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USA Bidet: Even MORE Bidet For The Buck

Posted 07.27.2007 by poo_poo_poodio (121)
Editor's note: Some time ago, I received the following email from ThomL, CEO and owner of USA Bidet.

Dear Dave,

Apparently someone in your organization has given us a great review. It is my desire to send them an upgraded version of the USA Bidet H-2. Our new version is made from medical-grade stainless steel that has been polished to produce a finish compatible with most bathroom britework.

Mounting the bidet was reported to be something of an issue. One of our customers, an engineer, did the new write-up. Please note that the spring may be wound a bit to strengthen the return. The new mounts are stainless steel, and we now include four bumpers. All units are tested pneumatically to 110 psi -- a pressure that would lift you off the seat as well as blow out a few bathroom lights.

We do listen to our customers and have evolved the unit to fill many of the more reasonable requests. (Note that "reasonable" is the operative adjective here.) We have over eighty percent return business. We call these folks "repeat offenders," so we must be doing something right. Having said that, it's rather hard to miss the target when firing point blank. I could go on...

There also appears to be a bit on concern about price. Each unit was made of high-grade copper and brass. The price increases we have experienced have made stainless steel a very acceptable alternative. The price will be increasing accordingly, yet we are well in-line with our product's production costs. Also note that the post office has continued to increase their fees and we have held our shipping/packaging constant. We are still a bargain.

Please extend my offer to the writer of the review. No strings attached -- just a show of appreciation.

Respectfully,

Thom Lindheimer, CEO
USA Bidet


Wow! That's quite an offer. I forwarded it to Poo_poo_poodio, the PoopReporter in question. His response:

Wow, I feel like my tushy has just won the lottery. Thanks in advance for forwarding this to Thom and his wonderful organization. Once the new and improved unit is installed, I will review it if I feel that the changes have made significant improvement. I do like the idea of stainless steel mounts, as mine tended to turn green when coming in contact with bowl cleaning chemicals; and four rubber feet is a must -- I had to fabricate two of my own feet to get it to work right. (Hey, at least I was standing on my own two feet.) Please thank Thom for me. Ahh, the American dream.


And now: Poo_poo_poodio's review of the USA Bidet H-2.

The center of my universe starts with my master bathroom toilet and expands out to a sixty-mile radius in all directions. If I'm anywhere in that perimeter and feel the urge to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I'm usually heading back to home base. Oh, I hear you -- why would a person stop whatever it is they are doing and drive perhaps an hour just because there's a brown man knocking on the back door?

One simple reason: it's my USA Bidet.

I have read thousands of posts on PoopReport. And I find myself over and over again thinking -- and sometimes posting -- that the answer to a particular problem is a bidet. (Also known by PoopReporters as a "buttsink".) I'm not talking about an expensive fixture found only in posh European hotels; and I'm not even talking about one of those high-tech Japanese toilet seats that provide a warm place to sit and then wash and dry you and test your urine after you conduct a movement. I'm talking about a relatively inexpensive attachment that fits easily to most current toilets -- a device that simply washes you very clean, no matter how wet, dry, or sticky your latest grunt sculpture came out.

Think about it: a life without skidmarks, burning hemorrhoids, or mountains of paper.

Since I installed my USA Bidet, my life has been better. I'm not talking a little fraction better -- I'm talking a lot better. In fact, I'd fight off fifty Shiites with a rusty scimitar if they tried to take it away from me. In life, very few things do what they do, do it well, AND make your life easier. Computers were supposed to make our lives easier, but they didn't -- they made lives different, sure, but not easier. The USA Bidet is one of those things that do the voodoo that they do when I poo.

I recently received a new and improved USA Bidet. I did have a few issues with the original model, and these issues were addressed -- the upgrade is better than ever. They have improved the installation instructions to correct the spring return that was backwards on the original drawing. They have also included a second set of seat risers. The tubing needs just a slight bit more clearance than a standard seat, so four seat risers was much more useful instead of just two. They also upgraded the mounting bracket to stainless steel.

My bidet was installed almost five years ago, and it has been in constant service since then without a hitch. It is still in perfect condition and has even moved with me to my current home. Like I said in my original review, this thing is built like a tank. As my tech school teacher was fond of saying, "Works fine, lasts a long time."

If you have some of the common maladies often cited on this site, do yourself a huge favor and get one of these handy devices. They are great for Hemmies, Skiddies, Hot Runs, and also wonderful for seniors and children. To borrow a phrase from Nike: "Just Poo It." Next time you down the periscope, clean up with this feces fountain and you'll be glad you did.

One last thing: people think a cold water only unit will be uncomfortable; but that could not be further from the truth. The cold unit feels great. It may take a few times to get used to, but after eating spicy Thai food and drinking plenty of beer, your rear thruster rocket with thank you.



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Deja Poo (606) -- 07.27.2007

I'm looking at the positioning of this unit in the bowl. Isn't that right in the "splash down" zone? What happens if you get a massive chunk of crap on it, especially if it's not on jet? How do you clean it?
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

C Everett Poop (587) -- 07.27.2007

It sounds interesting but what can it do that you can't do with wet-wipes or worst case, the shower conveniently located right next to your crapper? I can't say for sure that I would be a big fan of extra hardware mounted to my smoker either. Is it hard to clean around it?

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 07.27.2007

I want one!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Frank2401 (183) -- 07.27.2007


_C Everett Poop. I agree! The shower (just the best way...), wet-wipes ect... And then you commented about the extra hardware to have to clean. The clean toilet -is very important- Keep things simple, NOW you see why I have such a crush on you.

pooologist (16) -- 07.27.2007

i went to their site and checked it out too..it seems a bit awkward to me...how do you dry off?? you have a poop towel next to the toilet?? Or do you just air dry?? i hate the feeling of being "wet" so that would be my main concern in using a bidet :|

Anal About Poop (238) -- 07.27.2007

I have to say I'm intrigued. The part that caught my eye was the "no more skid marks" part. My husband has some seriously rusty underwear. I hate washing them with the rest of the clothes. So this may help. I would first have to convince him that this is neither French nor gay.

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 07.27.2007

My concern has already been raised: wouldn't the crap just get all OVER that thing?!?

PPP, enlighten, please.

Deja Poo (606) -- 07.27.2007

It's probably French and gay but that's not the point. Are the rust marks from a poor wiping or from gas passing? If it's gas passing, the bidet will only work if it's used as an enema and not as an asswash.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Bilgepump (1479) -- 07.27.2007

the link to USA Bidet has videos showing how the thing works, its on a swivel, tucked up underneath the seat until your done plopping, then it swings down and WHOOSH!! there ya go.

Frankensteena (not verified) -- 07.27.2007

I lived in Europe for a couple of years and have tried bidets --- never got used to sensation of water pentrating the ol' bunghole.

Great comment! +1 point
poo_poo_poodio (121) -- 07.27.2007

It does swing out of the way, it hides there tucked up under the seat (not in the bowel at all but parked above the rim) until the bombing is over. Then it literally swings into action. As for wetness, one blot with your standard tp is all that's needed, the spray is precisely focused on a small target so it doesn't wash your whole ass , just your ass hole. Occasionally, it will get hit with some shrapnel during the process, you just clean it with the rest of to bowl. As far as using it for enimatic purposes, it's awesome. If you want to you can clean your whole lower colon with this thing. I realize that's not for everybody but I've found (this may be a little gross but hey it's pr.com) there is quite a bit of fecal matter left in the lower colon after your typical elimination. A good shot of water will not only lube the pipes before the drop but clean up the dregs afterward. It just has to be healthier to get those bits and grulies out of there. If you are one who gets skids while farting, this is THE solution, no more fecal matter, no more skids. Maybe I'm gushing but I truly love mine.

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

Randompoo (7) -- 07.27.2007

Hmm! I might just have to buy one of these gizmos. I have a bit of IBS in addition to the monthly aggravation of being female. This would be a much better solution than baby wipes.

poo_poo_poodio (121) -- 07.27.2007

I agree, the shower is as good but not nearly as convenient. Now you don't have to stop and shower -- just a quick wash and your done in just a couple of minutes. Not an issue when your getting ready in the morning, but a big time saver it you want to "drop one from the poopdeck" any other time of day. If you have the trots, you don't really want to shower 5 times in a day do you? It's the same sensation as a shower without the hassle.

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 07.27.2007

Hmmm it does seem like a lot of trouble. I prefer the "special washcloth" OR wet wipes myself. But hey as long as our butts are all clean and fresh then thats all that matters no matter what we wipe with.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

C Everett Poop (587) -- 07.27.2007

Anyone with skid marks in their shorts is a cretin and needs to learn some basic hygeine. I have never had a skid mark in my boxers and if I did, they would be retired with honor in the trash can.

Fudgepump (366) -- 07.28.2007

pooologist expressed my main concern with the whole process: what do you do with a dripping wet ass? I've never used a bidet, but it seems like the same result can be achieved with alternating dry/wet wipes.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 07.28.2007

CEP, I think I need to show my husband your comment about being a cretin if you have skidmarks. I have asked him over and over again if he wipes afterward and he just laughs. It is soo disgusting!

Rot Bottom (26) -- 07.29.2007

Wow. Skidmarks, from an adult man? That's some fucked up shit.
_______
the Pirate Master Rot Bottom.

Deja Poo (606) -- 07.30.2007

Well, sailor, since you've been all over the Mediterranean, I suppose that you would know about the anal hygiene issues of the men from Crete.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 07.30.2007

Deja Poo, when I read your opening of "Well, sailor", I got Mae West's voice saying, "Come up and see me sometime," stuck in my head.

Thanks. Thanks for that. "Hey, Sailor...!"

Artful Dodger (305) -- 07.30.2007

Mae West? All I got was Jerry Lewis in my head. Wanna trade?

TurdyTreeAnaTurd (100) -- 07.31.2007

See the movie "Skid Marks", coming soon on BVD.

poo_poo_poodio (121) -- 07.31.2007

We used to call skid marks "Sargent stripes".

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

Thunderbox (762) -- 07.31.2007

For all you folk who need to wash your assholes out but are cheapskates: put a tee on the cistern water pipe, add a short length of flexible chrome tube with a twist tap on the end.

Then just fire a jet up your ring when needed, and it won`t get covered in shit as it`s outside the bowl.

And only costs a few dollars.

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 07.31.2007

33-1/3! Long time no post! Glad to see you.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 11.06.2007

I LOVE my bidet. I have a shade of IBS as well. It is soooooo nice.
As for the the thing getting dirty, mine has a self cleaner. with a touch of a button, it is cleaned with fresh water. I also sanitize mine with a shot of vinegar.
As for your dripping wet hiney, you use toilet paper to dry. Mine does not have a blow dryer, but the next one will.
Mine is supposed to be a warm water but the sorry butt plumber hooked it up to cold water.
No worries, when the roids show up, it feels kind of soothing..........

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