Moist Wipes Right When I Need Them

Moist Wipes Right When I Need Them

Posted 10.05.2005 by Ratz (72)

For a short while now I've been seeing commercials for Cottonelle Fresh moist wipes. For those of you not familiar with this product, Cottonelle Fresh moist wipes are supposed to be follow-ups for when you're through wiping with dry toilet paper. Call me old fashioned, but I always thought them to be a touch pointless. I'd watch these commercials with an air of malcontent, thinking to myself, "Gee, that's stupid. Toilet paper does the job just fine. Besides, they'll only re-wet your ass and make you have to wipe again." I

The puppy on the label implies they're soft as wiping your ass with a puppy.

mean, if you really think about it, your ass is essentially the antithesis of soap: soap is self-cleaning, your asshole is self-dirtying.

I was sitting on my drum throne (of my now defunct drum set) stripping some new wires for the rear speakers of my stereo system when I felt a fart brewing. Not being afflicted with any stomach discomfort, I didn't think much of it, and I let 'er rip. Suddenly a cloud of syrupy warmth enveloped the better part of my ass crack. I sat in agitated disbelief for a few moments. My life flashed before my eyes. A tear graced my cheek. And I was pissed -- not only did this interrupt my current endeavor, but now I had a shitty mess to deal with.

I got up slowly and removed my pants and underwear to discover a long, colorless stripe across the left buttock area of the boxers. In its journey it had formed a clever little river etched down to the taint area. It sort of looked like a map of Middle Earth. So, in light of my defeat, I tiptoed sullenly to the bathroom to expel this beer-and-Easy-Cheese afterbirth. I glanced at the toilet, which said to me, "Well, Ratz, it's now or never." I sat down and let loose.

It was incredible. Seriously. It was like one of those "it could never happen to me" mudslides you see on RealTV or something. It was like letting go of a significant chapter of my life. I actually felt morbidly depressed. I sat, downtrodden, on the toilet, thinking of all the wasted years and all the mistakes that must have lead to this profound poop. Truly I was being punished by a higher power -- these things, you see, don't just happen.

Finally, after the storm had passed, I arose to salvage the remains of my now brutally-disfigured ass. No joke: it took a fourth of a roll of toilet paper to stabilize my nether region, which was now in a state of shock. Not only because of the exorbitant amount of fecal matter, but there was also a mass of mucus accompanying the already bog-like conditions. Yes, mucus, the very same you blow out of your nose.

At any rate, when the damage was finally done, I donned a new pair of boxers, confident that I had overcome my anal adversity. No dice. I felt "sticky" and smelled of intense poop and Alpo dog food. (Your guess is as good as mine.) I feared the worst and prayed that perhaps, by some fluke of nature, that maybe it was a reversed nocturnal emission. What would you dub that? Uncontrollably emitting feces during day-dreaming... hmmm... premise.

Being too early in the day for a shower (I hate showering during the day, it makes me drowsy), I had to think quick. I suddenly recalled that a family member of mine had been having some troubles with dairy lately and had been paying frequent homage to the porcelain deities. Being of the easily sold persuasion, I figured she'd have some of the aforementioned moist wipes somewhere in her bathroom.

Success!

These Cottenelle Fresh moist wipes are what can be described as an amalgamation of exfoliating face wash wipe and baby wipe. At this point, I would've siphoned lotion up my ass to relieve the burden; but, as they say, beggars can't be choosers. It took about three of 'em to do the trick -- but after those three blankets of aloe-filled heaven released my ass (and taint) from sin, I was sold. I didn't grab a mirror to check for sure, but I think it's pretty safe to say that each towelette took a year off of my sphincter. Everything began falling into place for me. I marched triumphantly back to my room to reap the spoils of victory.

Moral of the story? Don't knock it until you try it! And don't work with electronics and shit your pants.

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Logjam (2452) -- 10.05.2005

This was a brilliantly formulated tale, studded with new concepts, (toilet paper as a “stabilizing” agent). Give us more reports, please.

Bilgepump (1732) -- 10.05.2005

Excellent!! Now if I could put a soty/report together as well as Ratz, (or LJ for that matter) uber status would be assured!!!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 10.05.2005

What I liked about your story, Ratz, was that you managed to combine the essence of a consumer report with an entertaining personal poop account. It came off as a pleasant and original blend, and I have to think that anyone reading this would be willing to give moist wipes a try as a result.

Nice work!

Splatterbuns (70) -- 10.05.2005

Nice report. I'll have to pick up a pack for those 'special' moments. And the puppy on the package? Interesting thought. I've wiped with geese and chickens, but never puppies.

Ben (45) -- 10.05.2005

Wet wipes after a BM is essential. At home, I wash myself. ON the road, I wet two sheets of paper towels and bring them into the loo. After the dry wipe and all seems clean, I use the wet wipes. Otherwise, I get this sticky feeling I hate. Also, an itch inevitably develops.

I think my low tech wipe is more economical. These commercial wipes can contain chemicals that is irritating to some.

Shatty Cake (135) -- 10.05.2005

"Suddenly a cloud of syrupy warmth enveloped the better part of my ass crack. I sat in agitated disbelief for a few moments. My life flashed before my eyes. A tear graced my cheek."

Wow, so poignant.... Sigh.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.05.2005

Baby wipes are just as good.

C Everett Poop (668) -- 10.05.2005

Excellent story and consumer report. Timing your morning dump before your morning shower also works for a clean ass crack.

toilet muck (20) -- 10.05.2005

I love to hear the word "sphincter".

runninggrrl (not verified) -- 10.05.2005

I love those moist wipes. Usually, I just buy the baby wipes, since those work pretty well. However, I keep them hidden under the sink in case someone comes to use my bathroom and wonders why I have baby wipes and no baby. They are a lifesaver in situations like this!

Bilgepump (1732) -- 10.05.2005

In the Arizona desert heat, my crack is inevitably turned swampy in a matter of minutes...I want DRY dammit! not wet!!!

Nothing more embarrassing than delivering toilet paper to a customer with nut sweat and crack sweat stains showing!!!!

daphne (3667) -- 10.05.2005

It never occurred to me to like a poop stain to the map of Middle Earth.

Excellent. Great job!!.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Coach Crap (not verified) -- 10.05.2005

Gee,I thought Arizona had a dry heat.

Ratz (72) -- 10.05.2005

Thanks a lot for the kind words everyone! Yeah, this diarrhea earthquake of sorts came on a day that just kept going downhill; as they say "when it rains, it pours"! At any rate, I'm sold on the moist wipes. And I'm sure many of you are right, baby wipes probably are just as effective. At that point, I was desperate, and we all know, sphincters can't be chosers.

MegaDump (100) -- 10.05.2005

I'm trying to imagine that map of Middle Earth with the Two Towers on it somewhere...

Bilgepump (1732) -- 10.06.2005

For the Coach, the air is dry here, but I can assure you, sweat pours out of you like no tomorrow.

IT WASNT ME (21) -- 10.06.2005

nothing better when your ass crack is a mess than w warm moist wipe

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 10.07.2005

Surprisingly, I didn't know about using any kind of wipes until a few years ago. Now I am never without. As a chick, I love the clean and calming feeling they produce. Second only to a bidet I suppose. But be careful with baby wipes, they don't disintegrate and can clog your pipes. (I'm assuming you flush them when you're done.)

Also, I've had to use the "Fresh wipes" on a vacation when I had no way to shower. They have many uses, but none as important as getting both my nether regions spic and span, due to all kind of human "inclement weather."

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.07.2005

I just about spit my water when I read "human 'inclement weather.'" It caught me off guard, haha.

FamousAnus (5) -- 10.08.2005

Fart Poopie is a great name, too funny. Anyway,
are these ass cloths you speak of good for cut off's or turtle heads that never got out? And what about the blood shits?

Flapping Colon (27) -- 10.10.2005

Some wet wipes can cause irritation, so try different brands FamousAnus. I had a raw anus from gritty shitting, and the wet wipe I used felt like someone had just squirted battery acid into my rectum.

Ratz -- Thanks for the story! I'll have to get this brand next time I shop. I have a colonscopy to prepare for on Monday, so I'll be needing them!

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.10.2005

Huggies, my friends, Huggies.
I love their wipes. You can get the ones with aloe, they feel very nice on the bum. The shea butter wipes are very soft and smell good too.

Bilgepump (1732) -- 10.11.2005

I just received a sample packet of "Sphincterine" from Dave, and I have to say it was very soothing. I'll have to look at the wrapper again to get you more info, or just click on the link on the front page, I endorse them whole heartedly!!!!

L Wrong Hubbard (216) -- 10.13.2005

Wet wipes would be a good alternative in 3rd world countries like the USA. In Japan, the Washlet rules supreme

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 10.21.2005

Hmm. Sounds like a good idea when I fly out to Hong Kong.

shines (not verified) -- 01.04.2006

I use Preparation H wipes. They are a bit pricey, but those other ones all have stuff in them that irritates my behind. Being prone to boils in that region I am EXTREMELY particular about what is applied there. The baby wipes and that cottonelle stuff all have "fragrance" stuff added, which is my worst offender. Witch hazel is the most active ingredient of the Preparation H wipes.

Poop Shooter (598) -- 01.19.2006

They used to make a warming device for the baby wipe containers. I should try one of them on the new more pricey "bathroom wipes" A warm moist towel on the bum has got to beat a cold wet wipe. Does yer arse not deserve the best?

jyleah (not verified) -- 01.26.2006

one time my mom had to go to the bathroom really bad,and we were on the way to her friends house.So she went on the side of the road, and it was a big dump!It's probarly still there!So then when she was done I said ewww theres a person looking at you!And thats the story.

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 02.16.2006

Ratz--are you sure YOU'RE not lactose intolerant? That's what it sounded like, to me.

And Bilgepump--the wipey have alcohol, usually, which dries pretty fast, and besides, in ARIDzona, the atmosphere sucks every last molecule of moisture out of every pore of every body, so wouldn't a nice cool wipey be refreshing?

The Dumpster (2506) -- 02.16.2006

You need to make sure you are getting "flushable" wipes, too. The ones that aren't can clog up your pipes and, if you are on a septic system, mess up your tank.

I learned all that when Little Dumpster was a baby. Now I just stick with toilet paper. I want to feel dry when I get up.

('Course, in a crisis, you can always use the TSV method and dip your ass in the sink!)

Electric God (not verified) -- 06.21.2006

I agree with 'shines' about the witchhazel wipes. I prefer the ones from Tucks or, if you are in Wal-mart, Equate. Equate pads are around $3 for 100 pads. They are wonderful for eliminating that aggravating itch and those embarassing hashmarks.

mapoopsalot (6) -- 08.26.2006

A warm wash cloth is best. A warm moist disposable wipe would be lovely. It would be difficult to carry while out in public.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 05.11.2007

My roommate got me using them years ago and I even carry around travel packs now. You never know when one needs a clean and clear, fresh and yummy bum.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.05.2007

Bilgepump has got some seriously sweaty nuts if they are staining his pants!

Personally I prefer Kan - Doos, flushable wipes. They have a fresh garden smell to them.

Hamster (581) -- 10.05.2007

I like the idea of wipes - so much cleaner - but have just never got round to the idea of carrying them with me.

Steve I. (not verified) -- 01.10.2008

Best New Idea Since Baby Wipes!
I have been using The Bidet Spray for over a year and I can't poop without using it to "clean up my act".
I have a bottle at home, a bottle at work and I carry one with me in my briefcase.
Leaves me clean and fresh and NO MORE SKIDMARKS!!

You can't take a Bidet with you, but
you can take The Bidet Spray anywhere.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 02.22.2008

I prefer them PRE-TP. TP now serves as a pat-dry device. These are the best! I'm not sure why I EVER stopped using baby wipes.

MSG (743) -- 02.23.2008

A few days ago I had a blowout from drinking too much apple juice. Unfortunately, it was at work, at the start of the day, and I had no access to my usual final cleansing product (Noxzema). Thus, I had a sore and mildly itchy butt for that day and the next; yesterday I noticed that even my farts hurt! I think there's something about a diarrhea blast that not only coats my anus but gives it little sores or splits from the temporary acid bath. I'm going to continue using Noxzema on the last wipe; but if I don't lose the hurt pretty soon, I'll get some wet wipes. For a while we had some Tucks wipes, and I liked them a lot.

daphne (3667) -- 02.23.2008

I just got done reading a very interesting article about Noxema. Did you know it's basically shortening and menthol? I can see why it's soothing to your, um, parts. It's got emolients for your skin, but also has menthol to get the circulation going for healing.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Thunderous ... (710) -- 02.23.2008

Ahhhh the greatest innovation since Wet Ones! I have ALWAYS used Wet Ones or some kind of moist towelette. I am looking forward to trying these too now. Sometimes people you can wipe and wipe and wipe and then you go to take off your underwear and its FUCK where did that skiddy come from? I would damn near clog the toilet as a child wiping and still get skidmarks. Then I discovered that if I washed back there it was so much better and cleaner of course then that created problems of itself too. Moist towelettes are the way to go. So parents as the Wet Ones ad said nearly 35 years ago so I sayeth unto you......Young children who arent as careful as they should be will definitely benefit. I now benefit as the older person with cleansing problems due to hairy ass. Thank you moist towelette inventors everywhere KUDOS.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!