The Perils Of Pluto Water

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Before you jump to the conclusion that Pluto Water is either dog pee or a libation bottled on what used to be the outermost planet of our solar system, let me quickly explain that in the early part of the 20th century, this caca-inducing cocktail was America's laxative of choice. Its tagline was ingenious: "When Nature Won't, Pluto Will." The laxative's popularity continued well into the thirties and forties, which is around the time when my father entered college -- the same college, incidentally, I attended more than a generation later.

My father pledged a fraternity his freshman year, and it was during his initiation when he had his first encounter with Pluto Water. His run-in with Pluto Water was one of many tales he told me a couple of weeks before I matriculated; and because of what my father endured in the spirit of "brotherhood", I was turned off of the entire Greek universe of manic mayhem -- I did not follow in his footsteps and refused to join a fraternity.

My father and his fellow pledges were blindfolded and driven to a remote area far away from campus. Still blindfolded, they were each forced to guzzle a bottle of Pluto Water. Then their blindfolds were finally removed, at which point they were told to find their way on foot back to campus. The active brothers drove away, leaving the pledges to fend for themselves with their systems ticking away like turd time bombs.

Pluto Water takes up to an hour to reach internal gusher status, so my father said it wasn't too bad at first. They were actually able to concentrate, like Hansel and Gretel, on finding their way out of the woods. But eventually the fraternity brother bowel movement came a-knockin' on their back doors, and the results were that my father and his buddies pretty much had to rip down their pants simultaneously and assume the squatting position, spraying their dis-stink-tive signatures in the midst of nature's splendor.

My father said that he remembers it as a rather violent experience all around, with a sudden rush of guts that were probably accompanied by sound effects worthy of today's cheesiest scatological teen movies. Worse still, they had nothing to wipe with except leaves. Maybe some of them even befouled their underwear when they had to get down to the nitty-gritty; but all of them, he said, were walking funny all the way back to campus, bow-legged as cowboys. It took them a good three hours to find their way. Once they returned, of course, the first thing they all did was hit the showers and try to put all the forced bowel bonding out of their minds.

This sort of hazing ritual isn't safe -- imagine if anyone had developed complications from the Pluto Water. Learning how to shit in the woods may or may not be a valuable skill; but if at all possible, I think I would prefer to decide where and when I lose control of my bowels.

(Click the above images for bigger, more readable versions.)

73 Comments on "The Perils Of Pluto Water"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

So Anonymous, you think that no regulation should be the rule even when lives are saved by the process? In the days before regulation, heroin was a common ingredient in infant's cough syrup, wanna go back to that? Rotten meat was doctored with carcinogenic nitrates and reground into sausages for general consumption before the meat industry operated under government regulation. Sounds tasty, doesn't it?

Turns out that lithium made you shit but it also was toxic and could easily kill you. Signs of lithium overdose or poisoning are:
1. Persistent diarrhea.
2. Vomiting or severe nausea.
3. Coarse trembling of hands or legs.
4. Frequent muscle twitching such as pronounced jerking of arms or legs.
5. Blurred vision.
6. Marked dizziness.
7. Difficulty walking.
8. Slurred speech.
9. Irregular heart beat.
10. Swelling of the feet or lower legs.

I for one am happy to have a government that protects me from things like the above with "regulations."

Among reading you might care to do before condemning "government regulation" is the 1906 novel by Upton Sinclair, "The Jungle."

We have come a long way, let's not go back.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

The wife and I just got back from French Lick. We were shocked and wondered how the town was built. Across from the Hotel is an old factory for Pluto water and the well behind the hotel has the slogan. The thing I find funny is that the water was a natural laxative and that it had a calming effect.

In 1971 lithium was made a controlled substance and killed an industry. Soon drugs were released. I am fan of smaller government and it just seems funny in today's climate. Regulation is not the answer.

Anonymous's picture

pluto did it...

Anonymous's picture

The first time I heard about Pluto Water was on that television show 'Sanford and Son' This was back in the early 70's and I never knew what it was, but for some reason I never forgot it. Today I was looking through youtube and found some Sanford and Son vids and thought about Pluto Water, googled it and here I am.

Blueandroid's picture

I heard a radio bit about the Pluto Water and looked on line to see what it was all about. I wish I could find the actual ingredients. but in the mean time, if I need a real fast fix, I just chug down a jug of apple juice with in an hour or less. usually I drink it up with-in 30 min. be cause of all the sugar at once being put into my system, I get a purging from 1 to 2 hours. Now I don't think this will work well every other day, but once a month and non-frequent casual drinking of a glass of AJ, you should be able to get results.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

"Snatchmo"!!!!
Thats a winner!
Chief- If Pluto water is good, imagine the benefits of Goofy Water!

_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You are never too old to learn something new there BM. Did you also know that Mary Anns nickname was Snatchmo?

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

I think they do this at Yale in the Skull and Bowels Club.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Yes BM....Poop Report is a very educational site, I bet you also didn't know that the piss of Mickey Mouse's dog could be used as a laxative.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

I never knew Louie Armstrong's real name was Mary-Ann.
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Bird Fan's picture

Check out the book, Louis Armstrong, in His Own Words (1999) for lots of interesting comments on the topic. His mother was a believer in physics, including the merits of Pluto Water. "Mary-Ann--my mother told me when I was very young, She said--"Son--Always keep your bowels open, and nothing can harm you"...And she never said truer words than those.... (p.114) He also occasionally signed his letters, "Am Pluto Waterly Yours,"

In fact, I found this site looking up Pluto Waters!

Anonymous Coward's picture

As pledges in my fraternity at the University of Alabama in 1963, we were told to buy a bottle of Pluto Water, along with a box of asphidity. No one had any idea what these were, but upon reading the labels we got the general idea. Fortunately, it was for psychological purposes and none were ingested.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I worked for a drug store back in the 1950s that still had a bottle or two of Pluto Water on the shelf. The store itself was so old it was called an apothecary.

I came from a family that was to poor to purchase laxatives. When I was constipated my mother would have my two older sisters
beat the shit out of me.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Other alternatives became available. Today, people associate Ex-Lax with laxatives but not Pluto Water. There are lots of products that thrived around the turn of the century that no longer prosper. 'Smith's Brothers' Cough Drops,' for instance.


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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

JamieTeal's picture
l 100+ points

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluto_Water

It could have been magnesium sulfate (epsom salt), too. I use that as a laxative on occasion. Tastes terrible, but it's cheap.

Why did the Pluto Water go out of fashion? Did they discover something dangerous about it, or did the spring run dry?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Oh, for cryin' out the window, Frank. You were being neither disparaged nor taunted, but teased, good naturedly, I might add.

It's like when the new guy on the team gets his house toilet papered. It's an initiation rite.

C'mon, Frank. Work with us, here. You were just being joshed. We love you, Frank!

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points

I KNOW why I'm telling all of YOU this. I don't like to be disparaged. Great pleasure to "log out" this time.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

TBW and GGG brought up the fact that in the Victorian era no one pooped. This may be why they needed the bowel obsession at the turn of the century in the first place. Colon impaction is a pain in the ass to treat!

_______
What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Nice story.

I can almost guarantee that one of the ingredients to Pluto Water was Magnesium Cirtate (and probably some other gut wrenching substances).

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Dry-Wipe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

wow, this thread has wandered a bit, hasnt it?
GGG great call on the E.D., that would definalty be a robot with self esteem issues...

anyways, good report wiper, thanx for letting me know that the reason i got whupped so much as a child was that mom was constipated. if i had known i would have swapped out her cocoa puffs for some whole grain total 20 years ago and saved myself some drama.

after reading those pluto ads i vote for including constipation in the 'axis of evil' as it seems to be the cause of all of our problems. well, i dont have those problems, not with my beer and taco bell diet but im sure it could help the rest of u lovely folks...


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oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Fudgepump (273) -- 09.01.2007 wrote: "
P.S. - if you INSIST on batting those eyelashes of yours, young lady, I fear that Dumpster and I may have to throw down at some point...
"

(*winces, biting lower lip*)

Damn, but I AM going to be in trouble when Dumpie gets back! I'll have to hope he lets me make it up to him! :)

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

The only 'muscle flexing' around here is trying to work the plunger!!!

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S. - if you INSIST on batting those eyelashes of yours, young lady, I fear that Dumpster and I may have to throw down at some point. (did I use that idiom properly?)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

You sweet innocent DARLING, you...

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

(*eyes go huge, jaw drops, eyelashes bat innocently*)

I'm sure I don't know WHAT you're talking about!

(*looks casually about for glimpses of rumored "flexing"*)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Truce it is, lad. Nice pre-war posturing on both sides, I must admit. I was gonna use some metaphor about "flexing muscles", but I didn't want to give G3 TOO sweet a "set-up". Sorry, G3...

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Fudge, there are ladies on the battlefield... Truce, mate?

And if GGG and MSS want to play with ED-209, I'll put the blue pills in his soup. ;)


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Fudgey, I get the MP ref. Very funny.
GGG, I spit my pink lemonade at the keyboard. Way too fuuny!!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Are you boys SURE you want to mess around with a robot named "E.D.?"

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

You have NOTHING that would inspire fear in me, RC...*french accent* - "I FART in your general direction: your mother smelt of elderberries". (Python fans?? Ring a bell?)
Don't make me break out My Zero Point Field quantum entangler....

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

After I load him with the "Shit Soup" from 'Analomous Coward', a big pile of B.K Onion Rings, and some Ham and Beans on Johnny Cake ... Yes!
Break out the gasmasks and tremble in fear.


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Bring it on, RC. My defense grid is activated...ED -209's have been shown to be vulnerable to Phase-Burst Compression pulses in the THz range, anyway. Is the 209 the BEST you've got?

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Can I send an ED-209 (Excremental Droid) after Fudgepump? Please???
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S. - doniker (or Sam, or others), PLEASE don't "jump" me for a crass, intolerant and insulting comment here, my man. Just having a little fun with our "differently oriented" but equally loved and respected fellow citizens.
P.P.S. - where HAS Sam been lately....?

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

I thought an "ass-witch" was a popular snack treat on Fire Island???
*do you want mayo or mustard with that, stud?*

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

RC13, Hee hee.... you silly Robo. I try to keep her entertained so she doesn't get angry.
I just had a thought...Folks remember "Kitchen Witches"? Well seems I have an "Ass-Witch".
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Miss Simone, I hope that Witch Hazel doesn't get angry and turn you into a frog!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Queen Mary: I used to watch Mr. Peabody & Sherman on Rocky & Bullwinkle as a kid and loved the perversity of the dialogue as well as the edgy humor. It was quite clever--an adult show in the guise of a kiddie cartoon.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Fudgey,I do live on the edge sometimes. They use it in Prep-H pads so I came up with my own version. I would give the reason BUTT do not want the post deleated.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

What's worse? this stuff or castor oil?
GAG! Castor oil.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

Reading this comment thread was like watching the Mr. Peabody & Sherman part of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Damn, Simone - Witch Hazel? You like to live on the edge, no? I mean, it'd leave a wonderful scent behind but sometimes the old brown eye burns just from what's passing thru it, much less the burn from ol' Hazel.
PS...sorry if I broke the thread - that WAS fun.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

RC13, I don't know why I am telling you this butt I add witch hazel to my bumwett wipes. I liked this thread and wanted to bring it back folks!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Ohhhhh! I totally get it, now! I was a little obtuse yesterday.

Yes, yes. I have a preschooler; we know EVERY verse.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

P.S.: Wiper...nice little verse. Did YOU get my reference? Also, if you could; I'd appreciate your literary criticism of my (as Hammy put it) "virginal" excursion into the pooetry world (on "Of Fecally Fearful").

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Not exactly a non sequitur, G3. More like an (apparently too) oblique reference to an old kid's rhyme about:
"...an old man who swallowed a fly...
*here's the connection to the thread...*
I DON'T KNOW WHY he swallowed a fly...
perhaps he'll die?"
Does anyone else remember the rhyme I'm referring to?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Swallow a fly? Not likely to die. Guzzle some Pluto? You'll farto and pooto!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Non sequitur, anyone?

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

...I swallowed a fly: perhaps I'll die?

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Artful, I know why I'm telling you this. I love P/R commentaries!!


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

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