Aah Toilet Foam: Can Bubbles Scrub You Ass?

// // 59 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Also, introducing a new PoopReport standard for product testing.

This story was a finalist for the best poop report of 2008.

During a late night last winter, I happened to catch a commercial for a new toilet product. One that suggested it cleans you up in a new way. I can't remember what I was doing, but I do remember immediately picking up the phone and dialing the number on the screen.

I was about to order was a bottle of Aah Toilet Foam. The lady on the screen assured me that this was the future of clean butts and hoo-hoos, so I figured it was worth thirty bucks to find out.

My order arrived in a sturdy box with non-descript details on the front like any decent sex toy, porno, or anal lube company would use. How considerate of them -- I sure wouldn't want my postal carrier to know I use butt foam.


The Game Plan
It occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to truly rate this product with the spongy, minimal work-involved vegetarian croquettes I crank out on a daily basis, because my poops don't represent the norm. This product would have to be used on a variety of poos that ranged in cleanup difficulty to be fully tested. And so I compiled a list of poos the PoopReport community routinely reports that I myself would have to manufacture in order to assess the product's efficiency.

Basic poop. This includes my regular loaf production or any poop requiring moderate clean up. No runs, no Butt Mudd, no pebbles. No assplotions of biblical pooportion. Just your average, mortgage-owing, middle-aged, married suburbanite with 2.5 kids turd.

Diarrhea. Anything of a runny enough nature that defies poop solidity.

Period Poo. If you're a female, no explanation is necessary. If you're a male PoopReporter, period poo is diarrhea on steroids -- an angry mob of poop, slime, and blood whose main goal seems to be making as horrific of an exit as possible, to leave a path of destruction both in the bowl and on your ass. In the immortal words of Deacon Frost, "The Blood god's coming and after tonight, you people are fucking history." (Vampires probably know a lot about period poo.)

Hangover Poop. Hangover Poop is a stainy mess that offers no apologies. It seems to indignantly declare that "you did this to yourself, asshole" as it exits in an unmistakable spluttering of proof that you've achieved the zenith of bowl-covering messes. It's the vindictive mother-in-law of shit. It's one of the few poops that, if left too long untreated with Shout, will end up tattooing a permanent Rorschach test in your underwear. Not a skid, but a true blackish blotch that may or may not remind you of your own failures, and will forever remain due to the fact that you decided to have "just one more" six more times.

Poop On The Go. This would include any poop produced in a public toilet. The reason I included this is because, for the most part, industrial toilet paper sucks. It's a single-ply insult to your nether regions. It rolls instead of wiping, as if it has a mind of its own. It seems to realize that we're using it to wipe shit off our butts but refuses to comply, almost as if it wants to decry its own inadequacy through functional rebellion. Yes, the non-complying one-ply. The Che Guerrera of toilet paper. Industrial One-Ply: When You Care Enough to Risk Pubic Dandruff.

Butt Mudd. (Also known as Butt Glue, Butt Spackle, Brown Drywall, Ass Primer, Jiffy Pee Nutsack Butter, or Cheek Mortar.) This may be the worst cleanup a pooper can encounter. Butt Mudd is the result of a diet lacking in fiber, one high in processed flour and meat but very low in vegetable matter -- a paste allergic to toilet paper and in love with the surface of your ass. Most "million wipers" are Butt Mudd.


I had the first five categories covered. I have basic poop ninety-five percent of the time; I still have periods; I get the runs every now and again; I love wine to fond excess; and I will poop in a public restroom as long as it doesn't resemble a crime scene. However, I can count the number of times in my life I've had Butt Mudd on one hand. This review would only be complete if I -- for the sake of science -- temporarily abandoned my own ethics and ate my friends for a few days while avoiding beloved garden stuffs.

It was a sacrifice I decided to make.



Results.

1) Basic Poop. The first mistake I made upon the initial use of this product was to not first wipe up any loose material. Because of the foaming action and the resulting squishiness, I ended up pushing the poop around my butt more than cleaning it off. It was frustrating and messy. I ended up using five squirts and swatches of paper to get a job done that normally would take three at the most. The foam actually made cleanup worse.

Toilet Paper -- 1
Aah Foam -- 0


2) Diarrhea. Luckily, I was afflicted with looser bowels than normal after eating an enormous mixed greens salad accompanied by a glass of Paso Robles cabernet. It exited noisily; and when I looked into the bowl afterwards, it was scattered with wilted lettuce. "This should be easy," I thought, because there was little damage left to clean. Wrong. The foam even managed to fuck this up, and here's why: it's wet and is full of evaporating bubbles. Instead of cleaning, it adds to the mess by almost creating a barrier between the toilet paper and the poo. Again, I should have wiped the initial mess off with dry toilet paper.

Thirty minutes later, the rest of the salad exited Stage South. I wiped first with dry toilet paper and finished up with some toilet paper topped with a squirt of foam. I managed to find some remnants near Ground Zero that might have escaped eradication with only dry paper. We have a bit of success.

Toilet Paper -- 1 1/2
Aah Foam -- 1/2


3) Period Poo. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the time I bled out my vajayjay while making brown, thus causing contemplation as to whether killing two birds with one stone is actually nature at its most efficient or a fecal exercise into the ridiculous.

Having by now realized the error of my ways, I wiped with dry toilet paper first to get the majority of the disaster taken care of and then used some foam as a follow-up. It wasn't as efficient of a procedure as I'd hoped; those little bubbles once again spread the mess around, squishing out of the spaces under the paper between my fingers and thus causing me to use more dry paper to finish. At this point I realized there was a right and wrong way to use Aah Toilet Foam. It could not be used for initial clean-up because it caused the need for more clean-up. The only efficient way to use the foam was as an afterthought.

By the end of Aunt Flo's visit, I was glad I had the foam. It helped make the dastardly job a bit easier, but only if I used toilet paper as the primary wiping tool.

Toilet Paper -- 2
Aah Foam -- 1


4) Hangover Poop. Of all the liquors that one can imbibe with the intent of producing Hangover Poop, red wine may be the most proficient.

With reckless inebriation in mind, I came home one weekend armed with two bottles of Toasted Head Cabernet. My goal was to wake up the next morning feeling as if someone has fully stuffed my head with cotton balls that had been soaked in an entire gallon of Dumb.

"Doing some drinking there?" Mr. Daphne was observing as I pulled the bottles out of a brown paper bag.

"Yes," I replied. "I have to get drunk for PoopReport."

He found my claim to be dubious in nature and went into the living room to watch SportsCenter.

Heretic.

I ended up drinking enough to achieve the desired undesirable condition, and subsequently woke up the next morning with a hangover and the need to take a crap. As I stumbled into the bathroom and sat down my bowels let loose, painting the bowl, the underside of the seat, and my bum with black liquid. I sat there a bit, working up the strength to bend over, and hoped that my head wouldn't explode while I wiped.

I used toilet paper as the initial clean up material followed with some of the foam. By using the foamed paper carefully (because it was SO LOUD), I managed a bit of success returning my butt cheeks to their previously-clean condition. However, I needed to use a second application to get fully clean. The foam did refresh my bum.

Toilet Paper -- 2 1/2
Aah Foam -- 1 1/2


5) Poop on the Go. With our local Wal-Mart restroom as the chosen destination for this category, I left the house with a shopping list and a rumbling stomach. My gut cooperated fully; as soon as I got to the store it was time to poop, with not a minute to spare.

The dump was what might be considered normal, so I figured that the cleanup would be minimal. I was partially right. The industrial toilet paper did a decent job, but when I used the foam as the finisher, I ended up with somewhat of a mess. The foam made the toilet paper wet, and the wiping action created toilet paper dandruff. The key to using this product in public should you have an extremely nasty clean-up to deal with seems to be using dry toilet paper first and then using the foam, and wiping lightly when you do.

During this last week I was bumped from a flight on the east coast and wasn't feeling too clean "down there" by the time we arrived in Seattle, an entire day later than originally planned. The Aah Foam did a good job on my nether regions at the airport restroom, and I was thankful to have it. It was like having a little bath in a bottle, as long as I wiped carefully.

Toilet Paper -- 3
Aah Foam -- 2


6) Butt Mudd. With carnivorous debauchery in mind, I chose a pound each of ground beef and homemade sausage from our butcher, the plan being to stain my soul with meatballs and burgers. The time came to muck up my digestive track on a Monday. Sunday afternoon I made a large pot of meatballs and sauce and put aside three hamburgers patties for Tuesday. Monday morning I started in on the meatballs, avoiding any fruit or salad.

My digestive track immediately balked and I got the runs; but I knew this would be temporary if I continued. Sure enough, by Wednesday my bowels begrudgingly complied. For the past days I'd eaten meatballs, pasta, hamburgers on commercial white-bread buns, and had nary a vegetable save for some pickles. (Hamburgers need pickles.) Butt Mudd arrived Wednesday night.

It was a noticeably tarry stool, darker than normal, and with a pasty consistency. It didn't leave much of a mess; but what it did leave was stubborn and like glue. It took a few wipes with toilet paper to get the most of it off. Then I used the foam.

I declare Aah Foam incompetent in the fight against Butt Mudd.

As usual, the bubbles squished out and around instead of attacking the matter. I pressed harder against my butt cheeks to no avail; the skidmarks were going to remain skidmarks. Repeatedly I used the foam and fresh paper, taking care to flush a few times in case the end mess might clog the toilet; and yet the paper never seemed to come back clean.

In a last ditch effort of desperation, I used a flushable wipe to finish and was successful in cleaning up. Then I had a huge salad.

Toilet Paper -- 4
Aah Foam -- 2


Conclusion

I'd like to begin with usage discrepancies.

According to the site, each eight-ounce bottle of Aah Toilet Foam should provide around three hundred uses. In the beginning of this experiment I designated one bottle to be "of Daphne's usage" and one to be "of aaahco.com's" usage. My usage bottle is half full, used roughly sixty times. The bottle I designated for single squirts is two-thirds full and also has been used sixty times. If someone managed to get three hundred pumps out of that bottle, I don't know how they did it. I'm not accusing the company of lying, but I am questioning what it considers to be one usage/pump. Does this mean fully depressing the top mechanism? Or just leisurely depressing it until some foam shows up on the paper? My experience is that three hundred uses is not accurate if one fully depresses the pump mechanism.

They say Aah will produce twice the uses that flushable wipes will. What they don't address is that you can use a single flushable wipe three times during the same poop if you fold it over and are careful. This cannot be done with one squirt of Aah. One squirt equals one wipe or else you're using particles of your own poop to re-wipe. This misdirection of facts upsets me for some reason; it was a true statement, and yet it wasn't. It was, in my educated PoopReporter's opinion, misleading to the unflushed masses.

As to its efficiency, the results speak for themselves. I managed to abuse my bowels to create many different types of messes, and Aah Foam could not compete with even basic toilet paper, that low-end resource of poop clean-up. Using Aah Foam on your ass is like using dish soap bubbles. They only succeed in moving the poop around, pushing it away like a turd cushion unless the user is very careful.

Aah Toilet Foam is a great product to use as an afterthought to toilet paper, but it's unnecessary. If you want to use something after using toilet paper because you've had a rather messy poop, use a flushable wipe, a wet washcloth, or take a bath. They're all cheaper and work better. Remember, I paid around ten dollars for each full-sized product, and each of them ended up producing enough foam to successfully perform 100-140 clean-ups. Ten dollars of flushable wipes can purchase anywhere from 160 to 250 wipes, which is a better buy.

However, I wouldn't be fair to the people at Aah Foam if I didn't mention my appreciation for the trial size. There have been many times that I've benefited from it as a follow-up while using public facilities. I might even buy more of them in the future.

My advice is pass on the full-sized product, which makes me sad. We should be encouraging these companies because they bravely sail the mostly unchartered waters of commerce -- those that deal with the unmentionable areas that hide in our underwear -- and because they've done so with neither an anchor nor a map. They are attempting to bring the taboo subjects of butt stank and skidmarks into the mainstream. These companies (and their products) should be applauded. While I cannot give Aah Toilet Foam the PoopReport Seal of Approval, I can express my gratitude for their ingenuity and time.

My butt, however, will remain a fan of flushable wipes.

59 Comments on "Aah Toilet Foam: Can Bubbles Scrub You Ass?"

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

Great report, Daphne - forensic in detail and graphic to excess.

Sounds a kind of pervy product to me though. I think I`ll stick to industrial strength paper for wiping duties.

The voice of sanity

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Too much detail. I prefer not to think of the female ass in such disgusting terms.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

It's a turdy job, butt someone's gotta do it.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

I'll stick to spitting into the TP. If I need foam, I'll swish it around my mouth a bit first.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
0
0

Great report but I must agree with CEP on this one. I prefer to keep on thinking that if women really do poop they do neat little turdlets with the smell of cinnamon and other spices.

Leave the paint peeling kimchi and beer squirts to us guys.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

Good job on the shit list, looks like its a scam though. Seems like its just simple foam soap in a new package. Hi 5 for you being a trooper and trying out these new innovative products. I personally keep a box of flushable wipe on standby for the big phatman messes.

poovert's picture
0
0

another PR reader in agreement with CEP. Tell us more about the sex toys and anal lube you get delivered to your house.

Loocretia Kornmush's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Great job, Daphne. This was the most thorough test of a product I've ever been aware of. And thank you for going through that so I wouldn't have to!

Cannabem liberemus!

Eoz's picture
0
0

I'd like to see Billy Mays do that informercial.

I would agree that it's just soap. They have foaming soap dispensers (you mix 1 part soap with 3 or 4 parts water) that you can buy, it anyone wants to try this for themselves.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
0
0

Excellent report, beautifully written and meticulously researched and tested. I think you have covered the relevant issues very well. I see that the product is dispensed onto the toilet paper, not directly on the "affected area." I already do this, using Noxzema as my application on my last wipe--works fine.

One question: Did you notice any skin irritation from using this product?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Good question MSG. I didn't think to address that. No irritation; butt is rash-free, and thanks for asking. You can handle the concept that I poop. As to the men out there holding your hands over your ears while saying "lalalalalalala", shame on you. I'm a chick, I don't look like Rosie O'Donnell, and I poop, so Ha!

By the way, I love the Billy Mays comment....... brilliant visual, Eoz!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

Daphne, Billy's my favorite. I wonder if he would throw in some "mighty putty" if you call in the first 15 minutes.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Perhaps a Weed Aug...you know, for those tough dingle berrie patches. Great report, Daphnedear!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Prarie, after suffering from that case of butt mudd, I'll be happy if I never hear the word "putty" again.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

I will not again utter the word utty-pay. You took one for the team here and we owe you. I loved the report.

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

No animals were hurt in this experiment.If you see lettuce shit in the bowl a manatee used your toilet.Now I know The Rorschach Test is splattered shit.Those little toilet paper squares the size of White Casle burgers are worse then industrial TP.The greatest lies are let's have a beer and one more and we will leave.

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Great report, Daphne, fascinating reading and thank you for adding "toilet paper dandruff" to the lexicon. Ladies: when you're in the mood for love, be sure that there's no "toilet paper dandruff" down there before nudging your partner south.

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Is Head and Shoulders a good remedy for TP Dandruff?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

Coach, a propane torch applied in a gently sweeping motion will usually do the trick.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Looks like the first "green" product for a brown by-product.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Any product that leaves more of mess won't get my vote. I am a big fan of wipes. Especially in public situations, where the Tp may be of inferior quality.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
0
0

Coach.......Yoy have gven me an idea for a product to clear your personal galaxy of klingons. I shall call it "Cheeks & Buttholes."


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

Great report, Daphne. I really liked the "angry mob of poop, slime, and blood" comment. The first thing that came to mind is the crazed Bavarian horde looking to lynch Dr. Frankenstein's creation.

Now, the question I've got for you is, how did you get the bottle through security at the airport? I mean, as you're standing in line waiting for your turn to take your shoes off and acquire a case of Athlete's foot all in the name of National Security, they usually announce that no bottles of any kind are allowed through security, unless you want to claim that it's pumped breast milk for your child. But, in order for that lie to be credible, you probably would have to produce a child who's still young enough to require formula.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I get tired of the sexist comments on here, basically saying women shouldn't be allowed to be human too. You don't like to hear about it? Think how it FEELS for us!

I loved this, Daphne! You sacrificed for the greater good of the world. Bless you.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

I'm tired of women being allowed to share their opinions here.

(runs screaming like a little girl)


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Hi Deja. The answer is that the baby bottle of Aah Foam is 1.6 fluid ounces, and to go through security, all toiletries here have to be 3 ounces or less and all combined fit into one Ziploc quart bag. The Aah Foam was the only thing in my purse that was liquid, and it did seem to slip through security when they scanned my purse. Now that you mention this, I'm surprised that it wasn't pulled out in the six flights I flew for better inspection.

The only incident I had where I was scanned was in Charlotte at 6 AM. A security officer scanned my laptop bag and was overtly interested in my bean bag wrist rest. It's a 15 inch sock filled with beans that I put in front of my laptop, and I take it everywhere. The officer wanted to know what it was, so I had to explain it.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Comrade Poopov's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Daphne, awesome report! I laughed my nonexistent balls off about period poo. I'll be sticking to my regular butt wipes. Thanks!

Guys, we girls have nasty, explosive, sticky, stinky, runny, noisy, bloody, impatient, unexpected, ploppy, provocative (ok not that one), clogging up the toilet with turds the size of a baby's head type of poops. Just deal with it. We put up with yours.

_______
I slipped on the crap. There was two of 'em. They work in pairs.

Blowing you chocolate kisses from my butt...

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

I can't imagine what those TSA people see each day, so I don't think much surprises them anymore. While explosives are prohibited on planes, I have yet to be asked to leave my asshole in the terminal.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
0
0

I was in a local sauna a few years ago and asked the attendant,
whose name was Bubbles, if she would scrub my ass. She told me to go to hell. So the question for me was not, "Can bubbles scrub your ass?", but rather, "Will Bubbles scrub your ass?"


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Hey Chief, did you blow bubbles when you were are kid?

Cuz he's back in town and was asking about you!

LOL!!

Actually, I went to college with a dude they nicknamed Bubbles. He got really drunk and then someone put some dish soap in his beer and when he puked there were bubbles coming out his mouth and nose! The name stuck!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

I resent the bit about vampires.
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Vampires suck. No, really, they do, I mean it!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

Yes vampires suck. The question is, do they poop?

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

VAMPIRES ARE THE BOMB DOT COM!!! No, they don't eat so they don't poop.
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

Eternity without pooping... I think I will pass.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
0
0

Yes Leandra, vampires poop. It's called guano, and it stinks to high heaven.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

NO!!! They don't turn into bats WTF? They run super-fast (almost invisible) they're super-strong, and they're bizarrely moral for vampires...*shudder* don't want to think about that, fanfiction sucks...
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Tommy Boy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

EXCELLENT report!! Hilaroius! The things you do for this site is commendable Daphne :) No ass-foam for me, I'll take baby wipes!


_______
Piping hot! Ass-magma! DEMON SHIT!!

Piping hot! Ass-magma! DEMON SHIT!!

snowpea's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Excellent review, Daphne!

As a male myself, I am impressed by shameless feminine sh*tters, but Judging from some of the early comments above, there seem to be some of our number who inexplicably seem to have a problem with female defecators. Keep up the rip-roarin', butt-splatterin' submissions.
It is the only way.
It has been said that the emancipation of women is the hallmark of all functioning liberal democracies. Without it, we all suffer. Since PoopReport.com is something of a microcosm of the larger world, Freedom-Loving people everywhere should applaud your leavings.

Brava

lamexicanita86's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Brilliantly funny, gross, and entirely readable in a way that only a woman make it. Unlike some stories here, this one is actually believable. I think I'll go have a glass (or several) of red wine, and make a mental note to never buy anything advertised on TV. And all those guys out there who can't stomach the thought of a woman "doing the nasty" should refrain from posting their ridiculously exaggerated stories and stay home wiping their fannies with pages from Playboy.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

My dearest darling Daphne. I voted for you. Although it was funny, well written, informative, and all that, My mirth was tempered by concern for the condition of your bowel. How long did the experiment last? Did all these things happen in a month? Six months? Maybe a year? I will, not in this lifetime, have period poo. I have not yet, and hope to never have, "butt mud." Diarrhea is only a few times a year happening. Hangover poo is something completely different. Had a friend stop by last night. We started talking about boats. (as usual) We each had a bottle of port, and split a third one. Early (very early!) the next morning, alcohol had worked it's usual magic. I was ravenous! I wanted steak, (rare!) eggs, (sunny side up) hashbrowns, (crisp) all smothered with Tabasco, to finish it cooking on the plate. So hangover poo, is just... More volume? Anyway my dear. To your health! (just downed a shot of OUZO) I'd better defrost a steak!

lamexicanita86's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

My dear Squat-n-leavit, your experience on earth is missing something unless you have experienced the horror that Daphne correctly describes as period poo.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Daphne, you are a genius. LMAO, and I feel thoroughly informed too.

I'd take my hat off to you my dear, if I was wearing one. So, I can give you no higher honour than to confirm that next time I wipe my anus, I'll think of you and your dedication to scholorly research!

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

I think a dude wrote this...chicks don't really shit do they?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Oh, I wrote this, all right.

And I poop.

And I have bewbs.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
0
0

Daphne, when I first read this, I was fairly new to PR and didn't know you well enough to realize your animal loving ways. Nearly a year later, I know much more about you and have even more respect for your sacrifice. Excellent poop reporting.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
0
0

Daphne, define bewbs, please.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

mammary glands

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
0
0

I thought it was a fancy way of saying boobs. I just needed to be sure. Thanks.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

I thought 'bewbs' were a combination of boobs and pubes. Great report Daphne.

personal hygiene man's picture
0
0

Daphne, I have a new product called MB3 Personal Hygiene coming out at the end of Feb.2010 that has been 4 grueling years in the making. I got a kick out of your excellent testing of the foam product. I've been there,(testing of various other products, and testing my own for developmental causes, big exciting meals the night before with lots of beer in the pursuit of development!) but not as dedicated in the formation of the various test piles as yourself. Kudos.
I've tried the sprays, gels, and some all natural products, and of course, wipes. Staple of the industry. I did miss the foam product, but had tried foamy hand soaps, which were pretty harsh. Most moist products disintegrate the paper and leave those nice little dingle berries, sadly, as your fingers pierce the toilet paper veil with less than satisfactory results and disappointment. Some products burn or iritate.
Our product is a lotion that is used for the final wipe with toilet paper, and only a little dab is used, small as a pea, a little pea! I have had over 100 uses from my 20ml bottles, and actually tested out at 125, but would rather under sell, and over deliver.
Know what I mean?
It works awesomely,(?) but I know you've heard that before!
It's pH balanced, paraben free, no artificial coloring, no fragrance added, and no furry animal testing was used. It has been preservative tested and stability tested.
I would be open to an honest opinion from you, as I am confident that it will out perform some of your other test subjects, and be more convenient to use than carrying around wipes.
I plan on advirtising on Poop Report, as it's a no brainer for this type of product, but would like to know what it would take to get some samples to you to check out?
I'm not asking for a test such as you did previously, as that is quite a dedicated undertaking. "mb3products.com" should be up soon. Please check it out. You'll get a kick out of it.
Thanks for your consideration Daphne.
None the less, please keep up the good work!
personal hygiene man

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I sent you my address, personal hygiene man. I love writing these reviews!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

personal hygiene man's picture
0
0

Daphne,
Thanks, I did receive the info. and your confirmation of receipt of two bottles of our product, MB3 personal hygiene!
Happy testing!
As a shameless gorilla marketing ploy, and as I'm as broke as,well, shit, please check out our web site which went live Tuesday, 3/2/2010, at 12:32am! www.mb3products.com
We won't be google recognized for 3-6 weeks, so check it out through your browser connection.
As for the future, I'm as excited as shit, but...fully prepared!
Thanks,
personal hygiene man

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

MB3? If you started with AA1, then AB1, AC1, etc... What a bunch of research to get to MB3. Even Preparation H only had to go through Preparations A through G!

personal hygiene man's picture
0
0

You be surprised at all the good 4 and 5 letter names I had considered, butt, as you noticed, it would have taken a hell of a lot longer to get there. I did of course start out with the AA1, AA2, and so on. It was exhausting to say the least. I finally fell asleep, and when I woke up, the last cue card that I had filled out was MB3, and the name stuck! Check out our web site squat 'n' leaveit
at www.MB3Products.com
YOU, might appreciate it!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

Well Daphne... I see MB3 is advertising on poop report now. Would like to purchase, yet difficult to doo without one of your consumer report's style recommendations. Has Mr. Personal hygiene man sent you any product to test?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Yes! Stephen is his name, and he's really nice. I'm halfway through a review as we speak, as a matter of fact. I will tell you that it works one hell of alot better than the Aah Toilet Foam, and it comes in a nice, tiny bottle that fits in a purse or jacket pocket. It's about the size of a bottle of eye drops. For your butt.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

I will wait, with baited breath, and evidently, a less than perfect ass, for your review.

Personal Hygiene Man's picture
0
0

Squat-n-leaveit,
Thanks for taking notice of Daphne's review!
She did an outstanding review for me, and hopefully you have had a chance to try the product.
As I send all the product out personally, I don't recollect a purchase from Squat-n-leaveit, but suspect you may have gone incognito under an assumed name! You guys are tricky...
I'd be curious to hear of your real time experience with the product, if indeed you had a chance to try it out.
Happy defecating all, and have a good day!
Comb your hair,
brush your teeth,
wash your hands,
MB3, personal hygiene, that is!
Thanks!

Question:
Any of you have an "in" with Howard Stern???