An Asshole to Dye For: An Experiment In Anal Bleaching

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PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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"I can't submit the a-hole photos. My mom reads these stories, too, you know."

This story was a finalist for the best poop report of 2008.

An eerie silence settles over the pharmacy as I sidle up to the poor woman stocking the skin care aisle. With fire in my eyes and drink on my breath, I make a vow not to tiptoe around the matter. Such is my fervor. Such is my madness.

"Excuse me. Do you sell anal bleach?"

The wheels in her head are instantly set in motion. Nine times out of ten, when a ragged, unshaven man dressed as if he were within the blast radius of a thrift shop explosion asks for anal bleach, something sinister is afoot. She affixes upon me a gaze struggling to express curiosity, pity, fear, and revulsion all at once. It is her last attempt at eye contact.

"Uhhh... we have skin lighteners, if that's what you mean", she says, directing my gaze to the bottom shelf.

"I wouldn't know," she mutters with the dismissive contempt this question admittedly deserves. Sensing impending litigation, I buy the stuff and scurry home. There is work to be done.

While some "artists" waste time dabbling in oil, stone, and clay, biochemical artisans in the real world have found a truly useful medium in anal bleach. With hyperpigmented asshole epidermis as their canvas, Glycyrrhiza glabra root extract and Peg 100 Stearate SE on their palettes, and their fingers as their brushes, these cornhole cosmeticians have unlocked the mysteries of anus enhancement -- and triggered the most exciting craze in the skin care industry today!

Because, let's face it: there's no shortage of reasons to lighten and rejuvenate your anus. Maybe you're tired of porn directors typecasting you as Cum Guzzler with Leathery, Cadaverous Asshole; perhaps a snickering doctor compared your desiccated deuce cannon to the surface of one of Jupiter's volcanic moons; maybe the passage of time, three kids, and umpteen chili dogs has made the ol' o-ring's odometer roll over; possibly your shitbelcher has fallen prey to the indelible stains of Brown Syndrome after years of shoddy hygiene and/or repeat occurrences of splatulence; or maybe you're just like me and find the idea of experimenting with backdoor bunguents to be right up your proverbial alley.

But as Americans find their anal enhancement budgets stretched ever-tighter in these troubling economic times, a question arises: must we shell out $30-50 for a tube of anal bleach in our quest for the Anus de Milo? Or can a cheap jar of drugstore fade cream do the trick just as well?

To find out, I decided to apply two brands of greased lightening to my fundament freckle. The left anal hemisphere was treated with a $9, 2.5 ounce jar of Esoterica, a fade cream commonly used to reduce age spots, freckles, and so on. The right, meanwhile, was infused with a $30, two-ounce tube of Vigala, an anal bleach I ordered on the Internet.

A few notes: I have no affiliation with either product. I chose Esoterica because it was there, and Vigala because it was the first kiester Clorox I found under $45.

My attempts to include a female guinea pig in this experiment met with no success, which was hardly a surprise since tact has never been my strongpoint. "Hi, Pam? It's me, Gasputin. Listen, you've always struck me as someone who might suffer from unsightly anal discoloration, and I was wondering if --"

CLICK.

Finally, anal bleaching is not without risks. The skin around the shit chute is extremely sensitive and more likely to become irritated by chemical intrusion. Most creams use hydroquinone, a cosmetic ingredient banned in some countries (high-dosage studies in rats suggest there may be a cancer risk) as their lightening agent. In rare human cases, hydroquinone has been linked to ochronosis, a skin-thickening condition characterized by blue-black discoloration. (Cue Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue.) Side effects may also include severe burning, itching, swelling, stinging, and/or crusting. Both Esoterica and Vigala have a 2% hydroquinone concentration, the highest allowable by law without a prescription.

Another common bleaching ingredient is kojic acid. As if conjuring images of spreading Telly Savalas' reflux around your anus isn't unsettling enough, kojic acid is used commercially to inhibit "enzymatic browning in crustaceans". In other words, it keeps lobster and crab shells red and fresh-looking. It too has been banned as a cosmetic ingredient in some countries. Vigala uses kojic acid dipalmitate, a kojic acid derivative. Esoterica uses neither.

In short, you may want to do some research before you apply these substances to your body.

That said, let's bleach some bung, shall we?


Day One. I retreat to my subterranean laboratory/basement the minute the anal bleach arrives in the mail. But before I can begin my fecelift, there are matters of deforestation that need to be "rectified" if I am to get an unobstructed view of my target. Grabbing the electric razor, I assume an advanced yoga position interchangeably known as The Shearing of the Unseeing Eye or The Corruption of Innocence to clear-cut the Circle of Loaf of its untamed vegetation and the plump dinglefruit nesting therein. I choke back tears as this once-thriving feekosystem drifts softly to the floor: a sacrifice to the pursuit of knowledge.

I use Lava soap to sandblast the area clean, then squat over a mirror for a look-see. Any doubts I have about this project vanish instantly. This is an orifice in dire need of attention. It isn't simply brown, red, or pink -- it's a turbulent miasma of all three, with a little jaundice thrown in for good measure. It's the Aurora Boreanus. It's a gateway to madness.

Nevertheless: after taking the first in a weekly series of Before and After pictures that will haunt me for the rest of my days, it's time to ride the lightening! Donning latex gloves, I massage first the fade cream and then the anal bleach into their respective gluteal shanks. Shortly thereafter, I realize a patch test may have been in order, as a slight tingling develops on both sides. I spend an anxious few minutes awaiting the five-alarm fire that never materializes.

Day Two. Stripping my stench trench of its plumage has already raised concerns. Without that thin hair buffer, my asscheeks chafe and grind together with every step I take. To paraphrase Cypress Hill, I am in pain in the membrane. I fear this skin-on-skin contact may also increase the production of sweat/sphincter dew, in turn creating a moisture-rich environment for bungi looking for a nice asshole to colonize. Aside from that, all is well.

Day Three. As per the instructions, I've been applying the fade cream twice a DAY, while applying the anal bleach only at night. The fade cream doesn't absorb well, leaving a greasy residue that takes some getting used to; the right cheek's subcutaneous thirst, meanwhile, cannot be quenched. It soaks up the dirtchute dye like a pre-menstrual sponge.

Suffice it to say a brown asshole hasn't gotten this much undeserved attention since Al Sharpton's last press conference.

Day Seven. First week complete. Even though it should take two-to-six weeks before I notice any change (individual results vary depending on the depth of the melanin in the skin), I scrutinize every mortifying megapixel of the first reconnaissance photo for signs of molting. All I discover is a blossoming galaxy of ass acne -- the little red calling cards of shaving against the grain. There's no change around the a-hole itself. Out, damn'd spot!

Day Fourteen. Second week complete. My asshole is a jarring shade of red. This may be an effect of the products, but more likely it's an indictment against the cheap, sandstone-fortified toilet paper I've been using. A gentler brand of shitwipe is added to the grocery list.

Day Nineteen. What started as just another day at the bleach turned ugly this morning. Last night I ate a huge bowl of fruit salad that apparently missed the "All aboard!" cry for the steaming caravan I call The Morning Dump Express. Mere minutes after this raging locomotive left the station (and just before the AM fade cream application), a commotion in my lower tract signaled an impending case of squirtigo. A dizzying deluge of pineapple stilettos, blueberry pellets, husky gourd filaments, and apple shrapnel shattered the calm. I hadn't seen fruits hurtle through the air that violently since the circle pit at The Village People concert. The tangy stench of methane and riboflavin still befouled the air when the onslaught resumed fifteen minutes later. And again a half-hour after that. At this point, the cream became an afterthought. I was more worried someone would find my broken body days later in a pool of splintered bowel and heavy syrup.

It was the only time I missed an application.

Day Twenty-one. Third week complete. That goddamn fruit salad threw my log-a-rhythm all out of whack. Two mornings in a row I was duped into applying the Esoterica after The Morning Dump Express departed, only to find myself wiping it away minutes later after a fractured follow-up dump. Today I actually waited until I got to work before I applied the cream.

Without running the results through a spectrosphincometer, it appears both sides have taken on a light purplish hue. Only time will tell whether this is a sign of vitality... or lividity.

Day Twenty-Eight. Fourth week complete. Things around the old one-ring circus have settled back into a rhythm, but it appears my brown eye has cataracts. Both sides are a somber shade of pinkish-gray that one would be hard-pressed to find on a color palette at Sherwin-Williams. (Out of curiosity, I went to Sherwin-Williams to see if they did in fact have a similarly-hued color chip. To my astonishment, they did. So if you're looking to paint your kitchen in a partially-resuscitated asshole motif, head to this fine retailer and ask for SW 6022 - Breathless).

Day Thirty-Five. The recon photos confirm the impossible: after five weeks and 104 rounds of fingering myself, both rectal walls have been purged of their fecal frescoes! Vibrant pink bungflesh (on the order of SW 6575 - Priscilla, for those scoring at home) has risen from the depths like some kind of anal Lazarus! A jubilant cry rings out from the lab: "This anus... is heinous... NO MORE!!!"

And then, far away in the distance, a faint rustling.

My ancestors thrash in their graves.

The End Results. I recommend Esoterica to all you potential posterior peroxiders. It may not be listed for use on the anus, you have to apply it twice as often, and it leaves an oily residue; but you get more of it for a fraction of the price. Plus, it works just as well as anal bleach, and it's available at any drugstore.

As for me, I have a prostate exam, two cavity searches, and a photo shoot for Whiter Shade of Tail magazine scheduled today. The future's so bright, I gotta wear fade (cream).

165 Comments on "An Asshole to Dye For: An Experiment In Anal Bleaching"

CaCa Doodle Doo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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O M G!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Why.........in the world......would ANYONE......want......to bleach.....their asshole. There has GOT to be logic behind this and of course once again I am forced to use the powers of the internet to investigate this further. It's way too screwy NOT to.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Great to hear from you again, Gasputin! I was beginning to wonder what you were up to. Now we know - you were hiding in your basement dabbing bum bleach on your sphinc! Happy Earth Day, buddy.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Great (although a bit disturbing) story Gasputin. Congratulations on your beige eye.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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What a great story!!!
Full of puns and euphemisms- well done!
Theres only thing that I don't quite get...
Why the Hell would a bloke bleach his poop chute? I would have thought that, if anything, this would bring shame upon any self-respecting mooner.
I mean, here in Aus, we call it 'chucking a browneye'. Who would be shocked or offended by a rear-end sticking out of a car window, displaying a smooth, pink winkie with wedding tackle hanging under it?

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Funny story. Do you have to keep applying the stuff every so often to prevent the anus from reverting to its former pigmentation?

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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I did not really read that much of this article because as a daily listener of The Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio, this subject has been beaten to death.

He had covered this topic extensively and has had many porn stars on the show that have bleached their assholes.

It is basically a cosmetic thing.

I personally enjoy a chick with a dark hairy asshole; but others may enjoy viewing a light pink starfish. Whatever.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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You are my hero

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I don't know about your asshole, Gasputin, but this story is a beautiful piece of work. If, as the fruitcake above claims, this theme has been beaten to death by Stern, then you've managed to raise it up like Lazareth.

Logjam

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Did you have to continue to shave your butthole to see the progress? It just occurred to me that hair down there grows as fast as hair on the rest of your body.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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WOW! Isn't doniker just the coolest? He's knows more about turds, shit bladders and bung hole bleaching than everyone. Plus he has satellite radio and listens to Howard Stern.

CaCa Doodle Doo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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And I really wonder if the products worked identically because let's face it, unless you wore a cheek spreading device 24/7, the two sides of your anus were certainly mixing! In any case, your determination and initiative to keep up the "experimentation" so long is admirable.

Gasputin's picture
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To answer some of the questions posed above:
Yes, MSG, maintenance is required. Bleaching is not permanent, as my rapidly-oxidizing asshole will attest.
Yes, Daphne, I periodically sent a razor back to the mouth of Sun-Don't-Shine Cavern on stubble patrol. Not so much for visibility, but for itch relief.
And to CaCa Doodle Doo-with regard to possible bleach inter-mingling, I tried to really get the products absorbed into the skin to offset this as much as possible. If any bleach-leeching did occur, I think it had minimal effect.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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this has to be one of the stupidest things i've ever read.

Another Anonymous Coward's picture
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I damned near pissed myself reading this. It is HILARIOUS and very descriptive! I must share this with all my friends! Wait. Never mind. They already think I am weird for falling out of my chair laughing hysterically and running to the bathroom in fits of giggles yelling "I gotta pee!"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Gassy, as usual you had me laughing my ass off AND went above and beyond the call of doodie to bring us this great piece of work! Still, you did a lot more than I would ever dare, even for PR. Asshole bleaching?!? No way in hell!!!

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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I feel that the color of the starfish is related to the amount of bumfodder it gets through. Bleach has got to be a No No!

If your Macdonalds doughnut centre has been touched by the brown side, doo as Darth Vader does, and rely on the force.

Get that puppy out quick

_______

whats that smell?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

BIG CHIEF RASPING SHITTER's picture
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I tied this once but I used a supermarkets own brand tooth whitening paste...it didn't work and furthermore it RUINED my brown-eyes eye sight ! My poop peeper now wear a monocle !
''BROWN TURD IN THE RING TRAH LAH LA LAH LA''

sirdumpsalot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That was bum tingling. A brown tear ran down my cheek.

"I trust entirely in mee...I still have some reservations about poo"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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That sounds like a vicious circle around your vicious circle..... letting the stubble grow out. I wish you luck, luck and minimal itching!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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And for the love of God, no razor burn!

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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great story, as usual. i don't know why, but this line in particular cracked my ass up:
"It's a gateway to madness."

Thunderous, i'm sure you've figured it out by now, but anal bleaching is primarily done by porn stars, strippers, lovers of butt-sex, etc. you know, folks who tend to have others looking closely at their bunghole. our friend Gasputin here did it, well, so he could write us another wonderful Poop Report, and maybe save some potential anal bleachers a little money.

_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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"Spectrosphincometer": Did you invent this wondrous instrument? If not, where did you obtain it? At what distance did you have to focus it to get results? Fascinating science here.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The Spectrosphincometer is simply a bastardized Sphinctomaxx 3000, a Romulan device left behind in the 1947 aborted earth invasion found near Roswell, New Mexico. Originally designed as a tool of interrogation, Gasputin had some geek friends reroute the spectrometer and the required, analyizing equipment through the cermamic knueter valve, rendering the instrument useless as originally intended, but unwittingly, forming the perfect anal skin tone measuring and recording device.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Hieronymous Bowels's picture
l 100+ points
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This was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. The picture of the angry puppet, two fingers extended was the perfect complement to the story.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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MSG, the 'Speco', as we like to call it in the trade, was, as is usual with these devices, marketed in the 70's by Ronco. Ask prarie doggin, he's got two of the things.

(And they are both busted!)

_______

whats that smell?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Excellent work, Gasputin. You never cease to amaze and humor me with your capers.

Frankly, I think that a flesh-tone butthole would weird me out, in the same way that people who have no coloration to their lips does.

Maybe next time you can tell us about analipstick.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I'm betting that there is no "Spectrosphincometer". I think that Gassy just makes a mad dash with his pants around his ankles for the paint-matching machine when the guy behind the counter ducks in to the back room for a 5-gallon bucket of latex. That's why all of the references to Sherwin Williams and not your generic RYB numbers.

After all, who would squat over a mirror with a bunch of color swatches trying to find the exact shade and saturation?
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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I would, and so did PD

_______
Did you just fart?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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BVC!!!! Please specify we both did it at different times and in different countries!!!!
I don't want people thinking I'm wierd or something.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Too Late, PD, far too late...the weird train has definitely stopped at your station. Got there right after stopping at mine. Oddly enough, Star "Casey" Jones was at the helm, with a bicycle seat wedged betwixt her butt cheeks. I left it there.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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I'm almost afraid to ask. Was LJ attached to that seat? Haven't heard from him in a while, and he was the last person to have the seat.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Hard to tell, PD, but she did look like she put on about 180 pounds....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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That seat just keeps coming back to bite me in the ass....

For the group, I can confirm that I was not present while PD squated, although the pictures I was subsequently e-mailed, confirm beyond any reasonable doubt, that not only is PD wierd, butt that anal bleaching has reached an almost compulsive degree.

I'm sorry PD, I had to tell them.

_______
Did you just fart?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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It's ok BVC. Some things are impossible to keep secret. I did raise some eyebrows at the paint department at my local Home Depot with my magnifying, lighted mirror. I was only seeking a color to complement my bike seat. I believe I caught a camera flash or two, and it would have been on the cover of the Enquirer soon anyway.

Tuba Cheeks's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorm 1+ points - Newb
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Thank you for not posting the pictures of your brown star.

Funny as hell story, but WHY????

Anonymous Coward's picture
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This whole website is disturbing. I enjoyed this article though, as I was thinking about buying some anal bleach myself. Watching porn is what made me aware of the spinchter spectrum! lol. I love the paint chips...funny

TheDook's picture
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This is the tip of the top!!!
Funniest thing I have read in a while!!!

Andee's picture
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For all of you who have asked many times "who the hell would want to bleach their anus and why"? Well here is one answer. I am an single gay man who is a bottom (i.e. I get it put in me) and I want my top to not only have a good time, but want him to say "What a beautiful ass baby". These products are worth every penny because thats all I hear now!

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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The poofterometer needle swings full scale, the LED bar graph is flashing full red, its not just beeping, but wailing now, and I think I even saw a wisp of smoke come out the vent.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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who's vent?

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Very funny tale indeed. I however join the ranks of those who prefer a dark, slightly hairy butthole. Oh...make that "female
butthole".

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

accidental splasher's picture
0
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ha ha!!! there i was desperatly trying to find out what might happen to my arse as im constantly splashing combinations of noxious loo cleaning products---toilet duck,,,cilit bang...bloo loo etc etc up it--accidentaly of course!!! and you can imagine my surprise as i stumbled on your fascinating ,,if bizarre,,experience!!!i mean all the best and good luck with your nice pink anus etc ,,but i must admit ive never even imagined such a thing!!!---just on the off chance,,you dont know what would happen if you keep getting dodgy toilet products up your arse do you!!!??

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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BM, your poofterometer may have actually created some tremors on this side of the world, which may have caused some of the levee breaches on the Mississippi.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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No, pd, I don't think my poofterometer could do that- its only a hand-held portable one.
Butt I believe that theres a really big one in Canberra and its so sensitive that they can't point it at Sydney, Melbourne, San Francisco, or anywhere in France or Greece.
Maybe its responsible for the tremors!

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

.
BTW, theres an old story that tells of how the ancient Greeks invented the concept of 'romance', and shortly after, the Romans improved on the concept by adding 'women' to it.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

pink pucker's picture
0
0

This was some great advice and hands-on research. I can't wait to try. It may take me longer as I am going to try my dark inter thighs as well, but this has definitely given me some hope to for the future. Wish me luck, as I wish all of you luck as well!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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And how they seperated the men from the boys in ancient Greece. (with a crowbar)

Cristen's picture
0
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I by chance came across this site reseaching if people actually bleached their turd cutters, and I pist myself laughing at your work. This should be front page NY Times. Class act material Gas!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I am reminded of the Greek soldier who received a transfer and sadly had to leave his buddies (buddy's) behind.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Alexisycho's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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0

Although I found the story very funny and enlightening, I am disappointed with the lack of photographic evidence.

Also, you need some new female friends. I totally would have volunteered to help... for the sake of science.

_______
Alexis Semenec
The World's Foremost Fecal Astrologist

Alexis Semenec
The World's Foremost Fecal Astrologist

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear Alexisycho,

When is your first public asshole viewing scheduled? I would like to be there!!

>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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This is probably the most interesting Consumer Report I've seen
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

rumpty dumpty's picture
0
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Like a child innocently asking his mommy what fuck means, I was googling "petrified feces turd" and wound up in this alternate universe of the perverse, reading this story. The thing that kept me reading was the quality of your writing, Gasputin. Well done. I have one question. As someone who has grown and shaved many beards, and who knows that the stubbly in-between stage is by far the most irritating, I wonder whether shaving yourself has condemned you to a choice between either a lifetime of periodic sphincter defoliation or an awkward analhair adolescence, the itchiness of which I hope to never be able to fully appreciate.

Crapper John McIntyre's picture
l 100+ points
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I can't remember reading anything funnier on poop report. This was fantastic.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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Damn....I'm at a loss....on a lot of levels.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Rumpty, Mr. Gasputin was last seen sliding naked down a large gravel pile at the local quarry.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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PD, do you have some obsession with sliding down things naked? :D If I'm around any banisters in your vicinity, should I be afraid of touching them :D
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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GPT, what a silly question. Of course PD enjoys sliding down things naked, 99% of us do! When the Baroness is naked, I can spend hours (OK, seconds) doing the naked slide. (also known as 'the horizontal hip shuffle' or 'the *inserts surname* hip shuffle' or 'bumping uglies' or, as my plumber friend calls it.. 'laying some pipe') I digress....._______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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you are an amazing writer. and i wouldn't be surprised if you were a college english teacher.

my favorite euphemism - one-ring circus. i promise to use it often.

Danbino's picture
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This is just too funny for words, especially the part of the Sherwinn Williams. I am bursting into tears of laughter. Just what I needed after some stressful shit goin' down these last weeks!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Oh how we glorify extreme vanity and base, crude descriptions of private anatomical features in the name of low and vulgar humor.
One must ask ones self where civilization is headed after reading this tome of tastelessness. The answer of course is easy...to the local pharmacy to get some asshole bleach!

Anonymous Coward lady's picture
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After whatching an Xrated movie by myself tonight and seeing how the girls' backs looked pink, unlike nine, I mean Im still young and all; Im only 34, but I guess that everyones skin is different, anyways going back to the subject, after watching how pink and "youthfull" they looked and remembering that a friend had mentioned something about ass bleaching, I decided to search on the web and found two products; Vigalia and some other SouthBeach cream, before reading your story, wich I found so entertaining and helpfull. So After "little" consideration I have decided to use a skin ligtening cream I have at home called Porcelana and will document as well and see if it works. Well i m not sure about the documentation of it, I dont have the patiance, but i do shave my ass at least once a week, anyways, just wanted to let u know that u have helped me "see the light;)"

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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I also see the light, just after I switch it on.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

fan-o-poop1983's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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great story, although i found it extremely disturbing. i, personally, could never do such a thing seeing as how i have always viewed my asshole as an exit only. to each his/her own. live long and dye hard. :-P

phuchuebuddy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I really don't get why you would want to do that. You are a guy right?

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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this is so freakin hilarious, i read it after reading the article that says a mag wants to buy this story. Well worth every penny i'd say!the description of squirtigo had me peeing my pants. keep up the good work! oh and why in the hell did you decide to bleach your crack man?

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Why did he want to bleach his crack?? Why did man go to the moon?? Because it's there. (oh and Gasputin spent far less than NASA on his mission)

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I should have emptied my bladder before reading this. Home run.

"My ancestors thrash in their graves."

There were some of you who hassled me about squirting PooPouri in my balls.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Not me, DD, that review made you a hero in my eyes. Above and beyond, man.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)