The Perils Of Pluto Water

// // 73 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Before you jump to the conclusion that Pluto Water is either dog pee or a libation bottled on what used to be the outermost planet of our solar system, let me quickly explain that in the early part of the 20th century, this caca-inducing cocktail was America's laxative of choice. Its tagline was ingenious: "When Nature Won't, Pluto Will." The laxative's popularity continued well into the thirties and forties, which is around the time when my father entered college -- the same college, incidentally, I attended more than a generation later.

My father pledged a fraternity his freshman year, and it was during his initiation when he had his first encounter with Pluto Water. His run-in with Pluto Water was one of many tales he told me a couple of weeks before I matriculated; and because of what my father endured in the spirit of "brotherhood", I was turned off of the entire Greek universe of manic mayhem -- I did not follow in his footsteps and refused to join a fraternity.

My father and his fellow pledges were blindfolded and driven to a remote area far away from campus. Still blindfolded, they were each forced to guzzle a bottle of Pluto Water. Then their blindfolds were finally removed, at which point they were told to find their way on foot back to campus. The active brothers drove away, leaving the pledges to fend for themselves with their systems ticking away like turd time bombs.

Pluto Water takes up to an hour to reach internal gusher status, so my father said it wasn't too bad at first. They were actually able to concentrate, like Hansel and Gretel, on finding their way out of the woods. But eventually the fraternity brother bowel movement came a-knockin' on their back doors, and the results were that my father and his buddies pretty much had to rip down their pants simultaneously and assume the squatting position, spraying their dis-stink-tive signatures in the midst of nature's splendor.

My father said that he remembers it as a rather violent experience all around, with a sudden rush of guts that were probably accompanied by sound effects worthy of today's cheesiest scatological teen movies. Worse still, they had nothing to wipe with except leaves. Maybe some of them even befouled their underwear when they had to get down to the nitty-gritty; but all of them, he said, were walking funny all the way back to campus, bow-legged as cowboys. It took them a good three hours to find their way. Once they returned, of course, the first thing they all did was hit the showers and try to put all the forced bowel bonding out of their minds.

This sort of hazing ritual isn't safe -- imagine if anyone had developed complications from the Pluto Water. Learning how to shit in the woods may or may not be a valuable skill; but if at all possible, I think I would prefer to decide where and when I lose control of my bowels.

(Click the above images for bigger, more readable versions.)

73 Comments on "The Perils Of Pluto Water"

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Wow I never realized that regularity made me grouchy. I always thought it was being hungry. OMG and also child beating!! I never thought that some of those spankings mom dished out were because she was a little clogged. Cripes! Sounds like this water had really nasty side effects. I think its deplorable that they used this to intiate men into a fraternity. I cant believe your dad and his pledges didnt turn to turd terrorism. Im tellin ya if I knew that was the cause of me taking so many dumps. I definitely would have "saved one up" for these frat guys. I would have sprayed their front porch, perhaps a massive crap bomb dropped in the drivers seat of one of their cars. That would teach em!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Fascinating stuff, Wiper. I think there was a huge turn-of-the-century movement centered on the bowels, and proper function thereof, as THE key to overall health. If I'm not mistaken, that's how the venerable Kellogg company got it's start. There's a film about the subject with Matthew Broderick and Anthony Hopkins - "The Road to Wellville" or something like that, showing obsessive attention to bowel function around that time.
As far as the whole "Greek" experience at colleges: I see a couple of closely related ideas at work there. The "elitist" mindset (becoming "other" and thus "better", than...) combined with the loneliness and separation anxiety that comes with what is, for many, the big move out of the "nest" for the first time.
I love those ads for Pluto water.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Pluto - gawd of the Underworld and, apparently, of the nether regions as well.

Tired? Restless? Irritable? You're full of shit. Literally. Make a run for the underworld!

I prefer my Taco Bell and Dried Fruit therapies much better. Nothing unplugs the keister better than 3 Supreme Tacos followed by 1/2 pound of TJ's Dried Apples.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

TBW, I knew you were waiting for JUST the right artwork for the new bathroom... glad you found it! ;-)

I had to squint to read the "Mama Slapped Me!" one; I thought the poor baby got slapped because HE didn't poop! I was glad to know that, "gee, it was only because his MOTHER couldn't poop that she resorted to violence".

Good report, Wipe-ster!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

The only time I have ever heard of Pluto Water is on the old "Sanford and Son" reruns....Fred used it.

I guess if you have to haze enducing the shits was safer that forcing a kid to chug a liter of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

doniker (1365) -- 08.24.2007 -- "... enducing the shits was safer that forcing a kid to chug a liter of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes."

Careful there, doniker. That's how I met GottaMan! ;-)

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

I noticed it was bottled at FRENCH LICK SPRINGS in Indiana. Too funny.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Congrats GGG on #2500. I always thought French Lick Indiana was famous for High School Basketball hence the film Hoosiers BUTT I guess I was wrong its also famous for a dump producing liquid. I stand corrected!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Raggedmama's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Well, I learned as a child that there was a link between constipation and "nerves" and/or aberrant behavior - in our family we were given suppositories/soap sticks/enemas if mom and dad discerned, in this way, that we were full of doo.
My instinkt is to say that I'd rather have had the pluto water, but then again - what were the ingredients? If it realy took only an hour to reach "gusher status", does that mean it tied your bowels up in painful knots?

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Sorry to have missed that GGG. Yes, Congrats to making the 2500 mark!!!!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Damn, G3 - 2500? Congratulations! I thought it was a big deal when I broke 200 this week...yeah, right.

Phoenyxx's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Shouldn't it have been named "Uranus Water", in keeping with the planetary name theme *and* in light of what it actually does?

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Bottled at French Lick Springs, Indiana, hometown of one Mr. Larry Bird. Maybe if he took his team out into the woods and gave them some Pluto Water, the Pacers would straighten up and start playing decent basketball again.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

This is a one-hundred and eighty degree turn from the Victorian era, when no one shat. Not a soul. Ever.

Nice report, Wiper.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I found the Pluto Water ads fascinating when I went surfing for more info and background. daph is right. New century and pooping began to turtlehead out of the closet after so much denial and fastidiousness.

Perhaps PR owes a debt of gratitude to the pioneering advertising and marketing people of Pluto Water.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

A tip for reading the Pluto ads, G3: do a right click on the ad and open it in a new window. It opens with a larger repro of the ad that you don't need a microscope to read.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S. - that new window opens the site where Wiper found the ads: it"s called "gono.com" and the ads TBW posted appear to be a part of a whole gallery of advertising art that they have on site. I haven't browsed it, but it looks like it might be a real trove of ad images and (what else??).

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Each one of those ads is like its own little psycho-drama. It's already been pointed out that the 'Mama Slapped Me' outing smacks a bit of child abuse. But they all get your attention, talking about a subject that was surely out-of-bounds publicly the previous century.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points

Big Wiper, I don't know why I'm telling you this but I was born in Huntsville.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Frank, I don't know why I'm telling YOU this, but I like guacamole.

(*skips away, just out of reach of the swipe*)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

GGG, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I enjoy jumping in on other people's jokes.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Daphne, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I'm right handed.

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Fudge, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I like to sing in the shower.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Artful, I know why I'm telling you this. I love P/R commentaries!!


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

...I swallowed a fly: perhaps I'll die?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Non sequitur, anyone?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Swallow a fly? Not likely to die. Guzzle some Pluto? You'll farto and pooto!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Not exactly a non sequitur, G3. More like an (apparently too) oblique reference to an old kid's rhyme about:
"...an old man who swallowed a fly...
*here's the connection to the thread...*
I DON'T KNOW WHY he swallowed a fly...
perhaps he'll die?"
Does anyone else remember the rhyme I'm referring to?

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S.: Wiper...nice little verse. Did YOU get my reference? Also, if you could; I'd appreciate your literary criticism of my (as Hammy put it) "virginal" excursion into the pooetry world (on "Of Fecally Fearful").

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Ohhhhh! I totally get it, now! I was a little obtuse yesterday.

Yes, yes. I have a preschooler; we know EVERY verse.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

RC13, I don't know why I am telling you this butt I add witch hazel to my bumwett wipes. I liked this thread and wanted to bring it back folks!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Damn, Simone - Witch Hazel? You like to live on the edge, no? I mean, it'd leave a wonderful scent behind but sometimes the old brown eye burns just from what's passing thru it, much less the burn from ol' Hazel.
PS...sorry if I broke the thread - that WAS fun.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

Reading this comment thread was like watching the Mr. Peabody & Sherman part of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

What's worse? this stuff or castor oil?
GAG! Castor oil.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Fudgey,I do live on the edge sometimes. They use it in Prep-H pads so I came up with my own version. I would give the reason BUTT do not want the post deleated.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Queen Mary: I used to watch Mr. Peabody & Sherman on Rocky & Bullwinkle as a kid and loved the perversity of the dialogue as well as the edgy humor. It was quite clever--an adult show in the guise of a kiddie cartoon.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Miss Simone, I hope that Witch Hazel doesn't get angry and turn you into a frog!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

RC13, Hee hee.... you silly Robo. I try to keep her entertained so she doesn't get angry.
I just had a thought...Folks remember "Kitchen Witches"? Well seems I have an "Ass-Witch".
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

I thought an "ass-witch" was a popular snack treat on Fire Island???
*do you want mayo or mustard with that, stud?*

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S. - doniker (or Sam, or others), PLEASE don't "jump" me for a crass, intolerant and insulting comment here, my man. Just having a little fun with our "differently oriented" but equally loved and respected fellow citizens.
P.P.S. - where HAS Sam been lately....?

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Can I send an ED-209 (Excremental Droid) after Fudgepump? Please???
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Bring it on, RC. My defense grid is activated...ED -209's have been shown to be vulnerable to Phase-Burst Compression pulses in the THz range, anyway. Is the 209 the BEST you've got?

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

After I load him with the "Shit Soup" from 'Analomous Coward', a big pile of B.K Onion Rings, and some Ham and Beans on Johnny Cake ... Yes!
Break out the gasmasks and tremble in fear.


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

You have NOTHING that would inspire fear in me, RC...*french accent* - "I FART in your general direction: your mother smelt of elderberries". (Python fans?? Ring a bell?)
Don't make me break out My Zero Point Field quantum entangler....

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Are you boys SURE you want to mess around with a robot named "E.D.?"

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Fudgey, I get the MP ref. Very funny.
GGG, I spit my pink lemonade at the keyboard. Way too fuuny!!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Fudge, there are ladies on the battlefield... Truce, mate?

And if GGG and MSS want to play with ED-209, I'll put the blue pills in his soup. ;)


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Truce it is, lad. Nice pre-war posturing on both sides, I must admit. I was gonna use some metaphor about "flexing muscles", but I didn't want to give G3 TOO sweet a "set-up". Sorry, G3...

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

(*eyes go huge, jaw drops, eyelashes bat innocently*)

I'm sure I don't know WHAT you're talking about!

(*looks casually about for glimpses of rumored "flexing"*)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

You sweet innocent DARLING, you...

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.