I agree. Cottonelle is completely intolerable.

Amazingly, even though it rips at the slightest touch and sheds paper fiber so severely that it'll build up on every household surface available after going airborne... it's the least likely paper I've ever seen to dissolve on contact with water... thus making it very likely to clog toilets.

Ever used Scott or Marcal t.p.? They're quite often found in institutional size dispensers. They've recieved pretty low marks for comfort, but they fly apart into little bits the moment they hit the water, making them easily flushable. Cottonelle just turns into a giant wet mess, capable of blocking up even the most powerful of siphonic jet bowls!

Down with Cottonelle! Arrr!

My personal favorite is Quilted Northern. It seems to be the best combination of comfort, dissolvability, and absorbency.

Omigawd! Cottonelle is Ass-Stucco! I've been wondering how to make repairs to the exterior of my soutwestern-style townhouse.

Do you use the dingleberries for the trim?

I too have experienced weak (too-soft) toilet paper. Those little dangly things are hybrid dingle-berries.

Oh man, yeah, Cottonelle sucks! My mom buys it and every time I use it at her house, I get little white balls of TP in my undies...it's so gross. I prefer Scott because come on, there's 1000 sheets per roll and it dissolves in the toilet and doesn't clog it so fast. It's not the most comfortable stuff ever, but hey, it gets the job done.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

FFS - Stop going on about how much shit you get on you fingers when you wipe your arse...

There were days when toilet paper was single ply - there were times when toilet paper could also have been classified as mild sand-paper. But we didn't complain back then - no - we simply smelt our fingers and figured out we actually needed to wash them after our fingers went thought the paper...

IF you purchase 'soft' loo paper as you viewed countless ads on TV of labrador puppies frolicking through abundant fields of green, soft, grass with rolls of said paper in toe without it ripping then you unfortunately have a warped vision of what the world really is about :(

Have you tried rubber gloves when wiping your bottom? ;)

Whoa! I thought you were kidding at first. But you really took a de-wormer?!? Man, Neil. This might be a first. Good report.
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"NEVER. ENOUGH. BACON!"--GoBoy

My house, too, has suffered through periods of Cottonelle usage. Although I never had to de-worm myself, I did notice a considerable increase in the number of washclothes I had to wash each week due to post-poop showering and removal of said butt fuzz.

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Holy skid marks Batman!

too right! i was just talking to some buds last night about this very thing... hard to know which tpe of paper to buy these days... its either 1 ply garbage or its 2 ply thats so damn soft you end up with cotton dingleberries! good report.

Wow, you guys must have something weird going on in your buttcracks. Cottonelle has not been a problem whenever I've used it, though Northern is pretty good.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

I'm not too particular about the brand of toilet paper I buy, but I steer clear of Cottonelle for all the above reasons. I don't buy Quilted Northern either because I can't stand their commercials with the stupid animated ladies. Thanks for quilting me up some buttwipe, chicks. Now get out of my bathroom!

Cottonelle was developed by NASA for wiping up monkey shit
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Your Baby Ate My Dingo

For all you Scott and other no-nonsense tp-ers out there: consider Green Forest or Seventh Generation. If we all switched to recycled tp, we'd make a very significant difference in the amount of trees cut down annually for tp. It's easy (just pick out a different one in the aisle) and it makes a big impact.

I'm not a tree-hugging hippie, I swear. But I insist on this tp because I like to protect the environment when it's convenient.

If you like Cottonelle, then get your crack waxed and you wont have the problem!

Z

I like the Charmin its absorbent. I also like their wet wipes because of my own hairy ass. Combination works great.

RE: 7th Gen TP...... As much as I like to be environmentally conscious, I'm also a cheap bastard. I have 2 cases of the Safeway brand TP in the laundry closet. It cleans my asscrack well, although I prefer to dampen it a little with faucet drippings. I don't care how soft a TP is, I hate the feeling of dry TP on my bunghole.

Neil, I really enjoyed your writing approach to this. Every once in awhile it's nice to see someone with their own style.

I have never noticed that Cottonelle is that bad. But then again, I'm not sure we buy it much. We usually get the Safeway generic brand when it's on sale, and then we buy it by the carload. It does the trick. My butt is ass-crumble free.

I cannot say the same for other members of my family.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I could not agree more with Cyanocobalamin. Wiping with dry tp is no good. You should really only use it as a preliminary wipe, and a final wipe. I use Scott or comparable brands and I totally prefer them. I def. feel cleaner with the harsher tp, but I'm pretty OCD about my cleaning rituals. Scott makes awesome wipes that don't clog that I use in between dry wipes, and I always feel clean. However I usually take a shower post-poop anyway...
My sister only uses that greasy Cottonelle (it has some sort of moisterizer in it) and I just feel so unclean after pooping. It even leaves lint, or poop tacos if you prefer, if you blot. It is the devil.

Solve the problem easily--use Cottonelle wipes. Only takes one sheet and the poop comes right off. Nowadays TP is for the front, not the back for me.

are you shitting me? your report was a pile of crap! i wouldn't use it to wipe my arse with. this internet thingy really has gone down the toilet, hasnt it? and some people really just dribble to excess...

"Turdle Dove (32) -- 12.18.2006

For all you Scott and other no-nonsense tp-ers out there: consider Green Forest or Seventh Generation. If we all switched to recycled tp, we'd make a very significant difference in the amount of trees cut down annually for tp. It's easy (just pick out a different one in the aisle) and it makes a big impact.

I'm not a tree-hugging hippie, I swear. But I insist on this tp because I like to protect the environment when it's convenient."

I know your intentions are good, but recycling hurts more than it helps. Yes, trees get cut down, but that is why new trees are planted. If we didn't do that for all these years, we would've run out of trees ages ago. The only thing really worth recycling is aluminum. If you don't believe me, watch this: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7734998370503499886

For now, don't worry about it.

The best TP ever was this stuff we bought in Ukraine...it was brown/recycled, had 1500 sheets/roll (it didn't have the cardboard tube through the middle like American TP), and cost 50 kopeks (17 cents) a roll. It was great! It had the perfect texture...not too soft nor too scratchy. We almost smuggled some home with us in our suitcases, but thought about it and decided to use the suitcase room for more cheap Cognac and vodka.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

I have only used Kleenex Cottnelle once, and that was enough.

My preference is Seventh Generation TP. Not only is it a good product, but it also stops our forests from going down the toilet, literally.
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"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

I've never had the clingon problem with Cottonelle, but clogging can be a real issue with the quilted stuff. We buy whatever's on sale: right now we're working through a 12-pack of Marcal. I also use Cyano's damp wipe procedure. You'd be surprised to see how much ass-spackle comes off with a moist wipe, even after you think you've done a good job dry wiping. I'm a scruncher, and a few drops of water is all it takes. For the folders out there, moistening the paper could be risky: your damp wipe could turn into a real "hands-on" encounter.

This is a serious problem... We need a 1-6 universal rating sytem, 1 being commercial grade for all the purists, and 6 being a wad of cottonballs. it should be required by law, like health labels on food products.

Here in Australia we have that Cottonelle stuff, and I speak on behalf of the nation when I say, we all agree with you. This stuff is the devil's own bog roll. However we get good results in my house from Safe recycled tp and the nanna's love 'Boquets' which is a damn good wipe, although it has a 'lightly scented' core which smells like the Britney spears perfume truck had a collision with the Toilet Duck factory. Best bet is the white gardenia variety and the realisation that you won't need an air freshener in the bathroom anymore.
Curse Cottonelle and cute puppies forever!

I also bought cottonelle because it was on sale and it was the worst mistake ever!!!! After about a weak of using it, I developed a rash in my nether regions, and did not realize at first where it came from. I went to the doctor thinking it was a 'woman problem' but found out that it was the toilet paper that i had switched to. i have NEVER had pain like this in every crevice down there without having a child to show for it!!!!

I would say this about most brands of "soft" toilet paper. Cottonelle, Charmin, etc. The only toilet paper to use is Scott. Lasts forever and never "flakes" in your ass crack.

This reminds me of the reason I don't use Stayfree maxi pads. Same affect, only it happens in your cunt and involves blood clots.

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I've never used Cottonelle before, so I don't really have an opinion on it. I agree with The Shit Volcano, Scott is the best out there.

I work for the Post Office, and I can tell you that goverment issue toilet paper is by far the worst. Like wiping your ass with sandpaper.

Charmin all the way, man!

I'm with you Shit Volcano - original Scott Tissue (not the new, softer variety) is best at wiping without leaving behind any paper dingleberries.

I thought my family was the only people to discuss topics like these, this is great!!!

WOW! A topic I am an expert on! First, I have to say that if you are not using baby wipes, you are not as clean as you think (especially if you have abundant crack hair). And I do not know how you can get away with only one baby wipe? I routinely go through a minimum of five. Although I must admit, I do not do a prelim wipe with dry TP. I will try that. Does it remove the "initial mass"?

My routine is wipe till clean with baby wipes until clean then check with dry TP. In my experience, dry TP is a better indicator that baby wipes (One downside of wipes I just remembered is that they wick turd through to the other side, at least the cheap Target ones I buy!)

As far as soft TP, I think most people hit the big points. My biggest beef is that no matter how thick the wad I ballup is, my index finger seems to always end up sticking right through. Odd thing is that I can feel the fibers in the TP start to give as the TP starts to tear and if I want to remove the soon-to-be torn TP, I have to remove finger and carefully pull the edges out a little at a time until it comes free.

Geez, do I have issues!!!!!!!!!!!

OOPS! I forgot to add, don't discount the good old commercial institution C-fold paper towls. It is a step below soft-grit sand paper! And even when used one ply, it does not tear! Other than that, I would have to say Scott. I never buy a roll without squeezing... If it gives at all,I don't but it.

I have problems with Cottonelle too, so soft but it just breaks in your hands and I hate getting poop on my fingers!

Through the week I got told not to buy TP with pictures on it due to the dye they use causing problems - stick to plain paper.

Handy tip of the day:
Have a friend with cancer and her doc said not to get clothes dry cleaned (the chemicals are left on the clothes and pass through your skin).

I use the generic cheap stuff for my home shitter. My ass isn't going to be impressed by double quilted if it doesn't clean out shit.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

well said. =)

I'll never understand why bidets haven't achieved acceptance in North America. When you wash your face, do you rub dry paper all over it to get it clean? No, you use WATER. Why not wash your dirty asshole the same way you wash your delicate visage? TP is a disgusting waste of trees. Bring on the BIDET!

If your crack is hair-free and smooth,
use Cottonelle to clean the groove.
But if it looks like Don King's head,
use the cheaper brands instead.