USABidet: For The Man Who Has Everything (Between His Cheeks)

USABidet: For The Man Who Has Everything (Between His Cheeks)

Posted 02.28.2008 by Tugboat (11)

In the girls' restroom of a local restaurant is one of those really fancy and expensive toilet seat bidets. Some Japanese brand. I've snuck in a few times just to see what all the hoopla is about. This machine does everything, as evidenced by the fact that it has a remote control with about fifteen buttons on it. You can sploosh your rump with warm water and get the water wand to move back and forth; it even has a butt "hair dryer" to finish up with. It's a really fun toy to play with, but it takes a while to figure out all those buttons. And it costs a bundle.

Enter the USABidet. I guess I'd characterize the USABidet as a simple but direct device. No remote. No warm water. No dryer. Doesn't play a song for you. It's a much simpler and more elegant device, and obviously made from very high quality materials (spelled S-T-A-I-N-L-E-S-S S-T-E-E-L). Once installed (and installation is a snap), it's merely a matter of grabbing the directional lever on the left to swing it into place, and then actuating the valve on your right. Whoa! What a spray. More like a jet. You can instantly dial it from gentle to "miner 49'er'." You have to scooch your butt around a bit to cover all the bases -- but compared to the fancy bidets, that's not a problem, it's a feature!

As I considered this purchase, of course, I was a bit concerned about the lack of warm water. I knew I could add warm water if I wanted with a bit of backyard mechanicism and a shower valve -- but after a month, I really see no need. It's just fine the way it is.

I appreciate both the design and the simplicity of the USABidet. When you send a note to the company, you get an answer toot-sweet directly from The Man, Thom. What could be more swell than that?

Only in America (no, wait, and maybe a few other shitholes) do citizens walk around during the day, talking with people, daydreaming, hailing taxis, all the while pretending that everything is alright. We're cool. Calm. Professional. We just pretend that there is no crap-crisis 'tween our legs. That we don't really have a sheen of shite clinging to our butthairs, not to mention (as was in my case -- gasp!) the occasional swinging dingleberry!

And what if there is a REAL crisis? Like you are spraying liquid Spam out your ass like a fountain? A bidet takes care of all that. Quickly. Easily. Springtime fresh... ahhhh.

Would you wash your dishes with just a dry sponge and no water? Same goes for your tush. Get a bidet and stop pretending.

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CaCa Doodle Doo (42) -- 02.28.2008

WOW! What a glowing endorsement! I think I need a shower. LOL

Hieronymous Bowels (122) -- 02.28.2008

I still have problems with the backsplash from the sink soaking the front of my pants so it looks like I wet myself-not sure I'm ready for bidet technology.

Eoz (not verified) -- 02.28.2008

How does the HYJET BIDET compare?

daphne (3325) -- 02.28.2008

I'm tempted to get one of these mini-bidets for our guest bathroom just to see which of our friends would use it.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.28.2008

I like the "hair dryer " idea, but I'm afraid of split ends. What about a curling iron?

pnuttycorn (189) -- 02.28.2008

I still would want to wipe. I don't think a water spray would "erase" the poo from my rear.Or am I not getting it? I have never used a bidet.

Eoz (not verified) -- 02.28.2008

Poop is water soluble, pnutty; water is perfectly effective at rinsing it off completely. It's certainly much more effective than smearing it around with paper :|

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.28.2008

Like I have always said, if you get peanut butter in your hair, you are not going to clean it with paper.
Eoz, I am not so sure all poop is water soluble. I have seen floaters last for days. I think the hangup with bidets is not knowing for sure if you are clean. At least with paper you can wipe till you see nothing.

Bunga Din (1238) -- 02.29.2008

Good report Tugboat, they should have called their company YOUASSEH BIDET!

I just checked HINTS FROM HELOISE prarie doggin and she says if you get peanut butter in your hair you should followed these steps.

Mix the following in a large bowl:
* 1/2 cup shortening
* 1/2 cup white sugar
* 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
* 1 egg
* 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
DIRECTIONS

1. Cream together the shortening and sugars. Beat in egg. Combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt; gradually stir into your hair. Cover and refrigerate for at least one hour.
2. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Flatten mixture with fork dipped in flour to form cross-wise pattern.
3. Bake for 10-12 minutes in the preheated oven, or until just set. Remove from oven to let cool.

P.S. I love this new tabbed browsing.

Eoz (not verified) -- 02.29.2008

Wiping till you see nothing doesn't mean you're clean at all... you've just wiped enough off that it doesn't show up on TP. There's still some fecal matter down there.
Personally I like the idea of a bidet... people who use them seem to swear by them, and anyway, my shits are million wipers so my arse is in a state of constant chaffededness.

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.29.2008

Bunga, I could probably keep my head in there for about 5 minutes max. Do you have microwave instructions?

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.29.2008

Chaffed arse hmmmmm. Little by little we learn more about you Eoz. Eventually we will figure out that Mary Tyler Moore thing.

wonderpance (504) -- 02.29.2008

hey Bunga, i love tabbed browsing too! i don't know how i survived without it. it's not really new, though. Netscape and Firefox have had it for years. IE is just woefully behind the times. i suggest you switch to Firefox.

i would like to try a bidet sometime. but they seem like such a hassle. who has time for all that??
_______
i love poop.

pristine assed girl (not verified) -- 02.29.2008

I advocate for the use of both systems in combination, as follows:
1) You wipe with toilet paper
2) You use the bidet
3) You wipe again, so as to dry your ass and to check it's really clean

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.29.2008

I would like to try a bidet some day, but it would be like trying to put out a forest fire with a squirt gun.

Eoz (not verified) -- 02.29.2008

Well, not so much chaffed ass as general crotch-chaffe. Although that might due to mild latex allergy and the subsequent itchiness causes the chaffe. I don't know. For some reason, I'm sure a bidet would help.
Oh yeah, I'm an enigma, all right.

MTM's only relevance is that she was a hottie.

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.29.2008

Pristine, I think you should put a flower arrangement in that ass and use it as a centerpiece at your next formal function. It will be a good thing.

Martha Stewart

Hieronymous Bowels (122) -- 02.29.2008

They should make one with the dial-a-nozzle like you have at the self-serve car wash: high-pressure rinse, suds, wax.

Great comment! +1 point

prarie doggin (1554) -- 02.29.2008

Yes, Turtle Head Wax.

Plunder (26) -- 03.01.2008

I'd like to combine daphne's idea with HB's:
The coin operated multi-function home bidet.

Those people who every time seem to head straight for your bathroom when they visit; well now you'd make $1.75 every time they left a few hardboiled eggs for you.

Shits Happily I... (134) -- 03.02.2008

I would love to try a bidet. Right now I have a wonderful, detachable showerhead used once or twice a day. It gets the job done.
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

baron von crapalot (444) -- 03.02.2008

Shits Happily, I also do the showerhead thing, but have been caught out by temperature. With a mixer tap, and a hot water system that tends to suddenly ramp up the heat, I have, on more than one occasion, left the bathroom screaming. Just be careful, you don't want to boil the starfish.

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Hieronymous Bowels (122) -- 03.02.2008

Even better than a bidet, how about a miniaturized version of one of those rotating sudsing brushes that you hook up to the hose to clean the boat, this could be a way to recycle your electric toothbrush heads when they get worn down.

Bilgepump (1476) -- 03.02.2008

HB...I know you are relatively new here, so I just want to point out that this very thing has and is done regularly, by Di Uhreea....she uses her fella Guy Uhreea's electric toothbrush daily.

prarie doggin (1554) -- 03.02.2008

Bilge, you know HB might have a good point on those boat brushes. When I am on my yacht, I often look at that brush attachment and wonder what else it could be used for. As far as the electric toothbrush, that's way too risky. I don't trust those GFI breakers.

prarie doggin (1554) -- 03.02.2008

I don't know how the hell I got three posts. I don't have OCD.

shitwit (532) -- 03.05.2008

Do you know what my biggest fear of using a bidet is?????

What if I didn't sit squarely over the fountain and it sprayed up my back?!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Aromageddon (12) -- 03.18.2008

are you sure they designed the bidet for just those light poopers? Or did they take into consideration there are a few of us that drop full sized cannon balls and not little dainty marbles.

I personally wouldn't enjoy a stream of water firing up my pie hole, I'll visit the pharmacy if I want an enema. triple ply tp saves all in the end

_______
beans beans the magical fruit....

Grotesque Underthings (not verified) -- 06.18.2008

I had access to a bidet for an entire year whilst living in Argentina some 10 years ago - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret not having used that bidet when I had the opportunity. Then, after my son was born, I was introduced to an episiotomy sprayer - it turns out this handy devise is the world's cheapest bidet - all for less than $3.00. So I scrapped all my fancy plumbing plans and have been using it ever since. My underparts are fresh as a french butt so to speak. Highly recommended for those who pinch pennies. Despite this, I would never use any of those fancy butt towels displayed so charmingly for all the world in people's homes in Italy. I'll stick with toilet paper for now.