If you have never used a bidet, you may wonder what all the fuss is about. I first became curious about bidets after seeing an ad for the
Biffy on late night TV. Being a mild hemorrhoid sufferer, I thought it might be something I should look into. Up until that time, I thought a bidet had to be a completely separate fixture, like those found in large bathrooms in fancy hotels. I had no idea some clever person had designed an attachment that fits onto an existing fixture and takes up no additional space in the bathroom. The Biffy
commercial made a lot of sense to me -- imagine trying to clean up messy poop with dry paper! Water is simply a much more effective cleansing agent.
It seemed like a perfectly logical equation to me: PS < WC. Paper Smearing is less effective than Water Cleanup.
After researching many devices (who knew there exists such a plethora of available butt washers?), I discovered a host of products with a dizzying array of features. All of them attach in some way to an existing toilet -- either as a replacement seat, a seat attachment, or even a bowl attachment. After hours of investigation, I was overwhelmed by choices; and although I knew I would be getting one of these cool gadgets, my dilemma was: how do I narrow them down and pick the right device?
Well, one of the first things to consider when making any purchase is cost versus value. All of the replacement-type seats I looked at were way cool, but those came with the highest
Panasonic Intimist
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price tags. Requirements for connection to water and electricity lines meant many of them would need professional installation. The super-deluxe models, such as the
Panasonic Intimist can be quite pricey. The deluxe wash/dry model, with heated soft-close seat, warm water spray, and blow dryer, can run well upwards of $600. I went ahead and checked those off my list. I wanted one, but not THAT bad.
The other extremely cool options were toilet add-ons. Although these have much less whiz-bang, so to speak, they are every bit as serviceable and usually much simpler to install. Some fold out of sight, while others are permanently positioned. The fold-away model made the most sense to me.
The GoBidet
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They come in cold water only and warm water models.
The GoBidet is a fold-away model that uses a hot and cold water mix. Similar in design to the Biffy that had first attracted my attention, this guy is all metal and looks to be very sturdy. At first I thought for sure I wanted a warm water unit, but as I read the different testimonials and reviews, I discovered that people did not mind the cool water in the cold only models. Some likened it to a cool cloth on your forehead when you feel sick -- even though the cloth is cold, somehow it feels great. The perineum does not have many hot/cold sensors (luckily for those who like a lot of spicy food), and if you're a hemorrhoid sufferer, the cool water actually soothes the irritated piles and makes them shrink on the spot. I decided to go the cheapest route and get a cold water model only.
There was only one decision left: what kind of water flow did I want? The Biffy and the cold water GoBidet have showerhead-style nozzles. The other choice was the USABidet. I liked its precision and concentration, and it appeared to be very sturdy and well made. At $149.95, it was a bit more money than the others (which sold for more like $100), but I decided this looked like the best value. The Biffy is almost 100% plastic, and the GoBidet doesn't have the concentrated spray I was after. Another thing I noticed was that the USABidet mounts entirely on the seat, allowing it to tuck out of the way better than the
USABidet
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bowl-mounted GoBidet, so the whole bowl can be cleaned without obstruction.
After all this research, I made my decision and placed my order. The next few days seemed like a blur, but soon the UPS man was at the door delivering my new toy. I read the instructions and began to install this chrome-plated beauty. Sure enough, it was very sturdy, almost bulletproof. The valve worked like a charm, and the installation was not too difficult. The water connection was a breeze.
The first bit of trouble I had was that the return spring was depicted backward on the instructions, and the bidet would not retract as drawn. It was simple to figure out the problem, however, and soon I had a beautiful installation. The only other problem I encountered was that this device is rather stout, and thus the toilet seat had to be elevated slightly to facilitate the clearance needed. The company supplies rubber feet for this purpose, but I wish they had supplied four instead of just two -- that would have made the seat clearance issue simpler. Nonetheless, with only a few household tools and about an hour of work, I was ready for my test drive.
The first time I used it, I rotated the handle too far and sprayed water all over the bathroom. This was just a learning issue, though, and by the second use, I was aiming like a pro. I still remember that the first time I turned it on -- I clenched with all my might and got ready for a cold shot. Much to my amazement, however, the cool water actually felt great! The cleansing was awesome and the water pressure fully adjustable from a gentle rinse to a mighty stream that would easily reach the ceiling if no one were seated above it.
After water cleaning, wiping is entirely unnecessary. The only thing needed is a couple of squares to pat dry. Even those squares come out clean from fecal matter. For my preferences, this product far exceeded my expectation in both quality and serviceability.
Things I have learned since my bidet purchase: yeah, I may be biased, but I think everyone should have a bidet, particularly those who suffer from ‘roids, eat mucho spicy food, or have physical limitations that make traditional wiping difficult.
Another issue I discovered: the direct stream from the bidet can be used as a makeshift enema. This blew my mind. If you've ever experienced a stool so dry and hard it almost rips your o-ring coming out or even gets stuck halfway, you would give a hundred dollars for one good burst from this bidet. When I get on the throne in the morning, I give myself a good shot before I defecate, thus lubing the pipes. Then even the largest, driest, most difficult logjam slips easily out. After a normal movement, even when I think I'm clean, I relax the sphincter and give myself a squirt right up the middle and into the lower part of the colon. One would scarcely believe the stuff that's left in one's colon after defecation. Usually several more substantial chunks of fudge come out -- chunks which would otherwise have been there festering until the next movement.
Although I heartily recommend a bidet in every bathroom, there are a couple of downsides. My particular model, the USABidet, has a few small drawbacks, but these are minor considering the wonderful health benefits. First, this unit tends to "air hammer," a phenomenon which occurs when air is trapped inside the part of the pipe opposite the nozzle. It causes a chatter that sounds like a jackhammer on the pipe. This could be bad for the Shameful Shitters in our midst, but it can be controlled by careful use of the valve. I haven't tried the one-handed model, but I don't think this would be a problem for that design.
The second issue I have is that the arcing motion tends to shoot mostly towards the middle of the arc, so the back-and-forth motion of the spray is extremely limited. Although this is easily overcome by gently rocking yourself back and forth, a little more aiming ability would have been nice.
The third and most troubling problem applies to all these products: you become almost addicted to your home throne. Once you start using a bidet, frankly, you don't want to go without it. Right now I am planning an extended overseas vacation, and I'm booking hotels based on bidet availability. I may even have to get a portable one and break it in if I can't find suitable lodgings.
I truly believe this is one of the healthiest things one can do for the body -- and I'm no yoga-preachin' all-soy-eatin' nut! As a bonus, my wife tells me that my underwear is almost totally void of any kind of skidmarks -- a phenomenon, I'm sad to say, was not always the case before I got my bidet.
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RATING CHART FOR USABidet
Price: B-
At $149.95, it seems just a little high, but it IS built like a tank!
Quality and Durability: A
I have used mine for nearly four years without so much as a hint of failure.
Ease of installation: A-
A few glitches with the instructions, a little trouble getting the seat adjusted high enough, but overall very easy.
Functionality: B
Fantastic water pressure where needed, but soft and gentle as well. Not much aiming capability. Seems like the Biffy and the Go Bidet may be better here.
Overall: A-
Do your sore, bleeding bunghole a favor and just get one of these. It will thank you for years to come!
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