Think I`ll stick to grade 8 sandpaper for my perineal cleansing needs.

Hey, maybe Mark E The Doo-gooder will start carrying this around with him for people in need, instead of dog shit.

Can it be used in a 3000 psi pressure washer?

Can you freeze it in an ice cube tray and jam the blocks of secura up your ass? It would be like a pre-emptive strike against dingleberries.

Can you use it to sanitize waterboarding?

Hi everyone! Dave asked: Does
it really cut through poop like 409 through grease? Yes. The dumb nurses walked me, with my old-lady walker, to the bathroom to apply it to myself, instead of applying it to me. BTW, there is also a another product by Secura which they gave me, a "Protective Ointment" with "Clove Oil to control odor". Thank goodness I never needed to use it! The whole experience was disgusting and I am lawyered up ;)

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Piece Out!
Crapola

Wow, that shit sounds usedful. It would eliminate the million wipers. Get four wipes in and say Lfuck it, I'll use my secura butt cleanser!" And go on about your day. I think I know what I'm buying my family for christmas 2009.

Protectve ointment with clove oil to control odor? Add a few pineapple slices and your ass will look and smell like a baked ham.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I dunno chief, I'm thinking the acid in the pineapples may be a little much. Especially if you have a raw butt from a bad case of the shits or too rough toilet paper.

yeah LJ I can see it now, him busting in on some old unsuspecting man who just shat himself. Excuse me sir could you use some paper, or how about some secura butt cleanser?! But be sure and thank me for lending a hand or I'll hunt you down and smear rotted dog feces on you.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

At least the nurses finally responded and were nice enough to walk you to the bathroom instead of coming in and responding with, "Hellooooo Poopie Pants!" Anyway, Amazon.com is offering this product used? I'd be afraid that someone's leftover shit particles were still on it!

Y'know I have been around hopspitals a little bit lately, and I have dealt with some of the nicest kindest, most compassionate nurses(especially in hospice), and some of the rudest assholes"excuse me you're interruptiing my bull session wiht the next shift." But what I want to know was did you feel clean after using or did you still feel like you wanted to shower? I hope your melon is better.

Ptui! Thanks Pnutty (spitting out the cantelope I was eating)

What? In my mind it was a Casaba melon.And....my grandpa called cantelope mushmelon. Mmmmmmmm. Mushmelon.

Whewee Crapola, way to truly take one for the team! I hope that you are fairly compensated for pothole surfing, too.

As to crappy nurses, I always wonder why patients don't make formal complaints to administration about them. One of the things that I truly appreciate about hospitals is the Patient Advocate (or whatever the office's title is). I've made a few complaints over the years and was thankful for opportunity to possibly prevent any extra asshollery from affecting the next guy.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Pnutty, my rump was clean after using the stuff. But I did want to shower too. I was so doped up, I could not stand well, so could not shower. Sadly, I used the Secura to sorta clean up the rest of me. Worst part is that my head was bleeding for 3 days until they stapled the wound. By that time they had to cut off a lot of my hair. It still looks horrible, months later. Lawyered up! :D

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Piece Out!
Crapola

Daphne, my husband Scat-O-Logical and I tried the Patient Advocate route, but listen to this - they insinuated that I did not fall - instead, he had beaten me! EMS reported that I fell. When I was home, the Patient Advocate mailed a customer satisfaction survey - Ha!

Anyway, I meant this Poop Report to be fun and something poopers might keep in their glove compartment, backpack, or office desk drawer - not a chronicle of my horrible hospital experience.

But PRs - they stuff does work. It's also funny to keep next to your bowl for the amusement of guests!

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Piece Out!
Crapola

I'm planning on ordering some as soon as they double the order and throw in a Vidalia Wizard.

What the heck is a Vidalia Wizard? An air freshening spray scented like a Vidalia onion?
I'll take the clove oil :)

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Piece Out!
Crapola

Puts all of our shared neuroses about poop into proper perspective, doesn't it? Life is good until you smack your head on a curb that you never saw coming. Glad you recovered, Crapola.

Thanks for the good wishes, Gaseous Glay aka Muhammad Alli (with its "treatment effects" aka sharts!)

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Piece Out!
Crapola

I hate to hear that your Patient Advocates suck, because I have no idea to whom you'd now complain. I'm sorry, Crapola. My best wishes to you, still, for a good outcome.

If you need anyone assaulted with a Vidalia Wizard, PM me. We Poopreporters should stick together.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Or you could do what most normal people do...don't poop in your pants. Seriously, are you guys all toddlers? I haven't pooped in my pants since I was 3-4 years old.

Hey, pooping your pants isn't something that you can always control. We're not just a bunch of jackasses who sit around, shit our pants just for shits and giggles, then write stories about. If I shit my pants, it's because of some unforeen reason that is out of my control. That's why if I eat, I make sure I'm within ten minutes of a decent restroom.

Just wait, BL. Judgmental mindsets backfire in the worst karmic ways.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Speak for yourself LBK. Some of us just pee in our pants for shits and giggles.

Amen Daphne! That's right, if you make fun of people who poop their pants at any given time in their adult life, you too will be reduced down to a grinning, braindead vegatable who has no choice but to poop into your pants. That's just a fact of the fairness of life and the universe.

I haven't pooped my pants or my pad in a week to 10 days! The colonoscopy I had last week revealed decreased haustrations and polyps in the rectum and colon. I'm still waiting for the biopsy results. My new doc is testing me for Hircshsprung's varient! That is a pediatric disease with no cure! I waiting for a Canadian drug called Motilium to come in the post in about 2 weeks. Crapola, nice story and I'm sorry you got so hurt.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

My conversation with my next door neighbor:
Her: "Oh how nice of you to get me a present and it's not even my birthday!"
Me: "Open it I can't wait to see the look on your face."
Her:"What the hell is this? Secura Butt Cleanser?!? What are you trying to say, my ass stinks?"
Me: "Bingo your ass stinks now go use that Secura bitch."

Which is why I'm not allowed to talk to the next door neighbor anymore and must stay 500 ft away at all times.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Hey, I wonder if I get some secura butt cleanser for the tight ass dickweed that lives underneath me and take it to him next time bangs on his ceiling/my floor everytime the dogs get rowdy, he'll stop talking to me and banging on my floor.

Mrs. MC, if she really needed the Secura then that 500 foot clearance is a blessing for you.

nah we live downwind
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Hi Daphne and everybody,

Daphne mentioned that "Judgmental mindsets backfire in the worst karmic ways."

Just read my 2006 Poop Report "Hurricane Adjuta" to see how true that is!

Thank goodness, I am feeling OK after the accident and the Secura incident.

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Piece Out!
Crapola

Sittingpretty wrote "The colonoscopy I had last week revealed decreased haustrations and polyps in the rectum and colon."
I misread it, and thought it said 'deceased haustrations'.
Even though I've got no idea what a haustration is, I thought she had dead things in her dungtubes.
My mistake...

ill just take a shower before ill by some shit to wash my fanny with, but im sure it comes in handy at hospitals.

I could sure use some of that when it comes to cleaning up after poopy diapers. My little guy can have some of the nastiest dookie that won't come off after a million wipes!

Crapola- I'm sorry you had to stumble upon this product in the most humiliating way. Glad you are feeling better.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

"No rinse, one-step personal cleanser for the perineum." (Your perineum is your butt.)

Wrong the perineum is the skin between your genitals and anus.

Otherwise known in the UK as the barse, biffin bridge, notcher (because it's not yer arse and not yer bollocks), taint, ploughman's, and a whole lot else besides. Or in the case of women, 'the chin rest'.

This stuff would be great for the bar! They should hand it out with every sixth beer in anticipation of your impending beer shits.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.