Risk Pubic Dandruff.
Butt Mudd. (Also known as Butt Glue, Butt Spackle, Brown Drywall, Ass Primer, Jiffy Pee Nutsack Butter, or Cheek Mortar.) This may be the worst cleanup a pooper can encounter. Butt Mudd is the result of a diet lacking in fiber, one high in processed flour and meat but very low in vegetable matter -- a paste allergic to toilet paper and in love with the surface of your ass. Most "million wipers" are Butt Mudd.
I had the first five categories covered. I have basic poop ninety-five percent of the time; I still have periods; I get the runs every now and again; I love wine to fond excess; and I will poop in a public restroom as long as it doesn't resemble a crime scene. However, I can count the number of times in my life I've had Butt Mudd on one hand. This review would only be complete if I -- for the sake of science -- temporarily abandoned my own ethics and ate my friends for a few days while avoiding beloved garden stuffs.
It was a sacrifice I decided to make.
1) Basic Poop. The first mistake I made upon the initial use of this product was to not first wipe up any loose material. Because of the foaming action and the resulting squishiness, I ended up pushing the poop around my butt more than cleaning it off. It was frustrating and messy. I ended up using five squirts and swatches of paper to get a job done that normally would take three at the most. The foam actually made cleanup worse.
Toilet Paper -- 1
Aah Foam -- 0
2) Diarrhea. Luckily, I was afflicted with looser bowels than normal after eating an enormous mixed greens salad accompanied by a glass of Paso Robles cabernet. It exited noisily; and when I looked into the bowl afterwards, it was scattered with wilted lettuce. "This should be easy," I thought, because there was little damage left to clean. Wrong. The foam even managed to fuck this up, and here's why: it's wet and is full of evaporating bubbles. Instead of cleaning, it adds to the mess by almost creating a barrier between the toilet paper and the poo. Again, I should have wiped the initial mess off with dry toilet paper.
Thirty minutes later, the rest of the salad exited Stage South. I wiped first with dry toilet paper and finished up with some toilet paper topped with a squirt of foam. I managed to find some remnants near Ground Zero that might have escaped eradication with only dry paper. We have a bit of success.
Toilet Paper -- 1 1/2
Aah Foam -- 1/2
3) Period Poo. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the time I bled out my vajayjay while making brown, thus causing contemplation as to whether killing two birds with one stone is actually nature at its most efficient or a fecal exercise into the ridiculous.
Having by now realized the error of my ways, I wiped with dry toilet paper first to get the majority of the disaster taken care of and then used some foam as a follow-up. It wasn't as efficient of a procedure as I'd hoped; those little bubbles once again spread the mess around, squishing out of the spaces under the paper between my fingers and thus causing me to use more dry paper to finish. At this point I realized there was a right and wrong way to use Aah Toilet Foam. It could not be used for initial clean-up because it caused the need for more clean-up. The only efficient way to use the foam was as an afterthought.
By the end of Aunt Flo's visit, I was glad I had the foam. It helped make the dastardly job a bit easier, but only if I used toilet paper as the primary wiping tool.
Toilet Paper -- 2
Aah Foam -- 1
4) Hangover Poop. Of all the liquors that one can imbibe with the intent of producing Hangover Poop, red wine may be the most proficient.
With reckless inebriation in mind, I came home one weekend armed with two bottles of Toasted Head Cabernet. My goal was to wake up the next morning feeling as if someone has fully stuffed my head with cotton balls that had been soaked in an entire gallon of Dumb.
"Doing some drinking there?" Mr. Daphne was observing as I pulled the bottles out of a brown paper bag.
"Yes," I replied. "I have to get drunk for PoopReport."
He found my claim to be dubious in nature and went into the living room to watch SportsCenter.
I ended up drinking enough to achieve the desired undesirable condition, and subsequently woke up the next morning with a hangover and the need to take a crap. As I stumbled into the bathroom and sat down my bowels let loose, painting the bowl, the underside of the seat, and my bum with black liquid. I sat there a bit, working up the strength to bend over, and hoped that my head wouldn't explode while I wiped.
I used toilet paper as the initial clean up material followed with some of the foam. By using the foamed paper carefully (because it was SO LOUD), I managed a bit of success returning my butt cheeks to their previously-clean condition. However, I needed to use a second application to get fully clean. The foam did refresh my bum.
Toilet Paper -- 2 1/2
Aah Foam -- 1 1/2
5) Poop on the Go. With our local Wal-Mart restroom as the chosen destination for this category, I left the house with a shopping list and a rumbling stomach. My gut cooperated fully; as soon as I got to the store it was time to poop, with not a minute to spare.
The dump was what might be considered normal, so I figured that the cleanup would be minimal. I was partially right. The industrial toilet paper did a decent job, but when I used the foam as the finisher, I ended up with somewhat of a mess. The foam made the toilet paper wet, and the wiping action created toilet paper dandruff. The key to using this product in public should you have an extremely nasty clean-up to deal with seems to be using dry toilet paper first and then using the foam, and wiping lightly when you do.
During this last week I was bumped from a flight on the east coast and wasn't feeling too clean "down there" by the time we arrived in Seattle, an entire day later than originally planned. The Aah Foam did a good job on my nether regions at the airport restroom, and I was thankful to have it. It was like having a little bath in a bottle, as long as I wiped carefully.
Toilet Paper -- 3
Aah Foam -- 2
6) Butt Mudd. With carnivorous debauchery in mind, I chose a pound each of ground beef and homemade sausage from our butcher, the plan being to stain my soul with meatballs and burgers. The time came to muck up my digestive track on a Monday. Sunday afternoon I made a large pot of meatballs and sauce and put aside three hamburgers patties for Tuesday. Monday morning I started in on the meatballs, avoiding any fruit or salad.
My digestive track immediately balked and I got the runs; but I knew this would be temporary if I continued. Sure enough, by Wednesday my bowels begrudgingly complied. For the past days I'd eaten meatballs, pasta, hamburgers on commercial white-bread buns, and had nary a vegetable save for some pickles. (Hamburgers need pickles.) Butt Mudd arrived Wednesday night.
It was a noticeably tarry stool, darker than normal, and with a pasty consistency. It didn't leave much of a mess; but what it did leave was stubborn and like glue. It took a few wipes with toilet paper to get the most of it off. Then I used the foam.
I declare Aah Foam incompetent in the fight against Butt Mudd.
As usual, the bubbles squished out and around instead of attacking the matter. I pressed harder against my butt cheeks to no avail; the skidmarks were going to remain skidmarks. Repeatedly I used the foam and fresh paper, taking care to flush a few times in case the end mess might clog the toilet; and yet the paper never seemed to come back clean.
In a last ditch effort of desperation, I used a flushable wipe to finish and was successful in cleaning up. Then I had a huge salad.
Toilet Paper -- 4
Aah Foam -- 2
I'd like to begin with usage discrepancies.
According to the site, each eight-ounce bottle of Aah Toilet Foam should provide around three hundred uses. In the beginning of this experiment I designated one bottle to be "of Daphne's usage" and one to be "of aaahco.com's" usage. My usage bottle is half full, used roughly sixty times. The bottle I designated for single squirts is two-thirds full and also has been used sixty times. If someone managed to get three hundred pumps out of that bottle, I don't know how they did it. I'm not accusing the company of lying, but I am questioning what it considers to be one usage/pump. Does this mean fully depressing the top mechanism? Or just leisurely depressing it until some foam shows up on the paper? My experience is that three hundred uses is not accurate if one fully depresses the pump mechanism.
They say Aah will produce twice the uses that flushable wipes will. What they don't address is that you can use a single flushable wipe three times during the same poop if you fold it over and are careful. This cannot be done with one squirt of Aah. One squirt equals one wipe or else you're using particles of your own poop to re-wipe. This misdirection of facts upsets me for some reason; it was a true statement, and yet it wasn't. It was, in my educated PoopReporter's opinion, misleading to the unflushed masses.
As to its efficiency, the results speak for themselves. I managed to abuse my bowels to create many different types of messes, and Aah Foam could not compete with even basic toilet paper, that low-end resource of poop clean-up. Using Aah Foam on your ass is like using dish soap bubbles. They only succeed in moving the poop around, pushing it away like a turd cushion unless the user is very careful.
Aah Toilet Foam is a great product to use as an afterthought to toilet paper, but it's unnecessary. If you want to use something after using toilet paper because you've had a rather messy poop, use a flushable wipe, a wet washcloth, or take a bath. They're all cheaper and work better. Remember, I paid around ten dollars for each full-sized product, and each of them ended up producing enough foam to successfully perform 100-140 clean-ups. Ten dollars of flushable wipes can purchase anywhere from 160 to 250 wipes, which is a better buy.
However, I wouldn't be fair to the people at Aah Foam if I didn't mention my appreciation for the trial size. There have been many times that I've benefited from it as a follow-up while using public facilities. I might even buy more of them in the future.
My advice is pass on the full-sized product, which makes me sad. We should be encouraging these companies because they bravely sail the mostly unchartered waters of commerce -- those that deal with the unmentionable areas that hide in our underwear -- and because they've done so with neither an anchor nor a map. They are attempting to bring the taboo subjects of butt stank and skidmarks into the mainstream. These companies (and their products) should be applauded. While I cannot give Aah Toilet Foam the PoopReport Seal of Approval, I can express my gratitude for their ingenuity and time.
My butt, however, will remain a fan of flushable wipes.