An Asshole to Dye For: An Experiment In Anal Bleaching

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PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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"I can't submit the a-hole photos. My mom reads these stories, too, you know."

This story was a finalist for the best poop report of 2008.

An eerie silence settles over the pharmacy as I sidle up to the poor woman stocking the skin care aisle. With fire in my eyes and drink on my breath, I make a vow not to tiptoe around the matter. Such is my fervor. Such is my madness.

"Excuse me. Do you sell anal bleach?"

The wheels in her head are instantly set in motion. Nine times out of ten, when a ragged, unshaven man dressed as if he were within the blast radius of a thrift shop explosion asks for anal bleach, something sinister is afoot. She affixes upon me a gaze struggling to express curiosity, pity, fear, and revulsion all at once. It is her last attempt at eye contact.

"Uhhh... we have skin lighteners, if that's what you mean", she says, directing my gaze to the bottom shelf.

"I wouldn't know," she mutters with the dismissive contempt this question admittedly deserves. Sensing impending litigation, I buy the stuff and scurry home. There is work to be done.

While some "artists" waste time dabbling in oil, stone, and clay, biochemical artisans in the real world have found a truly useful medium in anal bleach. With hyperpigmented asshole epidermis as their canvas, Glycyrrhiza glabra root extract and Peg 100 Stearate SE on their palettes, and their fingers as their brushes, these cornhole cosmeticians have unlocked the mysteries of anus enhancement -- and triggered the most exciting craze in the skin care industry today!

Because, let's face it: there's no shortage of reasons to lighten and rejuvenate your anus. Maybe you're tired of porn directors typecasting you as Cum Guzzler with Leathery, Cadaverous Asshole; perhaps a snickering doctor compared your desiccated deuce cannon to the surface of one of Jupiter's volcanic moons; maybe the passage of time, three kids, and umpteen chili dogs has made the ol' o-ring's odometer roll over; possibly your shitbelcher has fallen prey to the indelible stains of Brown Syndrome after years of shoddy hygiene and/or repeat occurrences of splatulence; or maybe you're just like me and find the idea of experimenting with backdoor bunguents to be right up your proverbial alley.

But as Americans find their anal enhancement budgets stretched ever-tighter in these troubling economic times, a question arises: must we shell out $30-50 for a tube of anal bleach in our quest for the Anus de Milo? Or can a cheap jar of drugstore fade cream do the trick just as well?

To find out, I decided to apply two brands of greased lightening to my fundament freckle. The left anal hemisphere was treated with a $9, 2.5 ounce jar of Esoterica, a fade cream commonly used to reduce age spots, freckles, and so on. The right, meanwhile, was infused with a $30, two-ounce tube of Vigala, an anal bleach I ordered on the Internet.

A few notes: I have no affiliation with either product. I chose Esoterica because it was there, and Vigala because it was the first kiester Clorox I found under $45.

My attempts to include a female guinea pig in this experiment met with no success, which was hardly a surprise since tact has never been my strongpoint. "Hi, Pam? It's me, Gasputin. Listen, you've always struck me as someone who might suffer from unsightly anal discoloration, and I was wondering if --"

CLICK.

Finally, anal bleaching is not without risks. The skin around the shit chute is extremely sensitive and more likely to become irritated by chemical intrusion. Most creams use hydroquinone, a cosmetic ingredient banned in some countries (high-dosage studies in rats suggest there may be a cancer risk) as their lightening agent. In rare human cases, hydroquinone has been linked to ochronosis, a skin-thickening condition characterized by blue-black discoloration. (Cue Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue.) Side effects may also include severe burning, itching, swelling, stinging, and/or crusting. Both Esoterica and Vigala have a 2% hydroquinone concentration, the highest allowable by law without a prescription.

Another common bleaching ingredient is kojic acid. As if conjuring images of spreading Telly Savalas' reflux around your anus isn't unsettling enough, kojic acid is used commercially to inhibit "enzymatic browning in crustaceans". In other words, it keeps lobster and crab shells red and fresh-looking. It too has been banned as a cosmetic ingredient in some countries. Vigala uses kojic acid dipalmitate, a kojic acid derivative. Esoterica uses neither.

In short, you may want to do some research before you apply these substances to your body.

That said, let's bleach some bung, shall we?


Day One. I retreat to my subterranean laboratory/basement the minute the anal bleach arrives in the mail. But before I can begin my fecelift, there are matters of deforestation that need to be "rectified" if I am to get an unobstructed view of my target. Grabbing the electric razor, I assume an advanced yoga position interchangeably known as The Shearing of the Unseeing Eye or The Corruption of Innocence to clear-cut the Circle of Loaf of its untamed vegetation and the plump dinglefruit nesting therein. I choke back tears as this once-thriving feekosystem drifts softly to the floor: a sacrifice to the pursuit of knowledge.

I use Lava soap to sandblast the area clean, then squat over a mirror for a look-see. Any doubts I have about this project vanish instantly. This is an orifice in dire need of attention. It isn't simply brown, red, or pink -- it's a turbulent miasma of all three, with a little jaundice thrown in for good measure. It's the Aurora Boreanus. It's a gateway to madness.

Nevertheless: after taking the first in a weekly series of Before and After pictures that will haunt me for the rest of my days, it's time to ride the lightening! Donning latex gloves, I massage first the fade cream and then the anal bleach into their respective gluteal shanks. Shortly thereafter, I realize a patch test may have been in order, as a slight tingling develops on both sides. I spend an anxious few minutes awaiting the five-alarm fire that never materializes.

Day Two. Stripping my stench trench of its plumage has already raised concerns. Without that thin hair buffer, my asscheeks chafe and grind together with every step I take. To paraphrase Cypress Hill, I am in pain in the membrane. I fear this skin-on-skin contact may also increase the production of sweat/sphincter dew, in turn creating a moisture-rich environment for bungi looking for a nice asshole to colonize. Aside from that, all is well.

Day Three. As per the instructions, I've been applying the fade cream twice a DAY, while applying the anal bleach only at night. The fade cream doesn't absorb well, leaving a greasy residue that takes some getting used to; the right cheek's subcutaneous thirst, meanwhile, cannot be quenched. It soaks up the dirtchute dye like a pre-menstrual sponge.

Suffice it to say a brown asshole hasn't gotten this much undeserved attention since Al Sharpton's last press conference.

Day Seven. First week complete. Even though it should take two-to-six weeks before I notice any change (individual results vary depending on the depth of the melanin in the skin), I scrutinize every mortifying megapixel of the first reconnaissance photo for signs of molting. All I discover is a blossoming galaxy of ass acne -- the little red calling cards of shaving against the grain. There's no change around the a-hole itself. Out, damn'd spot!

Day Fourteen. Second week complete. My asshole is a jarring shade of red. This may be an effect of the products, but more likely it's an indictment against the cheap, sandstone-fortified toilet paper I've been using. A gentler brand of shitwipe is added to the grocery list.

Day Nineteen. What started as just another day at the bleach turned ugly this morning. Last night I ate a huge bowl of fruit salad that apparently missed the "All aboard!" cry for the steaming caravan I call The Morning Dump Express. Mere minutes after this raging locomotive left the station (and just before the AM fade cream application), a commotion in my lower tract signaled an impending case of squirtigo. A dizzying deluge of pineapple stilettos, blueberry pellets, husky gourd filaments, and apple shrapnel shattered the calm. I hadn't seen fruits hurtle through the air that violently since the circle pit at The Village People concert. The tangy stench of methane and riboflavin still befouled the air when the onslaught resumed fifteen minutes later. And again a half-hour after that. At this point, the cream became an afterthought. I was more worried someone would find my broken body days later in a pool of splintered bowel and heavy syrup.

It was the only time I missed an application.

Day Twenty-one. Third week complete. That goddamn fruit salad threw my log-a-rhythm all out of whack. Two mornings in a row I was duped into applying the Esoterica after The Morning Dump Express departed, only to find myself wiping it away minutes later after a fractured follow-up dump. Today I actually waited until I got to work before I applied the cream.

Without running the results through a spectrosphincometer, it appears both sides have taken on a light purplish hue. Only time will tell whether this is a sign of vitality... or lividity.

Day Twenty-Eight. Fourth week complete. Things around the old one-ring circus have settled back into a rhythm, but it appears my brown eye has cataracts. Both sides are a somber shade of pinkish-gray that one would be hard-pressed to find on a color palette at Sherwin-Williams. (Out of curiosity, I went to Sherwin-Williams to see if they did in fact have a similarly-hued color chip. To my astonishment, they did. So if you're looking to paint your kitchen in a partially-resuscitated asshole motif, head to this fine retailer and ask for SW 6022 - Breathless).

Day Thirty-Five. The recon photos confirm the impossible: after five weeks and 104 rounds of fingering myself, both rectal walls have been purged of their fecal frescoes! Vibrant pink bungflesh (on the order of SW 6575 - Priscilla, for those scoring at home) has risen from the depths like some kind of anal Lazarus! A jubilant cry rings out from the lab: "This anus... is heinous... NO MORE!!!"

And then, far away in the distance, a faint rustling.

My ancestors thrash in their graves.

The End Results. I recommend Esoterica to all you potential posterior peroxiders. It may not be listed for use on the anus, you have to apply it twice as often, and it leaves an oily residue; but you get more of it for a fraction of the price. Plus, it works just as well as anal bleach, and it's available at any drugstore.

As for me, I have a prostate exam, two cavity searches, and a photo shoot for Whiter Shade of Tail magazine scheduled today. The future's so bright, I gotta wear fade (cream).

165 Comments on "An Asshole to Dye For: An Experiment In Anal Bleaching"

Anonymous's picture

Thank you so much man. I'm doing this as soon as possible!

Anonymous's picture

WOW! If the end result was truly "Priscilla", you now have an asshole like a female porn star. It took over a month and you certainly were determined. Congratulations on obtaining your pretty colored butthole. The Lava soap probably helped too. It has pumice in it. I'd like to try your recipe. I hope I have the same patience and determination as you. Please post in detail your method for butthole shaving.

Anonymous's picture

This website is really a walk-through for all of the info you wanted about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse here and you’ll definitely discover it. WONDERFUL Post! Thanks for sharing.. I will wait for more qualitative information.

Anonymous's picture

Dear Gasputin, You have successfully rekindled by love for the human race. You are one funny, talented mother fucker and I revere your diction!!
Bravo, from the city of brotherly love.
p.s. I work in a pharmacy and have always wondered if those creams would work on your bum! much love

Anonymous's picture

Writings like Hunter S Thompson, love it.

Anonymous's picture

Wonderful! Thank you.

Anonymous's picture

Very good info and sooooo funny! Thanks!

Anonymous's picture

You are hilarious! I am reading this in bed and trying not to laugh out loud noisily while my housemates sleep. I appreciate your way with words and feel like it was such a breeze to read. Was not expecting that from this article.

Anonymous's picture

You sir, just sold some turd tunnel cream.

Anonymous's picture

you are so goddamn funny, thanks for posting!

Anonymous's picture

Good God, my friend. Have you written a book yet?

Thank you for this post. And I was just looking for a simple product review!

Anonymous's picture

the hair bleaching creme ?

Anonymous's picture

you're an amazing writer. I wasn't looking for this but as I was reading I was just pulled in. You should really consider writing a book.. Or apply for a position writing in a magazine. I'm jealous of your writing skills.. :]

Anonymous's picture

Hey pink eye! Nice article!

Anonymous's picture

Beautiful writing. Hilarious subject. Let's get married.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've just used Jolen too.. and with positive results! 20 mins and a few shades lighter for sure!

Anonymous hole's picture

You're hysterical! I, too, have been highlighting my nether regions and it seems to be working. Do u write any other blogs? U make me laugh!

Anonymous Coward's picture

You've inspired me to do this. I'm aiming for those paint chip colors! A guy wants to eat my ass and I don't want him to see it until I'm nice and pink-- err at least not the stark contrasting brown against my pale skin like it is now! No, I don't know that he doesn't have a dark asshole fetish, but I know I certainly don't! So seriously, thanks for the review. I bought the cheap one.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Quite frankly I thought the writing was fabulous. I laughed all the way through this. Thanks for the information. You made my day.

one eyed willy's picture

I was conversating wih a female friend when she mentiond something about anal bleaching,I thought what the hell is that,To em'bare'assed to admit I didnt know what she was talking about,and just ask her,I looked it up online,and fell into this strange world,and have not stopped laughing since.The problem with that is my wife keeps asking whats so damn funny.What should I say?Shes going to think Im a wierd freak

rofl's picture

OMG...One of the funniest stories I've ever read in my life...laughed to tears.

Thanks!!!!!!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Of course we people are naive; some of us even think the term genitals refers to organs of generation (penis, vagina) and not excretion (anus).

League of Super Evil's picture

You people are so naive. It's very "normal" to want your genitals to look good.

Anonymous Coward - will join latar ;-P's picture

Gracias Amigo!
thanks Gasputin, i was lucky to come across your experiment and writting, which is scatologically exquisite by the way, u put light in both the physical and ignorance darkness. i am on my way of trying an experiment of my own, wierd pharmacist look? to say the least. Esoterica....

Sabrina's picture

Thanks for the giggles Gasputin. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I'm going to read more of your posts.
P.S. I think a pink wink on a guy is racy hot. Looks clean too! Guys take notes!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Personally I don't get what's with the anal bleaching, I mean really. Who wants a pink butthole? I would rather have a dark, crap stained butthole on my women!

Maeve's picture

Hilarious, great creative writing. I use the cream, and yeh it works, but your wording, just makes it all the better

Jennifer R.'s picture

You are an absolute GENIUS!!! And you should being paid to write if you aren't already.

I dare someone to read DAY 1 of this "blog" and not just beg to read the rest.

I use the word "blog" lightly because as far as I'm concerned this is a m"ass"terpiece!

CHEERS MY FRIEND!

Mitsuko's picture

"...a brown asshole hasn't gotten this much undeserved attention since al sharpton's last press conference. " lollollol I almost pissed myself. Lol awesome blog btw. K thanks.

omggg's picture

This is the funniest goddamn thing I have ever read in my entire life.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I used to think people going to college for English were wasting their time... but if they teach you to write like this, I'm sadly mistaken.

Anonymous Coward's picture

what if you have grape size hemorrhoids? my a-hole is in need of bleaching, but b4 i get to that, i need a gasket overhaul of a more structural nature.

Anonymous Coward's picture

HaHaha this is too funny. You're so clever! Thanks for conducting such an experiment. I'm totally bleaching my butthole and now I'll be able to save money and side step any awkwardness when purchasing.
-All in all we're just another poop in the stall. Thanks again!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I came to look up anal bleaching because Bruno discussed it in an interview and i had no clue wat it was....ive got to recommend it to all the gay men in my life now :P

Jessii's picture

Ive just used Jolen Cream bleach, which is used for hair lightining (facial etc) with great results!. It took 10 days but Im nice n pink :)

Lisa the Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm on day 3 of anal bleaching using the Esoterica. I can't wait to get a pink starfish! I've read you can use it on your nipples as well so I've been using it there too. I'd like to get them a little pinker and less brown. Thanks to my hairy Italian mother... Will let you know how that goes.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Well this was funny and informative to say the least, don't think I've ever seen so many anus and anus related word plays ever. 'T was a crack to read, thanks!

Elise Abrams's picture

VonHerack Labs makes the best anal bleaching cream. Anal bleach cream is not harmful

Chrissy's picture

OMG you are so funny! I laughed and learned at the same time! You are a very good descriptive writer!

Ben Wa's picture

Bravo! Well done! A couple of years ago I got a wild hair and bought a tube of some bleaching cream with the intention of beautifying old one-eye as an experiment. I never got down to it. Now I can live vicariously through your experience. Good job with the puns and double-entendres!

MrsV2010's picture

I think this is great, Im a 28 year old woman who has had three children. I want to bleach my anus to have it, have a more youthful look like some of the gals i watch in the porn video's, I wouldn't want a guy to stick his tounge down there, unless it was appealing to the eye..

mud bunny's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Putting aside my firm belief that no REAL man should regularly bleach his anus, this is one of the best stories I've read on PR. Too entertaining!! I'd give up a finger to be able to write like that. Anyway, personally, even as a female, I'd never even consider it, but the notion of anal bleaching itself will anuse me for years. :D

marc's picture

omg, you are too funny! great writer! thanks for the info!!!

St Louis MO's picture

Hey! Thanks for your insight. I'm female but obsessed with getting rid of my brown spot! It make my bum look old. I don't want to be a porn star, but I'd like to look like one in the bedroom. awwww yeah.

Tyra's picture

I totally agree with "hnmmm". If it us ok for a female porn star it should be ok for male ones as well.

victemofanalhumor's picture

I have never read a more humorus piece about assholes written by assholes wanting to lighten up, face cream for assholes, too much!! When you gonna do another one??? can't wait!!

hnmmm's picture

Ok for a female porn star to do it its ok. but if a guy does it, its weird.. well i dont think so , for a guy to do it, is totally hot

Holly Beale's picture

Well written... But, as amusing and perplexing your abstract of self stripping was, your anal colouring is fine the way it is!

Why must we follow what we see on red tube as a wholly physical conformed aesthetic persued only by a sexual representation or a imaginary hierarchy of oneself?

Prolonged use of hydroquinone (chemical used in anal bleacher) can thicken collagen fibers, resulting in a spotty skin appearance. Long term mercury, a known carcinogenic, harshly strips the skin of its natural pigment, (so its possible you will result in have a world map as your anus).

Prolonged exposure to either can cause cancer, mercury poisoning, liver or kidney failure...

Imagine telling your family you're dying from too much ass lightener.

Anal bleaching can also cause chemical burns and adverse hyper-sensitivity to an already sensitive area!

Is it really worth it?

As with any cosmetic surgery, there are risks that may or may not (but most likely definetly) outweigh the potential benefits. I highly recommend consulting your doctor before attempting to bleach your own anus or visiting a salon that offers the service. Some anal bleaching kits or salons advertise safety, but there are risks associated with long term exposure to chemicals, especially known carcinogens.

Look it up on wikipedia.com for the terms explainations.

Always ask yourself "at what cost"?

The Dapper Crapper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I've been hooked on this site for about a month. I read it at work during down-time, going through the archives. I started laughing audibly when I saw the paint swatches! That was a ridiculous, funny, and tasteful way to show the results. Thanks for not posting any real photos!


_______
the dapper crapper – shitting in style.

the dapper crapper – shitting in style.

BitchShitter's picture

I am now willing to try this. No longer in the midst of containg and covering my dark shitter when getting poked in the rump, I found the ever-so-enlightening information very useful!

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