Alli: The Miracle Diet Pill With Teeny-Tiny Side Effects

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Editor's note: this was originally posted on the author's blog. It's reprinted here with the author's permission and with this editor's chagrin that we didn't break this story first.


I found this news on Salon.com and felt compelled to throw my two cents in. There's a "new" over-the-counter drug available in the US that's apparently flying off the shelves. It's called alli (note the way-trendy lower case!); and I use the term "new" loosely because it's apparently a lower strength version of a prescription-only drug (Xenical) that's been around for a while.

So what does this incredibly popular wonder drug do? Well, not to go all Bill Clinton on you, but it depends on what your definition of "do" is. You see, there's (1) what the drug company markets it as, (2) the medical description of what it does, and (3) the biggest effect you're actually going to notice.

The drug company markets it as a weight loss pill. They say it will give "safe, effective weight loss". And because it's FDA approved it, it must be good. What could possibly go wrong?

A simplified medical description of the drug is that it's a fat blocker. It stops your body from absorbing some of the fat in your diet. It doesn't burn calories. But fat that would have otherwise been absorbed by your body... isn't. Because fat contains calories, less calories will go into your body.

But here's the most important thing the drug does: it makes you shit oil. Worse, it makes you shit your pants. With oil.

This is not the ravings of some fringe conspiracy group -- this is what the company tells you itself on its website. "Buy our drug if you want to lose weight. Oh, by the way, you'll end up shitting your pants."

Neat, huh? No wonder it's selling so well. That large sector of the public that enjoy having their pants filled with liquefied shit has been seriously under-catered to up until now.

The drug company indulges in classic marketing bullshit that really pisses me off, but they still fail to obscure the horror of what's going to happen to you if you take their drug. The first bit of marketing bullshit they spin that makes me want to smack them in the fucking head is the old "eat healthier and exercise more to get the full benefits".

Hello?!?!?! If you eat less fat and exercise, you don't need their fucking pills. I'm sick of these sleazy companies pretending that they're promoting health. They're promoting bad habits and laziness. The subtext to the whole thing is "this drug lets you lose weight with NO exercise and NO change to your eating patterns". People who can eat healthier and exercise more aren't interested in this shit. But the company doesn't think it'll get away with an advertising slogan along the lines of "Fuck diet and exercise! Take these pills and shit your weight away!"

The second thing they do that pisses me off is deliberately using language designed to obscure the full horror of the effects of their drug. They can't even come clean and call them "side-effects" -- instead, they go with "treatment effects". Hell, maybe they're right, these aren't side effects. Side effects are incidental to the main effects. Shitting your pants is the main effect of this drug. It literally *is* the treatment effect.

Try as they might, their weasel words can't hide how horrible their drug actually is. Following are actual quotes from their website, followed by Mr Angry's no bullshit translation.

Website Bullshit (WSBS). You may get:

  • gas with oily spotting,
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control
  • No Bullshit Translation. The following things will happen to you:

  • You will spray oil when you fart
  • You will have diarrhoea
  • You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels to the point where you shit your pants
  • WSBS: "The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

    No BS: Oh dear god. Pizza is one of my favorite foods and these evil fucks have done their best to turn me off it for life. It will be very hard to look at a pizza again without wondering if someone on this drug has taken a shit on it.

    WSBS: "Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes." (my emphasis)

    No BS: Even if you do cut back on fat, you're still going to shit oil.

    WSBS: "...pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect."

    No BS: Do not go out in public after taking this drug. You are going to shit yourself. Stay close to a toilet.

    WSBS: "If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over."

    No BS: Don't say you weren't warned. You are seriously going to shit yourself.

    WSBS: "You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens."

    No BS: You're old life is over. Forget what you think you know about your body. You are going to fart uncontrollably. And there will be follow-through. This is not going to be something you want to share.

    And my absolute favorite (which is to say, the part of the website that horrifies me most):

    WSBS: "You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."

    Oh. My. Fucking. God. They are so sure you are going to shit your pants they are saying you should accept the inevitable. There is no way to avoid this. So wear dark pants to hide the liquid shit stains. And bring a change of clothes. Because your first set are going to get impregnated with liquid shit.

    To me, this is the ultimate evidence that western society is utterly fucked. You can tell people that taking a pill will make them shit their pants uncontrollably. And your pill will be an utterly out-of-control success.

    On their site, there is also a link to a video where you could "watch alli in action". I assume this is a video showing people shitting their pants. I couldn't bring myself to look.

    176 Comments on "Alli: The Miracle Diet Pill With Teeny-Tiny Side Effects"

    Turdy Two Poos's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Now I'm laughing so much my eyes are running and my stomach is killing me.

    Mr. Angry gets A++ from me for a great article with excellent use of righteous indignation.

    But how stupid can consumers be? Wear dark clothing and bring a change of clothes? Good God. That is scary.

    AAAAHHHH! People wake up!!!!
    _________________________________________
    "Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

    ___________________________________
    "Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

    Lori White's picture
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    The only way you have any problem with your bowels is if you cheat on the diet. My husband and I each lost 7 pounds in 13 days with ZERO side effects. We never strayed from the diet.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    FOR ALL OF THE ALLI HATERS...thanks for taking the time to research the product. You must have NO LIFE to be so angry about this. The plan is TO PROMOTE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE...NOT AN EASY NO GYM REQUIRED WORKOUT PLAN. For those that truly need help, and need to be educated on making a difference in your own life...this program is what you need. You need to DESIRE CHANGE, and by doing so, you will change youyr eating habbits...which by the way WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SHIT YOURSELF. YES, IF YOU EAT CRAP..YOU WILL SHIT IT OUT. But for the ones that make the changes and eat right, YOU DON'T SHIT YOURSELF, OR SPRAY OIL WHEN YOU FART. You simply get healthier by educating yourself. And if you happen to loose some weight, and get off of some medications used to control things like high blood pressure, diabetes, or high triglycerides in the process, then GOOD FOR YOU. Your health will improve, and your life expectancy will increase.

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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    AC ... You don't need Alli to change your eating habits, the main requirement is called will power. You can live a happy, healthy, and productive life and hate Alli.

    Talk about others not having a life ... sheesh.


    _______
    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    See link below for archived copy of the Alli webpage mentioned (now removed from internet) suggesting dark pants:

    http://web.archive.org/web/20070625134801/http://www.myalli.com/howdoesitwork/treatmenteffects.aspx

    Enjoy the surreal…

    Jace's picture
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    Hilarious... this made my morning. I laughed so hard I almost shit myself...

    i shit in my car on alli's picture
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    this is disgusting. don't ever wear a skirt and lace panties while taking alli. you'll shit on your best friends floor. At least it was tile and we laughed. what was not funny was when I was driving down the road trying to shove kleenex down my pants b/c A tiny fart turned into a cup of oily discharge all over in the car and on the seat. how embarrasing. and the website says women might want to wear a panty liner. I ended up trying to put one of my daughters diapers under my ass. thanks for the good times alli

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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    For those who criticize the alli critics: My guess is that alli has different effects on different people, to some extent regardless of diet. Some of the writers are the lucky ones whose systems tolerate the product with few or no side (or rear) effects; others would have the leakage whatever diet they consume. So lighten up, critics! Take into account human differences in bowel function and reaction.

    Stacy's picture
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    Yes Alli has side effects but they wear off after about a month and they aren't as bad as your describing...well at least not for me. I'm down 90 lbs in 8 months thanks to Alli. I can send before and after pics.
    And no I didn't have to do really anything to change my diet. :-)
    So yeah its fun to make fun of but the stuff is a life saver for some who have tried everything else.

    luna Moon's picture
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    I started the alli diet, I dont have any side effects. I started to eat low fat foods and high calories, I don't eat snack or junk food I stay away from soda and I even eat more fruits, I started a work out session as well. I am 160 and I am 5'2 I guess if your motivated and ready to do something, and if you do it right you wont shit your pants, I been on it for 4 days and I have no shitting side effects. Also I love how you have a log it helps me keep me motivated, into a route en instead of sitting around watching movies or playing video games I am working out going for walks. You just have to focus and have great discipline. Not every diet plan is for everyones body.

    Mandy's picture
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    I'm glad i read about this! I don't even wanna take diet pills anymoree. Haha this was great. Thankss for making my day.(:

    Johnny Rottenass's picture
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    I've been taking alli as a way to help offset problems with other meds that I'm currently taking and I'm using it in conjuction with a limited excerise routine.

    Right away... I shit for what felt like several hours.

    And then the taco grease style shits came along as well as my inability to discern between a fart and a potential pants-shitting escapade.

    Even still, I never trust my farts. Won't ever again. I hold them in until I can hit up a stall. It's bad enough my body is falling apart at a young age let alone having to shit myself constantly.

    This has been the funniest thing I've read all day.

    noneofyourgawdumbiznass ;]'s picture
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    I've taken Alli for 6 months now and have never experienced these "treatment affects" you're speaking of. My guess is that you're not a doctor :]. However just to clear up the exaggeration that you just posted, Alli GIVES YOU A HANDBOOK, IN THIS HANDBOOK it states that if you use Alli and eat a greasy BK quarter pounder, you're going to "get sick". Alli uses the basic method of all behavior modifications, action and consequence. Eat healthy, the drug helps you drop weight with no strange side affects. Eat grease, fat, fructose corn syrup.. then feel like shit. I agree, if you're a typical American porker that wants a magic drug to help you lose the weight while you sit on the couch and scarf down oven bake pizzas, no pill will help you... but if you're active and over-all healthy and take this pill it accelerates weight loss.

    and despite moronic opinions, this drug does not make you "poop" your pants.

    HS's picture
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    Like many here have pointed out, Alli is not for the timid. I do find it a little funny that this website treats as bad the things I find as good. For instance, being fat, I wished to God that I could finally be disgusted by pizza. TA DAH! Now when you look at a burger, and that old feeling of "hell, once wont hurt" kicks in, then your next feeling is "there is no way I am going to be exploding with oil in my drawers" and the salad suddenly looks tasty. Also, for those of us who are weak willed and need a reminder that our supplements are working, just check the bowl when you finish. BAM. You just ate a 1000 calorie burger and farted out about a quarter to half of the calories. It all comes down to why you are taking the pill. It will absolutely control your diet - your wardrobe and social life depend on it.

    There is also one more benefit for those of you who can send voice recordings over your cell phone to friends. Recording yourself in the bathroom and sending it has a great effect on the immature, and everyone has a friend who can appreciate it.

    Wink's picture
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    I bet the diaper makers love them and their drug.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    That is absolutely hilarious! I haven't laughed so hard in years! Sadly, it is all true! I first time I oil-shit my pants was at a party with all my neighbors in white pants after having my baby. I would have rather given birth in front of them, then shit oil in front of them. Once the oil gets on the clothing, it never comes out either. It is actually hard to wash off the skin. It is the most disgusting thing I've ever expereienced in my life. I LOVE this article!

    Alexandra Poop's picture
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    I laughed my butt off reading this page and some of the comments. After using alli sporadically for a few months, I just started experiencing the "orange you wondering why you're taking this shit" side-effect. Google sent me here and saved me hundreds of $ at a doctor's office.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    Thank you for the funniest article I've read since the story of raggot the gerbil and kiki. I was crying I laughed so hard. Thank you. And I won't be taking alli anytime soon. If I want to experience this, I'll eat a pile of escolar.....

    REX's picture
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    This sounds like a bit of a rant on your part. Maybe you pooped yourself; I really don't know nor care. I do exercise, a lot, but I also like a big ass cheeseburger too; and want to keep my cholesterol low. Alli make this possible.

    Poopaholic Steve's picture
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    Okay, I was laughing and crying so hard reading this post that I literally shit myself. I did not like it, so I'm pretty sure alli is not for me. Thank you for helping me see the light.

    MISS SLICK's picture
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    2 LITTLE BLUE XENICAL PILLS....LOVELY (DOUBLE STRENGTH 4U LIGHTWEIGHTS/OR NOT SO LIGHTWEIGHTS
    No probs here....
    2 Little blue pills later/room filled with peop

    Fuck... why's my ass wet... hmm and why's my fingers just gone orange in finding out.

    Sitting in an Indian restaurant isn't good. As I pull my top lower and excuse myself in a backwards fashion away from my seat at the table.
    Indian Loos.... not only couldnt I pull my jeans down fast enough but my high boot screetched and slid along the marble floor as my face hit with a thud on the sink basin with my jeans down to my thighs. Oilslipk... What a state and you cant flush it away... it bubbles like an orange jetstream ontop of the toiletwater as it squirts from ya ass like a wee. or in my case wheeeeeeeeee

    That oil/water seperation malarkey.... scum ring.... not a good look.

    Anyhow horrendous..... that's only after a buttered potato and buttered toast.... go easy on the dressing ladies... you could power up a jeep with a hose up ya panties and a burger in the other hand. Ingenious.

    In the mean time for all you orange squirters how the hell do you get it outta your bed sheet/duck feather duvet and week old new memory foam mattress!! when you wake in a orange puddle. Do you think a squeezy lemon might do it?. Bedding just cost $700 and not one teeny tiny lb been lost. Miss unhappy. Hey I've been thinking how I can traumatise my ex boyfriend for life though. haha Back to the gym tomorrow pills in the bin and thank god I hadn't gone swimming....

    Adam 032003's picture
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    I just ended day 2 of this crap and I am good one oily toilet is to much. Rather do Atkins.

    natacha1985's picture
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    ive beentaking alli for 3 weeks and have never had any of thoses side affects because i eat a lower fat diet on them as it instructs

    Anonymouse. 's picture
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    Well you also need to look on the bright side. Yes these effects are disgusting. But the extremes don't always happen to everyone. And some people can't stop eating disgusting foods. And if you get a bad experience, chances are ur not going to keep doing that. Its negative reinforcement.

    high from alli's picture
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    LMBO....people are hilarious. Funny stuff. Great entertainment.....horrible reviews. I'm a proud allian that takes the pill correctly....great results. About 30 lbs in a month. I gained weight recently and now I want it off and fast!! If you're smart...you know that diet and excercise and healthier eating is key....if you're dumb...you'll eat like you got a fat pill from a genie & end up with orange shitty stories...once again disatisfied with Your actions with a new excuse fo blame. If any product helps your body push out unhealthy oil.....that's a benefit whether you're overweight or not. And just because your unhealthy habits are being displayed physically (fat-ass) doesn't mean they're not there and doesn't mean you won't pay a higher cost with diabetes HBP etc. Life is about choices and if you choose to sit around expect for a pill to subsitute a lifestyle change.....I can see clearly why you're full of shit! I love alli (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED)

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    I'm sorry, this article made me laugh my tits off. Legit.

    Anonymous's picture
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    As a representative of Mirafit FBCx (Fat Burning Complex), I am happy to put all those who have expressed their concerns about Alli to ease with news of Mirafit. Mirafit is an all natural dietary technology without the unpleasant side effects.

    Mirafit includes key ingredients derived from corn starch called Alpha-dextrine. Mirafit works differently because it grabs and surrounds the fats you consume before the stomach acids can break them down. Each tablet of Mirafit can absorb 9 grams of dietary fat (that’s 81 calories). You can reduce your dietary intake by 500 calories a day with Mirafit while still eating your normal diet.

    Mirafit does not cause the rather foul side effects that many people have had with prescription drugs containing sibutramine or orlistat, or the over the counter Alli. Mirafit will not cause gastro-intestinal distress or other unpleasant side effects like oily stool, bowel seepage or diarrhea.

    Get started on Mirafit and learn more about this weight loss technology by checking out our website at http://www.mirafit.info/How_Mirafit_Works.html .

    Anonymous's picture
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    This is hilarious! I started Alli 4 days ago! I always poop regularly everyday! So that part of this didn't scare me! But, I did experience this oil thing everyone is talking about this morning! It scared me! Also, I find myself urinating more often! Maybe, it's because I use another diet supplement as well? But, like with any diet pill I do exercise (Supreme 90 Day Fitness) and drink a weight loss shake once or twice a day! I'm hoping to see results soon!

    Anonymous's picture
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    I don't think I have laughed this hard in a long time! Someone warned me not to eat to much fatty foods cause I will shit orange liquid.. didn't believe them! Then I was in work on my break, farted.. shit oil LOL! and its like a dye aswell, so there I was in work thinking 'Oh my god! what the hell am I gonna do? should I just leave work and never come back again?' threw my boxers away & keeping my distance from everyone in work! Just as well I had aftershave in my bag cause I sprayed my trousers like no tomorrow. Safe to say, I will never take these tablets again! Ps I never wanna see grease drip off a pizza again haha!

    Anonymous's picture
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    I took alli only for only 2 days..haven't taken any for 2 days now and I start with the oily fart this morning. It doesn't come out oily if I fart regularly in my pants but it comes out in the toilet. And the damn oil stuck to the bottom of the toilet and won't come out till I scrub it ...MAJOR GROSS OUT......plus the weird smell. No uncontrollable shitting....not taking this again ...ugh.......

    Anonymous's picture
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    This article is so right on the $$!! I have tried quite a few different diet pills & none of them had me crapping & farting oil

    Anonymous's picture
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    Ali, I am constipated as well all the time. This pill does not help me go to the bathroom at all or give me the runs. An I a medical mystery? I never go, really!

    Anonymous's picture
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    Funniest part? This: "That large sector of the public that enjoy having their pants filled with liquefied shit has been seriously under-catered to up until now."

    Anonymous's picture
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    Low fat diets are stupid and contrary to how the body works when it comes to losing weight. People that are promoting the idea of eating low fat foods, are deceiving people and causing lots of disease and sickness in America today. Taking a product like Alli is not only stupid but dangerous. I fully expect to hear that people have filed class action lawsuits against the company that makes that junk for causing gallbladder insufficiency and unnecessary surgeries performed by doctors that love to remove body parts.

    Fats have been demonized and these low fat diets are creating all kinds of health problems like gallbladder removals for one.

    We,as humans,are designed to eat lots of fats and in fact,should be getting most of our calories each day from fat. Limiting carbohydrate intake to 75 grams and increasing fats will cause you to lose weight.

    Carbs give you quick,fleeting energy that dissipates quickly and leaves you hungry. The 6 meal per day thing was created by the food industry to counteract the problems with eating so many carbs. Very stupid idea,but it does stabilize your blood sugar.

    Fats give you long,sustained energy allowing you to go longer periods without getting hungry. They slow your digestion of food to allow better digestion, add a lot of good flavor to food, and are necessary for good hormone production, etc.

    When you eat a low fat diet,the bile in the gallbladder becomes viscous and stones form, making the gallbladder insufficient. Since you need bile to emulsify fats into a watery substance, having viscous bile is not the way to digest fats well.

    Lipase enzyme made in the pancreas is a water soluble enzyme and cannot break fats down if they are not emulsified by the bile from the gallbladder.

    Get the book from a real expert, Mary G. Enig, Ph.D. It's called "Eat Fat,Lose Fat." Enig is recognized as the foremost expert on fats and oils in the world.

    Learn the truth and stop getting indoctrinated by these ignorant people that are taking advantage of this low fat scheme being promoted everywhere.

    Good luck to you!

    Anonymous's picture
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    Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaha!
    I laughed my ass off! This is the greatest shit I have seen in a long time! Thanks for the humor! Not to mention the reality behind it as well!

    Anonymous's picture
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    If you eat a low-low fat diet, which you should do anyway, you will not fart grease. Yes, the toilet bowl will have orange grease it in, especially if you keep eating pizza-burgers-cheese and whatever high fat greasy foods got you here in the first place; all it does is block a lot of the fat from going into your gut and runs it thru your ass.

    Actually I think its kinda cool because you can actually see the grease in the toilet, which otherwise would make your stomach,hips whatever bigger. I have no problem with it at all unless I eat something like pizza or deep fried foods then you pay the price. I would rather shit orange grease than continue being 40 pound overweight.