That's quite a report far a couple of freebie rolls of asswipe at Costco. You could probably write a novel if you bought a toilet.

Yep.

That was an interesting bit of sociology. I certainly would have no problem trying a sample if the grocery store I patronize decided to hand out freebies.

But I understand why some people might feel uncomfortable. I've heard tell that males sometimes feel very uncomfortable going out and buying certain 'feminine products' for their wives and girlfriends.

We all know that there's a healthy percentage of people who also feel uncomfortable discussing bodily functions. Making a big to-do in the checkout line about TP choices is just something many people would never do.

I think Ashton Kutcher could take this one step further and get an episode of 'Punk'd' out of it.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Shweet. Thats so cool you got a free sample of the softest asswipe to ever grace your ass. Thats awesome. This reminds me of what this site is for: Its for people to come to after a hard day at work, to get happy, and to remember that everyone shits, so no one will be scared of shitting!!

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(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

I think CEP deserves a "great comment" for that one. LOL

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Hmmm gonna have to check at BJ's for this product. Sounds great and yes you really have to aggressively market asswipe thats for sure.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I avoid eye contact with every "free sample" person that I see hanging out in stores. Even if my wife grabs a free sample, I keep walkin'. There's just something creepy about them.

Interesting analysis, BD. I would counter, though, that a more appropriate "objective" measure for TP would be the length on the roll.

Imagine now that there's a bean counter (BC) who's more concerned with the bottom line than this clients' bottoms. BC wants to increase his profits either by increase his revenue or decrease his cost. In order to increase his revenue, he either has to increase the size of the market or increase his market share.

It seems to me the market for TP is relatively fixed. Each person, over the course of a year, probably craps approximately the same number of times. To be certain, there may be more productive weeks and less productive weeks, but over the long-haul, say year-to-year, I would bet that most people's bowel habits don't change. Given that, you will be dooking a relatively fixed number of times, I would also bet that the amount of TP per asswipe is relatively fixed. I, for instance, am a double-wrapper. That is, I take a length about twice the width of my hand and fold it over before wiping. I don't count the number of sheets; I use TP according to other orthopometric measures.

It's also doubtful that the TP manufacturers could induce you to crap more often. The reason why they would want you to go more often is obvious. However, the devil is in the details. How could they get you to do this? What are they going to do? Get Dr. Pepper to start putting Prune juice in their product instead of polyethylene glycol? While it may be healthier for you, most people would rather drink radiator fluid instead of Prune juice. Or they could encourage people to lead healthier lives by eating dried apple rings instead of Fritos.

Still, even if they can make you want to purge your bowels more often, there's an upper limit to the number of times per day that you would be willing to do this. Say, they induce you to go twice as often. For the once-per-day folks, hallelujah! For the three-times-per-day folk, their production has now increased to torrential levels. And gawd help those who suffer from IBS.

This, of course, is the company's disincentive. Imagine Mike Wallace standing at the front door of corporate headquarters wildly waving a memo claiming that your company is spiking your sister products so that people have to shit more often. How long do you think it would be before there were Congressional hearings on this? The Politicians and the Media love this kind of shit. Trust me about this. I've lived in Washington, D.C. most of my life and I know that all of these bastards live for this kind of shit.

BC could go after market share. Now, the usual ways for capturing market share are advertising or price. Raising product awareness is an expensive proposition. The cheaper forms of advertising probably wouldn't work, like telemarketers or junk mail. After all, would you be turned on by a call while you're eating asking you what you intend to clean up your dinner with? And junk mail certainly wouldn't do because most people would use that instead of BC's product just for the irony of it. Junk mail, then, is out of the question.

That only leaves TV. But in order to make a decent commercial, you have to hire ad agencies and producers unless, of course, your selling Doritos. Still, the cost of the air time for the Super Bowl wasn't cheap. With a profit margin of pennies per package, you're going to have to sell alot more asswipe in order to make this a paying proposition.

Of course, there are publicity stunts which can be cheap. But what are you going to do? Have an asswiping contest? I'm sure there are lots of possibilities. I'm also sure that if this were a viable means of advertising, it would have been done by now.

I'm betting that most people are like me. They won't buy the cheapest because they're concerned that it maybe 80-grit sandpaper or that it leaves ass-stucco at the least hint of moisture. Once you get beyond the industrial-strength, low-cost toilet papers, mid-priced TP is a commodity; it's all relatively the same so I don't care about the manufacturer. I'm also betting that high-priced asswipe market is dominated by the connoiseurs and the dilettantes, which I'm sure is a very small segment of the entire population. Therefore, the bulk of the TP market would be price sensitive as these people aren't a large factor.

So BC starts looking at decreasing cost. He can always lay people off, but I'm betting that his production line is already very efficient and highly automated. He could move his production off-shore, but chances are that he probably did that in the '90's, if he was ever going to do that.

Looking at the product, he wants to reduce the amount of product per unit sold. This means that he's got to put less material in the product without effecting the consumer's perception of the product. There are only so many ways he can do this. He can decrease the weight of the paper in the sheet or decrease the size of the sheet.

BC knows that the consumer's standard of measure is the sheet. But he can't reduce the number of sheets per roll because his value-conscious consumers will question his product if they see that they're getting less product for the same price. That is, they might feel short-sheeted and with good reason. There are few people who will pay more for less, although there seems to be such a trend these days, as people go from Super-Size back to rational portions. Most of this, however, seems to be at the input end of the human anatomy and not the output end.

If BC decreases the weight in the sheet, he also decreases the strength of the sheet. Like most manufacturers, he's probably putting no more in that product than he has to in order to make the product functional and safe. Putting less material in a product that is already at its minimal configuration will lead to more malfunctions. I generally don't care whether it's Cottonelle or Nothern White as long as it works. However, if I suddenly start getting shit under my fingernails because somebody's product isn't working as advertised, I'm going to strongly encourage my wife to avoid that brand.

Of course, BC can start making his TP from stronger materials. I think that putting a strengthening agent in the mix would probably cost more than leaving the product in its current configuration. While "Kevlar" on the packaging might be a selling point for men, I don't think that the major purchasers, women, would be impressed. Besides, "Kevlar" sounds too much like "Asbestos". While I may not mind putting it on my head as protection of bullets and shrapnel, I wouldn't want to put it against my sphincter.

So, BC can't reduce the weight per sheet, nor can he reduce the number of sheets per roll. That only leaves dimensions of the sheet.

BC can't decrease the width of the sheet as the width of the roll is an industry standard. Consumers would notice that the roll fits sloppily on the hanger. They might forgive a few rolls, but rolls that just aren't snug on the hanger won't do. Because of the tight tolerances between the hanger and the roll along the width, any extra space would probably be noticed, again, as short-sheeting or shoddy production.

However, if the length of the sheet were decreased, BC would still be able to keep the same sheet count on the packaging while decreasing the material in the package. The length of the roll is shorter and the roll would be lighter, but who would notice? After all, when was the last time that you measured a roll of TP or, except for BD, weighed your roll of TP? Are you going to put your clean asswipe regularly on a kitchen scale just to make sure that you aren't getting gypped? Are you going to unspool the roll up and down your neighborhood sidewalks for the same reason? Probably not.

Would you notice that you're using eight sheets instead of seven? Maybe. But you already know how much you need in order to get the job done. I imagine that most people pull off a fixed length of TP. I don't suppose that many people count the number of sheets before tearing it off of the roll. And in really dire situations, they probably just yank the damn roll and settle whatever they think is more than safe regardless of the number of sheets.

Sure, you might notice that the diameter of the roll got smaller. However, more air could be injected into the TP production process. Just as surely as some people eat more cabbage in order to bulk up their turds and produce more methane, so extra air in the TP would maintain the bulk of the roll. He could also slap the words "New! Improved! Softer Than Ever!" on the packaging and still be telling the truth. For this, BC would

get his sought after promotion and the adoration of peers.

And that is why linear feet should become the standard for measuring TP.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Wow Deja Poo, that was a long comment. Yeah, I'm all for free stuff, especially when it's toilet paper. I wish that they gave out free samples of Gas Medication. I have been having a terrible time with excess gas. Does anybody have any ideas for a product that halts the ass pipes, without being so strong that I can take it every day, if need be. You know, I was thinking of something, tell me if I'm off base. I was thinking if I made a sort of ass filter, maybe a small vinyl tube, with a flared base, stuffed with charcoal filter. How's that do you think? Does that sound plausible, an ass filter?
Anyway, toilet paper's cool, but I'm a baby wipe guy.

There is such an ass filter, Phillip DeCrapper. It's called Flat-D.

Why thank you for noticing the length of my ...er ...hmmm ...how shall we put this? ...my post, PdeC. Fortunately, it was slow at work today and most of my job was waiting for others to complete theirs.

By the way, I would suggest that you reconsider your ass-filter. As I was reading this, I imagined you were describing something like a kazoo with a charcoal filter. With a little practice, you could probably replace the horn section of your community symphony orchestra.

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Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Has no one else comment-modded this freakin' thread yet? Slackers, all!

Anyway, I think I had the opposite problem at Sam's Club the other week. There were no free samples, but the TP aisle of the store is the dead last aisle in the place, and it's behind the janitorial supplies and other assorted boring crap. I went to get my usual 36 pack of Quilted Northern Double rolls. There were two other people in the aisle, a man and a woman. The man briefly made eye contact and smiled with me. He may have been making a wan attempt to flirt, or covering up anxiety.

My cart was already full of cat litter, fun packs of chips (I can afford the fun pack), and various bulk frozen foods, so the TP wasn't fitting in. So I had to put it on top of the cat litter, making it quite conspicuous to other shoppers. In doing so I noticed that at least half the other shoppers had giant packs of conspicuously placed TP in their carts. Were all the Shameless Shitters in this part of PA at Sam's Club that day? Were all the Shameful Shitters in Bungaladesh at Costco?

Maybe it was the idea of the sample lady's sales pitch that made the people uncomfortable about the samples. I know that at Sam's, the sample ladies have to talk about the features of the product and what you can use it for, and, of course, you have to try the product.

Picture the sample lady saying, "This TP is quilted and soft and perfect for those post-Taco-Bell ass hangovers. It soothes the burning sensation of the most pernicious diarrhea. Plus, you get 72 rolls in a pack. You won't even run out in a snowstorm!"

And, of course, I won't even go into the feasibility of trying the product.

(In warmer weather, a porta-potty outside the store would have been a nice touch. The cameras could have been rolling for commercials of post-wipe testimonials. Truth in advertising indeed.)

There are like a buttload of polls I can get out of this report. As you can see, I've had a dearth of ideas lately in that department.

Ahh, you guys are great-- AND THOUROUGH!

I thoroughly enjoyed the story and the comments thus far (Deja Poo, wow!)

I remember what my brother in law said to me when we all went to Costco over 10 years ago and I got one of those huge TP packs-- he said "Ewww, you need that much TP"? and I said, "Yes, I wipe my butt, You don't?" That shut him up!

I really, really commend Bunga for bringing up to the general/consumer retail public, for everyone who actually wipes their ass, into the open-- Yes. Shit happens. And (hopefully) wiped.

This kinda reminds me of some comedian's bit (I don't know who) quipped that when he buys a huge thing of TP and some food at the grocery store, he asks the checker, "Is this enough TP for the amount of food I'm buyin'?"

I've dared my shamless dad to do this at the supermarket, but he's never seen the clip and hasn't seen fit to do it.....yet."

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

I think AB2K may have stumbled onto a barometer for our society in terms of Shamefullness vs. Shamelessness.

Think about it; in a soceity of Shameless shitters, I would imagine that it would be fairly common to see people that were not afraid to proudly and boldly carry their newly acquired TP through the isles of their chosen buying grounds.

Gone would be the days of hiding your asswipe in the bottom of your cart under the packages of hotdogs and macaroni and cheese.

It would be an interesting experiment: can you, in fact, measure the level of someone's Shamefullness by the way they display (or don't display) their TP when they buy it?

I believe you can. Bunga, a steadfast advocate of Shamelessness, was not afraid to saunter through Costco swinging his free TP sample and, in effect, proclaim to the world, "I AM A SHAMELESS SHITTER!".

I'm sure it's no stretch of the imagination to see that the person with their TP buried within the depths of their cart has a much higher level of Shamenfullness.

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Holy skid marks Batman!

It's even more universal than with women and whether they'll purchase Feminine Products in a checkout line with a male cashier.

EVERYONE has to buy toilet paper. While an embarassed woman might try to sneak tampons in between the Diet Pepsi and the Corn Flakes, does anyone ever bother to hide the fact that they're putting TP on the conveyor belt?

Interesting subject. I'm going to make sure I have extra time to lurk at the grocery, next time. Let's hope I don't get arrested.

Again.

I LOVE free samples- in fact I love anything that's free. I'm a travel agent, so it's in our blood to like free stuff. We all like it. If I got two big ass free bags of toilet paper like that, I'd be acting like I won the lotto, too.

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Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

I quit hiding the feminine products a long time ago. Now it's actually kind of fun to scout out the male cashier.
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I frequently buy femine products, just so chicks think I'm caring and sensitive,and stuff.

Doesn't work very well...in fact, hasn't worked at all. Now I got a garage full of crap I can't use, and haven't impressed a gal enough to give it all to....my life just freaking sux. If it were any worse, I'd be DF and kill myself.

Have a garage sale. You might meet someone nice.

Quit telling me what to do, you, you, teller.

Not a teller. A Seer. Trust me. Cardboard. Magic Marker. Make signs. You'll be sharing your bathroom in no time.

Maybe it's because I just read "Mr. Pooh Revisited"...but that second picture of the samples bears a remarkable resemblance to Mr.Pooh (and his Francophone cousin, at right).

One thing I always loved about TP is the packaging. Angels, clouds, soft furry animals, babies. Great stuff.
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Strippers Poop Too!

Free toilet paper?! You found free toilet paper? That's great! I'll have to start shopping at Costco (even if it is 5 and a half hours away). I've never heard of Cashmere Premium before, even if Scott makes it. Is it just a Costco variety or only offered in Canada? I'd wonder what kind of affect this would have on a septic tank.

Scott makes good stuff, no matter what variety. I accidentally grabbed their package of "extra soft" and was really annoyed, until I discovered that it cleaned even better than the other. Plus, no TP breakthrough or dingleberries of any kind. And the rolls are bigger. I have to wonder if "extra soft" here in the USA is "cashmere" in Canada.

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

_Free TP whoopee!!!!!!!!!!!!______
Producing waste since 1967