** GRAND PRIZE ** A Queen Shit (or King) statuette goes to the winner of this contest! Thanks, Turd Shack!

The closing of this contest marks the end of a hard-fought battle between two equally-worthy entries -- a battle brutally interrupted by the horrific week-long crash of the PoopReport server.

I'm proud to announce Three-Ply as the winner of this contest -- clearly a standout among standouts. While his entry tells the timeless story of a sleepy southern town torn asunder by the unjust prosecution of an innocent brown log, the sheer political and philosophical ramifications of the runner-up cause us to re-evaluate the motives of history's greatest villain.

As the winner, Three-Ply is now the proud owner of a King Shit from Turd Shack. Thanks, Turd Shack!

Click here to see all the original entries.

The Final Standings: To Flush a Blocking Turd -- Three Ply  40 Mein Krapf -- Superpooper  37 Pippie Long Droppings -- Ass Phlegm  18 I Know Why The Aged Turd Stinks -- Assblaster2000  14 The Pryin', The Itch, and the Buttprobe -- Assblaster2000  9 Scents and Scentability -- Latrina  6 votes: 124

Three-Ply's Acceptance Speech

It is both an honor and a privilege to receive the golden-brown poop award for poopy book titles. I want to thank Dave for hosting this great site and contest. Of course, I have to thank all who competed in this contest. There were some entries that had me laughing all the way to the bathroom. I thank all those who voted for To Flush A Blocking Turd. I will praise my King Shit from his throne, and worship him. Or I may just set him on top of my computer monitor here at work next to my Johnny Bravo figure.

Like many do after achieving an academic or athletic goal, I have to thank Mom for the inspiration to my entry. A few years ago, she decided to redesign three of the four bathrooms in our house. With that, she had all new toilets installed as well. Unfortunately, today's toilet designers are aiming for a more economically sound toilet, to keep them from using up too much water. They do this by filling the bowl with about three tablespoons of water. Unfortunately, this means you can't even take a piss and flush it down one of these toilets without the aid of a plunger. No matter what, whenever you flush one of these new toilets, the water rises instead of lowering, then recedes very slowly. God forbid you even try to crap in one of these toilets.

But the parallels are there between the book and anyone who has clogged a toilet. In the book, the character Boo Radley leaves little gifts in the tree for the kids, Jem and Scout. After you've fought with a clogged toilet, especially in a public restroom, you just give up and leave it as a gift for someone else to find. They might not enjoy your mess as much as Jem and Scout enjoyed the string, soap, and stopwatch they found in the tree though. However, at one point in the book, their father Atticus states, "It is a sin to kill a mockingbird." Likewise, after a you've laid down a bulking brown log, too large for the pipes to swallow, it's sometimes better to admire your achievement. And to that I say, "It is a sin to flush a blocking turd."

AssBlaster2000's Concession Speech

What's this I see? I'm not a winner? Surely there must have been a mistake along the proportions of the 2000 Florida presidential ballot! It's all right, folks. I know you all wanted to vote for me. You just clicked the wrong box, right? Right?

Okay, not really. Well, seeing as how I already have one PoopReport contest win under my belt, I'm quite content with the fact that I'll just have to wait for (no pun intended) #2. Congratulations to the real winner, and keep on poopin', my fecal brothers and sisters.

Ass Phlegm's Concession Speech

It was fixed!! Rigged from the start! I knew that Dave character was as crooked as a turd dropped from a abnormal hemorhoid infested anus!!!! I'm just kidding. Congratulations to the winner. You deserve it! All the entries were great and I hope there will be more contest like this! Am I a "sore loser"? No. The only time I'm sore is after giving birth to a chunky, mean green, firebomb from my ass. Congratulations.

Superpoopers's Concession Speech

Dave -- I am buried with work these days. Just saw your request for my speech, which I'll try to get to you by Saturday. No promises, but I'll try. Work and family have to come first. Then Poopreport.

Thanks.
Superpooper

Editor's Note: I cannot comprehend Superpooper's priorities.