Ever since I was a kid when I learned the power of wielding dog poo on a stick, I have had a fascination with this substance. I could take that poo stick and make the girls scream in terror as they ran away. In my preteen years, my juvenile delinquent neighbor taught me how to wrap poo in boxes, like a birthday present, and leave it for people to find. We never did get to see anyone open the box, but we were nonetheless overjoyed at the thought of it. This turd terrorism went to extremes when we started blowing up piles of dog doo along the jogging trail at our local park. We would try to time it so that the poo splattered on the jogger. More than once we used a bad fuse or too much firepower, and got spattered ourselves.

Once I gained interest in females, my poo antics subsided; but dog poo never ceased making me laugh. And as a dog owner, I want to learn more about dog poop. The issue of dog poop has come up a number of times on PoopReport -- I think the most thorough treatise on the subject was Daphne's excellent essay Pick Up That Poop.

I used to drive by a billboard that had a picture of a cute puppy on it. It was from the city, and it said, "PLEASE PICK UP MY POOP." It cracked me up every time I passed it. I still want to make a t-shirt that says that. I also often see a truck in my neighborhood painted with the phrase "No More Poo." No More Poo is a company that one pays to come to the house and pick up your dog's poop from your yard. The truck always makes me laugh; but I've always wondered about the business and its workers. I mean, what kind of people do that kind of work? I wonder if they have a sense of humor about it. I wonder if they smell like poo.

I finally decided to contact No More Poo and get the straight poop. The owner's name is Ellen, and she agreed to answer my questions herself.

What was the inspiration to start No More Poo?

I've stepped in one too many poop piles to understand how my clients feel when they step in it big time!! So, I thought I would start a company that takes the load off my customers -- get it… load!!! Heee

Are you personally a shameful pooper or a shameless pooper?

I am a shameless pooper -- you have to be in this business!

Does the poop truck get a lot of attention as you drive it around town?

Well, advertising is in its fledgling stages, but when I have a load in the back of the pick-up truck on a hot, non-windy day... ahhhhhh yes, just breathe in that goodness!!!

Do any of the poop scoopers who work for you have poop-related nicknames?

Poopster, Little Turd, Brown Toes, War Paint (I'll let you use your imagination with that one!) and Big Crapper -- that's me!

What are your feelings toward poop? Have you always had an interest in it?

Poop is nature's way of letting us know that we are getting rid of all the bad things from our day. Yes, poop has been my interest for years, and I always wanted to know how to turn poop into energy or fuel consumption.

Once the poop has been scooped, where does it go? Is there a tank on the truck? From the truck, where does it go? Is there a giant pooch poop graveyard?

We double-glove ourselves, put on the peppermint cream under the nose, and dig right into the piles in our clients' backyards. The poop goes in a self-contained plastic poop bag and is tied up. From the truck, it goes into the dumpsters. For those who are making their own compost piles, we kindly offer our poop to those who want us to leave it on their driveway… in bags, of course!

Do you freeze or plasticize the poop before it is scooped?

No freezing of the poop before it's scooped. We like to "feel" the poop between our gloved fingers. It makes us feel as if we are really into our jobs.

What are the dangers of being a poop scooper -- dirty shoes? Falling in the poop? Getting it on one's clothing?

The danger really is getting any poop in an open cut. That we don't fart around -- because it can lead to infection. Also getting it in your eyes. Not a good thing. But dirty shoes, kneeling in the poop, getting it all over your clothing, or having a client's dog poop on you in the middle of cleaning up the backyard are all dangers and rigors of the poop business we enjoy so much!

Do you wear HAZMAT suits?

That would be the bandanas around our noses, when we run out of laundry clips. Plastic suits get too hot in the summertime. It makes the poop just unbearable and slippery. We'd rather wear something our families can really appreciate cleaning and having us come home in.

Is there a trophy room at No More Poo headquarters?

Well, we compare the largest turds at the end of our day. So far, we've had a fourteen-inch turd that came from a Great Dane. An amazing sight to see, but we feared some unhealthy repercussions if we were to take it to a trophy place to have it bronzed.

Do you guys compete to see who can bring in the biggest individual poop log?

See answer to the last question. The answer is yes -- it is the highlight of our day.

What reactions have you or other poop scoopers gotten when telling people what your line of work is? (From spouses, dates, friends, or family.)

We usually try to tell people when they are eating a large bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, you know, to kind of symbolize our work product; and then we explain exactly what we do. I don't understand why people push their plates away after we tell them what we do. It's great conversation for a first date, too! Honestly!

I am picturing a pincer-type poop scooper as your main tool. What are the tools of the trade?

Our gloves, our hands, our noses, our keen sense of finding poop anywhere in our client's backyard, front yard, under rocks, in dog houses, and under porches. We pride ourselves in not using pincer-type poop scoopers -- they can damage very dainty poop and we don't want to hurt our turds!

What are some of the oddest/funniest requests/questions that you have had? Do you do poop on Sundays?

Why yes, we do, and we also poop on holidays, for an extra fee. Because pooping on the holidays is very special to us. We also poop in the morning, early afternoon, and early evening. It gives us a sense of pride to poop so much during our workday. We've been asked to clean poop out of doghouses, rubber tubes, to clean dog toys, and to generally make sure the walkways are poop-free.

Are there No More Poo uniforms or T-shirts that the field agents wear?

We wear No More Poo t-shirts -- all large and comfortable, featuring our poo dog as our mascot. That way we won't get shot by someone who sees us picking up turds in their yard unexpectedly. Our shirts are cream-color and our mascot is yellow and teal. He carries his own poop scooper, too.

I understand that you will watch the dog's poop for any sign of common diseases. How is this done? What are the signs?

Well, you sniff the poop, and once you are done with that, you take your gloved hands and run your fingers through the poop, breaking it up to see if there are any parasites or varmints in there. It's quite a lovely procedure to watch, actually. We take great pride in making sure our clients' doggies are disease-free.

Do you also clean up bull poop and chicken poop? If so, are you available during sessions of the state legislature?

Bull shit would require some hefty lifters, and we don't do that at this time. Chicken poop, well, we aren't chicken shits either. During sessions of the legislature, we stand outside the Capital building with our gloved hands and open bags. It seems security knows us well.

Do the No More Poo trucks have nicknames like "The Poopmobile"?

We like to call them Mighty Crap Haulers.

How much poop does an average dog produce in a week?

A dog can produce up to twenty pounds of poop a week, depending, of course, on their size. We have some clients whose dogs are so small we have to bring magnifying glasses to find their poop.

Is there a lot of poop humor around your household?

Shit, yeah! We at No More Poo have more crappy stories to tell than ANYONE in our business. We cannot wait until the end of the day when we can finally take our gloves off, have a cold one, and talk crap all night long!