The Stenchinator: Stink's Got A New Enemy
We’ve all been there before. The bathroom may be the one in your work office, or it may be one in the apartment of a prospective paramour. It matters not. What matters is that you realize too late that there is no air freshener to be found.
You have just taken a horrendously nasty crap and the bathroom now stinks, eye-wateringly bad. There is no fan, no window, and the courtesy flush was ineffective. No perfume is in the medicine cabinet. No cleaning product is under the sink. Worse, someone knocks on the door, and starts to talk:
”Hey, did you fall in? Are you alright?” Or “Hurry up in there, I have to go.”
You are defeated; there is no way to avoid the inevitable. And so you open the door …
… and face the shame. As you exit the person in the hallway begins to walk in after you, but stops as he or she is assaulted with your shit exhaust. You cannot deny who is responsible for the fumes, a haze so strong that you imagine it has taken tangible shape and has begun to strangle the newcomer. Maybe you mutter “Sorry” or some other worthless apology. Or maybe in the realization that no, you will not be getting laid tonight, you grab your jacket and slip out the front door. As you slink away you are all too aware that you have just been beaten down by your own biological waste.
Normally our product reviews are based on retail items that are alternatives to toilet paper, but in this case some lovely soul decided to address what happens after we’ve cleaned up. In the following YouTube video, Stenchinator frontman Anthony Sarmiento shares that he was stuck in a situation similar to the one I described, and because of the experience he began to develop a product that is small, portable, and effective in fighting Stink. I think he and his managing editor, Gonzalo Sanchez II (Gonzo to his friends), have succeeded. They bring to the pooping world The Stenchinator.
(Editor’s note: I like his shirt.)
Over the past two weeks I have used the Stenchinator in a variety of situations, and I have been very pleased with the product in all ways. Using a one to five-turd ratings system, with five turds being the highest score possible, here is our official PoopReport breakdown:
Size – 4.5 out of 5 turds. The Stenchinator is small. It is very easily concealed in a pocket. The capped, pump-spray container is roughly one centimeter wide, and eight centimeters (three and one-quarter inches) long. That’s pretty small. Of all the products that we’ve been sent over the years, this is the smallest. I had not problem carrying it in shirt, shorts, and jeans pockets during my trial uses. Of course, with smaller size you encounter a higher price-per-ounce, and so we can hope a small refill bottle might be in the future for the Stenchinator. Right now the casing the product comes in, which holds two five-millimeter bottles, claims that there over 80 sprays in each bottle. I would say that this is an accurate estimate, so you should take extra with you if you will be traveling for a few weeks. One ill thought-out night of all-you-can-eat nachos and a hefty bar tab could cost you a third of a bottle the next day.
Packaging – 4 out of 5 turds. The Stenchinator is sturdy. I have reviewed products with very good packaging (Prean), good packaging (MB3), and not-so-good packaging (Puro). (To be honest, I hold all packaging up to the Prean Test, because that stuff could not have been better designed.) The Stenchinator earns some respect in the packaging department. I would rank this in between good and great. The bottle is very strong, and the little spray mechanism has held up very, very well. The only issue that keeps the Stenchinator’s packaging from earning top honors is that the cute little cap is only held on by a marginal narrowing and then widening of the main product, right below the spray mechanism. The cap can be pulled off with minimal effort, and we all know what that means: You can drop it. I wholeheartedly suggest being careful with the cute little cap, because little round things like to roll, and in a public bathroom—with a dirty floor—the Yuck factor is considerable.
Scent – 5 out of 5 turds. The Stenchinator smells good. I do not know what makes this spray smell good, but boy does it. The ingredients listed on the back of the package are “SD Alcohol 39-C, Fragrance, Water.” Well, “Fragrance” smells very clean and fresh. Woodsy, too. Best of all, the scent does not seem out of place anywhere. I have sprayed this in a grocery store, doctor’s office, orthodontist’s office, and in line at Wal-Mart. Everywhere I have sprayed it someone has noticed, but no one has said, “What the hell is that?” Nice touch, Stenchinator people. You found a traditional scent that so far, with my experience, has not irritated anyone.
Gonzo also told me in an email that the team is looking to develop more scents, which is always nice. People have different tastes. If the upcoming fragrances are anything like the original fresh scent I will be happy to try them as well.
Performance – 5 out of 5 turds … can we give it 6? Best of all, the Stenchinator works. Oh, how it kills the Stench! As is the case with most girls, I usually poop pink powder puffs and unicorn dust. Every once in a while, however, I take a nasty crap, such as when I have to test a PoopReport product. This past week I made a point to poop real poop several times, in public facilities, no less. Facilities that were crowded. I even dumped a few times without using the Courtesy Flush (of which I am very fond) to determine the efficacy of the Stenchinator’s claim to eliminate all odors. What I found is that this product works very well. The instructions are to use three pumps per “unpleasant odor.” I broke down those three pumps in a variety of ways. I sprayed all three of them right when I pooped. I also sprayed two at first and then one afterward. Finally I sprayed one when I began to poop, one in the middle, and one at the end. For some reason this stuff is the Ibuprofen of smell-good, for when I graduated the pumps instead of using them all at once I found the product was most effective. The Stenchinator covered up some pretty smelly dook, and it did so wonderfully.
There are also no ends to its use, because a great many things in our life smell. For example, if you are one of the people who reads PoopReport because you have smelly ass, you would find this product effective on your office chair or cloth furniture at home. Or if you cut a horrendous fart right as your date is about to open the car door, you can avoid the embarrassment of being caught in your own personal hot box.
When I think of someone who could have used this product, I remember a woman who visited our house when I was a young adult and still living at home. For some reason or another, she came to the house in the evening and was showing some book to my mother and father. Maybe she was showing them carpet choices. I do remember. Anyhoo, she took off her shoes, walked into the living room, began to talk with my parents, and foot odor filled the entire room. No joke. After she left my mom said, “Holy Hell, Tom, I think that was her feet.” Had she been lucky enough to have the Stenchinator, I believe she could have sprayed the insides of her shoes and her feet quickly. While I am not sure if even this wonder product would have killed all her foot stink, I know the stench would have been greatly lessened.
Cost—4.5 out of 5 turds. At this point the Stenchinator two-pack can be ordered in bulk from interested retailers in what appears to be multiple-unit cases directly from the website, and the price I see on a picture on the Stenchinator Facebook page shows a price of $4.99. I would pay $4.99 for more of this stuff, and I think you would, too, once you tried it.
Restrictions – 4 out of 5 turds, with an included 0.5 turd increase because of good package warning.. The Stenchinator must be used with common sense and care. I like to think of our audience as a competent bunch, but I never know who is visiting. If you are the type of person who does not read the instructions on your frozen dinners and they sometimes explode all over the inside of your microwave, I do not recommend this product for you. Because this product contains alcohol and an unnamed fragrance, it cannot be sprayed directly onto plastic, vinyl, varnish, painted surfaces, or leather; the oils associated with many fragrances can erode the finish on many man-made and natural surfaces. Nor should you spray it directly onto yourself, your dog, your cat, your kids, or into the eyes or mucus membranes of any of these entities, because alcohol is not good for your eyes, obviously.
There is a warning not to spray it on one’s skin, but I suspect this is because some people suffer from allergies. Curious, I sprayed some directly on my arm to see if anything would happen. I had a super smelling arm for the rest of the day, and I experienced a slight irritation on the contact surface. No big deal. Of course, the entire idea of the Stenchinator is to spray it a bit above you or in front of you, and so by the time the droplets have begun to fall they are quite small. If you are not an idiot you should be able to use this product without causing a forest fire.
To summarize, the Stenchinator is small, sturdy, and is worth the price for its performance, and you must be smart about where you spray it. I am genuinely impressed with the power of this stuff, and I do recommend that you should buy some if you have a problem with embarrassing poop (or other) odors. Happily, two brown—and fragrant—thumbs up!
(If you are a retailer interested in purchasing the Stenchinator for register or aisle display, contact Anthony or Gonzo at firstname.lastname@example.org.)