The Perils Of Pluto Water

// // 73 Comments
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Before you jump to the conclusion that Pluto Water is either dog pee or a libation bottled on what used to be the outermost planet of our solar system, let me quickly explain that in the early part of the 20th century, this caca-inducing cocktail was America's laxative of choice. Its tagline was ingenious: "When Nature Won't, Pluto Will." The laxative's popularity continued well into the thirties and forties, which is around the time when my father entered college -- the same college, incidentally, I attended more than a generation later.

My father pledged a fraternity his freshman year, and it was during his initiation when he had his first encounter with Pluto Water. His run-in with Pluto Water was one of many tales he told me a couple of weeks before I matriculated; and because of what my father endured in the spirit of "brotherhood", I was turned off of the entire Greek universe of manic mayhem -- I did not follow in his footsteps and refused to join a fraternity.

My father and his fellow pledges were blindfolded and driven to a remote area far away from campus. Still blindfolded, they were each forced to guzzle a bottle of Pluto Water. Then their blindfolds were finally removed, at which point they were told to find their way on foot back to campus. The active brothers drove away, leaving the pledges to fend for themselves with their systems ticking away like turd time bombs.

Pluto Water takes up to an hour to reach internal gusher status, so my father said it wasn't too bad at first. They were actually able to concentrate, like Hansel and Gretel, on finding their way out of the woods. But eventually the fraternity brother bowel movement came a-knockin' on their back doors, and the results were that my father and his buddies pretty much had to rip down their pants simultaneously and assume the squatting position, spraying their dis-stink-tive signatures in the midst of nature's splendor.

My father said that he remembers it as a rather violent experience all around, with a sudden rush of guts that were probably accompanied by sound effects worthy of today's cheesiest scatological teen movies. Worse still, they had nothing to wipe with except leaves. Maybe some of them even befouled their underwear when they had to get down to the nitty-gritty; but all of them, he said, were walking funny all the way back to campus, bow-legged as cowboys. It took them a good three hours to find their way. Once they returned, of course, the first thing they all did was hit the showers and try to put all the forced bowel bonding out of their minds.

This sort of hazing ritual isn't safe -- imagine if anyone had developed complications from the Pluto Water. Learning how to shit in the woods may or may not be a valuable skill; but if at all possible, I think I would prefer to decide where and when I lose control of my bowels.

(Click the above images for bigger, more readable versions.)

73 Comments on "The Perils Of Pluto Water"

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
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Wow I never realized that regularity made me grouchy. I always thought it was being hungry. OMG and also child beating!! I never thought that some of those spankings mom dished out were because she was a little clogged. Cripes! Sounds like this water had really nasty side effects. I think its deplorable that they used this to intiate men into a fraternity. I cant believe your dad and his pledges didnt turn to turd terrorism. Im tellin ya if I knew that was the cause of me taking so many dumps. I definitely would have "saved one up" for these frat guys. I would have sprayed their front porch, perhaps a massive crap bomb dropped in the drivers seat of one of their cars. That would teach em!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Fudgepump's picture
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Fascinating stuff, Wiper. I think there was a huge turn-of-the-century movement centered on the bowels, and proper function thereof, as THE key to overall health. If I'm not mistaken, that's how the venerable Kellogg company got it's start. There's a film about the subject with Matthew Broderick and Anthony Hopkins - "The Road to Wellville" or something like that, showing obsessive attention to bowel function around that time.
As far as the whole "Greek" experience at colleges: I see a couple of closely related ideas at work there. The "elitist" mindset (becoming "other" and thus "better", than...) combined with the loneliness and separation anxiety that comes with what is, for many, the big move out of the "nest" for the first time.
I love those ads for Pluto water.

Deja Poo's picture
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Pluto - gawd of the Underworld and, apparently, of the nether regions as well.

Tired? Restless? Irritable? You're full of shit. Literally. Make a run for the underworld!

I prefer my Taco Bell and Dried Fruit therapies much better. Nothing unplugs the keister better than 3 Supreme Tacos followed by 1/2 pound of TJ's Dried Apples.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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TBW, I knew you were waiting for JUST the right artwork for the new bathroom... glad you found it! ;-)

I had to squint to read the "Mama Slapped Me!" one; I thought the poor baby got slapped because HE didn't poop! I was glad to know that, "gee, it was only because his MOTHER couldn't poop that she resorted to violence".

Good report, Wipe-ster!

doniker's picture
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The only time I have ever heard of Pluto Water is on the old "Sanford and Son" reruns....Fred used it.

I guess if you have to haze enducing the shits was safer that forcing a kid to chug a liter of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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doniker (1365) -- 08.24.2007 -- "... enducing the shits was safer that forcing a kid to chug a liter of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes."

Careful there, doniker. That's how I met GottaMan! ;-)

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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I noticed it was bottled at FRENCH LICK SPRINGS in Indiana. Too funny.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
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Congrats GGG on #2500. I always thought French Lick Indiana was famous for High School Basketball hence the film Hoosiers BUTT I guess I was wrong its also famous for a dump producing liquid. I stand corrected!
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Raggedmama's picture
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Well, I learned as a child that there was a link between constipation and "nerves" and/or aberrant behavior - in our family we were given suppositories/soap sticks/enemas if mom and dad discerned, in this way, that we were full of doo.
My instinkt is to say that I'd rather have had the pluto water, but then again - what were the ingredients? If it realy took only an hour to reach "gusher status", does that mean it tied your bowels up in painful knots?

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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Sorry to have missed that GGG. Yes, Congrats to making the 2500 mark!!!!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
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Damn, G3 - 2500? Congratulations! I thought it was a big deal when I broke 200 this week...yeah, right.

Phoenyxx's picture
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Shouldn't it have been named "Uranus Water", in keeping with the planetary name theme *and* in light of what it actually does?

Artful Dodger's picture
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Bottled at French Lick Springs, Indiana, hometown of one Mr. Larry Bird. Maybe if he took his team out into the woods and gave them some Pluto Water, the Pacers would straighten up and start playing decent basketball again.

daphne's picture
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This is a one-hundred and eighty degree turn from the Victorian era, when no one shat. Not a soul. Ever.

Nice report, Wiper.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Big Wiper's picture
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I found the Pluto Water ads fascinating when I went surfing for more info and background. daph is right. New century and pooping began to turtlehead out of the closet after so much denial and fastidiousness.

Perhaps PR owes a debt of gratitude to the pioneering advertising and marketing people of Pluto Water.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fudgepump's picture
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A tip for reading the Pluto ads, G3: do a right click on the ad and open it in a new window. It opens with a larger repro of the ad that you don't need a microscope to read.

Fudgepump's picture
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P.S. - that new window opens the site where Wiper found the ads: it"s called "gono.com" and the ads TBW posted appear to be a part of a whole gallery of advertising art that they have on site. I haven't browsed it, but it looks like it might be a real trove of ad images and (what else??).

The Big Wiper's picture
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Each one of those ads is like its own little psycho-drama. It's already been pointed out that the 'Mama Slapped Me' outing smacks a bit of child abuse. But they all get your attention, talking about a subject that was surely out-of-bounds publicly the previous century.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Frank2401's picture
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Big Wiper, I don't know why I'm telling you this but I was born in Huntsville.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Frank, I don't know why I'm telling YOU this, but I like guacamole.

(*skips away, just out of reach of the swipe*)

daphne's picture
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GGG, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I enjoy jumping in on other people's jokes.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fudgepump's picture
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Daphne, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I'm right handed.

Artful Dodger's picture
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Fudge, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I like to sing in the shower.

RoboCrap13's picture
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Artful, I know why I'm telling you this. I love P/R commentaries!!


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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
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...I swallowed a fly: perhaps I'll die?

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Non sequitur, anyone?

The Big Wiper's picture
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Swallow a fly? Not likely to die. Guzzle some Pluto? You'll farto and pooto!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fudgepump's picture
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Not exactly a non sequitur, G3. More like an (apparently too) oblique reference to an old kid's rhyme about:
"...an old man who swallowed a fly...
*here's the connection to the thread...*
I DON'T KNOW WHY he swallowed a fly...
perhaps he'll die?"
Does anyone else remember the rhyme I'm referring to?

Fudgepump's picture
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P.S.: Wiper...nice little verse. Did YOU get my reference? Also, if you could; I'd appreciate your literary criticism of my (as Hammy put it) "virginal" excursion into the pooetry world (on "Of Fecally Fearful").

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Ohhhhh! I totally get it, now! I was a little obtuse yesterday.

Yes, yes. I have a preschooler; we know EVERY verse.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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RC13, I don't know why I am telling you this butt I add witch hazel to my bumwett wipes. I liked this thread and wanted to bring it back folks!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
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Damn, Simone - Witch Hazel? You like to live on the edge, no? I mean, it'd leave a wonderful scent behind but sometimes the old brown eye burns just from what's passing thru it, much less the burn from ol' Hazel.
PS...sorry if I broke the thread - that WAS fun.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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Reading this comment thread was like watching the Mr. Peabody & Sherman part of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

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No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

pnuttycorn's picture
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What's worse? this stuff or castor oil?
GAG! Castor oil.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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Fudgey,I do live on the edge sometimes. They use it in Prep-H pads so I came up with my own version. I would give the reason BUTT do not want the post deleated.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Big Wiper's picture
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Queen Mary: I used to watch Mr. Peabody & Sherman on Rocky & Bullwinkle as a kid and loved the perversity of the dialogue as well as the edgy humor. It was quite clever--an adult show in the guise of a kiddie cartoon.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

RoboCrap13's picture
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Miss Simone, I hope that Witch Hazel doesn't get angry and turn you into a frog!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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RC13, Hee hee.... you silly Robo. I try to keep her entertained so she doesn't get angry.
I just had a thought...Folks remember "Kitchen Witches"? Well seems I have an "Ass-Witch".
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump's picture
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I thought an "ass-witch" was a popular snack treat on Fire Island???
*do you want mayo or mustard with that, stud?*

Fudgepump's picture
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P.S. - doniker (or Sam, or others), PLEASE don't "jump" me for a crass, intolerant and insulting comment here, my man. Just having a little fun with our "differently oriented" but equally loved and respected fellow citizens.
P.P.S. - where HAS Sam been lately....?

RoboCrap13's picture
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Can I send an ED-209 (Excremental Droid) after Fudgepump? Please???
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
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Bring it on, RC. My defense grid is activated...ED -209's have been shown to be vulnerable to Phase-Burst Compression pulses in the THz range, anyway. Is the 209 the BEST you've got?

RoboCrap13's picture
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After I load him with the "Shit Soup" from 'Analomous Coward', a big pile of B.K Onion Rings, and some Ham and Beans on Johnny Cake ... Yes!
Break out the gasmasks and tremble in fear.


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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
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You have NOTHING that would inspire fear in me, RC...*french accent* - "I FART in your general direction: your mother smelt of elderberries". (Python fans?? Ring a bell?)
Don't make me break out My Zero Point Field quantum entangler....

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Are you boys SURE you want to mess around with a robot named "E.D.?"

Miss Simone Scat's picture
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Fudgey, I get the MP ref. Very funny.
GGG, I spit my pink lemonade at the keyboard. Way too fuuny!!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

RoboCrap13's picture
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Fudge, there are ladies on the battlefield... Truce, mate?

And if GGG and MSS want to play with ED-209, I'll put the blue pills in his soup. ;)


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
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Truce it is, lad. Nice pre-war posturing on both sides, I must admit. I was gonna use some metaphor about "flexing muscles", but I didn't want to give G3 TOO sweet a "set-up". Sorry, G3...

GottaGoGirl's picture
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(*eyes go huge, jaw drops, eyelashes bat innocently*)

I'm sure I don't know WHAT you're talking about!

(*looks casually about for glimpses of rumored "flexing"*)

Fudgepump's picture
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You sweet innocent DARLING, you...

Fudgepump's picture
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P.S. - if you INSIST on batting those eyelashes of yours, young lady, I fear that Dumpster and I may have to throw down at some point. (did I use that idiom properly?)

RoboCrap13's picture
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The only 'muscle flexing' around here is trying to work the plunger!!!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Fudgepump (273) -- 09.01.2007 wrote: "
P.S. - if you INSIST on batting those eyelashes of yours, young lady, I fear that Dumpster and I may have to throw down at some point...
"

(*winces, biting lower lip*)

Damn, but I AM going to be in trouble when Dumpie gets back! I'll have to hope he lets me make it up to him! :)

Dry-Wipe's picture
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wow, this thread has wandered a bit, hasnt it?
GGG great call on the E.D., that would definalty be a robot with self esteem issues...

anyways, good report wiper, thanx for letting me know that the reason i got whupped so much as a child was that mom was constipated. if i had known i would have swapped out her cocoa puffs for some whole grain total 20 years ago and saved myself some drama.

after reading those pluto ads i vote for including constipation in the 'axis of evil' as it seems to be the cause of all of our problems. well, i dont have those problems, not with my beer and taco bell diet but im sure it could help the rest of u lovely folks...


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oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

healthy 1's picture
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Nice story.

I can almost guarantee that one of the ingredients to Pluto Water was Magnesium Cirtate (and probably some other gut wrenching substances).

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

The Shit Volcano's picture
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TBW and GGG brought up the fact that in the Victorian era no one pooped. This may be why they needed the bowel obsession at the turn of the century in the first place. Colon impaction is a pain in the ass to treat!

_______
What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Frank2401's picture
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I KNOW why I'm telling all of YOU this. I don't like to be disparaged. Great pleasure to "log out" this time.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Oh, for cryin' out the window, Frank. You were being neither disparaged nor taunted, but teased, good naturedly, I might add.

It's like when the new guy on the team gets his house toilet papered. It's an initiation rite.

C'mon, Frank. Work with us, here. You were just being joshed. We love you, Frank!

JamieTeal's picture
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluto_Water

It could have been magnesium sulfate (epsom salt), too. I use that as a laxative on occasion. Tastes terrible, but it's cheap.

Why did the Pluto Water go out of fashion? Did they discover something dangerous about it, or did the spring run dry?

The Big Wiper's picture
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Other alternatives became available. Today, people associate Ex-Lax with laxatives but not Pluto Water. There are lots of products that thrived around the turn of the century that no longer prosper. 'Smith's Brothers' Cough Drops,' for instance.


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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I worked for a drug store back in the 1950s that still had a bottle or two of Pluto Water on the shelf. The store itself was so old it was called an apothecary.

I came from a family that was to poor to purchase laxatives. When I was constipated my mother would have my two older sisters
beat the shit out of me.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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As pledges in my fraternity at the University of Alabama in 1963, we were told to buy a bottle of Pluto Water, along with a box of asphidity. No one had any idea what these were, but upon reading the labels we got the general idea. Fortunately, it was for psychological purposes and none were ingested.

Bird Fan's picture
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Check out the book, Louis Armstrong, in His Own Words (1999) for lots of interesting comments on the topic. His mother was a believer in physics, including the merits of Pluto Water. "Mary-Ann--my mother told me when I was very young, She said--"Son--Always keep your bowels open, and nothing can harm you"...And she never said truer words than those.... (p.114) He also occasionally signed his letters, "Am Pluto Waterly Yours,"

In fact, I found this site looking up Pluto Waters!

Blind Mullet's picture
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I never knew Louie Armstrong's real name was Mary-Ann.
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Yes BM....Poop Report is a very educational site, I bet you also didn't know that the piss of Mickey Mouse's dog could be used as a laxative.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiliKahKah's picture
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I think they do this at Yale in the Skull and Bowels Club.

prarie doggin's picture
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You are never too old to learn something new there BM. Did you also know that Mary Anns nickname was Snatchmo?

Blind Mullet's picture
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"Snatchmo"!!!!
Thats a winner!
Chief- If Pluto water is good, imagine the benefits of Goofy Water!

_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Blueandroid's picture
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I heard a radio bit about the Pluto Water and looked on line to see what it was all about. I wish I could find the actual ingredients. but in the mean time, if I need a real fast fix, I just chug down a jug of apple juice with in an hour or less. usually I drink it up with-in 30 min. be cause of all the sugar at once being put into my system, I get a purging from 1 to 2 hours. Now I don't think this will work well every other day, but once a month and non-frequent casual drinking of a glass of AJ, you should be able to get results.

Anonymous's picture
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The first time I heard about Pluto Water was on that television show 'Sanford and Son' This was back in the early 70's and I never knew what it was, but for some reason I never forgot it. Today I was looking through youtube and found some Sanford and Son vids and thought about Pluto Water, googled it and here I am.