Alli: The Miracle Diet Pill With Teeny-Tiny Side Effects

m 1+ points - Newb

Editor's note: this was originally posted on the author's blog. It's reprinted here with the author's permission and with this editor's chagrin that we didn't break this story first.

I found this news on and felt compelled to throw my two cents in. There's a "new" over-the-counter drug available in the US that's apparently flying off the shelves. It's called alli (note the way-trendy lower case!); and I use the term "new" loosely because it's apparently a lower strength version of a prescription-only drug (Xenical) that's been around for a while.

So what does this incredibly popular wonder drug do? Well, not to go all Bill Clinton on you, but it depends on what your definition of "do" is. You see, there's (1) what the drug company markets it as, (2) the medical description of what it does, and (3) the biggest effect you're actually going to notice.

The drug company markets it as a weight loss pill. They say it will give "safe, effective weight loss". And because it's FDA approved it, it must be good. What could possibly go wrong?

A simplified medical description of the drug is that it's a fat blocker. It stops your body from absorbing some of the fat in your diet. It doesn't burn calories. But fat that would have otherwise been absorbed by your body... isn't. Because fat contains calories, less calories will go into your body.

But here's the most important thing the drug does: it makes you shit oil. Worse, it makes you shit your pants. With oil.

This is not the ravings of some fringe conspiracy group -- this is what the company tells you itself on its website. "Buy our drug if you want to lose weight. Oh, by the way, you'll end up shitting your pants."

Neat, huh? No wonder it's selling so well. That large sector of the public that enjoy having their pants filled with liquefied shit has been seriously under-catered to up until now.

The drug company indulges in classic marketing bullshit that really pisses me off, but they still fail to obscure the horror of what's going to happen to you if you take their drug. The first bit of marketing bullshit they spin that makes me want to smack them in the fucking head is the old "eat healthier and exercise more to get the full benefits".

Hello?!?!?! If you eat less fat and exercise, you don't need their fucking pills. I'm sick of these sleazy companies pretending that they're promoting health. They're promoting bad habits and laziness. The subtext to the whole thing is "this drug lets you lose weight with NO exercise and NO change to your eating patterns". People who can eat healthier and exercise more aren't interested in this shit. But the company doesn't think it'll get away with an advertising slogan along the lines of "Fuck diet and exercise! Take these pills and shit your weight away!"

The second thing they do that pisses me off is deliberately using language designed to obscure the full horror of the effects of their drug. They can't even come clean and call them "side-effects" -- instead, they go with "treatment effects". Hell, maybe they're right, these aren't side effects. Side effects are incidental to the main effects. Shitting your pants is the main effect of this drug. It literally *is* the treatment effect.

Try as they might, their weasel words can't hide how horrible their drug actually is. Following are actual quotes from their website, followed by Mr Angry's no bullshit translation.

Website Bullshit (WSBS). You may get:

  • gas with oily spotting,
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control
  • No Bullshit Translation. The following things will happen to you:

  • You will spray oil when you fart
  • You will have diarrhoea
  • You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels to the point where you shit your pants
  • WSBS: "The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

    No BS: Oh dear god. Pizza is one of my favorite foods and these evil fucks have done their best to turn me off it for life. It will be very hard to look at a pizza again without wondering if someone on this drug has taken a shit on it.

    WSBS: "Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes." (my emphasis)

    No BS: Even if you do cut back on fat, you're still going to shit oil.

    WSBS: "...pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect."

    No BS: Do not go out in public after taking this drug. You are going to shit yourself. Stay close to a toilet.

    WSBS: "If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over."

    No BS: Don't say you weren't warned. You are seriously going to shit yourself.

    WSBS: "You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens."

    No BS: You're old life is over. Forget what you think you know about your body. You are going to fart uncontrollably. And there will be follow-through. This is not going to be something you want to share.

    And my absolute favorite (which is to say, the part of the website that horrifies me most):

    WSBS: "You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."

    Oh. My. Fucking. God. They are so sure you are going to shit your pants they are saying you should accept the inevitable. There is no way to avoid this. So wear dark pants to hide the liquid shit stains. And bring a change of clothes. Because your first set are going to get impregnated with liquid shit.

    To me, this is the ultimate evidence that western society is utterly fucked. You can tell people that taking a pill will make them shit their pants uncontrollably. And your pill will be an utterly out-of-control success.

    On their site, there is also a link to a video where you could "watch alli in action". I assume this is a video showing people shitting their pants. I couldn't bring myself to look.

    176 Comments on "Alli: The Miracle Diet Pill With Teeny-Tiny Side Effects"

    It's 4 A.M.'s picture

    I have chosen to stay awake as long as possible after finding this pile of treasure of a site, and I have to say it was well worth it. This article has especially inspired me to finally drop my comment, and I can easily see myself becoming a registered user (when I'm more awake). Thank you PR's for the laughs and the intelligent reports.

    mongo's picture

    haha great post! I love this site!
    Check out this piece called 'how to lose weight and alienate people' by some British writer for one of their healthcare websites- he's thinking along similar lines!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Alli makes your shit turn orange.My friend gave me some of hers to try along with my exercise (I'm only trying to lose 15 pounds)and its done nothing but turn my shit orange. I have not lost a single pound yet. I do Tae Bo and Tai Chi and have been for a year. I'm 5'7 and 130 pounds (I know that doesnt sound bad to some but my normal weight has always been 105 but I quit smoking 4 months ago). But I am definitely pooping orange..

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I have been on the pill for 3 days now and so far have none of the side effects. Maybe I am just lucky since I always tend to be constipated anyways!

    ChiliKahKah's picture
    j 1000+ points

    Back in the Olestra days, the warning was of a condition termed "fecal urgency." ewwwwwwww

    Grumpy-and-lightly-seated 's picture

    Alli says their product "rewards you" for eating right. True dat - those who do not indulge in an occasional Cheez-It are far less likely to get the dreaded orange skid marks. I could even live with that, but.......

    what pisses me off, besides the anal oilcan drip, is that my ass lips just weren't designed to take a continuous molten lava flow. Not even moist towlettes, though cool and most appreciated, don't sop up the gunk fast enough. Perhaps a manual with the best ass-wiping techniques would help? I feel like I'm birthing a blowtorch! Applying the baby's Desitin, doesn't even help - after only a few minutes the inevitable oil re-spill feels like microwaved hot Brillo pad.

    Solution: toss the other unopened bottle bottle over my worst enemy's fence and hope he is feeling a little chubby.

    One more point - FUCK YOU, Wynona!

    JustShitOnMyCouch!'s picture

    Ok so... Silly me for not reading into a drug before taking it. I'm a real asshole! My neighbor (can't call her a friend anymore) gave em some of these pills, told me to take no more than 3 a day and only right before a meal. So I did for almost a week. I noticed the oil in my shit and I didn't find it too alarming for me... That is the stuff I don't want to eat anymore. But the most horrifying thing happened a few moments ago. I didn't even feel like I needed to fart, but I did! When i got up to go pee afterwards MY FUCKING UNDERWEAR WERE SOAKED IN OIL! Then I realized it is all over my fucking couch!

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    Justshit, your oil leak needs a drip pan.
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    To Poop or not, have you considered going to the doctor? A change like yours needs a doctor to hear your history. It could be your thyroid. Very fixable. If it is not and nothing else physical is obvious, then it could be depression. Either way you need a doctor to diagnose you. It is dangeroud taking your health in your own hands. Even a doctor needs a doctor sometimes, you know.
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ChiliKahKah's picture
    j 1000+ points

    Perhaps the product should be re-named the Exxon Valdez Pill

    Pooberry's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    My husband took alli for a while and had no problems. However, on his way to work one day he sneezed, causing him to shit his pants. He threw the pills away that same day.

    Anonymous Coward JK's picture

    Just took my first pill.....will keep you updated. Bombs away! Better in the toilet than on my thighs I say!

    Butt Sputter's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    I read this at work and was snorting and choking so bad my coworker came over to see if I was okay! But it is pretty sad that some people would rather risk shitting themselves than doing a little exercise.

    Everyone Poops. There is a book about it, so it must be true.

    Alli User's picture

    I started Alli 4 days ago and within the past 24 hours - have ruined 2 pairs of knickers ... Needless to say, Alli is going in the trash. Its like someone pumped popcorn butter straight in your pants ... How erotic!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I totally just farted and crapped my pants on my bed. So I decided to see if this was really normal of Alli which I started on Saturday because I'm not getting good results from cutting calories and going to the gym 4-6 days a week. . I'm having serious anxiety about going to classes and to the gym now, because I'm sure it would happen at any moment AGAIN!!. I think I wasted $60.

    Caviar Eggs's picture

    I've been alli for about 2 weeks now.. I haven't had any oily stools until this weekend and last weekend which was fourth of july, and this weekend which I ran out of slim fast and was forced to eat fatty foods. I just looked in the toilet and got a flash back to 4th grade science fair and college art appreciation (think Van Gogh), and science: the whole fat and water repelling one another! Anyhow, I have lost about 6 pounds I'd say if not more.. my muscle tone is GREAT again and I feel good.. the way to avoid the lovely fish egg anal babies: stick to the low cal diet.. I am on Special K and Slim Fast. I work out for almost 2 hours 5 days a week (Turbo Jam & Treadmill run) and hears the kicker: DRINK A SHIT TON OF WATER! I'm drinking almost a gallon a day I think. If you stay off of the fattening shit, you won't get fat in your shit. Simple. Thank you alli!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    The side effects connected with Alli and Xenical, which seem to be much more serious than indicated on the labeling, such as liver damage, are frightening. It's such a shame that in an attempt to lose weight, one can end up suffering serious harm. I just ran across an interesting site on the Alli and Zenical issue at, which gives some good information and advice on the the issue.

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    Stop being a glutton and you will lose weight.____
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Iv never laughed so hard in my life! i love u whoever wrote this! I was considering alli for about 5 minutes but not anymore!

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    Anonymous Coward.....You would laugh even harder if you saw me naked!

    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

    LIver damage in Europe's picture

    The liver damage incidents are in Europe. Its 32 people out of the millions who took this product. I would say its because the europeans love their alcohol rather than alli

    baffbaff's picture

    I loved this page; I laughed my way through the entire thing! I just started alli yesterday and got some 'treatment effects' this morning.

    IT DOES look like pizza grease. But I don't care for pizza so it's all good!

    Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

    The mister was considering using Alli, but after I finally stopped pissing myself with laughter, because of this story, I was able to tell him why taking Alli and being a trucker is probably not the best idea.
    Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

    Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

    laugh-alot's picture

    OMG im thinking of starting alli as i have no willpower at all an id been feeling a little down about my wieght untill i read all this i laughed so hard i cried and intend on showing avereyone of my friends who i know will laugh thier arses off THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH
    ps still considering alli!

    Misty 69's picture

    Well, I started taking Alli yesterday (despite the fear of shitting myself). I, however, have had horrible constipation since. I am anxious to see when the opposite starts for me...probably when I go work out this afternoon, huh?

    I Sharted on Alli's picture

    I'm seriously cracking up right now, because all of this is true, no exaggeration. I was taking Alli, and Im not obese but I wanted to lose a good 20 lbs and get back to around a size 3, but oh my gosh, I was NOT ready for what Alli did. Number one, I did lose weight, like 4 lbs, maybe 5, but ONLY BECAUSE I WAS SHITTING OILY CRAP ALL THE TIME! And the thing is, I gained it back. I literally had oil seeping out of my ass ALL OF THE TIME, ALL OF THE TIME! I could smell the oil, feel the oil and see that gross ass greasy oil! It was disgustinggggg. Well the night I stopped taking Alli was the day I was in my dorm room (I just graduated college), and thank God I had a bathroom in my dorm room. I was changing the channel on the TV bc I couldn't find the roommate. Now we all know, when we having one of those farts that are a little more than a far, because you really have to squeeze hard for those. And this wasn't one of those farts. This was just a little pooter that is barely a gas bubble and we know won't smell, well, LIKE HELL IT WAS! I SHITTED A BIG ASS OILY MESS ON MYSELF! DESTROYEDDDD MY UNDERWEAR! I was so embarrassed! Thank God I was alone, because I would have had a heart attack if that happened in public.

    My friend, however, wasn't so lucky. And I guess that was karma biting me in the ass. Well we were eating some Popeyes chicken, yes yes I know its not smart to eat greasy food, and I told her to stay by the toilet just in case. Welll she went shopping at Sephora, and on her way back to the dorm, shes shitted in her pants, in the middle of the street! She called me, completelyyy horrified and I felt sooo bad. But yeah, don't take Alli unless ur willing to wear a diaper or smell like oil and shit and have stains in ur pants!

    Poop there it is's picture

    Why take Alli...just visit this website everyday..laugh your ass of until you shit yourself... the weight will fall off you quickly. Remeber to drink plenty of fluids before visiting. Thank you all for laundry I must go do all deserve a nice round of poop

    too funny's picture

    Haaa haaaa sooo funny... i have been taking stacker 3 and every time i take it i have to uncontrollably go POOP! why i am not sure so i started to look on line for reasons why came across this site and laughed my ass of this is the funniest thing ever i am sharing this site with all my friends and family... too scared to try Alli now... no need to shit my pants. thanks. haaa haaaa LOL

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    ok so i've been on alli for like two months now. i began witht he ethos that 'i don't give a damn what happens so long as i loose weight', i dreamt of a spring break on the beach showing off my washboard stomach. Indeed I am technically not over-weight enough (according t the alli guidelines) to even take the drug but as its over the counter i would assume many of the people taking it are in the same position as i am.

    Anyway for the first few days of taking it i saw no adverse effects and to be honest was quite disappointed as i couldnt see how it was working...and then i ate half a bucket of fried chicken with a friend one night and got on a plane the next evening for a 6 hour flight.

    Good lord almighty that was the single worst experience of my life, imagine the worst case of the runs you've ever had, with he worst odour and then to top it off someone rubbed a bar of lard all over your ass and told you to clean it with some paper towels in a 3x2 meter bathroom on a plane. to top it off when i got out of the bathroom (after at least 20 minutes, there was a que of people waiting to get in and i couldnt simply run back to my seat as i had to wait for the lunch cart to pass, the stewardess then swung open the toilet door which i had closed and proceeded to clean the toilets whilst coming close to retching as the other passengers looked at me in disgust.

    this was my first horror story but i could literally write a short story on my experiences over the next few weeks as my holiday slowly down-spiralled into a sordid saga of soiling my pants and hiding the evidence and making excuses for washing my jeans everynight.

    however i soon experienced a loss of appetite and began eating so little it affected my health, after fixing this however i stopped suffering from an adverse effects and i have been slowly losing weight over the past month quite happily (largely however i suspect due tot he change in eating patterns).

    that was until yesterday night when like the idiot i was i agreed to some fried chicken for the first time since the aforementioned, thinking my pant-shitting days we behind me.

    its now 1:30 am and i have to be up in a few hours however i just got done with cleaning both my underwear and pants in the sink to get rid off the obvious stains before throwing them in the laundry only to come back to my room and see the exact spot where i was sitting on my bed to have the same accursed radioactive-orange eye-slit shaped stain. I had to pull the blanket out of its covers, wash the covers as much as i could again before putting them in the hamper, then i couldnt wash the entire blanket so i cut out the area where the stains had soaked through discard of it and cut any remains cotton fluff from within the blanket which had become soaked in my poop oil.

    I hate my life and alli, ive thrown my pills out and its only helathy living for me from now on

    Thanks alli!!!!

    Cora's picture

    i'm taking a different pill...I have used adipex to lose weight and it is really effective for me but of course there are also side effects. I ordered it online in

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I have been taking alli for two weeks and haven't shit my pants yet. I was even hoping I could use a "treatment effect" to coat the contents of a box of crap my cheating ex left at my house. Guess I better eat some more fat so I can spray it before he comes to pick it up.

    zombieinmyview's picture

    It says that you should take it with a low fat diet and exercise. There is not one place where it says you can just take it and all your troubles will go away.
    And people should take it if they are willing to actually work at losing weight, so they can't be lazy or they are just dumb asses because they will be doing what you are describing, sharting oil.

    jax's picture

    omg i started taking this 2 weeks between having to stop at walmart,burger king while driving for having oily diarehea to i had a small piece of gas then all of a sudden my pants were wet with yellow oily grease luclily i was at home alone this more alli for me you can see oil floating in the toilet it changes everything you cannot control your bowel at all its embarrassing what more my close are in the wash right now..looked online to see if this happned to more of this expensive stuff for me

    J-Bunny's picture

    The purpose of alli is so you can learn to eat responsibly and be accountable for you eat. I've been taking it for months now and only when I eat more than my alloted grams of fat per meal is when I expeience the adverse affects. Obviously you can't eat whatever you want and expect to lose weight so why would you do that while taking a diet pill that specifically says if you eat more than 15g of fat you will more than likely experience the side effects? I have never once in the months that I have been taking alli, lost control of my bowels or have had an oily fart. I have experienced diarreha, but that was my fault for eating crap that I shouldn't have been eating in the first place.

    Powersoak's picture

    Maybe this is the time to try the anal tampon. When you remove it, you could use it as a firestarter with all of that oil in it.

    rude rob's picture


    Anonymous Coward's picture

    haha. I love this article. I took alli once before, and only had one bad treatment effect... It happened at work so I stopped taking it. I lied and told people I got my period and leaked (walking around with my jacket on my waist, waiting for the boyfriend to pick me up). I decided that I would never eat subway again after that. I stopped taking alli a year ago, but actually just started again. I have 100lbs to lose to be 'normal' weight, but I have medical complications that make losing weight almost impossible without medication and possibly surgery. I go to the gym, and work out at home, I eat less then most of my thin friends and because of the medical stuff, I just can't lose the weight. Not that I think a size 16-18 is all that bad, but if I am supposed to be 100lbs lighter, I guess it must be. I think that alli surely isn't for everyone, but my doctor wants me on xenical and I am just not willing to have more side effects then alli (stronger version of alli, I am scared to try). Soooo, wish me luck.

    POWER's picture

    Look it's simple if you don't like the pill don't fucking take it duh and stop talking shit if you don't like it just eat less and work out geezzz..

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Well, aren't you the little genius. This is Poop Report, "talking shit" is required.

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    Misha Barton's picture

    Alli works. The proof is in the oily pudding. I can easily justify a little ass butter for a belt that I have to punch new holes into because it will not fit tight enough. It's really not that bad. Most the bad stories you will read about are because people go out and drink a bucket of lard and then pop the pill. That's just fucking stupid, especially since the drug company has disclosed - although in pussy ass language - that you will shit orange oil.

    Turdy Two Poos's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    Now I'm laughing so much my eyes are running and my stomach is killing me.

    Mr. Angry gets A++ from me for a great article with excellent use of righteous indignation.

    But how stupid can consumers be? Wear dark clothing and bring a change of clothes? Good God. That is scary.

    AAAAHHHH! People wake up!!!!
    "Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

    "Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

    Lori White's picture

    The only way you have any problem with your bowels is if you cheat on the diet. My husband and I each lost 7 pounds in 13 days with ZERO side effects. We never strayed from the diet.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    FOR ALL OF THE ALLI HATERS...thanks for taking the time to research the product. You must have NO LIFE to be so angry about this. The plan is TO PROMOTE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE...NOT AN EASY NO GYM REQUIRED WORKOUT PLAN. For those that truly need help, and need to be educated on making a difference in your own life...this program is what you need. You need to DESIRE CHANGE, and by doing so, you will change youyr eating habbits...which by the way WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SHIT YOURSELF. YES, IF YOU EAT CRAP..YOU WILL SHIT IT OUT. But for the ones that make the changes and eat right, YOU DON'T SHIT YOURSELF, OR SPRAY OIL WHEN YOU FART. You simply get healthier by educating yourself. And if you happen to loose some weight, and get off of some medications used to control things like high blood pressure, diabetes, or high triglycerides in the process, then GOOD FOR YOU. Your health will improve, and your life expectancy will increase.

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    AC ... You don't need Alli to change your eating habits, the main requirement is called will power. You can live a happy, healthy, and productive life and hate Alli.

    Talk about others not having a life ... sheesh.

    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    See link below for archived copy of the Alli webpage mentioned (now removed from internet) suggesting dark pants:

    Enjoy the surreal…

    Jace's picture

    Hilarious... this made my morning. I laughed so hard I almost shit myself...

    i shit in my car on alli's picture

    this is disgusting. don't ever wear a skirt and lace panties while taking alli. you'll shit on your best friends floor. At least it was tile and we laughed. what was not funny was when I was driving down the road trying to shove kleenex down my pants b/c A tiny fart turned into a cup of oily discharge all over in the car and on the seat. how embarrasing. and the website says women might want to wear a panty liner. I ended up trying to put one of my daughters diapers under my ass. thanks for the good times alli

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    For those who criticize the alli critics: My guess is that alli has different effects on different people, to some extent regardless of diet. Some of the writers are the lucky ones whose systems tolerate the product with few or no side (or rear) effects; others would have the leakage whatever diet they consume. So lighten up, critics! Take into account human differences in bowel function and reaction.

    Stacy's picture

    Yes Alli has side effects but they wear off after about a month and they aren't as bad as your describing...well at least not for me. I'm down 90 lbs in 8 months thanks to Alli. I can send before and after pics.
    And no I didn't have to do really anything to change my diet. :-)
    So yeah its fun to make fun of but the stuff is a life saver for some who have tried everything else.

    luna Moon's picture

    I started the alli diet, I dont have any side effects. I started to eat low fat foods and high calories, I don't eat snack or junk food I stay away from soda and I even eat more fruits, I started a work out session as well. I am 160 and I am 5'2 I guess if your motivated and ready to do something, and if you do it right you wont shit your pants, I been on it for 4 days and I have no shitting side effects. Also I love how you have a log it helps me keep me motivated, into a route en instead of sitting around watching movies or playing video games I am working out going for walks. You just have to focus and have great discipline. Not every diet plan is for everyones body.

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