oxypowder

Contest #11: Name That Pooper -- Final Results

Posted 02.26.2003 by Dave (11538)
** GRAND PRIZE **
queen shit, turd shack

The funniest entry won a bottle of Sphincterine -- the breath-mint for your ass!

We stopped the war, right? I mean, now that we're united by poop -- one world, under log -- there's no reason for war or terrorism or anything, right? I mean, we're all too busy suffering under the tyranny of the colon to bother hurting each other, right?

Oh, damn. I guess not. Well, we tried, PoopReporters. And as PJ Brownstuff points out in his acceptance speech -- congats to him for the prize-winning gem "Engelsquirt Dumperstink" -- we have to keep trying. Humanity depends on us.

Thanks to Sphincterine for sponsoring the contest. PJ is gonna have a nice fresh minty ass when the apocalypse comes.

Want to see all 354 original entries?

PJ Brownstuff's Acceptance Speech

Thank you, fellow PoopReporters, for voting my entry "Englesquirt Dumperstink" #1. Mr. Dumperstink is a musical icon. Anyone who can perform "Lesbian Seagulls" (from Beavis and Butthead) is OK with me. I will now explain the significance of this contest as it relates to world peace.

Ladies and gentlemen, we all poop. George Bush poops. Tony Blair poops, as do all the leaders of Eurpoe and the entire world. Hell, even Saddam Hussein grunts out a spud missle every now and again.

Why are we about to go to war? Why are these men mad at each other? I submit that it is not terrorism. Nor is it oil. What is it you ask? The pooping community cannot tear down the enemy because we fail to laugh at their name. We cannot "name that pooper," as it were.

It is an art that only a few adults (and most 5th graders) have. The talent for poop names is here, people, at PoopReport, and we need to tap into it heavily these next few months. Saddam Poopstain? I don't think so. Logjam Hussein? No. It's going to be tough, but I believe we can do it.

I entered Englesquirt as a wake up call! Funny names are still out there!! We don't have to take this war shitting down!! We must belittle our enemies with funnier poopy names! Osama Bin Pootin'?? No. Shit-sama bin Laden? I think not. We need laughter, people, and WE (or any 5th grade class) are the only ones that can provide it!

Once the free flow of poopy names is a part of our culture, terror and war will stop. Thus, Pooptopia. Thank you.

-- PJ Brownstuff

Ass Phlegm's Concession Speech

Well, I 'gis tha ain't no justis' yo. What kind of punk ass bitch comes up wit "Engelsquirt Dumperstink"? Yo, that be pre-school throwin' down. We needed a big timer, a roll wit the punches winna in dis contest! Yo, instead we git served dis low rent trash. Homies 'round the world know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Two-Plop had the hip-hop, the be-bop, the can't stop rocking wit the shazbot! You all frontin'. Y'all let Phlegm Master Phlegm down. Mack daddies be shoutin' out "Injustice to the Plop". If I had a nine I'd throw a clip in that bitch and bust a cap in my monitor, word. I'd like to give a shout out to my ni...uh...bro...uh...fellow poop reporters for voting for the Plop. You knew the vision. You saw the writing on the wall. You knew there was only ONE choice.

I 'gis tha ain't no justice fo a gansta. Y'all gonna have to live wit yourselves and the choice you made. Two-Plop's gonna haunt ya. It'll be like peanut butter on the roof of yo mouth. Y'all be shoutin, "Why?! Why did I vote for Engelsquirt when I knew the true winna was Two-Plop!". Tu-Pac said it best when he said,

"Yes, i'm an Oakland baller
rule number one check it
if I show you no respect then
be your own ni**a
meaning buy your own dope
cause that front s**t is punk s**t
something I never funked with
be true to this game and this game will be true to you
that's real s**t"

I don't know what it means, but it sounds heavy.

Peace out.

-- Ass Phlegm

Note to readers: Ass Phlegm has been undergoing electric shock therepy as a result of losing this contest. His consession speech in no way reflects his actual state of mind before the contest or the Ass Phlegm that everyone has come to know and love. All apologies.

Tom Turdriffic's Concession Speech

Well, I lost. Not only lost, but got blown away by a far superior entry. What can you say? "Englesquirt Dumperstink" -- 3 poop-related things in one name. Pure genius. Even better, when you remember some lyrics from Englebert Humperdink's big hit: "Please release me, let me go...." That's poop talking if I ever heard it.

I'll refrain from defending my entry, "'Roid Rogers." While I'm not ashamed of it, it was far from my best entry, in my opinion. Not even top 10 -- just a quick splat of brain diarrhea while I tried to plop out a more worthy piece.

Well done, PJ. Let us know how the sphincter cleaner works out.

-- Tom Turdriffic







The final results:
Engelsquirt Dumperstink
     -- by PJ Brownstuff

[tally]
 67 votes
Two-plop Shakur
      -- by Ass Phlegm

[tally]
 42 votes
Malcolm X-crement
      -- by Bryan

[tally]
 37 votes
Francis Farts Cocoapuffs
      -- by Doc Brown

[tally]
 16 votes
'Roid Rogers
      -- by Tom Turdriffic

[tally]
 11 votes
votes: 173
click here to see all the original entries.





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Che (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

being a judge for this contest...an unenviable task to say the least. so many funny entries to choose from. why'd you decide to only pick a top 5?

not that it matters, b/c "Engelsquirt Dumperstink" is going to win. I GOT $5 ON ENGELSQUIRT!!!! any takers?

PJbrownstuff (60) -- 02.26.2003

I wish Doniker Lewinsky made the cut.

Tom Ridge - Office of Homeland Slavery (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

I've got nothing better to do than write to you since I'm merely a puppet for the Republican Constitutional Rights Repealers. So I just wanted to say that...you judges suck!!! I can't believe none of Barry Dingle's ingenious entries made the cut. You should have a seat, let the turtle out of it's shell, and think about the wrongs that you have done. Engelsquirt Dumperstink gets my vote, even though this f'd up site won't let me vote for some reason - just like every other damned election in this country.

Torkin' cable if I'm able,

Tom Ridge

Tom Turdriffic (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

Oh no! Enema-M was my best entry and it didn't make the cut. Oh well, I guess my sphincter is gonna still be a stinker.

Jen (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

Bryan's entry rules! He is my poop god I can tell that boy must know his poop- In fact I bet he has IBS and for that alone he deserves to win.

Snapper (168) -- 02.26.2003

It seems that there's an uproar... of sorts or something about the choices. Next time maybe there should be a preliminary round? I guess that probably wouldn't really work too well, come to think of it.

Dave (11538) -- 02.26.2003

Bah, it wouldn't be a proper PoopReport contest if there weren't an uproar.

Troutman Coolee (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

Gee, it was hard to bring myself to vote on any of those five finalists. All of them were far from being among my favorite entries. Furthermore, it seems that (consciously or unconciously), and unfortunate sexism has crept into the choices of finalists. They are all derivatives of names of males. No females represented. And since scatological humor has been almost exclusively a male preserve through most of its history (both underground and more open history recently), that makes it all the more unfortunate.

Heidi C. Kruger (not verified) -- 02.27.2003

My choice of the five top entries:

Jennifer Anuston

Defecate Blanchett

Assleak Judd

Leonardo DiCrappio

Carmen Ejectra

Dave (11538) -- 02.27.2003

See?

Di Uhreea (409) -- 02.27.2003

I'm also sad about the lack of any of Barry Dingle's choices. And Tom had way better ones than THAT!!!

PJbrownstuff (60) -- 02.27.2003

I agree with Di. Tom and Barry had some good ones. Gloryhole Estefan and Doniker Lewinsky made me laugh.

Bantam (29) -- 02.27.2003

Gloryhole Estefan! Haha!

I vote for old 'roid Rogers though...

Che (not verified) -- 03.03.2003

i've said it before and i'll say it again: the contest ended when PJ submitted "Engelsquirt Dumperstink". since there's no prize for 2nd place there's no sense in trying to invent controversy over who got picked and who didn't.

PJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah (91) -- 03.03.2003

Heidi, thank you for appreciating Jennifer Anuston. I was so damn proud of myself for that one.

By the way, wouldn't the instigation of an uproar on PoopReport be more properly called "raising a stink?"

Tom Turdriffic (not verified) -- 03.04.2003

Boy, am I getting my butt kicked.

Congrats, PJ. Yours was a stroke of genius.

Doobit (not verified) -- 03.04.2003

The competitor to Preparation H might be called Fix-an-ass.

PJbrownstuff (60) -- 03.04.2003

Thanks, Tom and everyone.

ThreePly (not verified) -- 03.06.2003

Congrats PJ! You know Engelsquirt Dumperstink reminds me of a previous PoopReport contest we had here a while ago for poop lyrics. I think I entered:

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

'Nuff said.

Bantam (29) -- 03.06.2003

'Roid Rogers was way better. I didn't even know who the hell Englebert Humperdink was, or that Englesquirt Dumperstink making fun of said person, until I read tom's concession letter.

I thought this was a contest to make fun of names of POPULAR people, not some asshole who apparently wrote a song called 'lesbian seagulls'

You people are dipshits, and I'm sure you'll take that as a compliment.

Vive le Crap!

Dave (11538) -- 03.06.2003

Maybe that's it, PJ -- the reason we are going to war with Saddam and Osama is because we CAN'T find a good poopy way to make fun of their names. Since we can't reduce them to poopers, we can't equate them as poopers -- and so we want to kill them!

To avert war, we better come up with a good Saddam name quick. Saddam Poostain? oh man... so many needless deaths...

PJbrownstuff (60) -- 03.06.2003

Dave, I agree. Oh the humanity!

crappercritic (not verified) -- 03.06.2003

this contest was very lame. i hope to never see anything like it again

AssBlaster2000 (1117) -- 03.08.2003

Sodomy Poostain. and Assbomba been Rotten. Don't know why I didn't think of them sooner.

Snapper (168) -- 03.08.2003

Congrats, PJ. Englesquirt does rock.

Tommy (not verified) -- 03.28.2003

i had a 16 inch crap and i pooped for a hour

Joey (17) -- 04.06.2003

Ipoop alout

Gale Pickelstine (not verified) -- 05.01.2003

Hi, I am a student at harvard, i get straight a's, and i think your site is un appropiate, and i only discovered this site because i got high last night!

Emily (22) -- 06.05.2003

I think this is a real cool sight!

giggles (not verified) -- 07.30.2003

How about Mr. Pooper from Sesame St?

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