This is an excellent PoopReport. I was on a cross-country flight a couple years ago, sitting in the back of the plane. I noticed a flight attendant going into the lav with rubber gloves and a spray bottle, about once every hour. Concerned that I was on a leprosy transport, I asked her what was up.

She said they try to clean the lavatories after every-so-many uses. I can't remember how many. 20? 30? She said the flight attendants have to use the shitters AND prepare and handle food so they like the toilets to be clean.

Great report. I hate commercial air travel. Should have had a link to that "Flying with Armadillo Boy" story that posted a while back. Good stuff.

I hate any kind of travel john. They should have the restroom that cleans itself like they do in most major cities. A nice all stainless steel bathroom that completely power washes itself. You pay 50 cents to go in and that should be used for cleaning and upkeep. And for 75 cents maybe that seat could heat up a little so it isnt cold. It should be powerwashed with good disinfectant soap as well.

Another Tip: If you only have to fart, don't waste a trip to the crapper. It's better to share with the rest of the herd, especially if you're setting in cattle class.

SBD is not about noise or stench; it's about sharing!

JUST GET YOUR OWN PLANE OR QUIT BITCHING THIS IS A GOOD STORY BUT THINK ABOUT THE SHITTERS AT THE AIRPORT THEY MUST HANDLE MORE TRAFFIC WITH PEOPLE WAITING FOR FLIGHTS AND OR PEOPLE WAITING FOR PASENGERS EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY GET CLEANED MORE THEY ARE STILL VERY FILTHY COMPARED TO THE ONES ON THE PLANE

Awesome article, Flight Attendant! Thanks for all the tips. Very insightful!

P.S. I can't stand it when people treat F.A.s as their personal slaves.

AC: Perhaps you should fix your capslock button. I flew to Reno not too long ago and got stuck waiting for the beverage cart after using the lav. I didn't mind and even struck up a conversation with the FA. They had a few delays and were so impressed by my curtiousy that they mixed me a few free drinks for the rest of the flight.

Be nice to others, especially in difficult situations, and you'll be rewarded. Thanks for the tips.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

NIL: Perhaps a spell check? Courteousness.

My personal rule is to push out as much as possible before getting onto the flight, and having a minimum of beverages in the time leading up to boarding. I have been in 1 airplane lav my entire life, and that was all it took for me to begin taking steps to avoid it.

If the Air Hosts are not willing to clean the crapper, there should be some one posted on the plane, that is. Airlines are major vecors for all kinds of nasty diseases. Even if it is not an international flight, there may very well be people taking secondary flights from places that have Ebola, Sars, and RBWD.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Let Me Add:

If you happen to be flying Aeroflot between Moscow and Stockholm follow this procedure very carefully .. ,

close the lav door with a tissue, drop your pants, and lean over and kiss your ass goodbye.

I think what is most neccesary, like others said, is in flight cleanings. I don't have a problem crapping inflight esp. in the beginning, but after a few hours, the stench is terrible and it's barely possible to take enough time to piss, let alone shit.

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

I'd like to know if airlines pump frozen shit out the back of the plane over the ocean or if it's contained in the plane until landing. If the latter is the case, is that why they stank so bad sometimes?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

The contents of the toilet are drained into a tank that is emptied on the ground. The truck that does lavatory service is known as a "honey wagon."

My tip is to avoid taking a crap on a plane if at all possible. Unlike your normal toilet, there's no water to contain the stench; your crap just sits there until you flush. Unfortunately, this isn't always an option, especially on long flights. The worst is when one befouls the first class lavatory after a particularly odoriforous evacuation -- one must be particularly shameless to walk out of there without a deep sense of embarrassment, for it is immediately apparent to all who did the nasty deed.

I agree with Sam. Why shouldn't a flight have a janitor? There's a whole job-market right there!
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"NEVER. ENOUGH. BACON!"--GoBoy

It's just a matter of time before Hollywood comes up with "Craps On A Plane." Bound to be scarier even than "Snakes On A Plane."
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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Great idea GGG,but airlines are looking to conserve money now.I'm surprised they don't charge you for taking a dump.You are lucky if you get peanuts and a cup of water now.You sometimes have to rent headphones and pay for food and drinks.What's next? Please insert a quarter for a sheet of TP.

Airplane Lav's are the worst. There is absolutely no room to move, and very smelly. Avoid at all costs!

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Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

I hate commercial air travel.
-CEP

What, as opposed to private air travel? I didn't know you were so financially endowed as to afford other forms of air travel. Me too. I also hate driving a Civic in rush hour when I can be using my hovercraft or paying 6 men in tuxedos and little white gloves to carry me in my chaise chair to the country club.

Turdle Dove, Methinks CEP is a Navy Pilot.

Don't be afraid of germs. Just squat and let your colon contents fly. Stack it up. Squeeze it out. Feel that boiling mess leave your body. Ahhhhh.

My bad. My bad. (about my other post)

Anyone interested in finding an alternative to our current airline situation, watch the South Park Episode entitled "The Entity."

I used to be a flight attendant in the middle east among other places, and those were the worst crappers. The Hadji's a lot of times don't know what a toilet is, so they'll stand on top of it while crapping. And then they get sick while waiting for their flight. They'd get the runs. Imagine then, when they go for a crap what happens, it squirts all over the small cabin.
On flights that were over 10 hr long, the toilets would get jammed/stuffed and they'd start overflowing. The Hadji's would stuff thick napkins into the toilet so that after a while nothing would go down. Where did it all go....flowing down the aisles. Section E and D got it really bad at times.

And passengers must remember, flight attendants are NOT trained in cleaning toilets, NOR do they have the equipment needed to clean them thoroughly! It's up to the passengers to be clean, and mindful of one another.
Flight Attendants are trained to fight on flight fires, and to respond to emergencies. That is what their training is focused on, and only that! Service is a secondary part of the training compared to the rest.

SBD's belong in the toilet! It's gross because it affects every one around you

I recommend never touching anyting inside the toilets, and also....never drink the coffee/tea on the aircrafts. The water also can be pretty disgusting, depending on when the aircraft got it's last thorough cleaning which probably was only while it was on ground for an annual check up

Aircrafts are filled with bacteria!

OMG. I never thought about the coffee and tea! You know how they say it's the recycled air that makes you sick when you fly? I'm sure there ARE germs in the air (of course), but now that you mention it, I wonder if some of the cruds that people get after flying is from the beverages! It never occurred to me! Wow.

Very, very good point!
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"NEVER. ENOUGH. BACON!"--GoBoy

It's not even the germs that bug me about airplane bathrooms. My problem is that the bathroom is always right behind a seat, so you have someone sitting there only about 5 centimetres away. I am very Shameful, so it really bothers me to have someone that close. Seriously, I'm even Shameful about peeing; I just can't make myself do it in public. Anyone know why this is? I can't be the only person like this...

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...and they all lived crappily ever after!

I flew from San Francisco to MNL RT biz class on Philippine Airlines last Dec. 2006 and a flight attendant was assigned to regularly clean the two lavs in biz class. Greatly appreciated. Don't know if the lavs in coach were similarly cleaned though. As a nurse I have been using tissues to avoid touching anything inside any public toilets, airplane lavs included.

Hey, I have four years of college education and tons of post graduate training and work experience, but I still clean poops! If other airlines (mostly Asian airlines)can assign FAs to clean lavs, I don't see why can't U.S. based FAs do the same. It's for everyone's health benefit.

What an embarrassing situation recently when I had been feeling ill and had the runs and went to go to the aircraft toilet inflight when the seatbelt light suddenly came on. I didn;t make it to the toilet before being marched back to my seat by an old grumpy flight attendant. Despite trying to hold on as much as I could, I had suffered food posioning from the night before and next thing you know I shat my pants. How embarrassing. I could feel the liquified shit had penetrated my underwear and pants and had gone into the seat. I just sat still and tried not to move a bit, hoping the smell would not escape. In the last 10 minutes of the flight before landing the smell started getting worse and worse and I noticed a few people around me twitching their noses. I just played dumb and waited for the aircraft to land and quickly grabbed a coat to tie around my waist and ran off the plane to the toilets. As I got up from my seat I noticed a round damp stinking puddle on my seat, which i covered with the inflight magazine as I left, to cover my trail.

We have an immune system for a reason, to kill germs. Don't let it get lazy. The many layers of self importance, fear, and paranoia embedded within this article are everything that's wrong with America. What a miserable way to live your life, being offended or scared for your health whenever you're in a public place that doesn't so closely resemble your antibacterial porcelain uterus of a home. Are you really going to drastically alter your lifestyle into a protective state of infancy, just so you can avoid the possibility of getting a touch of diarrhea? The chances of anything life threatening happening, or even just getting ill for a couple days, is a drop in the ocean. Why don't you worry about winning the lottery instead?

I am looking for a court case that involved airline poop that was flushed and landed on a farm. Please help.

Thomas

Good report! I remember my (freakish) flight unaccompanied once. I was told about everything but aeroplane toilets. The very first thing I said to the stewardess was, "Where's the toilet?" She then told me. So I went to the toilet (which smelled like somebody forgot to flush), freaked out completely when it flushed, came out breathing heavily and pretty much walked into the stewardess saying, "That was so freaky!" and she said "Well next time you know not to!" (No idea what she meant by that)

I then flopped down in my seat, which of course was directly across from the Evil Aeroplane Toilet of Doom. I kept on thinking it was flushing even when it was vacant. Eventually I got so freaked out I had to step round to the back and admit I was scared and the flight stewardesses (well one of them anyway) offered to flush it for me! I was like, thank goodness for that!

Turd squirter, Duh, They have the passenger manifest so they know who you are. Brillant thinking on your part.
Producing waste since 1967

Nothing to do with poop this, but I commend you to read and digest the comments of Nine Inch Log (12.12.06). The best advice I've seen on this site. ALWAYS be friendly and have a word with those who serve you - stewards, bar staff, waitresses, shop assistants, whatever. They deal with so many arrogant arseholes, they will appreciate it, and you'll get better service.

Being the first one out of the shitter in First Class gives it away all right. Thats why I normally go first. I just love stinking the place up. Damn proud of it too. It's my way of getting back at annoying passengers. And most are. They check their friggin brains in with their luggage...So, no I am not embarrased. The stinkier, the better. HA!

I would like to personally thank you with all my heart for such excellent advice.
I am a frequent traveler, and have used numerous lav systems from different airlines...
but for any more I use from now, I will always keep these advices in mind!

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To clog or not to clog...
too late - already clogged.

Given the current state of the airline industry, the airlines should implement a pay toilet system. The idea would be that a premium toilet, would have greater attention to detail..."GOING first class" would have a new meaning.

Given the amount of germs and general lack of hygiene in an airline lavatory, it's extraordinary that some people actually choose to have sex in them. Being over 6 feet tall and 220lbs, I find it difficult enough to enter the blasted things, turn around and sit down for a crap, so to have two people disrobing and subsequently shagging in the same space shows remarkable agility and determination. Although clearly, from the above article, there are so many different germs in there that those intimate body parts may as well be rubbed up against a turd.

I have not had sex on a plane, but I have spent an idle 15 minutes in the lavatory 'relaxing in a gentleman's way'. I was in Turkish Airlines flight going over Iraq at the time, so I figured that a quick bout of hand-to-gland combat was a necessary gesture.

One thing I have noticed with airline toilets is that men can't seem to piss without pissing all over the seat. Perhaps it's something to do with the slightly off-balance stature we adopt while in flight. Chaps don't aim very well on solid ground either, but in flight, well, they might as well do it blindfolded for all the chance they have of hitting the fucking bowl. I usually avoid this by sitting down if I pee on a flight, but I still usually have to make sure the seat is bloody clean before I do so.

Perhaps the basin would be more suitable for someone of your stature, Scumbag. It would save the problematic seating kerfuffle you go through, or missing the bowl when standing.

True, but I do enjoy sitting down for a pee. It empties the bladder in a most satisfactory manner.

E.S. check out my story "Turbulence ahead and behind" before you sit down and pee again. You'll probably start arcing it in from the aisle.

_Huh..and to think I thought Stewardesses were just blowjobbers who served drinks. I stand corrected..they fight fires too.______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

I am a stewardess on UK trans-atlantic airline. All the cooments are about the passengers using the toilets. We need to use the same toilets too. When I fly long haul I try to poo before I leave but inevitably the odd hours and crossing time zones means I cant. It usually hits me and many of the other girls after the first food service. I wait if I can till the lights go down and people sleep or watc movies. I generally go to the upper class cabin, and slowly off load my poop. I nearly always have to clean before i start, but I manage to have a good poop withoout making the place dirty, so I dont know what some passengers manage to do! I try to avoid pooping in economy at all costs. Some girls hold onto it and rush into their hotl rooms when hey arrive but I dont like doing that.

You have to feel sorry for flight crew members. No clean place in planes or in airports. Too many people, too little time and too few cabin cleaners any more. Odd as it may sound a blue room on a greyhound bus may be serviced more often and cleaner.

Flight attendants should never tell a customer that the CANNOT go to the washroom. I don't care if the sign is on. Sometimes there are emergencies and you need to be a little more sensitive to customers needs. People don't pay a lot of money to be talked to like that from a snotty nobody FA who could be fired for denying people their basic rights. That and otherwise they will have a nasty mess to clean up.

Sage advice, AC. And when you get bounced against the roof of the cabin because you were doing the gottapoop shuffle down the aisle during a bit of turbulence causing you to shit all over yourself, you can sue the airlines for causing you emotional distress and not forcing you to sit during an obviously very dangerous situation. It's just like hitting the lottery.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

An excellent article, and some wise comments from contributors. Looking after toilets must be the worst part of the duties of flight staff. And for some of us, toileting is the worst thing about a flight.

I am nearly 40, my elder son nearly 15, and my younger son 10. The boys have developed a very good toilet routine of their own, and have high hygienic and moral standards. They know that they should use public toilets for both purposes when necessary. BUT they hate using aeroplane toilets, like their dad. My wife and our younger daughter don't have this aversion. We males drink as little water on the plane as we need, and just have a drink of tea or coffee with the flight meal. If we are needing to check in early, they make sure that they have their bowel movement, and also empty their bladder before getting on the plane. The younger one was quite frightened once when using the plane's toilet for a 'wee'. His older brother went in with him. I had told them that sitting down was often the best option, but pulling his trousers down wasn't very easy. The older one held one of his hands while he pushed his penis inside the toilet with the other. We haven't had any really long flights with them, and they have organised their liquid intake. (There are other problems of using the loo on a plane - you often can't get pass the trolley in the aisle.) Their dad (me!) develops butterflies when the plane is descending, and usually has to drop his pants in a cubicle in the men's room after entering the terminal. My boys drink all that is left in their bottles of water on landing, and are ready to stand at the urinal while their dad sits elsewhere.

On a UK school half-term break last October, the five of us made friends with a family of four - parents and a boy and a girl. The males in both families went together on walks, whereas the females spent their time swimming and shopping. On the flight back we managed to sit together - 6 seats across a gangway for the 2 couples and the 2 girls, and 3 seats for the 3 boys behind. During the descent I knew that I would need an enthronement on landing, and it turned out that the boy of the other family told our two that he needed to 'go on the toilet'. It so happened that we were some of the last off the plane, and there was a long queue to check passports. I saw the most wonderful word in the world 'Toilets', and gave my wife our 5 passports, and the other man gave theirs to his wife, and accompanied his son - a bit older than our youngest - into the men's room. There was only one toilet vacant, and I let the boy have preference. His dad had a wee, and after washing his hands, asked if he was OK. He said 'No! I can't get the paper off the toilet roll.' We realised what had happened. Some of the modern paper dispensers, such as you find on motorway toilets, make it difficult to grasp the roll, unless you push it round. His dad said that when he had finished, he should pull his trousers partly up, get up and open the door, and he would fix the paper for him. Obviously he didn't want his dad to see him in that position, but seemingly had no option. It so happened that the next cubicle became vacant, and I managed to push a wad of paper for him under the petition. Then I looked after my OWN business. He told my lads about it - and they laughed together, though they were very sympathetic. They said he should have wiped the seat before sitting on it - something they have always done. Then he would have realised. He said he normally did, but was absolutely desperate and only got his jeans down just in time. We took over in the queue, and relieved the others to relieve themselves. There was plenty of time before we would be at the passport desk.